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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost and lonely -

Was there ever a time during the A where you truly in your heart felt like you weren't doing anything wrong?

No.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PlainsGirl29,

Did you want your bs to have an RA? Why? My WS keeps telling me I should have an RA. To minimize his A or is he taunting me because he knows I won't?
No. I do not want my BW to have an RA. I would suspect your WS is telling you this with the intent to make himself feel better.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost and lonely,

Was there ever a time during the A where you truly in your heart felt like you weren't doing anything wrong?
I sure tried to talk myself into believing that. Maybe at first, before that first phone call, I may have felt that there was nothing to worry about. But as soon as I dialed that first time, I knew deep down that it was the wrong choice. Yes, I did it anyway and continued to do it for another few months. I was pretty good at the crazymaking.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh and I have been separated for over 3 weeks.... His choice. He came back with this decision when I asked him to decide if he would be all in and 100% committed to the marriage or he is all out. I don't know how I feel about this. He says my anger is too much and is breaking him. That 80% of the time he tells me his feelings I yell. He has dropped several bombs on me this year and has lied about small things... Like broken NC.

Before that , starting in July he said he doesn't know if he loves me or not. He does know he strongly cares for me. He had ended the A in the beginning of April. However he works with her daily and has lied to me about interactions. Wh was told if he had ANY no work communication with her it was over. He risked our marriage to see if MOW's mother's surgery went well.

After the A ended he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now he says those emotionals were felt in a high intensity time. He wants to think about what he feels so he can know what he feels for me for sure

He doesnt sound like he has made any movement in a decision. He sounds just as confused as ever

Is it possible he really needs time or am I fooling myself?


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's possible that he is either continuing the A or trying to find a way to start it up again.

He hasn't gotten it yet.

Take care of yourself without regard for him and his decision. That is the only way he will be able to see the reality of what he has done and what his future may hold because of his own choices.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last Sunday, I sat my wife down and told her I needed her to show remorse. I told her that our middle child and I are both showing symptoms of chronic stress and mild depression. I told her it was time to stop worrying about herself and start worrying about the people she has hurt.

I also described a typical day and the emotional roller coaster I ride. I told her I can't even imagine intimacy with her without getting mind movies.

I cried a bit during this. She did apologize for hurting me.

Over all, though, she was defensive and tried a bit of gaslighting.

I went into 180. At a church meeting that night, she went ahead of me (I had to pack for a business trip), she failed to save me a seat next to her. I gave her a chance to choose to sit with me, but she suggested I sit at the same table a few seats over.

I left. I turned off my phone and went straight to the airport. Since then I have been in full 180 hardcore.

I'm done with the "poor WW" Bull. She can either step up or enjoy the emotional divorce. I'm taking care of the kids and me. She is no longer my concern (other than I continue to pray for her).

Since then, she has sent me several emails that are attempted apologies and told me she scheduled an IC session with our marriage counselor.

Good signs, but I want consistency.

My responses have been courteous, but brief and to the point.

She does seem committed to NC. She still resists transparency, though, and is not remorseful.

I'm not sure how much patience I have. It may be months, or it may be days to weeks. When the patience runs out, I'm filing.

My question is...

What is going through her mind right now? Does she believe my actions or does she think it's a game. Does she believe she can do a few things to make me happy and gloss things over? Does she understand I'm asking her to take responsibility here and have a true change of heart?

Does she get it? Is she starting to?

I hope to save this marriage, but I am prepared for a divorce if it comes to that.

SLH


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mostlymine -

Wh was told if he had ANY no work communication with her it was over. He risked our marriage to see if MOW's mother's surgery went well.

You gave him an ultimatum and then you did not back it up.

Is it possible he really needs time or am I fooling myself?

He is on the fence because he can be.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
gromit2011
♀ Member
Member # 33650
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WS or FWS.

I found out a month ago that my WH was cheating. The 'affair' ended pretty much as soon as I (and his family) found out. He cannot explain why he did it - said he was very much in love with me and happy with our marriage.

However, we are not in R as he is currently very emotionally flat and distant with me. He has not apologised and the only emotion I've had from him is anger. He talks about having nothing to live for now and regretting it forever but is doing nothing about it.

