Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
Couldn't get past your post without saying thank you. Much needed. Hugs to you.
XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to everyone this morning.

I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kinds words and support. This LTA crap can suck it!

I did go with him to his therapist yesterday and I think I may have actually seen the lightbulb go on over his head! Maybe there is a soul in there somewhere....

He fixed the timeline, answered the rest of the questions, offered as much info as he could remember. I know that to a large degree, there is no way he's going to remember everything.

Hell, he did this for as long as our last child has been here and longer.

Ultimately, though, I think we are making progress even if sometimes it feels like it's two steps forward, one back.

It would be so much easier if I didn't love him.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, 6 hours without an entry is totally unacceptable...

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

I'm meeting friends & am giggling slightly that the x was less than subtle in inquiring if I was going on a date.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm meeting friends & am giggling slightly that the x was less than subtle in inquiring if I was going on a date.


Allgood - I hope you kept him guessing! Go and have a great time.
Miracle - I want to join in with everyone to say "way to go!" You'll be great.
To our new members - welcome. This is a great place for support and lots of good advice. You are not alone and one of the greatest comforts when you come here is knowing that others really do understand what you are going through on this journey toward healing.
UKG - great to see another "oldie." I think telling your sons is a good idea and agree that this may not come as a big surprise. You may find that they are relieved to have this out in the open, especially if your DS16 already has come to this conclusion. I was wondering if you are going to tell your H or have him present when you tell the boys. I'll be thinking of you and wish you lots of luck. This was so tough for me to do but I have never regretted telling my children. (((UKG)))
Hugs to the tribe!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:31 PM, September 9th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell/Uk-

This song always reminds me of what a WS needs to say and do to help the BS trust enough to agree to reconcile.

'I'll Do Whatever It Takes' by Lifehouse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-lHlVuE8pk



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another WS song:
'Sorry' by Daughtry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJyb8fMm2E4&feature=related

I guess I'm in a musical mood...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nj - my husband was just telling me that lifehouse song is his new theme song.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This song reminds me of what the BS needs to recover and heal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR_XtmMaYpw

First interview went well with possible new job, they asked for references.

I read here and in other SI forums of FWSs who are frustrated with the anger and questioning from their BS. If they only realized this means the BS still cares, still wants to work things out.

Hope everyone can find some fun this weekend.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just poppin' in...

Had a question I can't shake.

I asked FWH "did you know OW's favorite music, flower, color, food, vacation spot, etc."? His answer was no to all. I believe this answer. So he screwed this woman for 6-12 years and didn't know any of this??? How can this be possible????

Sorry just to jump in gang...I lurk a lot still. I am pulling for all of you. Just needed some LTA'ers to help me understand this.

Thanks,
0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we're posting songs I thought I'd post this one for ATS.
I heard this recently at a wedding and I thought of you immediately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVAnlke_xUY

Love the "Toes" song too. Didn't know you were a country fan.

ETA - NJG - love both songs but Whatever It Takes really is such a powerful song. If only all of our FWS's felt this way. I remember the first time I heard this song. I was driving and tears just started going down my face. It's what every BS deserves to hear from their FWS.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:50 PM, September 9th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that he just really didn't care enough to know the answers to those questions.

Makes me wonder if my husband knew those about OW. Hmmm.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LMVJ2xd1g8

This, and of course, Hot Chelle Rae "Tonight Tonight..."
--- "I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it..." ---


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he screwed this woman for 6-12 years and didn't know any of this??? How can this be possible????

I think you answered your own question - check out the bold in your quote!!
I think most of our WS's seek out AP's for their own selfish need for adoration without too much concern or affection for the AP. IMHO, they give the minimum attention required to keep the AP in the game.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:14 PM, September 9th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF
I'm sure you're right....it's just so hard to absorb.
I'm having a hard time again.
Ughhhh


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Thanks everyone for the song recommendations. I have downloaded them all and will listen later.

Anger

I read somewhere that this emotion really is an expression of others - pain, hurt, frustration, shame etc. Before dday my FWH had been an arsehole for years. Suddenly he has totally changed! I wonder how often his anger in the past was one of these emotions or really a reflection of how he was feeling about himself. So often I would find him snappy and difficult for no obvious reason. At times he was cranky with me and blamed me for things that went wrong that we both knew were not my fault. I guess knowing that you are doing something so evil as cheating makes you feel bad about yourself! Just rambling here.

0115

My guess is that he just really didn't care enough to know the answers to those questions.

I have a feeling this was the case with my FWH. Whenever I ask him anything about what they discussed he usually answers either work (he worked with them) or topics I know he is interested in. I suspect their interests didn't take priority. I know mine didn't before dday - so why should his OWs be different?? Hmmmm.

IMHO, they give the minimum attention required to keep the AP in the game.

I think FNF nailed it.

At Laura's Place

FWH has left for the weekend. he has gone to an auction 300 miles away to buy some FDs. He wanted me to go - I don't like driving long distances at the best of times. The thought of going that far staying overnight and then returning tomorrow after spending the day looking at FDs was too much. So I opted to stay home.

My sources inform me that OW3 is in the general area this weekend but my radar is quiet. Anyway if they are both prepared to go to the effort to travel that far to hook up - they're welcome to it. I'll find out eventually.

I am going to enjoy the next 24 hours alone. I have lots of work to do for school so the time will go quickly.

I don't think that he realised that today would have been my mother's birthday. He will feel very guilty when he remembers. He kept saying he was worried about leaving me alone and pretended to be hesitating about going but I knew he would go and did encourage him to go. I really did want him to go but I would have liked him to remember.

Anyway - can't decide whether to do laundry or school work. Nice to have such simple choices.

