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Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
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Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667 |  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012 |     |
My WH said that he never - ever- talked about me to OW. Do you believe this?
Arais,
I depends....
Was this a one night stand? Then Yes, I would believe it.
Did this OW know he was married? If she knew he was married, then No, I wouldn't believe it.
As you can see.... There are many scenario's that could exist here. And different answers would be reasonable, according to each one....
It will all boil down to, what do you believe and what does your gut tell you.
In this situation, I'd ask you, "Is this a deal breaker either way"? You already know he's an established liar and cheater, if he's lying, is this one more lie going to end the marriage?
My wife asked me hundreds of questions over the course of the first year. She assured me that the answers would not be a deal breaker, and expressed her need to know the truth of her history. As a result of feeling safe, I never felt the need to lie or withhold information.
After the initial purging stage, we also set up safe times during the week for affair related questions, An hour on Wed. evenings It allowed me to stop walking on egg shells and focus on caring for her.
WH (me)
BS (her)
Multiple D-Days (She threw me out) April - Oct. 2007
Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Posts: 409 | Registered: Apr 2009 | stillwaiting1963
♂ New Member
Member # 34039 | | Posted: 10:56 AM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
I have a really quick question that has been bugging me. My WW and I have been separated for 2 months now, she has her own apartment, I'm at home with the kids. Once a week our daughter will stay with WW overnight. But our son refuses to go over to her place. This absolutely bothers her that the kids ignore her alot and son doesn't visit.
She will stop by maybe once or twice a week, stay for perhaps a half hour and visit with kids. Typically she will leave before I get home. On occasion she might come over to get daughter to go shopping on a weekend. But mostly only sees the kids a couple times each week. She will text them mainly, perhaps call at home a couple times each week to talk to them. My son says that her texts are most often "HI! Love you!".
My son has gotten into it with her via texting. Getting mad and asking why she won't come home, to reconsider, that she's destroying the family, etc. He most recently even broke down and cried in front of her.
So my question is, this past Monday, my WW came over and cooked us supper!?!? Then hung around for around 2 hours. Talking with the kids, and even making normal conversation with me. This is totally not like anything she's done since moving out 2 months ago.
What's up with that?
An additional note, our son is failing two classes at school. She thought he was doing fine (maybe she should ask or login to school and look for herself), so when she found that out last week, she came running over to find out what was up from him. So maybe she has some additional guilt going on.
Another note, and I know that I am speculating on this and not looking for any ray of hope, but my wife has become a [bigger]football fan and I know this is because she hits the bars with her OM and friends to watch the games. She has ditched us (family) for every game to go be with her friends.
So suddenly when our team is in the playoffs, you would think she would be with the OM watching the game,right? Especially a playoff game! Big parties for those! Well, from everything I can gather, she was with her mom watching the game. And I dont' believe the OM was there because she had texted my son this past Sunday and said "Why don't you come over to my place and watch the game with me and grandma?". He of course declined. I know this is pure speculation, but makes me wonder why she wasn't with OM on such an important game day. Or at very least, at a party?
Enough of my ramblings. Any insight from experience, or theories appreciated.
Me: BH (48)
Her: WW (44)
M: 22 years
DD: 7/28/11
Separated 11/18/11
Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2011 | wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675 | | Posted: 11:49 AM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Arais,
My WH said that he never - ever- talked about me to OW. Do you believe this?
Is it likely? No. Is it possible? Well, anything is possible.
I knew my AP for 20+ years. We were in an active PA for almost 3 years. The only thing I knew about his BW, is that he had one. I never once heard him say her name. He only ever referred to "my wife" on 2 very distinct occasions: when I asked how he came up with the kids' names (one was named after her relative), and when I called him out on a lie he told me (about a trip they took together, no kids). Other than that, he spoke of his life as if he were a single dad with kids.
I echo the others - what do you believe? and is it a dealbreaker?
[This message edited by wwnomore at 11:53 AM, January 18th (Wednesday)]
Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 12:31 PM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Arais -
My WH said that he never - ever- talked about me to OW. Do you believe this?
