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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I've seen on SI, sticking to a dealbreaker is just about the hardest thing to do for a BS. Part of that is that it can be very easy for a WS to give the appearance of being in R. Just throwing out little crumbs of R to the BS makes such a huge impact after having been put through hell. It's like night and day. So when False-R is revealed, or when TT comes along, it just brings everything back. All the hurt is right there.

There are a number of stories of BS's biding their time, getting ready for D. Sort of a "decide now to do it in one year" approach. Then spend that one year doing a 180 to better prepare themselves.

Things can change, but if you are 180 mode, those changes may not matter.Or they might. At least you will be taking care of yourself and his actions, good or bad, will hopefully not cause you as much pain down the road.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Almost12Years
♀ Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would love some feedback from WS's...

Couple of questions:

1 month ago, WS admitted to the A, and has since switched jobs away from OW, gone NC and has agreed to be transparent. So all of the "logistical" stuff is in place. What I'm wondering though is how long I can expect for true remorse to start? Since finding out about the A, I have done the majority of the "heavy lifting" thus far - mostly out of desperation to save our marriage, but also in part because I know I was largely to blame for where our marriage was when the A happened. But I've now implemented the 180 and am waiting to see what happens from here. But how long do I give it? I can't imagine spending months in limbo waiting for him to figure things out...that's just not going to happen.

One other thing that has me very concerned is that things never got bad with the MOW - they became emotionally attached before it turned physical (2x), and supposedly stopped because they mutually agreed it wasn't the right thing to do. My fear is that because WS never got "burned" by MOW that he will forever idolize her and think that she can do no wrong, only because she never had a chance to. I question if he will always pine for her and/or compare us (consciously or not). Is it possible for him to see her in a true light if things never got bad before they ended? Or will he forever idolize their relationship and her??

Thanks for your help...


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost,

Those logistical items are a great start. Why is your WH not doing any of the heavy lifting? What does he say to you? Why did you feel the need to go 180?

My BW did the heavy lifting for a couple years. Read my post at the top of the page...I wrote that because I did it. After a couple years of heavy lifting, my BW decided to take care of herself (read her recent posts in Recon). I pulled my head out of my ass and here we are. Doesn't always work that way though. There are a lot of stories of the 180 going the other way.

So, why is your WH not doing the heavy lifting yet?

Things never "got bad" between me and MOW. She ended it, yes, threw me under the bus, but the A wasn't outed, it wasn't messy for anyone except me. It has taken a long time to see MOW in a different light. It has taken a long time to separate the EA from the MOW. They are two different things.

It basically comes down to how long you are willing to wait for your WH to start doing some work. The logistical stuff you mentioned is the low-hanging fruit. It's really pretty easy to do.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Almost12Years
♀ Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF - thanks so much for your input.

Those logistical items are a great start. Why is your WH not doing any of the heavy lifting? What does he say to you? Why did you feel the need to go 180?

I believe he's not doing the heavy lifting because he's not sure what he wants - he wants to make sure we're on the same page about our future before we go any further. I agree that we need to make sure we want the same things before we even talk about R, but I have made my intentions clear.

I felt the need to go 180 because for the last couple months, I have been the one who was desperately trying to salvage our marriage - not him. He claims to still be in the fog which may very well be the case, but I'm not going to sit and let my life pass me by while I wait for him to figure it out.

My BW did the heavy lifting for a couple years. Read my post at the top of the page...I wrote that because I did it. After a couple years of heavy lifting, my BW decided to take care of herself (read her recent posts in Recon). I pulled my head out of my ass and here we are. Doesn't always work that way though. There are a lot of stories of the 180 going the other way.

I guess that's just a risk I have to take then. I'm giving myself some time to think/process everything, but the reality is is that there are many other things in our lives that are at a crossroads and will need decisions to be made about them soon..I can't imagine putting everything else on hold in hopes that he figures things out. It's not fair to me. Or our kids.

Things never "got bad" between me and MOW. She ended it, yes, threw me under the bus, but the A wasn't outed, it wasn't messy for anyone except me. It has taken a long time to see MOW in a different light. It has taken a long time to separate the EA from the MOW. They are two different things.

It basically comes down to how long you are willing to wait for your WH to start doing some work. The logistical stuff you mentioned is the low-hanging fruit. It's really pretty easy to do.

I know..that's the easy part. I guess time will tell. I'm not a passive (or patient) person, so I don't see me hanging out in limbo for long. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2012
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was posting in the R forum a few minutes ago, just ramblings really, and towards the end it rambled into to a thank you to all WS's who have helped you BS though R or even just through tough periods. You all lost your way, but facing that and even turning it into a positive for your relationship and yourself it what being human is all about. Thank you.

I do have a question. My WW does not discuss her emotions well. She is very conversational and fun to be with, but does not give of herself readily. Pre-A I was ok with this. Post-A not so much. I want her so badly to write me the letters, leave me the love notes, put thought and effort into me and our times together to make me feel special. I have asked for this and not really received any of it. It is not mandatory for R, however I feel myself pulling back because that stuff seems like the "do anything it takes to help me heal" stuff. I think the thought and effort that surround these things would help me trust her. It would help me believe that it is not just all bullshit again. Any words of wisdom on how to encourage her to do it?



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any words of wisdom on how to encourage her to do it?

