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User
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Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
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ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811 |  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011 |     |
We have not read _Surviving the Affair_, but I have visited the website. We have read _NOT Just Friends_, _Intimacy and Desire_, and _Avoiding the Greener Grass_.
Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.
John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan | Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067 | | Posted: 2:19 PM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011 | |
She is really only 6 weeks out from ending the affair.
Six weeks is not very long. Are you sure the A is over? If so she probably doesn't realize the extent of the devestation she has caused and she still may be a little foggy.
If she is reading a lot of books that is good. There is a thread with good books for WS's. Here is the link.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=318321
I ♥ LostJim
Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/
Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere... | ShallLoveHer
♂ Member
Member # 33811 | | Posted: 7:22 PM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011 | |
Hi Sandcrab. I'm convinced it's over. I think it was almost over when I discovered the blogging. She just needed an excuse to stop.
Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.
John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan | PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195 | | Posted: 8:44 AM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011 | |
I'm really new here so please bear with me.
Has any WS ever tried to shift sympathy to their self by faking being sick or any other way?
This has just happened to me. My WS says she's sick and sits in our family room looking like she's going to die. I guess I'm still a bit of a soft touch because I buy it and attend to her. Then when I leave, I find her on FB and other forums telling people she's fine. It really pisses me off because it looks like just another lie. Sorry to ramble on so. [This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 8:45 AM, December 17th (Saturday)]
Me-BH Her-STBXWW | B/ 59 |
#1 3yr. PA #2 1yr. EA | D-day 11-18-11 | False R for 11 months. Currently S & Filing for D.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 9:04 AM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011 | |
Panic,
I think it is fairly common for the WS to get into a mode of trumping their BS. Early on, or even prior to d-day it might be more deliberate or even intentional. But post d-day, and very early in this mess, I think it is less intentional and just the "go-to" reaction for the WS because it is what they do and have done.
It is really your call now as to whether you think she is moving forward, working on herself and trying to heal. If she continues to do this though, you will become stuck.
Is there any good communication happening between you guys yet? If so, then point this out. Let her know how it makes you feel.
I did this, although not as obviously as you WW is doing. I kept finding other things that I needed to work on, whether it was home projects, myself, work, studying for professional certs. It is all relevant and needs to be done, but now when I do these things, I amdoing them with my BW in mind and being aware of the impact my activities have on the family. It is less about running away, more about finding a process that gets the work done and let's my BW feel comfortable that I am still checked in.
Talk to her.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5472 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195 | | Posted: 9:33 AM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011 | |
Baxters,
Thanks for the quick reply.
But post d-day, and very early in this mess, I think it is less intentional and just the "go-to" reaction for the WS because it is what they do and have done.
Maybe I'm just dumb, but do they do this to try and take a break from feeling guilty about what they have done? Is this what you were saying?
Is there any good communication happening between you guys yet?
By good communication, do you mean any that I can really believe? She says all the right things, I'm sorry, I know I've hurt you, I'll do whatever it takes to repair this, I know it's all my fault etc...etc... I just keep thinking that this recent magical epiphany that brought about her remorse is nothing more than attempt to keep her meal ticket. I know, it's sounds like I'm not even giving her a chance. That's the trouble, I really don't know yet if I even want too.
If so, then point this out. Let her know how it makes you feel.
I've thought about this, but she's lied to me so much that even if I tell her how I feel and she apologizes, I doubt if I would believe her.
Guess I shouldn't be asking this stuff being I'm only 4 weeks out from original d-day. I'm really trying to just lay low until I can get my head on straight, i.e., not make any rash decisions. Hope that makes sense. [This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 9:36 AM, December 17th (Saturday)]
Me-BH Her-STBXWW | B/ 59 |
#1 3yr. PA #2 1yr. EA | D-day 11-18-11 | False R for 11 months. Currently S & Filing for D.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest | uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108 | | Posted: 11:26 AM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011 | |
Panic, why does she still have Facebook? If she'll do "whatever it takes" and her choices have been cyberaffairs why is she anywhere near a computer?