I believe that this is possible. As you read in these forums, you come to realize that some Waywards talked trash about their BSes, some Waywards praised their BSes (that's what I did), some told the OP everything about the BS's life, and some never talked about the BS to the OP. (And no matter which it is, it is an awful betrayal - talking trash, praising, sharing, it's all dirty and stupid.)
When you have just your one spouse, you have to look at his overall pattern. Does he talk about you in general to his coworkers? Etc. And keep in mind that just because you would have talked about your spouse if you were in an affair, that doesn't mean he is the same. (Of course, I am not implying in any way that you would ever be in an affair!) [This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 12:40 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)]
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5738 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 12:38 PM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
afallenangel -
Has your BS ever asked you if you miss your AP and were you honest with them in your answer?
No, my H basically sneered at me if I showed any signs of missing the OM and I respected him for that. I believe the BS should show as little weakness as possible and asking if the WS misses the OP is showing weakness.
I swore he would have felt safe enough to reply honestly and when I asked him if he ever missed her, he quickly replied NO, that he did not miss her at all.
Part of me feels that he lied
In general, what happens when he tells you a disappointing truth? Do you think "what? again?" or "how could you?" or "what were you thinking?" and it comes across in your lips tightening or something?
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5738 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | stillwaiting1963
♂ New Member
Member # 34039 | | Posted: 4:00 PM, January 19th (Thursday), 2012 | |
My apologies if this has already been asked.
What is the length of time you spent in the fog after D-Day, until you woke up and decided to come back to your BS?
Thanks!
Me: BH (48)
Her: WW (44)
M: 22 years
DD: 7/28/11
Separated 11/18/11
Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2011 | honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105 | | Posted: 4:17 PM, January 19th (Thursday), 2012 | |
If a WS is talking on the phone to the OW for a total of an hour or more every day, (several phone calls that add o does that mean they are deep in the A?
Posts: 1570 | Registered: Jan 2010 | honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105 | | Posted: 4:19 PM, January 19th (Thursday), 2012 | |
If a WS is talking on the phone to the OW several times a day that add up to an hour or more does that mean they are deep in the A? There are OC's involved, but I don't believe that all those phone calls are about the OC's. Thanks.
Posts: 1570 | Registered: Jan 2010 | stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971 | | Posted: 4:14 AM, January 20th (Friday), 2012 | |
honesttoafault:
That does sound fishy to me... how old is the OC? I mean, if the kid can't talk yet it wouldn't make sense to call several times a day to listen to him breathe and burp and sleep, kwim?
Can you "sit in" on the conversations? How does your WS act when he's on those calls? What is his reaction to you asking about it or asking to listen in on what's being said.
Me:FWS 33
Him:FBS 33
M:12yrs!
Dday: 2/23/09
Tt'd: 01/09/11
Fully R'd! 1/26/12
What if when we die the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just us being pushed out another vagina?
Posts: 1720 | Registered: Oct 2010 | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 7:27 AM, January 20th (Friday), 2012 | |
stillwaiting1963,
It took me over a year and a half to come out of the fog, and then another 6 months of false-R. My BW and I never separated though. I'm not sure what that would have done to us.
Regarding your first question above and the situation with your WW maybe changing her patterns...I don't think there is a much stronger influence in all of this than kids. A lot of times, the WS will blame the BS for how the kids treat/interact with the WS during separation and/or divorce. In your situation, it sounds like your sons hurt is affecting your WW fairly profoundly. Although, it could be that your WW is just doing what she needs to do to get your DS on-board with not thinking she is a horrible person who is tearing the family apart. Then, once your DS starts accepting her back into his life, she will feel that is enough and continue with the separation.
There really isn't any way for us to know what she will do. When you're dealing with crazy, anything can happen.
I personally think that your DS should stay the course. This is something he has to work out with his mom, and as long as you are there, and that he knows you love him and will support whatever decision he makes without letting loose your anger and hurt and pain in front of him, then maybe he will be able to work through things eventually. I have to believe that he has seen, or can sense your anger, hurt, and pain already.
