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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LivingOn -

I think she should, too. But she's telling me that once she says she won't do something anymore, then she won't, and that should be the end of it. I'm afraid of a relapse one day.

What will she do the next time the perfect storm hits? The next time she is generally tired and feeling stifled?

I feel like I'm compartmentalizing what she's done as well

Compartmentalization is not a bad word. It is a useful survival technique unless the trauma it covers is not dealt with.

When I read other WS's on here, doing this all on their own so they can get help and help their BS's

She needs to do this for herself. I actually never did anything for my husband. He did not cause my affair. The solution therefore also had nothing to do with him. I was actually useless to him. I couldn't handle his triggers and I couldn't deal with his pain. He had to comfort me many times. Everything I did was to figure out why I committed "soul suicide", to use a wise SIer's phrase. My goal was not to be a "good wife", but to be a "good person". It had nothing to do with my husband.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
LivingOn
♂ Member
Member # 31841
Flame  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will she do the next time the perfect storm hits? The next time she is generally tired and feeling stifled?

My fears exactly!

She needs to do this for herself. I actually never did anything for my husband. He did not cause my affair. The solution therefore also had nothing to do with him. I was actually useless to him. I couldn't handle his triggers and I couldn't deal with his pain. He had to comfort me many times. Everything I did was to figure out why I committed "soul suicide", to use a wise SIer's phrase. My goal was not to be a "good wife", but to be a "good person". It had nothing to do with my husband.

Well, I understand, but... I am worried about why she is not even trying to figure it out for herself, and in turn that is affecting how I am able to heal. If I'm constantly worried and I don't see her doing all the things she can do to help me, then I have a much more difficult time. I want her to figure out what made her do it so she won't do it again, and so I can know as well.

So get this - I just learned two new things yesterday I didn't know before. I had to look at the cell phone bills from that time to verify a number, and I found two things. One, she called me while she was driving to cheat on me for the first time and we talked for 5 minutes. Since she lied about the day initially, I can't remember what we talked about. Since we were given such HORRIBLE advice where she was told she didn't need to tell me details, she held that lie for 10 months and then she admitted the truth after I did the 180 and I was going to divorce her. I didn't check the cell phone bill to realize she had called me, and so last night when I asked her about it she didn't even remember anything about why she called or anything. I can't believe this.

The other thing I learned was that she called and spoke to another man that she never admitted to before, even when I forced her to look at all the numbers on her cell phone bill. I usually see remorseful WS's willingly helping the BS by going through it with them, but my wife did it begrudgingly and was really mad at me for making her do that. If we had to do it now she would be more willing, but it's been so long she can't remember as much. I asked her to recall the 15 minute conversation and she gave me so very little it only took 30 seconds. Is it that she really can't remember or is she hiding details or what? I mean, it's over now, but I still feel the need to know.

The other thing is she started reading the Wayward forum here on SI. I haven't given her my screen name or anything, but she did read some things in there. She may join here and learn, and I hope she does.


Me - BS 40
Her - FWS 42
2 beautiful little girls, 5 & 7.
M - 18 years.
OM - strangers on Craigslist - met many, kissed 5, EA with 1, PA with 2.
D-Day - 6-23-10. TT - 4-??-2011
Working on R.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Dallas
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any WS's input very welcome. My WH, kept the OW's name from me for two years. He gave me a fake name. I have struggled with this, more than the affair itself. He protected her over me. His reasoning, is that he was in trouble, and hurt me, why hurt her husband. I just feel like he is a coward, for doing this to me. I feel that he was not strong enough to face the consequences, of telling me her name. After, I discovered her name, I outed her to her husband, and then found more details to the affair, that it was not only EA, but PA, and lasted longer. Any input is welcomed, and thank you for listening.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing, I think, the only reason, my WH, gave me the real name is, because, he had also, given me a fake name for her husband. I found someone with the same fake name, he gave me for the husband, in our area. I proceeded to call, him, and this guy, thought I was crazy, and threaten to call the police on me. I think, that is the only reason, he was going to tell the truth. But, he didn't come clean, I found out on my own, and presented the information to him. Thanks

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
ACRC
♂ Member
Member # 33417
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSs ... Please walk me through what's going on in a Wayward's mind when the BS lays into them for the umpteenth time. I sometimes just go off on WGF with no particular agenda. I just ask:

"How could you allow yourself to do that?"

"Did you ever think of MOM's BW and kids?"

"How can you say you loved me when you hurt me that way"

You can see that these may be legitimate questions once, but after that they turn into rhetorical questions meant to provoke. I can't imagine I'm the only BSO that goes through this. How does a WS work through those episodes?


Me: BBF
Her: WGF

DDay: November 20, 2010
Currently working on R


Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2011
LivingOn
♂ Member
Member # 31841
Flame  Posted: 8:49 PM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtsobad1963 - I had a similar problem! My FWW withheld really important details from me, too. She even switched the dates around and let me believe it was the other way around for 10 months. I would also like to know why WS's do this. Your WH probably just didn't want you to track her down, but the lie hurts a ton when you find out, I know!

ACRC - I did the same things as you, and I'd also like to know from a WS's perspective.


Me - BS 40
Her - FWS 42
2 beautiful little girls, 5 & 7.
M - 18 years.
OM - strangers on Craigslist - met many, kissed 5, EA with 1, PA with 2.
D-Day - 6-23-10. TT - 4-??-2011
Working on R.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Dallas
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ACRC

Please walk me through what's going on in a Wayward's mind when the BS lays into them for the umpteenth time.

