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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you to all the WS for responding...i have read all the posts...and they have been very helpful. my wh is very remorseful and wants to save our marriage. the 6 month affair supposedly ended a year ago..this all happend during my infertility/pregancy. he confessed the affair 2 months ago....it has been a terrible time. i threw him out, ruined his clothes, told all of his family/friends, and even wrote a letter to the OW bosses at the gym where they met. he is now back home, we r in mc, and we are trying to r. he feels terrible...and guilty...i am completely devastated. a few questions i was hoping you could help me with:

1. did you get tired of talking about the details of the a everyday? is there a time when you felt that talking about the details everyday was not productive? how did you help your bs with this?

2. why do you think my wh says things like..."why do you want to be with me? why do you want to be with someone who has lied to you so much?" it is almost like he cannot believe this. is this him trying to get sympathy?

3. he made comments that when we were separated, in some ways it was easier because he didnt have to look me in the face or address what happend. i sometimes feel fearful that running away would be easier for him than dealing with the pain and agony he caused. did you feel this way? he has been sick with the flu and i have been taking care of him and he it seems to depress him even more...he said that he feels terrible that he did me so wrong and i am taking care of him. i am not sure what to do.

i would appreciate your answers...thank you


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. did you get tired of talking about the details of the a everyday? is there a time when you felt that talking about the details everyday was not productive? how did you help your bs with this?

Yes, I got very tired of talking about the details everyday and yes I did not think it was productive after I had already answered the questions. But I let my BS talk, scream and ask questions because I knew it was his way of dealing with it. I had to let him get it out or it would poison him.

2. why do you think my wh says things like..."why do you want to be with me? why do you want to be with someone who has lied to you so much?" it is almost like he cannot believe this. is this him trying to get sympathy?

I think it probably is hard for him to believe that you are willing to work on your marriage. He probably thinks that what he has done is too awful to forgive and that you are willing to try is unbelievable. I don't think it is him trying to get sympathy.

he made comments that when we were separated, in some ways it was easier because he didnt have to look me in the face or address what happend. i sometimes feel fearful that running away would be easier for him than dealing with the pain and agony he caused. did you feel this way? he has been sick with the flu and i have been taking care of him and he it seems to depress him even more...

Yes I would believe that being seperated would be the easy way. We (my husband and I) didn't seperate. But I can see where your husband would think it was easier not to have to look at the hurt that he caused.

He is probably not feeling worthy of you and that is why he is getting more depressed with you taking care of him while he is sick. He feels like you shouldn't do anything for him since he has wronged you.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you sandcrab for the reply...i really appreciate it so much. sometimes i feel like a weak person for trying to r with my husband after all he has done. as i mentioned before he asks me "why would i want to be with anyone who had lied so much and hurt me so much." i love him and want to save my marriage...and i see that he is very remorseful...i do wonder however if as the wh he feels that i am a weak woman..."willing to put up with anything". i hope that makes sense.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you very much for responding. it helps to be able to communicate with you. i am in such a terrible place right now. sandcrab, 2 months ago, my husband admitted to a 6 month affair with his czech yoga instructor/former stripper. he said the affair ended over a year ago...this all happend while we were going through infertility and during my pregnancy...which has been heartbreaking. some family and friends gave me hints that he was messing around...and he always denied it...then 2 months ago, he told me and there went my world. i went ballistic...i threw him out, ruined his clothes, sent emails to his friends/family about the affair, and even sent a formal complaint letter to the ow bosses at the gym where they met. he was sorry, and begged to work things out..he then got mad when i did these things...it got really ugly. after about 3 weeks of fighting and hurting each other...he gave up his apartment and moved back home. we hve started mc with our pastor (that he initiated), and he is very remorseful and wants to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. but i am still devastated. from my last post i said that my husband is feeling very sad about what he did as i take care of him when he is sick...and asks me why i am with him...and mentioned it being easier at the apartment where he could be alone. he has always been the type of man to run away...and he told me that he is not running away from us.
i guess my question to you sandcrab is...could my husband think i am a weak woman for taking him back and trying to r? do you know what i mean?

sometimes i want him to feel so guilty and bad everyday...but at some point i know i will have to ease up...is that what you wanted as well? did your husband ease up? do you still feel guilty.

lastly...he told me that he had it all...he said he had a beautiful wife, beautiful son, nice home, vacations...he told me this a few days ago...if he had it all...why risk it?

thank you so much


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here's another thing....my wh says that this affair ended a year ago. he just told me about it 2 months ago and i am dealing with it like it happend yesterday. PLEASE share your thoughts about what he may be thinking. for him it has "been over"...he said he changed gyms so that he didnt have to see her or run into her. it supposedly ended after i had the baby. i am not sure what to do with this information. do we still do a NC letter to the ow if the a ended a year ago. how do i know there has been no contact? she is supposedly engaged or in another relationship...but you just never know.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
betrayednerd
♂ New Member
Member # 34192
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS - Thank you for all of your honesty in this thread.