Have a nice weekend people

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he has gone to an auction 300 miles away to buy some FDs
More??? Aren’t your FD’s doing what they should be and thereby saving you some money and travel costs? I wouldhave thought you have enough FD to set up your own FD farm!

I asked FWH "did you know OW's favorite music, flower, color, food, vacation spot, etc."? His answer was no to all.
I didn’t/haven’t asked those questions. One thing that came up was that the last time he saw her was on her birthday, but he didn’t know when it was…… June or July sometime was his answer. But then he struggles to remember DSs b’days. He knows mine, but anyone else? Nope. Not even his mum’s. I think MOW’s favourite anything was whatever WH’s was. And, to be honest, I don’t think men are interested in finding out that sort of thing. If it’s a dominant thing about the OW, like she loves to eat out in Indian restaurants, he might remember that they only ever ate Indian. Or likewise for seafood.

So I don’t think it’s a big deal. fWH wouldn’t know my favourite music, flower (only the ones I won’t have in a bouquet b/c they are associated with her name), colour, food or the best holiday we have been on. He knows my style and he knew her preferred style when he bought some jewellery for her (WYE – that was another TT – claimed he never bought her anything until he slipped up and then another time he said he had “no idea” who gave him a pair of cufflinks which came from a jeweller on the south coast!!!) But specifics? No.

FNF, I plan to tell them without fWH present. He will not see the point in telling them, esp after all this time. And I need them to know where to find the stuff I have hidden from fWH. If they remember the code word between them, they can wordsearch it and find the main document required. fWH is so computer and word/excel illiterate, that he doesn’t know how to do a word search………. even within a document……….. so I think I’m pretty safe.

My reason for not telling them on d-day was I couldn’t wrap my head around it at all. In fact it took two weeks before I could ask WH to actually tell me about it. I had just hit him with individual questions and not taken in the answers (which were lies anyway). DS#3 had recently broken up with his LTgf and sat in his room listening to

The Streets “Dry Your Eyes Mate” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udGTdbPJqXc – It breaks my heart to listen to it even now) and Coldplays “The Scientist” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8KmhmpaKuk – Okay, I’m in bits now….)

DS#1 was having problems that had stemmed from WHs behaviour and attitude towards him and he ended up leaving home a couple of weeks after d-day. DS#2 was between yr2 &3 of uni and he is the one I was closest to. And then the time just went on. DS1&2 kept asking if I was alright. DS1 kept saying how thin I was and he could feel all my bones when he hugged me. I just thought we would be okay. And I didn’t want their futures to be affected in any way by what WH’s fucking selfish behaviour had done to me. You know how sons are. I cannot imagine the fury DS1&3 would have vented at their father. DS2 is much more forgiving, but his father would have toppled spectacularly from the pedestal. DS2’s disappointment and shock would have devastated fWH and I don’t think I could have coped with it all. Not then. I was having a hard enough time dealing with DS3 as well as myself.

Sorry, that turned into a real ramble so I could work out my reasons. I’ve never really thought it out before. But now I think they should know. And we are far enough out for them to not be affected. And they have their visas. If I tell DS3 (suppose I will at some point), then he’s only in London.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:25 AM, September 10th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

You and I have so much in common. So weird considering my name triggers you and your origins trigger me.

Just reading your post - I thought yep. We have a LOT in common other than those.

Aren’t your FD’s doing what they should be and thereby saving you some money and travel costs?

Yes but FWH doesn't trust them to do it right

So we now have an incubator to hatch them and he has gone to buy some more to breed. Sheesh. at least it keeps his mind off his OWs

Honestly. I have to laugh or I'd go nuts.!!!! I was talking to DD about a trip to Europe with her DS and FWH. She wanted specifics and I said "Honey I can't at present. I just don't know if I'll still be with FWH then!!!" In her typical self absorbed young self I think she thought all that stuff was done and dusted. Oh for the innocence of youth!!!!

I think MOW’s favourite anything was whatever WH’s was.

I know this was the case. OW3 suddenly developed this urge to travel around Australia. She has been here since 1985 but suddenly had this overwhelming urge to do it after she started fucking FWH. He always talked about it to me but I was never particularly keen. So I suppose she filled that gap. I suppose that's what APs do. It must be in the book.

I didn’t want their futures to be affected in any way by what WH’s fucking selfish behaviour had done to me.... I cannot imagine the fury DS1&3 would have vented at their father. DS2 is much more forgiving, but his father would have toppled spectacularly from the pedestal.
.

Typical mother behaviour!!! Always thinking of and protecting everyone. So different from the WSs worldview!

But now I think they should know.

Yes. I'm glad they will know. I think they will be able to help you. They probably suspect anyway.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
Dinner went well - we had great fun & watched some rugby.
TOday saturday - WW is still sucking those lemons shes wound the kids up a bit & they gave her grief to boot.
Me - sitting back chillin - being pleasant & polite & doesnt that piss her off more.
Its sad really but im not going to get drwan into it any more. this is the best ive felt in ages - no more emotional hurts.
hoping its starts to sink into her pea size brain.

take care tribe & thinking of those impacted by 9/11, my thoughts are with you.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI again all

I'm hopeless with the time difference.

I would like all those in the US to know that we Aussies really do care.

I remember that morning clearly. I was getting ready to go to work and saw the reports on TV. I truly thought it was a movie or documentary and that I had made a mistake with the channel. I kept glancing at the TV and then I realised it was real. I remember standing, astonished and then tears began to stream down my face.

Please know that we in Australia felt your pain. There was no way it could be the same as for you but we did feel it and the fear that followed.

HUGS to you all - such an aweful day

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP

Fridays and Sundays I think of you. So often.

I am so pleased your MIL is standing with you. What a great lady!

And you are sounding so strong. Your sich is horrible and your courage is extraordinary.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.