Another option is that many WS figure they can be friends with their BS after separation or divorce. There is a difference between being friends and being amicable. It might be up to you right now to lay down some ground rules which 1) allow your WW to have time with the kids (if they want time with her) and 2) lets your WW know that you aren't buying any of her crap.
There are just too many possibilities. Also, some WS never come out of the fog.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5624 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667 | | Posted: 1:49 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012 | |
If a WS is talking on the phone to the OW several times a day that add up to an hour or more does that mean they are deep in the A? There are OC's involved, but I don't believe that all those phone calls are about the OC's. Thanks.
Of course there is something going on.... They are fanning the flame of a low burning affair each time they talk.
This is why No Contact is so critical EVEN when there is an OC......
YOU should be the only one making contact with the OW, and the scheduling arrangements for visitations, if they exist, should be online, using google or yahoo's shared calendars.
Allowing contact to exist is the equivalent to allowing an alcoholic to take a sip of a booze every day and then expecting them to maintain sobriety. Sooner or later, under these conditions, he will grab the bottle and take a drunk! [This message edited by Card at 1:54 PM, January 20th (Friday)]
WH (me)
BS (her)
Multiple D-Days (She threw me out) April - Oct. 2007
Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Posts: 409 | Registered: Apr 2009 | crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213 | | Posted: 8:38 AM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012 | |
After you decided to go NC with OW, did you look at fb page to see what she was doing...see her pic...how long?
Has anyone here found out she has moved into a new relationship and how did that make you feel? The OW in my case is in a relationship now according to her fb page and my H is acting kinda strange...just curious, how it makes WS feel when AP moves on....
Posts: 356 | Registered: Nov 2010 | Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667 | | Posted: 2:21 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012 | |
After you decided to go NC with OW, did you look at fb page to see what she was doing...see her pic...how long?
Hi Crossroad,
The foundation of N/C is just that.... NO CONTACT!
Even one sided contact is a violation of that boundary. Looking at or even having access to OW's facebook page would cause my wife to pack my shit and set it to the curb.... Because she knows that is contact.
The goal with N/C is to eliminate all the conditions that made the affair possible. If H has access to this info.... I'd quickly eliminate it and re-affirm some safe boundaries.
As to how it made your husband feel?? I have no clue. I'm more inclinded to ask, how do you feel knowing she moved on?
I would suggest you openly share how you feel with your husband and see if he will share as well.... Take away the guessing, OK.
WH (me)
BS (her)
Multiple D-Days (She threw me out) April - Oct. 2007
Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Posts: 409 | Registered: Apr 2009 | uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108 | | Posted: 2:51 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012 | |
YOU should be the only one making contact with the OW, and the scheduling arrangements for visitations, if they exist, should be online, using google or yahoo's shared calendars.
I don't think that's realistic at all. No matter how painful he is the father and parents need to communicate about their children. Especially if it's an issue they witnessed or were a part of.
There is no reason why this can't occur if he's on board with getting healthy and protecting your marriage. He obviously isn't.
When I talk to my ex it's brief and to the point. Never more than 10 min and that's unusual.
Over an hour a day is a problem. He should communicate with you present or via an email you are blind copied on. If he's not than you know there's a problem. He's not respecting you or your marriage.
Draw your boundary and hold fast to it. This is not acceptable and speaks of a much bigger problem.
He's still in the affair. 
Me: 37
Can I get a what what?
Posts: 6248 | Registered: Mar 2010 | uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108 | | Posted: 2:59 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012 | |
how it makes WS feel when AP moves on
Regardless of current feelings it may trigger a "rejection" response. That's not uncommon. Many experience that even if infidelity is not involved.
You dump someone because you don't want to be with them anymore but hearing they're engaged causes a reaction, sometimes. You even read about that in NB.
The question is are you sure he is aware of this? Is it possible that because you know you're gauging his actions through your information and he may just be having an off day/days...waywards have those too, even the ones getting healthy.
If he saw or heard about it how? Was he looking? If so, that's a problem as it's a sign he's still getting his "fix". If you read in wayward you can see some waywards struggle with this a bit and are still determined to work through and get healthy.