He wants to 'draw a line' under it and discuss how to 'move forward' but then says part of him wants to try and part of him wants to 'run for the hills'. And on top of everything, he keeps saying he doesn't love me anymore as a result of the affair - the guilt he has has overtaken the love. I struggle to believe he loved me in August and didn't by September. He talks of it being like 'someone flicked a switch'.

Anybody experienced anything similar? Can you really stop loving your BS because of what you've done or is he mixing up his feelings?


Together 4 years
Married June 2011
DDay 8 October 2011
6 week PA
WH claims his 'affair' was nothing to do
with being unhappy in our relationship, it
was just the thrill of trying to lead a double life. Oh, but this means he doesn't

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
mistakesweremade
♀ Member
Member # 31442
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is going through her mind right now? Does she believe my actions or does she think it's a game. Does she believe she can do a few things to make me happy and gloss things over? Does she understand I'm asking her to take responsibility here and have a true change of heart?

Does she get it? Is she starting to?

Hi SLH,
I can't really say what your W is thinking but it sounds like she isn't getting it yet. The fact that her A just ended 10/30 could mean it hasn't quite hit her yet, sounds pretty "foggy" to me. I think she is probably still too concerned with herself to notice what you're doing. Continue with the hard 180, if she wants to save the marriage she will come around. She's taken a few steps in the right direction (IC appt) but not agreeing to transparency is an issue.

Has she indicated that she understands that she is responsible for her actions or is she blaming you?


FWW-ME

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gromit2011

Sounds like he is still very foggy. The anger comes from being found out.

I think that he may still love you but the guilt is overshadowing that right now. It sounds like the guilt is tearing him in two.

Has he gone No Contact with the AP? The longer there is no contact the easier it will be for him to come out of the fog.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MWM,

She is starting to lean toward taking the blame, but she still gaslights a bit and still blames marriage and circumstance for the affair.

On Oct. 30, she had to explain her bizarre affair fantasy to our pastor, his wife, and another trusted church member. Facing a skeptical group with such a teenager-ish fantasy gave her a severe reality check. She became proactive in ending the affair itself.

She has not, however, done much to end the fog. She told me the other day that she expects to fall at my feet and beg for forgiveness some day, but it will be a really long time...

I showed her a card she gave me 16 years ago expressing her love for me and promising to be mine forever. I asked her about it and she replied that she had said that to lots of boyfriends back then and it meant nothing (ignoring the fact that reading the card made her appear deeply disturbed...)

I personally think she is close to breaking. I hope so. I really don't know what kind of patience I have left.

SLH


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
gromit2011
♀ Member
Member # 33650
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sandcrab

Yes, there is no contact. They worked together - she was fired a couple of weeks ago.

We are currently not living together, he is staying with his parents. His mother can account for where he is and checks his phone. He has deleted her number. He gets irritable when questioned about the OW - dismisses her as a huge mistake, was just about sex.

He has at least gone from no emotion to showing anger.


Together 4 years
Married June 2011
DDay 8 October 2011
6 week PA
WH claims his 'affair' was nothing to do
with being unhappy in our relationship, it
was just the thrill of trying to lead a double life. Oh, but this means he doesn't

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
LivingOn
♂ Member
Member # 31841
Flame  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where I can post what I'd like to post. I am a BS and have questions for as many WW's as possible. I'd like to post my story and see if anyone has any insights or advice from progress and knowledge gained. If it's a very long post can I do it here, or can I post in the Wayward forum anyway?

One quick question maybe I can ask now is how to discuss the details after a very long time of being told not to by bad MC. We're doing our own do-it-yourself MC today, and I'm not sure how to get into all this without feeling like I'm opening up an infected wound.

For example, should I show her a newly discovered picture of one of these OM? I just want to ask her if she really found him attractive, because I think he looks like a douche. I don't want her to feel like I'm rubbing her nose in it, but I don't know what to do. What's the right way to do this?

She had multiple encounters of varying degrees with strangers she met on craigslist, EA's and PA's, and I'm desperate to find out why she did this. And "how" she could go through with it. It's scary that someone you think you know so well could do this, after 17 years of marriage and two kids.