What angle has your BS taken with you that made it easiest for you to open up? I know my WW feels remorse and has apologized for the act, but not for what it's done to me. I need more, but I'm not sure how to get it out of her. I know it's there. I toyed with writing her a letter with how it's made me feel. But I feel like that is bringing her to a place I want her to get on her own.

Thank you.


Me - BH 32
Her - WW (ONS on 11/17)
OM - 25yo coworker (different office 1k miles away)
DDay 11/23/11
Married 5 years, together 12
2 year old child

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2011
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked this before but would like a response from WS's. Is it possible to have "bad" "awkward" sex with the AP or be unable to perform and still continue the affair? I find it hard to believe. . .

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for a vector check:

In R for almost 3 years; we live 3 states away from each other due to work, NOT our choice.

R is difficult as WS does not like to talk about A-related issues; almost shuts down. I still have insecurities.

Last pm, he did a search on OW#1. Why? Why would he open that door? And I just sit here and wait...wait to see if it develops into another bad decision. This is so out of the blue. Now I wonder if he is contacting her via work email (we all work for the same large corporation). I am at a loss.


Divorced

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Sep 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What angle has your BS taken with you that made it easiest for you to open up? I know my WW feels remorse and has apologized for the act, but not for what it's done to me. I need more, but I'm not sure how to get it out of her. I know it's there. I toyed with writing her a letter with how it's made me feel. But I feel like that is bringing her to a place I want her to get on her own.

Thank you.

BN,

Unless you expect your spouse to read your mind, I'd express verbally or in a letter what you need from her to help you...

Expecting our spouse to get "where we need them to be on their own", is unreasonable.

If you don't express your needs, respectfully, why would she ever have meeting those needs as a goal of hers? Give her a target to aim for and maybe she can focus in on hitting that target??


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked this before but would like a response from WS's. Is it possible to have "bad" "awkward" sex with the AP or be unable to perform and still continue the affair? I find it hard to believe. . .

YES!

It happened in my case!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for a vector check:
In R for almost 3 years; we live 3 states away from each other due to work, NOT our choice.

R is difficult as WS does not like to talk about A-related issues; almost shuts down. I still have insecurities.

Last pm, he did a search on OW#1. Why? Why would he open that door? And I just sit here and wait...wait to see if it develops into another bad decision. This is so out of the blue. Now I wonder if he is contacting her via work email (we all work for the same large corporation). I am at a loss.

H2M,

I'm sorry to see your husband is still making contact... One sided, but still contact!

It's another D-Day and whether he's bored, curious, or furious.... It's still a break in the No-Contact necessary to recover a marriage.


I've seen other waywards do the same ridiculous type of searches and then spin it as something less than it is.... It's BETRAYAL! AGAIN!

I would suggest you immediately confront this infidelity for what it is and tell him to stop or find a new place to live.

I would also tell him you need him to read the book, "Surviving An Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. as your H is not fathoming the degree of pain associated with this behavior.


Often people (typical waywards and those BS's in denial) try to dismiss a search on the internet as not being a big deal.... It really is what starts the process of infidelity all over again....

Please confront his behavior today!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here's another thing....my wh says that this affair ended a year ago. he just told me about it 2 months ago and i am dealing with it like it happend yesterday. PLEASE share your thoughts about what he may be thinking. for him it has "been over"...he said he changed gyms so that he didnt have to see her or run into her. it supposedly ended after i had the baby. i am not sure what to do with this information. do we still do a NC letter to the ow if the a ended a year ago. how do i know there has been no contact? she is supposedly engaged or in another relationship...but you just never know.

sri624,

Yes, I'd suggest a NC letter!

My guess is that your H told you about his A before someone else told you. It's rather typical.
I told my wife I had been involved in two previous affairs, that didn't involve intercourse, in order to keep her off the trail of the active affair that was happening at that time. (Waywards do some sick things) There were no previous affairs in my case, I was just too stupid to realize how cruel my wayward deception actually was.