That is what I'd be focusing on. Her choices and what she's doing about looking at them and changing them.
Me: 37
Can I get a what what?
Posts: 6205 | Registered: Mar 2010 | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 5:17 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011 | |
Panic,
She probably isn't doing it to take a break from guilt. This is my opinion, but she is doing it because it has worked in the past. In fact, it likely worked so well for her, that she has has become very effective at implementing this reaction in times of stress.
By becoming sicker than you, by showing that she is in greater pain than you, she is effectively taking the focus off of herself and getting you to drop the issue a bit. It buys her time.
Now, this totally depends on her, and you know her best, so this is just a possibility. But, it is very likely that she deosn't even know she is doing this. It may be something that she learned to do early in life, and she has just been able to make it work throughout her life. So it may come as some surprise to her that she is doing this.
Again, this is your call, but if you think she is unaware of what she is doing, then you may be able to help her through it by pointing out to her. If she is a bit more devious, then she may be doing this purposely and will attempt to blame you for what she is doing. You just have to trust your gut that you know her well enough to decide which way to go on this.
Good communication should be a goal. There are many different ways to create effective communication. My BW and I went to Imago therapy and learned a lot of good communication tools which helped us through some rough times early on. Don't expect truth yet, at least about the A or the OP, but maybe you can get to some honest discussion with each other, without getting defensive or blameshifting. It is a slow process, and both of you will need to be onboard.
4-weeks is pretty early, both for you and your WW. The first priority is to take care of yourself.
Don't feel obligated to trust her. As everyone says here, trust your gut and look at her actions, not her words.
And UO is right about the FB thing. She should go cold-turkey...I dropped mine almost two years ago to the day. Haven't been back since.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5472 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195 | | Posted: 6:17 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011 | |
why does she still have Facebook? If she'll do "whatever it takes" and her choices have been cyberaffairs why is she anywhere near a computer?
I should have explained this better, sorry.
First, I have tracking software on WW's computer & her smart phone. I had it in place from day 2 of discovery, so I'm not worried about her being online. The software also tracks FB & other chat services which she does not even use.
Second, she runs a cooking forum which I built for her. All of the contacts on her FB, with the exception of family are from the cooking forum. The forum actually makes us a little revenue which we really need right now.
BTW, there have been no instances of contact with the OM since she sent NC letter and received a conformation back on 11/30.
Hope that explains this. [This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 6:18 PM, December 17th (Saturday)]
Me-BH Her-STBXWW | B/ 59 |
#1 3yr. PA #2 1yr. EA | D-day 11-18-11 | False R for 11 months. Currently S & Filing for D.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest | PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195 | | Posted: 12:41 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011 | |
Removed because of stupidity on my part. See apology below.[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 8:49 PM, December 19th (Monday)]
Me-BH Her-STBXWW | B/ 59 |
#1 3yr. PA #2 1yr. EA | D-day 11-18-11 | False R for 11 months. Currently S & Filing for D.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 4:50 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011 | |
PanicAttack53 -
Can someone tell me what they think is the best way to tell a OMW that her H has had an affair with a WW?
Perhaps this question is better addressed to BSes in General or you could consider how you would have wanted to be informed by the other BS.
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5697 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | gonogo1
♀ Member
Member # 25518 | | Posted: 7:16 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011 | |
I would appreciate some insight here . WS after 21/2 yr Seperation from me has broken it of with O W , ff . This was his 2nd A.in 6 years .He had been calling me daily , being very nice .I have papers ready to sign for legal S and D but waiting for after holidays to sign .If I think of R with him I immediately vet anxious as I am fear ful of what he is up to .He recently told me be ause my sister saw him downtown at good restaurant with a pretty young woman. Says she is a friend , married and they go to lunch a bit . Ok , he has no boundaries , where is this ones husband and how long with his history will it take to slide down the slippery slope .Also if he is trying to get me back why on earth go to lunch with this woman?A good downtown restaurant at that not cheap - . I need you 2x4 please.
