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Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
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eternalhope
♀ Member
Member # 34908 |  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012 |     |
My husband left our house on 2/5. I knew we'd been arguing a lot, but it really took me by surprise. On 2/21, he confessed he'd been having an affair and ended it. I started catching onto just as he confessed. All my snooping and checking seems to confirm he's ended things with her since then.
Yet he hasn't come home.
He's staying with a friend (who I trust to tell me if he's sneaking around). He says he loves me, and he wants to come home, but now isn't the time. He says its too hard for him to look at me and he doesn't know if HE can get over what he's done. He said he doesn't feel like he should come home until he knows he can commit 100% to being home.
We're in counseling. He typically calls and comes by frequently. Much more so than before he confessed and ended his affair.
I just don't know if I should be glad that he's showing that much insight and wants to do this "right", or if I should be pissed that he's still choosing to be gone.
So please, tell me what its like to be him. Is it really as hard as he makes it out to be, or is he blowing smoke and giving me excuses about why he doesn't want to come home?
I'm going through the Big D and don't mean Dallas
Posts: 62 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA | whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695 | | Posted: 3:23 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Question regarding WS's in early R (and a bit of a t/j from other posts):
fWH told OW that he was done with the A about a week before DDay. He says now (and said pretty much immediately upon my finding out) that he had started to see her for who she really was and that he realized he didn't love her, but he did still feel "attached" to her, that they could still be friends. However, he did not go NC upon that break up because he DID feel like they could still be friends, and he was worried about what she would do if he completely broke it off with her. On DDay, he sent an NC text, which I witnessed him type and send, and as far as I can tell, he has stuck to NC since that moment. He says he no longer feels any attachment to her, feels only disgust at himself for allowing himself to be with her, that he thinks she's a terrible human being, etc.
My question is, for someone who is exhibiting true remorse, and whose actions line up with his words in all other ways - is it possible that he truly doesn't miss her, only (not quite) 3 months later? I mean, if there was a moment in time that he thought he was in love with her and considered leaving me to be with her, no matter how foggy he was then and how "unfoggy" he seems now, how can he just not think of her anymore except with disgust?
He hasn't done anything since DDay to prompt this question, BTW - it's more a function of my paranoia and distrust stemming from learning the truth about the A.
Me - 38
Him - 37
Married 14 years
2 DS
Him - EA/PA for 6 mos with our neighbor "friends" (predatory couple)
D-Day 12/22/11
Posts: 761 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ | Aubrie84
♀ Member
Member # 33886 | | Posted: 3:57 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012 | |
is it possible that he truly doesn't miss her, only (not quite) 3 months later?
Yes, I believe so. For myself, I knew the AP was a messed up dude. He was abused as a child,( rugswept it) had a severe taboo porn addiction, and tons of other issues I was learning about the longer we talked. I knew he was screwed up. However, he was willing to give me the external validation that I thought I needed. So I basically boxed off the creepy side of him and took the part that agreed to me more. As the relationship progressed and he continued in creepiness, I bailed and confessed to Mr. Aubrie. For about a month after Dday I "missed" AP, or rather, the ego stroke, but not really HIM as a person. I was glad to be rid of him. It was a relief to know that he was out of my life.
My AP is a very terrible person. And he will probably never change. What I did was terrible. The A forced me to really look inside myself and work on issues that I'd brushed aside for years. No, I don't miss him at all.
FWW-28
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway."
"Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself."
Posts: 3855 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Nashville | Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827 | | Posted: 12:23 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Would appreciate any WS POV
DD#1 almost 2 yrs ago. He never confessed to anything but texting, I know better. Things still didn't feel right after he swore NC, she didn't mean anything to him and so on. I finally found concrete that they are still communicating daily. She sends xxx pix and so on. Is it at all likely that there is no PA. I cannot for the life of me figure out how he could time manage any hook ups, at the same time I can't see OW who is single, hanging on to whatever they have. He has no money to spend on her, they cant go anywhere. I mean what is it that is feeding this A, I just can't see where its worth it for her, she can see whoever she wants. Another question, why is he with me? What fuels these things cuz it just frankly doesn't seem worth it for either of them..but then again Ive never been in that situation. thank you!!
