He's staying with a friend (who I trust to tell me if he's sneaking around). He says he loves me, and he wants to come home, but now isn't the time. He says its too hard for him to look at me and he doesn't know if HE can get over what he's done. He said he doesn't feel like he should come home until he knows he can commit 100% to being home.
We're in counseling. He typically calls and comes by frequently. Much more so than before he confessed and ended his affair.
I just don't know if I should be glad that he's showing that much insight and wants to do this "right", or if I should be pissed that he's still choosing to be gone.
So please, tell me what its like to be him. Is it really as hard as he makes it out to be, or is he blowing smoke and giving me excuses about why he doesn't want to come home?
fWH told OW that he was done with the A about a week before DDay. He says now (and said pretty much immediately upon my finding out) that he had started to see her for who she really was and that he realized he didn't love her, but he did still feel "attached" to her, that they could still be friends. However, he did not go NC upon that break up because he DID feel like they could still be friends, and he was worried about what she would do if he completely broke it off with her. On DDay, he sent an NC text, which I witnessed him type and send, and as far as I can tell, he has stuck to NC since that moment. He says he no longer feels any attachment to her, feels only disgust at himself for allowing himself to be with her, that he thinks she's a terrible human being, etc.
My question is, for someone who is exhibiting true remorse, and whose actions line up with his words in all other ways - is it possible that he truly doesn't miss her, only (not quite) 3 months later? I mean, if there was a moment in time that he thought he was in love with her and considered leaving me to be with her, no matter how foggy he was then and how "unfoggy" he seems now, how can he just not think of her anymore except with disgust?
He hasn't done anything since DDay to prompt this question, BTW - it's more a function of my paranoia and distrust stemming from learning the truth about the A.
is it possible that he truly doesn't miss her, only (not quite) 3 months later?
My AP is a very terrible person. And he will probably never change. What I did was terrible. The A forced me to really look inside myself and work on issues that I'd brushed aside for years. No, I don't miss him at all.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"You can do it!" - R. Schneider
DD#1 almost 2 yrs ago. He never confessed to anything but texting, I know better. Things still didn't feel right after he swore NC, she didn't mean anything to him and so on. I finally found concrete that they are still communicating daily. She sends xxx pix and so on. Is it at all likely that there is no PA. I cannot for the life of me figure out how he could time manage any hook ups, at the same time I can't see OW who is single, hanging on to whatever they have. He has no money to spend on her, they cant go anywhere. I mean what is it that is feeding this A, I just can't see where its worth it for her, she can see whoever she wants. Another question, why is he with me? What fuels these things cuz it just frankly doesn't seem worth it for either of them..but then again Ive never been in that situation. thank you!!
[This message edited by 2chance4us at 8:45 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]
I have known males who just get xxx pics and nothing else from women and laugh at the women who send them. They don't have PA's with them.
I tend to believe if someone really wants to be with someone else, they will go be with that person. So, he's with you because he wants to be. Specifically, why? You would have to ask him.
Is that real? Can one feel that special and deserving? Can one think that everybody around him has to serve his happiness?
And if you are sooo special, deserving, entitled, what makes you think that the other spouse doesn’t deserve love, respect, freedom to make informed choices?
Do you ever feel at loss? Do you ever feel that the person next to you is not less special than you and is entitled to happiness too?
I'm not sure what you are really looking for 2chance4us. Wayward minds are twisted labyrinths to understand even to the wayward. Your questions felt more rhetorical than anything else.
I'm sorry that you are hurting.
My FWH had a PA with a whore (2.5 months)
Like many of the WS on this forum he had the grand excuses/ reasons of [...]
this twisted wayward mind
Not only is he entitled, but he has the authority to lie to his spouse
he doesn’t want to give up what he already has. Woo!
And if you are sooo special,
Are you venting? Are these things that you want to say to your WH, but are afraid to? If so, just say them to him. Let it all out. He should know that you hurt.
We are not your WH. We do not necessarily feel "sooo special" or have "twisted" minds. What is your real question?
Are you venting?
I wonder the same thing.
Did I feel special and entitled? Nope. I was fucking enraged.