I would also ask him to change all the behaviors that allowed the affair/affairs to occur. His traveling to gyms and spending time away on his own is a large contributing factor that allowed this A to occur, and continue un-noticed. It's a SECRET-SEPARATE LIFESTYLE that sounds like it's still available to him....

As long as this seperate lifestyle was available to me, the risks of adultery ran very high, just as they do for your H....

It sounds like your H has not changed his behavior and laid boundaries in his life that will protect you from adultery occurring again...

BTW, You're not weak for taking your H back! It's a courageously, strong spouse that has the courage and strength to fight for their marriage and their family. :)

[This message edited by Card at 12:27 PM, December 13th (Tuesday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Card. I have found myself talking to myself...trying to minimize this as "he just did a search; he didn't talk/email her..." but who knows if he did or not.

I appreciate your input!!


Divorced

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Sep 2009
betrayednerd
♂ New Member
Member # 34192
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BN,

Unless you expect your spouse to read your mind, I'd express verbally or in a letter what you need from her to help you...

Expecting our spouse to get "where we need them to be on their own", is unreasonable.

If you don't express your needs, respectfully, why would she ever have meeting those needs as a goal of hers? Give her a target to aim for and maybe she can focus in on hitting that target??

Thank you, Card.
Tonight she and I went over the 7 Steps to an Intimate Apology, which I had discussed during IC. It seems to have already opened the dialogue a bit. I'm anxiously awaiting her letter at this point.


Me - BH 32
Her - WW (ONS on 11/17)
OM - 25yo coworker (different office 1k miles away)
DDay 11/23/11
Married 5 years, together 12
2 year old child

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2011
ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,

Yesterday, my WW read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". Basically, this is a "give yourself permission to get a divorce book.

DDay1 was Aug 12th, but the affair didn't truly end in her mind until DDay2 on Oct 30th, so she's about 6 weeks out.

At 6 weeks post DDay1, I was ready to walk. Almost did.

Last night she texted me (I'm out of town on business) that all she can think about is how much she wants out of this marriage. She said she is "in a bad place" and didn't want to call.

Any idea what's going on in her mind? She's regretful and ashamed right now, but not yet remorseful.

Thanks.

SLH


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point it feels easier to run and just leave everything behind. Is she doing anything to actively work on things yet?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. After DDay2 she became very proactive in ending the affair. She is very negative about her AP. We are in MC and she is educating herself on relationship theory. She is reading Schnarch's _Intimacy and Desire_ right now.


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may be trying to get away from her choices but I doubt it. If she's reading that book and based on some of your other posts I believe she's wanting out of the marriage.

She's made horrible choices. I think those choices are a very skewed attempt to adhere to her faith yet find an "acceptable" way out.

Your wife is really the only one that knows how she feels. I know the fog is used a lot. From what I read I know some experience it. Some WS's are done, though and made toxic choices to cope with that rather than coming to the spouse and stating they want a divorce.

I did. I told my ex I wanted out well before the affair. Hell, he knew about the affair. Never kept secrets or lied. No matter how many books I could read of building intimacy I was done.

She may be too and can't reconcile that in her mind so is trying whatever she can.

Only she knows. So, Shall, what does any of this mean to you? What are you doing to focus on your healing regardless of whether your wife is in or out?

As my 4 year old pointed out a while ago. You can do what you can to have her remain in the marriage with you but you can't make her want to.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope for peace for you.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any idea what's going on in her mind? She's regretful and ashamed right now, but not yet remorseful.

SLH,

She's not sure anything is going to change.

She's not sure she wants to carry the load on her own.

She's not sure she will ever be in love with you again.

Shall I go on.....

She's selfish, maybe even a bit foggy, but here's the thing... She is comparing the fantasy of her A and how it felt, to what she has and feels now.... They aren't matching up. When all she sees is that they don't match up, she has no remorse for her actions, only excuses that lead to the entitled mindset of a wayward.

Have you or your wife read the book, Surviving an Affair? It may greatly improve your chances of successfully recovering your marriage.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know...

There were a lot of really good times in our marriage. Times when we were very close with a tremendous amount of love, respect, and devotion to each other and to the marriage.

She claims this was all an act on her part, but I have trouble believing anyone is that good an actor. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think there is a past to draw from and some real emotional attachment that can be nurtured.

If the marriage ends, I'll be ok, but I'm not ready to give in yet.

I wonder if a lot of this is still from the fog, or maybe a desire to avoid the pain of reconciliation. She is really only 6 weeks out from ending the affair.

I dunno...


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
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