Thanks for the help.


Me - BS 40
Her - FWS 42
2 beautiful little girls, 5 & 7.
M - 18 years.
OM - strangers on Craigslist - met many, kissed 5, EA with 1, PA with 2.
D-Day - 6-23-10. TT - 4-??-2011
Working on R.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Dallas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LivingOn -

We're doing our own do-it-yourself MC today

I am sorry you had a bad MC before. I hate to say this, but I don't think you are ready for MC, even a good one. There are too many issues for your wife that she needs to uncover first.

For example, should I show her a newly discovered picture of one of these OM? I just want to ask her if she really found him attractive, because I think he looks like a douche.

Of course you should do whatever you want to do. It is your prerogative to express anger, disgust, horror, at any and all of her Other Men.

But... what is it you want? Do you want her to admit that he is ugly? What then? If that helps you, then that is a good goal. But if you want her to examine her issues, focussing on the OM's appearances does nothing. Would it have been better if she found only hot men?

Appearance has nothing to do with it... unless all the men look similar and they all remind her of someone. Otherwise, any OM is just someone else who posted and responded to her.

She had multiple encounters of varying degrees with strangers she met on craigslist, EA's and PA's, and I'm desperate to find out why she did this.

This is the real issue. She needs IC. She needs to talk about what happened to her when she was a child that led her to feel that sex with strangers constitutes validation and why it is a comfortable coping mechanism.

This is something you cannot do. You know nothing about it, you cannot stay neutral, you are not a safe haven for her (be honest - you would blow up at any detail she gave you about the affairs or you would want to go kill the person who hurt her when she was little), you do not even know what questions to ask. This is too big for you.

Does your wife want IC to find out why she finds sex with strangers to be so compelling?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
bfmvalentine
♂ Member
Member # 30358
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for any WS, hope it not too much TMI?

Did you do anything sexually with your AP that you didnt, or still wont do with your BS even after the affair? (example being positions or places)

Thank you


Me BS 38
WW 35
DDAY 8/9/10
Married 7 years
1 5yr old special needs son

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do so many WSs call the AP "Sexy, gorgeous, baby" etc. when they don't do the same for their spouse, and the AP isn't any of those things?

I find myself wanting to send my H a text saying something like "Hi Sexy" just to be playful, and then I remember thats what they did with each other all day long, and I feel sick.

Why are WSs so affectionate with the AP and so reserved with the BS?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away, and I come back to some tough questions:

bfmvalentine - yes, I did. It wasn't positions or places necessarily, but a specific act. I didn't do it because I didn't want to with BH, or because BH refused this, I did it as an attempt to bond with AP. I likely will never do it with BH as we are separated. If you want to know more, feel free to send me a PM.

neverbelieve - AP said things like that (hey sexy) to me many times. It was his way of keeping me hooked and feeling like I was something special to him. I did withhold affection from BH because for me, I could not be that invested in two people at the same time. Why do we do it with AP? It's part of the fantasy and limerance. If you want to be playful with your H, then take the leap as long as you feel comfortable doing that.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you wwnomore. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like it will only remind him of her and their 'romance'. I don't think it will give him a good feeling, but I think it will remind him of it just the same. I don't want to follow in her footsteps, if that makes sense.

so I guess that's another question: Do the BSs do things that remind WSs of the A, and how do WSs feel about that?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverbelieve - you probably need more BS advice on this one, but I will give you my 2 cents: Don't be afraid of reminding WS of AP. If he is truly NC with OW, that includes the mental parts too - no reminders, no fond rememberances. If you want the playfullness to be part of your new R'd M, then go for it! I bet he takes it in the manner in which it is intended. Mostly, I'd hate to see you living your life as if OW plays any part in it at all.

Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are WSs so affectionate with the AP and so reserved with the BS?

OM was less than endearing. "Slut, whore, etc".

With BH, I never stopped with the "Darling, Babe, Sweetie". After Dday, I've backed off completely. I call him only by his first name. I don't feel deserving to refer to him by our pet names.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


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