2DS 2DD..my reason for living
DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12
thought I was in R.
OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape.
Posts: 2126 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770 | | Posted: 8:04 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Thank you to everyone for your caring and insight.
Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!
Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2012 | 2chance4us
♀ New Member
Member # 34688 | | Posted: 11:12 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
[This message edited by 2chance4us at 8:45 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]
Posts: 29 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada | wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129 | | Posted: 1:19 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Ostrich80: Not a guy, so I don't know. The answers to all of your questions would really have to come from your WS. That said:
I have known males who just get xxx pics and nothing else from women and laugh at the women who send them. They don't have PA's with them.
I tend to believe if someone really wants to be with someone else, they will go be with that person. So, he's with you because he wants to be. Specifically, why? You would have to ask him. 
2chance4us:
Is that real? Can one feel that special and deserving? Can one think that everybody around him has to serve his happiness? Yes. If that is the bullshit that he is feeding himself. Entitlement. It's tasty.
And if you are sooo special, deserving, entitled, what makes you think that the other spouse doesn’t deserve love, respect, freedom to make informed choices? Honestly, in that frame of selfish mindset, I wasn't thinking of my spouse at all. Really. I'm sorry. Back in the day, there wasn't room in my wee Wayward brain for others.Do you ever feel at loss? Do you ever feel that the person next to you is not less special than you and is entitled to happiness too? Right after D-day, I was constantly lost. I felt that my BH should run for the hills. But I don't think that is what you mean.
I'm not sure what you are really looking for 2chance4us. Wayward minds are twisted labyrinths to understand even to the wayward. Your questions felt more rhetorical than anything else.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. 
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light
Posts: 1561 | Registered: Jan 2010 | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 3:11 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
2chance4us -
My FWH had a PA with a whore (2.5 months)
Like many of the WS on this forum he had the grand excuses/ reasons of [...]
this twisted wayward mind
Not only is he entitled, but he has the authority to lie to his spouse
he doesn’t want to give up what he already has. Woo!
And if you are sooo special,
Are you venting? Are these things that you want to say to your WH, but are afraid to? If so, just say them to him. Let it all out. He should know that you hurt.
We are not your WH. We do not necessarily feel "sooo special" or have "twisted" minds. What is your real question?
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5693 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628 | | Posted: 3:50 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Are there any WS that cheated twice? I mean cheated once and got caught and swore not to do it again and did it? Were you genuinely remorseful the first time? Why would you do it again if you knew the devastation it caused the first time around?
Posts: 285 | Registered: Oct 2011 | uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108 | | Posted: 4:00 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Are you venting?
I wonder the same thing.
Did I feel special and entitled? Nope. I was fucking enraged.
Did I feel he was "less special"? Yep. Still do.
Both those feelings can exist without the choice to cheat. Both those feelings were, in fact, valid responses to the environment of our relationship.
The choice to have an affair was a horrible option I made that heaped further pain on me.
You are in pain an hurting, understandably. I actually could have written your entire post about my ex prior to my knowledge of his affair with a close friend, of which I was unaware. Just in response to his treatment in other areas.
Here's the thing I discovered. Doesn't matter what thought processes he used/uses to justify what he did/does. It's time and energy wasted. I pick what I have in my life and what I reject. I reject treatment of me by myself or anyone else that demeans or disrespects my value and my worth. He does so he's gone. My choices did so I'm changing those.
Me: 37
Can I get a what what?
Posts: 6205 | Registered: Mar 2010 | 2chance4us
♀ New Member
Member # 34688 | | Posted: 4:03 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I see my post was not understood correctly. I was referring to the thinking during the time of the A. I was trying to see if others felt so selfcentered that they really did not pose to think about their spouses, how they might be feeling during this time etc.
