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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandmr1

Yes, I tell everything. It's a moving target of sorts though as my BH heals and new questions come up all the time. I have nothing to hide now.

Do I think of my LTA AP? Only rarely, and it's in a "wow, we were really fucked up" kind of way. His BS does not know, so I live with a certain amount of fear about when she does find out. I would answer her questions too.

Does size really matter? NO.


neverbelieve

I truly thought that I loved both of them, in different ways. The A love was an illusion, or limerance. I separated my life into pieces. I was with who I was with when I was there. Feelings for BH did not bleed over to my A, and AP didn't bleed over to my M. I was good at keeping things compartmentalized.


painpaingoaway

I did not use condoms. Getting pregnant was my main concern, but I can't have any more, and both BH and AP had had the big V. I trusted that AP was clean and had only been with his BS. Yes, it was monumentally stupid.

[This message edited by wwnomore at 7:18 AM, October 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Mandmr1
♂ Member
Member # 31412
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter and wwnomore, thanks for your responses... I'm 9 months out and it's been a horrible month for triggering...all I have is hope...


I'm 54 (BH)
My wife 55 (WW)
Married 22 years now
Together 24 years barely
D DAY February 9th 2011
Wedding Anniversary February 14th
Daughter 21

Posts: 214 | Registered: Mar 2011
spareparts
♂ Member
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WS's!

Was hoping someone could help me, I was just wondering about withdrawal from the AP.

Basically my WW, still has to work with the guy, and up until 2 weeks ago was still texting/talking to him every day. Right now she seems to be in a pretty bad place, no ethusiasm for anything, tired all the time, not interested in the kids etc. She told me that she did pick me, and in fact from what she says actually picked me twice but had a hard time letting go the first time (if she had i'd have never found out). And part of me can see that she wants to try and make it work, but at the moment she is full of, well god knows what.

As i understand there is also a chemical element to the addiction of an affair, i am under the impression she is suffering withdrawal, and I was just wondering if this was likely, how long it would last etc. And if i'm doing the right thing by basically letting her get on with that whilst i do my own thing with the kids etc.

She does appear to know this and has applied for other jobs to get away from the guy, but still doesn't seem to be able to fully show me the respect and attention that i feel i deserve at this time.

Or am i just asking too much/expecting too much, or really just looking to provide her with excuses. She has always been the type of person to run away from a problem and not face it, she is trying to face it at times but others thinks running away is easier.

Thanks for any insights!


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To male and female WS:
Did you always use condoms? And if you did NOT, how did you rationalize that?

Affairs, for the vast majority of people, are generally a fantasy world. Now, for the wayward, in this fantasy world, there is no need for protection, all is bliss..... Until it's not!

There is nothing rational about affairs! Hence, there is no way to rationalize not using condoms during an affair....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

spareparts,

If your wife is still working with her AP, she will be triggered daily. She will not be able to work through the physical and mental withdraw under these circumstances. She needs to take a leave of absence.

Money or marriage! You can always catch up on bills later.

Pick up the book, "Surviving An Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. In it, the steps for recovering from an affair are laid out very well.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is he overcome with guilt and shame because of what I go through as a result of his actions? Or is he just shutting me down because he does not want to deal with it.

Livetotell,

My wife had times that she cried during and after sex. It was a very awkward time for me. For me, I typically held her and let her know I was there for her. But, it was awkward for each of us. I found that it was best for us to engage in morning or afternoon sex rather than evening. She found those times of the day more enjoyable and in turn, I was more inclined to rub her back, give her a massage, talk with her, or read together at night. We discovered that evening sex was more of a trigger for her, causing tears, so the change was a great plan for us.

Whatever you do, don't ignore it! Bring it up to him, as I'm sure he's just trying to figure out how to enjoy sex again without it causing you pain.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MrandMrs1

I have a question for WWs...Will you EVER tell your BH all the details of your A if he asks for them?
Does size really matter?

Yes, every detail. Every conversation. Every email and text I could possibly remember sending and receiving or find in my email/phone. But, mine was only a year long affair...for a very LTA, I'm not sure that is possible.

Do I still think about him? Sure, I mean, he was the cause of the destruction of my life...I think it will be a while before I completely forget him. My first therapist told me that in 20 years I won't remember his name....I'm not so sure about that, but wouldn't that be great??

painpaingoaway

To male and female WS:
Did you always use condoms? And if you did NOT, how did you rationalize that?

No, I never used one. I'm not even sure how I rationalized that. I think, at the time, the use of condoms would have made it seem like we 'planned' on having sex. I know that sounds ridiculous, obviously given the number of encounters we knew we were going to have sex...but if one of us had brought condoms it would have..I don't know...made it seem more deliberate?

There is no good answer from me on that one. It makes me sick to think that I didn't, especially given my AP's lack of boundaries and ability to tell the truth about almost anything.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 2:01 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH
Intuition is not a gift, but a skill based in self esteem.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Nov 2010
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which side of life do you remember more during affair? Time with AP. Time with spouse.