Problem is you're having to assume here as there isn't communiation. That's a huge tool and necessity for any kind of partnership to be successful.
Talk to him. Listen to him. Be clear what is and isn't working for you and how will address boundary violations.
Me: 37
Can I get a what what?
Posts: 6248 | Registered: Mar 2010 | crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213 | | Posted: 5:14 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012 | |
Thank Ya'll
uncertain...I think you may be right...
The question is are you sure he is aware of this? Is it possible that because you know you're gauging his actions through your information and he may just be having an off day/days...waywards have those too, even the ones getting healthy.
No...I don't actually have any reason to think he has looked on her fb page...I check it from time to time just to see where she is and look for anything suspicious, so I may be projecting my own fears here. I would not want to mention this to him b/c I don not want her in our lives or in his hea at any level.
Card...At first, I was so relieved, borderline ecstatic, then I guess the mild paranoia set in...I started asking myself things like is the relationship with my H again...she called fishing a little over a year ago...more than 9 m onths after NC really began and I guess I'll always wonder... our lack of ability to communicate as much as we should about the A IS making the process more difficult.
Posts: 356 | Registered: Nov 2010 | Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667 | | Posted: 9:45 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012 | |
YOU should be the only one making contact with the OW, and the scheduling arrangements for visitations, if they exist, should be online, using google or yahoo's shared calendars.
I don't think that's realistic at all. No matter how painful he is the father and parents need to communicate about their children. Especially if it's an issue they witnessed or were a part of.
Although uncertainone disagrees with me about this, I still believe No Contact is the ONLY safe way to handle situations where an OC is involved. In our electronic age it is very simple to set things up on schedulers.
I've seen it successfully acheived in these situations. The BS feels safe because the basic recovery tool of N/C is in place and the flame of the affair has no chance to re-ignite as a result.
I will always consider it insanity to allow affair partners to communicate regardless of circumstances.
If your H is defending his "right" to talk to his AP just because he has an OC.... He's still wayward!
WH (me)
BS (her)
Multiple D-Days (She threw me out) April - Oct. 2007
Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Posts: 409 | Registered: Apr 2009 | uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108 | | Posted: 1:14 AM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012 | |
In our electronic age it is very simple to set things up on schedulers.
Parenting is a lot more than coordinating schedulers.
If that kind of insulation is needed to insure the affair doesn't "ignite" again you're living on borrowed time.
Real change is internal and true boundaries are self imposed.
While Card and I disagree, bottom linevis this is all academic given the details in your post. He's doing far more than co-parenting and the time and frequency of their communications tells you what you need to know even if it's not what you want to know.
I'm so sorry. Please protect yourself.
Me: 37
Can I get a what what?
Posts: 6248 | Registered: Mar 2010 | confusedbeyond
♀ Member
Member # 33462 | | Posted: 7:14 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012 | |
Although my ws infidelity only went on for 4 or so months and ended in september when I ask some details about timeframes, info about confirming some things the OW is claiming my wh claims some details he does not remember. He says things all seemed to blend together and it's hard to really remember which things happened in what order. Is this possible? Or is this another tactic to not be fully forthcoming?
BS: Me 35
WS: him 37
3 children 5,3, 3 mons
D day 9/23/11
still getting trickling info but WS is acting remorseful. both in IC, MC
Posts: 115 | Registered: Sep 2011 | ImGonnaMakeIt
♀ Member
Member # 18277 | | Posted: 11:15 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012 | |
Would you have stopped cheating if you never got caught?
My WSO fessed up to only part of the A's. Since D-Day, I have discovered more information. If I go to him with what I know and ask for an answer, I will no longer have the ability to check up on him.
Basically, what I've said is "I know more than you think I do. All the bullshit you've been doing, it all has to end now."
Would that be sufficient without him admitting to the other stuff? I'd say I'm getting TT, but really he has stuck to his original story which in itself is a G-Rated version of the truth.
BSO - 33
Together 2 yrs.
D-Day 1/6/12
Attempting R while living apart.
I still love him but what I miss the most is the peace I felt loving him without the fear.
Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: AZ | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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