Wincing_Sparkle: Thank you! That is what I was asking, because this is also what I heard from FWH. "In my mind this had nothing to do with you. I had a problem and was looking for a quick solution. At this time I was not thinking about you." (the A happend while working away from home).
It sounded strange to me, but now I see others had that experience too.
UnexpectedSong: I am not venting. Sorry you got it this way. Maybe a little sarcastic, but didn't want to offend anybody. My appoligies.
I am not afraid to ask any question. I did ask FWH and I got an answer. It just seems strange to me that during this 2 months he did not find the time to think that maybe I am also as lonely as he is, that probably I am not the happiest person in the world playing the role of single working mom of 2?
I see now that others went that path too, and that probably one doesn't think about their partner in order to escape/suppress the guilt.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada | UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761 | | Posted: 4:27 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
2chance -
I see now that others went that path too, and that probably one doesn't think about their partner in order to escape/suppress the guilt.
Everyone is different. Even during the A, I thought my H was the best husband of all time. The OP could not hold a candle to him. That probably makes me worse than your WH.
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 5693 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California | Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827 | | Posted: 6:15 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
So basically this could just be a sexting R? I guess its just hard for me to understand why WS would take a chance on me finding out. I told him after DD1 NC at all or I would file for D. He swore on our kids life it was over, I just don't see why he would risk everything for some pix of OW. In my mind, I feel that there would have to be some emotional attachment as well, maybe Im wrong. thanks for post
2DS 2DD..my reason for living
DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12
thought I was in R.
OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape.
Posts: 2126 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | rayofhope
♀ Member
Member # 34882 | | Posted: 7:19 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I have a question that I have wondered about and this may be the right place to ask it. In the case of my fWH's A, the OW was more of the aggressor and pursued the relationship. FWH participated fully, but I was surprised initially to find how agressive she was in her pursuit of my H. I guess I figured since she was 28 years younger she was more of the innocent one. What a joke that was. After the A had gone on a few months she started to act like he was cheating on her when H was with me. She told him not to go places with me, travel with me or even sleep with me. If he mentioned my name she became furious. (I knew her very well, I befriended her because I felt sorry for her). FWH says it was as if she wanted to pretend I didn't exist. H started lying to her about being with me and was lying to me about being with her. My question, is her behavior common? Also, have any other WS been in this situation of lying to both parties? At this point did your life feel totally out of control?
Sometimes wonderful presents come wrapped in very ugly packages.
Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2012 | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 8:05 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
2chance4us,
My FWH had a PA with a whore (2.5 months) while working overseas. Not the best lead-off when it comes to asking WS for their response. The rest of your first post sure does sound like you want to vent, even though it gives us an idea of your situation. This isn't the place for it. If you want to vent or call the OW names, go to General and keep it specific to your own WH or the OW in your situation.
Your post was understood as it was presented. And as pointed out by UnexpectedSong, and as alluded to by wincings_sparkle and uncertainone, we aren't your WH.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5469 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 8:14 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Ostrich,
There very well could be an emotional attachment. Anything is possible. Maybe he just gets a kick out of the pics. Maybe it is another level of porn because he knows her. There was no PA in my situation. I still risked all to hold onto it. During that time, it definitely felt emotional, but this far out, it seems more reasonable to think of it as a drug. I kept going back.
How do you know he doesn't have time for a PA?
Are you going to D since you discovered him breaking NC?
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5469 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | JandAandE
♀ Member
Member # 34988 | | Posted: 8:25 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
whatjusthappened,
I am a mad hatter, but I will reply to your question based on my experience as a WS.
Long story short...OM and I flirted, emailed, and talked on the phone for a few months, and I enjoyed his attention. However, I never wanted or intended for the relationship to progress to the physical level. He had other ideas and pressured me a lot to have sex with him. After a particularly ugly fight with my H, I agreed to meet OM at a hotel. Typing that sentence is so humbling and shameful.