Does The Fog make all affair time memories foggy?

Do you block out the bad memories?

How do you know what is real now if you didn't then? Fantasy vs reality.

Was AP jealous of your spouse?


Growing forward

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Sep 2011
Mandmr1
♂ Member
Member # 31412
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a lot of TT, my WW says she was infactuated with him and she liked liked him... What does this mean? How can you say you never stopped loving me, and be infactuated with another married man?
Per mr conversation with the MOM, he told me my WW told him everything about my wife's and I arguments... She was running to him for comfort?


I'm 54 (BH)
My wife 55 (WW)
Married 22 years now
Together 24 years barely
D DAY February 9th 2011
Wedding Anniversary February 14th
Daughter 21

Posts: 214 | Registered: Mar 2011
Sara8
♀ Member
Member # 33644
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All WS's:

I am a recently betrayed spouse. I have a question I hope WS's can answer as best they can.

I was alerted by email to my husband's emotional/physical affair.

When caught he said he would stop it, but that was a lie because he contacted her by phone to end it and then again to ensure she was ok, when she sent a "help me" email.

He did tell me about those meetings on his own, only when asked and told that I had received more emails stating that he was still in contact with the OW.

He claimed the first contact was for closure and to let her know that the door was firmly shut. The second contact was to ensure that she was physically ok after sending a "help me" email claiming she feared her husband knew.

My husband pleaded with me not to inform the OWs spouse of the affair. He said he was known to be aggressive and might hurt the other woman or take away her children.

He claims she has said her children are everything to her.

But that is difficult to believe given that she parked her kids with the nanny while her husband traveled and worked is butt off to maintain the high living lifestyle she enjoyed.

Do you think I should agree to not tell the OW's spouse.

So many people on the other board say that I should, because not doing so could force the affair underground.

Do you think that is true?

Personally, I do not want to be the one to cause so much pain in the OW's spouse, and IMO, I believe that he will eventually find out on his own.

From a Former wayward spouse perspective, do you think the fact that my husband has pleaded with me not to tell the other spouse is a reason for me to be suspicious that contact is still going on.

Or, is it possible my husbands logic is valid.

Also, I sense my husband is afraid the spouse might come after him and be aggressive, but is afraid to admit that because it sounds weak. The OWs spouse is not only physically aggressive but much wealthier than my husband. So, he is likely to become both physically and financially aggressive toward the other man.

Any advice?


Sara8

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sara8, The short, glib answer is that your WH is full of shit and still protecting the MOW.

The longer, gentler answer is that you should do what you need to do and your WH should support you in your decisions to do whatever you need to heal. Also, while each persons situation is unique, the standard operating procedure (SOP) and suggestions by the BS's on this site should be taken to heart and followed. Tell the OW's BH. It is unlikely that he will confront your WH.

While the A may very well have gone underground, it is just as likely that your WH is just still really confused about things and is unwilling to throw the MOW under the bus and see her for what she is. I had the same thoughts and said similar things as your WH when everything came to a head for me.

You are the focus now. You are at the helm of this ship. Start taking care of yourself and begin defining what you need in order to heal from this. While your WH can't heal the hurts he has inflicted on you, he can respect you and be there for you. As long as he is trying to convince you to not tell the MOW BH, then he is not respecting you.

That's my take...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie,

Which side of life do you remember more during affair?
Time with AP. Except that my EA was mostly long distance, so time with AP involved texting and a few phone calls.

Does The Fog make all affair time memories foggy?
The memory of actual events might be the same, but the "meaning" or "intent" of those events could be way off. During the fog, the WS will be screwed up and doing almost anything to connect with the AP, so they will be doing almost anything they can to get away from the BS. They will be angry about having to go to family events that otherwise might have been happy times. So the WS remembers doing things, but their emotion and mindset probably makes for embarrassing, regrettable memories of those times.

Do you block out the bad memories?
I was going to ask you whether you meant bad memories of the A or of the M during the A, then I realized that I tried to block out both...this is where the internal fight happens for the WS, knowing the truth, but having to admit it and that we created the problem in the first place.

How do you know what is real now if you didn't then? Fantasy vs reality.
this is another struggle for the WS while coming out of the fog. I have generally held to my belief that A's aren't all fantasy. If they were, then why do they cause so much pain? Plus, every WS here has lived through that fantasy, we spent time there, so isn't it real to some point? So the fantasy/reality question is more about the future in my opinion. So everytime I thought about the future with the MOW, I knew I was full of shit and not being honest with myself. I lived in the fantasy in the past and in the present, but I couldn't live there in the future and make everything fit in my mind. Not sure if that makes sense...

Was AP jealous of your spouse?
Not that I know of. This question/subject never came up.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandmr1,

Your WW was caught up in the euphoria of the A. It is a very overwhelming experience. There are papers and articles and studies about how A's can cause the brain to experience drug-like reactions from being in an A or contact with the AP (not sure if I am explaining that accurately...look on the web).