Posts: 1585 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 10:28 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011 | |
gonogo1 -
If I think of R with him I immediately get anxious
Does this anxiety tell you something?
I would appreciate some insight here
What kind of insight are you looking for? Do you want a WS to explain your WS's mindset? Or would you be better off looking for BSes in General telling you to stay away from him?
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5697 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195 | | Posted: 8:47 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011 | |
Oh Man, did I screw up!!!!! 
I want to sincerely apologize to all on this forum for my earlier idiotic post asking for advice on the best way to out and A to a OMW. I've thought about this all day and couldn't wait to get back here so I could say how sorry I am.
This was not the right place for this post and if I offended anyone, please know that I didn't do it intentionally. I'm not trying to excuse what I did, but I am a newbie and it was just a stupid newbie mistake.
I really admire all who have the courage to answer BS posts here and I should have had more respect for their feelings.
I promise from now on to think more before I post.
Once again, sorry!
Me-BH Her-STBXWW | B/ 59 |
#1 3yr. PA #2 1yr. EA | D-day 11-18-11 | False R for 11 months. Currently S & Filing for D.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 11:52 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011 | |
Panic - No offense was taken. I just thought that other BSes were better suited to help you when it comes to informing a BS. You did not say anything "wrong".
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5697 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | isadora1985
♀ Member
Member # 29097 | | Posted: 12:27 AM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011 | |
Question about abandonment.
I can sort of understand why the WS pulls away from the BS during the a. But for a father/mother who was a very involved, hands-on, loving, kind of parent, how or why does the WS suddenly abandon their own children? How does the WS rationalize it? How does one justify devastating and abandoning an innocent child? A child that once meant everything to you(WS), but now doesn't seem to even matter or register in your heart or mind anhymore? A child who is devastated by the obvious loss of love of their former attentive and loving parent? I would just like to understand how a WS might do this? My FWH was NOT there mentally and barely physically for our 3 boys during his a. They did not even seem to matter to him. He didn't seem to even care if he hurt them.
Now, he is once again the loving, attentive, hands-on father he used to be. Unfortunately, none of our boys truly believe him anymore. He has shown them that he cannot be trusted to be there for them no matter what. They still love him, but they don't respect him anymore. They hate what he did to me(their mother) and what he did to them. I fear that the wonderful father-son relationships they once had are gone forever. None of them will let him that close again. I can see it and so can he. He often gets teary now when he trys to give them the love they deserve and they reject it. Just as he once rejected them and their love for him.
Affairs suck.
Isa [This message edited by isadora1985 at 12:31 AM, December 20th (Tuesday)]
BS, 44
FWH, 52
married 26 years, together 27
3 DS (21, 16, 11)
MOW, whore who thinks she is a "Lady"...LMAO at this!
2 yr EA turned to 1-2 month PA(I think)
D-day, May 2009 (EA revealed)
D-day2, Oct. 12, 2009 (PA revealed)
NC since Ma
Posts: 455 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MO | crestfallen
♀ Member
Member # 27993 | | Posted: 8:09 AM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011 | |
Question for Waywards.....did anyone feel that the sex with the AP wasn't great, but continued anyway just for the thrill and excitment of the A?
BS-me-56
WH-56
Married 31 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!
Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2010 | Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067 | | Posted: 9:02 AM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011 | |
did anyone feel that the sex with the AP wasn't great, but continued anyway just for the thrill and excitment of the A?
I know that sex wasn't great with the AP. I did continue to try to get another chance to see if it could get better  but that didn't happen. I was told that it would be better next time and I held onto that. I am glad now that it didn't happen. I did kept on with the sexting though.
I ♥ LostJim
Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/
Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere... | Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667 | | Posted: 9:27 AM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011 | |
I can sort of understand why the WS pulls away from the BS during the a. But for a father/mother who was a very involved, hands-on, loving, kind of parent, how or why does the WS suddenly abandon their own children? How does the WS rationalize it? How does one justify devastating and abandoning an innocent child? A child that once meant everything to you(WS), but now doesn't seem to even matter or register in your heart or mind anhymore? A child who is devastated by the obvious loss of love of their former attentive and loving parent? I would just like to understand how a WS might do this? My FWH was NOT there mentally and barely physically for our 3 boys during his a. They did not even seem to matter to him. He didn't seem to even care if he hurt them.