Anyhow, after the fact, I resented him for pressuring me, and I was absolutely disgusted with myself. It took a couple weeks of increasingly assertive conversations, but I chose to end the A. OM and my H were friends (I introduced them before the A ever happened), so without telling my H, I couldn't get OM out of my life completely.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't tell my H about the A until 3 years later, after I learned about his own A.
I can say that after I decided to end my A, I did not miss the OM at all. He became an annoyance and an unwelcome reminder of my mistake. I officially went NC with him after my H's affair came to light and haven't had any contact since.
Do I ever wonder about what became of OM? Occasionally, like maybe once a month, and it's usually brought on my something random or something H says. Otherwise, he never enters my mind. If I found out tomorrow that he had died, I wouldn't be any more bothered than I would be if a stranger died. I have ZERO attachment to him and do NOT miss him at all.
If your H's actions are matching his words, I think you can safely put your paranoia to rest. Since he was the one to end it with OW, he started detaching from her before you ever found out.
Good luck to you.
ETA: I just remembered that exactly one year (to the date) after we had sex, OM called me and wished me a "happy sex-iversary." That was when I went from not liking him to straight-up despising him. His behavior and cockiness made it much easier for me to detach from him. [This message edited by JandAandE at 8:31 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]
Me: Madhatter
Him: Madhatter
My affair: 2007 for 3 months; confessed in 2010
His affairs: 2009 (ONS) and 2010 (3 months); I caught him.
Us: Married since '05; 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 18 months & another on the way.
Posts: 634 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest | 2chance4us
♀ New Member
Member # 34688 | | Posted: 8:42 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Thank you UnexpectedSong. I was not looking here to compare who is better, who is worst. I am in no position to do that and it is none of my business.
BFF, sorry my post was understood this way. I am not calling the OW names, I believe this is the proper name when a woman accepts money for providing sexual services. I did not want to compare any of you with my H. Actually just hours ago I read some of your previous posts and your very good explanation on the detachment, which I think is very close to what my husband was trying to tell me.
Once again my apologies to everyone that felt offended by my post. I will edit it so other people don't get upset with me.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada | JandAandE
♀ Member
Member # 34988 | | Posted: 9:06 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Rayofhope,
I'm a mad hatter, but I'll answer your question from my experiences as a WS.
In the course of my A, the OM was definitely the pursuer. We hadn't seen each other in years, and we reconnected so that we could meet each other's spouses and do things together as couples. The very first night we hung out with them, he made a pass at me. He followed it up with an email the next day, and things snowballed from there. Since we were "friends," we did things as a foursome (camping, bowling, dinners, etc.), so every aspect of both relationships was full of lies. Like your H's AP, my OM was jealous and became upset if it seemed that H and I were too happy.
The whole situation was out of control, and I had a hard time keeping all the lies straight. We all hung out together, and I hung out with both the OM and his GF separately (very cruel and manipulative, and I will own that 100%), and my H had frequent lunches with OM. One time my H went to an event with OM and his GF that I couldn't attend. It was all so twisted and messed up.
So, to answer your question, I think it's common for APs to be jealous and aggressive. It's hard to maintain an A if one thinks too much about the BS.
Me: Madhatter
Him: Madhatter
My affair: 2007 for 3 months; confessed in 2010
His affairs: 2009 (ONS) and 2010 (3 months); I caught him.
Us: Married since '05; 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 18 months & another on the way.
Posts: 634 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest | Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827 | | Posted: 12:19 AM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Baxter: He prob could make time, he did last time. Just dont want to believe it I guess. He picked a hell of a time or I did to find out. Im putting out fires all over the place and this is one I could have done without. Im almost sorry I looked, now I know I have to do something about it. Ive been sitting on this for a month. Just dont have the energy to deal I guess. As far as D, God I dont want to but I cant stay with someone who wants a R with 2 women.
2DS 2DD..my reason for living
DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12
thought I was in R.
OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape.
Posts: 2126 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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