For lack of a better way to describe it, I was infatuated with the MOW during (and after) my EA. I would not let go for anything. It took a lot of effort (and my BW having a bag packed) to finally knock some sense into me.

Many of the conversations in A's are exaggerated versions of reality. We will run to the AP because only they can really understand us and how unfair the BS is being to us, not giving us what we need to feel loved. It goes along the lines of rewriting the marital history.

You are trying to understand things that in many ways have no logical answer. What happens in the mind of a WS during an A can be crazy as hell. It's even crazy to the WS once they find their footing.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which side of life do you remember more during affair? Time with AP. Time with spouse.

I'm not sure I remember one more than another. I remembered everything from AP because every encounter was so....hmm, consequential to my life? I could never 'forget' that.

Does The Fog make all affair time memories foggy?

First, I don't buy 'the fog'.

Second, as I said above, no, my memories are very clear of the affair and I would venture that those who say they 'cant remember' are trying to protect themselves.


Do you block out the bad memories?

Do you mean in general? I'd say yes, I do in general.

How do you know what is real now if you didn't then? Fantasy vs reality.

I knew it was real then too. I knew it was going to ruin my life, but the 'high' was too good for me to stop apparently, no matter how bad I felt afterwards. It's hard to explain. At times I would try to stop only to get sucked back in. AP even said to me once that he felt 'bad' because he knew I would give in every time he made an advance :-(.

I'm not sure if I agree that it is 'fantasy' when someone is in an affair. It's very real. I think people are using the term fantasy on these boards when the APs were 'in love'. If the APs think they are 'in love'...they probably ARE in love. To me, the reason it is fantasy love is that they don't have to deal with as many of the daily challenges a marriage has.

Was AP jealous of your spouse?

Never discussed but he should have been because my BH is fabulous!


Me: WW
Him: BH
Intuition is not a gift, but a skill based in self esteem.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Nov 2010
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a lot of TT, my WW says she was infactuated with him and she liked liked him... What does this mean? How can you say you never stopped loving me, and be infactuated with another married man?

I think it is entirely possible to still be in love with the BS and 'like' the AP. I 'liked' my AP. We had similar senses of humor, similar business styles/goals, we got along, etc. Didn't mean that I didn't love my BH. I know that sounds bad, but it is entirely possible.

Now, after the affair was over, I was forced to read (in my timeline) every conversation had and had to re-live every encounter. It was reading it that made me realize that my AP 'might' not be the friend I thought he was. I still don't think he's an evil person or anything, he was just as broken as I was and our paths crossed at the wrong time. In other situations, I guarantee we would be friends.


Me: WW
Him: BH
Intuition is not a gift, but a skill based in self esteem.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Nov 2010
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question - To those ws who went back to the marriage after your a....

1. During your a, what kind of life did you think you could make with the ap? (long range plans)

2. Post a, do you now think you could have made a life with the ap?

3. During your a what did you honestly think would happen to your marriage IF/WHEN you got caught? Did you honestly think that the marriage would or even could get back to normal?


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Sep 2005
Sara8
♀ Member
Member # 33644
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter BFF:

Thank you for providing your honest opinion.

I do think you are right on target.


Sara8

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
Mandmr1
♂ Member
Member # 31412
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter, your insight helps to illuminate some of the dark unanswered questions running through my mind.
Helpmegetoverit, I can only hope that size doesn't matter in my case and I still can't see how my WW could LIKE-LIKE this MOM, infatuated... This is just killing me to know she felt like this for another married man...
This is a pretty broad question, did you, or any ws think what would happen if we found out? Did you care?


I'm 54 (BH)
My wife 55 (WW)
Married 22 years now
Together 24 years barely
D DAY February 9th 2011
Wedding Anniversary February 14th
Daughter 21

Posts: 214 | Registered: Mar 2011
EveryTwo
♀ Member
Member # 32884
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What steps toward healing do WS do? Besides trying to "support the BS"?

I feel like my WS is not doing enough (mainly to prevent this from happening again). I'm not sure if I just have too high of expectations.


BW: Me
WH: Him
3 kids
DDay: July 8, 2011
DDay2: July 30, 2011 (more info)
Working at R

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jul 2011
ACRC
♂ Member
Member # 33417
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, after the affair was over, I was forced to read (in my timeline) every conversation had and had to re-live every encounter. It was reading it that made me realize that my AP 'might' not be the friend I thought he was.

helpmegetoverit --

It looks like you're saying that you're saying you reevaluated your thoughts after the A and came up with different conclusions than those you had while in the A.

1. If possible, can you provide us a little detail on how your thinking changed in this situation?

2. I buy into the concept of "revising marital history". Is it possible that this is an example of "revising A history"? And how do you know that the new version of A history is the accurate one?


Me: BBF
Her: WGF

DDay: November 20, 2010
Currently working on R


Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2011
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