Did I feel he was "less special"? Yep. Still do.
Both those feelings can exist without the choice to cheat. Both those feelings were, in fact, valid responses to the environment of our relationship.
The choice to have an affair was a horrible option I made that heaped further pain on me.
You are in pain an hurting, understandably. I actually could have written your entire post about my ex prior to my knowledge of his affair with a close friend, of which I was unaware. Just in response to his treatment in other areas.
Here's the thing I discovered. Doesn't matter what thought processes he used/uses to justify what he did/does. It's time and energy wasted. I pick what I have in my life and what I reject. I reject treatment of me by myself or anyone else that demeans or disrespects my value and my worth. He does so he's gone. My choices did so I'm changing those.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
I see now that others went that path too, and that probably one doesn't think about their partner in order to escape/suppress the guilt.
Everyone is different. Even during the A, I thought my H was the best husband of all time. The OP could not hold a candle to him. That probably makes me worse than your WH.
My FWH had a PA with a whore (2.5 months) while working overseas.
Your post was understood as it was presented. And as pointed out by UnexpectedSong, and as alluded to by wincings_sparkle and uncertainone, we aren't your WH.
There very well could be an emotional attachment. Anything is possible. Maybe he just gets a kick out of the pics. Maybe it is another level of porn because he knows her. There was no PA in my situation. I still risked all to hold onto it. During that time, it definitely felt emotional, but this far out, it seems more reasonable to think of it as a drug. I kept going back.
How do you know he doesn't have time for a PA?
Are you going to D since you discovered him breaking NC?
I am a mad hatter, but I will reply to your question based on my experience as a WS.
Long story short...OM and I flirted, emailed, and talked on the phone for a few months, and I enjoyed his attention. However, I never wanted or intended for the relationship to progress to the physical level. He had other ideas and pressured me a lot to have sex with him. After a particularly ugly fight with my H, I agreed to meet OM at a hotel. Typing that sentence is so humbling and shameful.
Anyhow, after the fact, I resented him for pressuring me, and I was absolutely disgusted with myself. It took a couple weeks of increasingly assertive conversations, but I chose to end the A. OM and my H were friends (I introduced them before the A ever happened), so without telling my H, I couldn't get OM out of my life completely.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't tell my H about the A until 3 years later, after I learned about his own A.
I can say that after I decided to end my A, I did not miss the OM at all. He became an annoyance and an unwelcome reminder of my mistake. I officially went NC with him after my H's affair came to light and haven't had any contact since.
Do I ever wonder about what became of OM? Occasionally, like maybe once a month, and it's usually brought on my something random or something H says. Otherwise, he never enters my mind. If I found out tomorrow that he had died, I wouldn't be any more bothered than I would be if a stranger died. I have ZERO attachment to him and do NOT miss him at all.
If your H's actions are matching his words, I think you can safely put your paranoia to rest. Since he was the one to end it with OW, he started detaching from her before you ever found out.
Good luck to you.
ETA: I just remembered that exactly one year (to the date) after we had sex, OM called me and wished me a "happy sex-iversary." That was when I went from not liking him to straight-up despising him. His behavior and cockiness made it much easier for me to detach from him.
[This message edited by JandAandE at 8:31 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]
I'm a mad hatter, but I'll answer your question from my experiences as a WS.
In the course of my A, the OM was definitely the pursuer. We hadn't seen each other in years, and we reconnected so that we could meet each other's spouses and do things together as couples. The very first night we hung out with them, he made a pass at me. He followed it up with an email the next day, and things snowballed from there. Since we were "friends," we did things as a foursome (camping, bowling, dinners, etc.), so every aspect of both relationships was full of lies. Like your H's AP, my OM was jealous and became upset if it seemed that H and I were too happy.
The whole situation was out of control, and I had a hard time keeping all the lies straight. We all hung out together, and I hung out with both the OM and his GF separately (very cruel and manipulative, and I will own that 100%), and my H had frequent lunches with OM. One time my H went to an event with OM and his GF that I couldn't attend. It was all so twisted and messed up.
So, to answer your question, I think it's common for APs to be jealous and aggressive. It's hard to maintain an A if one thinks too much about the BS.