The first time the question is asked I answered as best I could.

The second time I would answer again the best I could but rephrasing the answer.

This would go on for awhile until I understood that it was just a rant and there was no answer to the question, so I just shut up and let him rant.

But the whole time, from the beginning until the millionth time the questions were asked, I felt like a piece of crap. It made me really depressed and worthless, to the point where I had to start seeing a psychiatrist for sucidal tendencies. It was very hard for me to work through all that and I still (my A was in 2004) feel horrible.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtsobad1963 -

I didn't give my husband a fake name but I didn't give the full name, just a nick name. I did end up giving the full name after awhile.

My reason behind that was that I was Very Afraid. I was scared that my husband would track him down and do horrible things that would have gotten my husband into a lot of trouble, so in my mind I was keeping my husband safe.

I know now that was the wrong thing to do, but I did do it.

edited for clarity (hopefully)

[This message edited by Sandcrab at 2:16 PM, November 18th (Friday)]


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Sandcrab, I just feel like he protected her above me. That's is something, I can't seem to get over. It was two years, of me begging for the name, and he looked in my eyes, and continued to lie. I just don't understand. Do you think that the reason he kept the name, is because the way, I behaved when I found out? I told her husband, all the political committees she chaired. Regardless of who I told, he should of chose me, above her. Thanks for you reponse

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Sandcrab, I just feel like he protected her above me. That's is something, I can't seem to get over. It was two years, of me begging for the name, and he looked in my eyes, and continued to lie. I just don't understand. Do you think that the reason he kept the name, is because the way, I behaved when I found out? I told her husband, all the political committees she chaired. Regardless of who I told, he should of chose me, above her. Thanks for you reponse

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSs ... Please walk me through what's going on in a Wayward's mind when the BS lays into them for the umpteenth time

What Sandcrab said, but I have to wait until next May to see a psychiatrist covered by provincial health insurance.

Pain
Torturous pain
Mind-numbing
Guilt and shame overflowing
Holding myself rigid
Teetering on the edge
Knowing it is his heart breaking
Gut-wrenching to listen to over and over again
Can I continue to hold on tighter?
Trying desperately to do so
SO
MUCH
GUILT
AND
SHAME

[This message edited by looking forward at 8:38 PM, November 19th (Saturday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2801 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtsobad1963

I think he should have given you her name WAY before two years had gone. Maybe he was afraid of what you would do, but still should have faced his fears. It is something that is VERY hard to do, but it could have been done.

You are right, he should have chosen you instead of keeping the name secret.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave my BS the names right away. I had no right to keep any information from him. It was a condition of our recovery and him giving me a second chance to have the names and any detail he wanted to know. Have you spelled this out for your WS?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3651 | Registered: Dec 2010
sadness1
♀ Member
Member # 32160
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we have begun to R and I think things kind of run hot and cold emotionally. Sometimes I am feeling I am putting more effort in than him.
But one thing I am getting really stuck on is that he does not want to be intimate. He will kiss, hug and snuggle me but as for anything else...forget it! I don't get it! Why do I want it and he doesn't. He is the one that cheated. I am the one that should be scared. He says he doesn't know why. He just doesn't feel it. It feels like another layer of rejection!!

Are they any WS that could shed a light on this?


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadness1

First I would ask if he is on antidepressants. If he is they might be affecting his libido. When I started taking them they affected mine and I was not able to be intimate.

If he is not on AD's I would think it was his guilt and or depression.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
sadness1
♀ Member
Member # 32160
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he is not on antid- although he thinks he may be depressed.

Should I not take it so personally? Be patient and just let it happen when it does?


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is depressed I don't think you should take it personally. Depression is hard to cope with. I do think he needs to go to the doctor if he thinks he is though. There are a lot of AD's that can help him. And some of them may not affect his libido.

Here is where you can find a list of drugs for depression.

http://www.drugs.com/condition/depression.html

If you click on the drug name at the bottom of the page it will show you the side effects of the drug. I did some research on the AD's I was on and learned about them.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadness1, I had trouble being intimate after d-day. It was guilt. It was also that I wasn't fully out of the A in my head. Everytime my BW wanted to be intimate was another reason for me to resent her.

How long has it been since his A ended? It could very well be that he is still having thoughts of her even though he may be NC in the physical sense.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ACRC, What was going through my head early on was trying to figure out ways to minimize the damage, shame, embarassment and everything else I could do to not make myself look so bad. So it became sort of a game that something would come out. Then in the next round it would be, "well, she already knows this, so I will just go a bit further" to the point that the truth came out eventually.

When things were asked later on, I would go over my answers again, but with a different understanding or possibly different reasons or motivations for why I did what I did. At that point I was working on finding an answer.

Have you gotten the answers you want yet?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also curious about Sadness1's question about intimacy.

My WW is completely uninterested in intimacy. Even the suggestion of sex causes her to put up walls.

Our sex life has been pretty bland since we started having kids. She was pretty sexually expressive with her AP.

She says she hasn't been sexually attracted to me for at least 10 years. Now she becomes distressed just discussing intimacy.

She only ended the affair in her head about 3-4 weeks ago when she finally went true NC. She has not seen the AP since early July, and has not had more than a few messages via internet since late July (short and not real-time).

WTH?! Any clues?

Thanks.

SLH


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
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