I wish there were a great answer for this, one that would make it all seem logical, rational, commonsensical….. But there is not.
The closest I have come to an answer is from The Book of James in the Bible. “When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:13-15
Adultery separated me from God, my wife and my family. That’s what my choices created – separation.
I also look at it like this; Sin = Darkness, Adultery = Darkness, My Family = Light.... I couldn’t live in the darkness and allow light in….
Now, he is once again the loving, attentive, hands-on father he used to be. Unfortunately, none of our boys truly believe him anymore. He has shown them that he cannot be trusted to be there for them no matter what. They still love him, but they don't respect him anymore. They hate what he did to me(their mother) and what he did to them. I fear that the wonderful father-son relationships they once had are gone forever. None of them will let him that close again. I can see it and so can he. He often gets teary now when he trys to give them the love they deserve and they reject it. Just as he once rejected them and their love for him.
This really does suck! It’s what all the apologies in the world can never repair. It’s called natural consequences! We cannot make anyone accept the repentance we have to offer.
The relationships with my own children have always been fragile and will still take a lifetime of effort to maintain.
What my apologies cannot undo is the loyalty my children feel was lost. Loyalty can only be developed with time, and… well, loyalty.
I wish you both well.... And with each holiday, your H will demonstrate, to the best of his ability, that he wants his family and will remain loyal to them....
Her 46
Me 47
7 Children Together
Multiple D-Days April - Oct. 2007
Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Posts: 390 | Registered: Apr 2009 | isadora1985
♀ Member
Member # 29097 | | Posted: 11:57 AM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011 | |
Thank you, Card, for your answer. I know there is truly NO answer to this. Not one that makes any sense anyway. It just about kills me when I see him trying and reaching out to them and they turn away or turn to me instead. And believe me, I have done everything I possibly could to help and encourage them to try and repair their relationship with him.
I know they love him. I know he loves them. They just don't trust that anymore. He has shown them that he was willing to throw them aside for a piece of ass.
I can't understand how he can say he never stopped loving us when for 2 yrs he supposedly loved OW and her 2 children. Hell, he was ACTING like he was THEIR father while rejecting his own flesh and blood. Well, he is reaping what he sowed. He showed them that they and I are expendable to him.
So, they tolerate his "parenting", when I can see that all they really want is to truly know that they MATTER TO HIM. Instead of being tossed out like yesterday's garbage.
Honestly, I wish infidelity was a punishable crime in this country. Maybe if they had to spend a few yrs in prison, the WS would think twice about destroying the ones they claim to love and who love them the most.
And yeah, I know there will still be people who steal, abuse, kill, etc...despite the current laws we have. But your average joe obeys those laws and doesn't try to break them because they feel they are entitled to. I certainly would never dream of walking into my bank or the nearest convenience store and robbing them at gun point. No matter how bad my circumstances had gotten. Hell, recently we were on food stamps and jobless and considered homeless by the state while we temporarily resided with my MIL. I still didn't think I was entitled to steal and rob someone else just because they had what I wanted.
Ok, I really don't know where I am going with this. Just frustrated and rambling, I guess. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to express your mindset during that time. It does help me to understand more clearly that his a was about his brokenness, not me and the boys. I just wish our boys could reach this level of understanding. Unfortunately, they are still too young and immature. Hopefully, one day they can come to some sort of understanding and resolution with their father.
Isa [This message edited by isadora1985 at 12:02 PM, December 20th (Tuesday)]
BS, 44
FWH, 52
married 26 years, together 27
3 DS (21, 16, 11)
MOW, whore who thinks she is a "Lady"...LMAO at this!
2 yr EA turned to 1-2 month PA(I think)
D-day, May 2009 (EA revealed)
D-day2, Oct. 12, 2009 (PA revealed)
NC since Ma
Posts: 455 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MO | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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