Has to come from her, not you. If you like, read up on some Dr Harley stuff on marriage builders. Though, I would caution you that you don't get your hopes up. If you've said it and she's not responding, that's a sign of a WS not willing to work hard at R.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I have a question for the WS,
My wh had an affair for 2.5 years in my face. However, he stats it is over and he is doing nothing wrong but he will still not give up any information that I don't know about, he will not do as I asked because he no longer is in love with me and thinks we are better off not together, When I try to talk to him he shuts me down, is he having a withdrawl and hates me for it? He has said it is easier to start over because of the shame he feels, I don't I wonder what the hell is going on. In the affair he was always telling me he loved me and something is wrong with him and he knew it was wrong, but now that it is supposedly over he doesn't love me and wants us to end even though he beg me to wait for him to get through it. I am about to leave his ass and I think that is what he is pushing for. By the way he is a cake eater... he is also NPD I believe. If you have read any of my threads you would see this.
I guess what I am asking do some wh go to this point now with the withdrawl, or is it maybe that this was his exit affair?
I waited and I feel burned, I was willing to forgive, work through it because I love him very much. But he wont do it. And even though I know we are done I still am wondering about this fog, behavior towards me, and throwin in the towel.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried the 180? Have you tried the plan A/Plan B?

Don't give any importance to foggy words (which is what it seems to me). Fact is, he's still there, ergo, he didn't leave for whatever reason. Protect yourself and your children. He sounds like someone who is not yet owning his shit, and it's usually hard to make someone do that. Don't blame yourself for it, he's probably still in withdrawal or the A has gone underground.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I do the 180 then I get the nasty person stating I am a bitch because I am not attentive to him. I am just wanting to know is this normal for withdrawl or did he take the affair underground which he would not do because he always flaunted it in my face. So I think he would do that again, he had no shame in what he was doing I don't think he felt entitled to do whatever.
I know we are done but I am just wondering. How does a wh just cut off after they are the ones being the cake eater begging the BS not to leave them and that it will end soon enough
I am trying to understand this for my own sake. Not his.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNotToBlame1241
♂ Member
Member # 35112
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I'm only 4 months out and just fell completely off the roller coaster due to some major rugsweeping on my part to try and hurry R. Dumb, I know.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could please answer a question for me? Is there, or should there be, a limit in asking WW for what I need to heal? I understand all the obvious limits like remaining respectful, not berating and/or badgering etc... But other than the obvious, are any other limits?

I'm asking this because I feel that WW becomes complacent at times, taking days off and leaving me to fend for myself on this.

Thanks in advance for any help on this.


FYI I'm not a New Member. Just an Old Member who's New.
The worst feeling in the world is to know that you have been lied to and used, over and over again

Posts: 51 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Somewhere way south of Betrayedville
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm asking this because I feel that WW becomes complacent at times, taking days off and leaving me to fend for myself on this.

Wow, that's like you were talking about my spouse's behaviour for most of the first year when I kept trying ALL THE TIME. Now I'm pretty much matching her in not giving a f@$k about the M. I do still care for the kids and myself and for having to put up as a co-parent at the least.

I'd advise you to read up on emotionally unavailable/emotionally avoidant spouses. There's a whole thread for them in ICR. If you're able to identify your spouse as one (which I am certain about for mine) then I feel so very very sorry for you. You'll be beating your head against a brick wall for a very long time in trying to make her care. As someone on SI mentioned, all the power in a relationship rests with the one who cares the least. Which is a sick sick dynamic to work under, specially after an affair.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNotToBlame1241:

I don't know about emotionally unavailable. More likely scared. I did the same thing. I didn't want to "make waves" and ruin my H's day. All excuses but not because I was "emotionally unavailable" just scared. Most of us WS are non confrontational/passive aggressive (sorry about the labels) so for some of us bringing up the A is like being terrified of heights and offering to jump out of an airplane multiple times.


Would you be opposed to your W posting on SI so she can ask questions and receive advice?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Baxter. I really appreciate your responses. It helps to get perspective from an diff angle. You are always helpful in that dept.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 4001 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
livetotell
♀ Member
Member # 26527
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi friends,
Well, my second one year antiversary (that sounded weird) is coming up - the first antiversary of the DDay of affair #2 (made more sense there). Anyway, things are going pretty well in our R but I definitely have my moments (or days or weeks) of difficulty. fWH has been remorseful and doing lots of great hard work to make changes.

My question is this. For a remorseful fWH who is "all in" to the R of the marriage, does the DDay antiversary affect you? Do you even know the exact DDay? And if so, is it something you acknowledge in some way or follow your BSs lead on that? I know everyone's situation is different but I am just curious to get some of your takes on this. I so appreciate the advice and support y'all have to give!


Me: BW - 36 Him: WH - 35
D-Day 1: 11/17/09
D-Day 2: 3/31/11
I'm not taking grenades for you anymore baby.
We are in R.
"Today I will live in the moment....unless the moment is unpleasant in which case I will eat a cookie"

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2009
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 4:32 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape...

I realize that you're both BS/WS, but when you're on this thread you must answer from a WS perspective.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

livetotell:

Speaking soley for myself, the first two d-day antis (1st yr and 2nd yr) I was aware of the date and very nervous on what to do/say, I even posted about it when it was approaching last year. I followed the advice which was given here and aside from the TT that occured around the same time, it went over easier than I'd expected.

I let my H know I was aware of the D-Day approaching, asked if he wanted to talk and assured him I was there to talk. I also tried to be more "attentive" in the bedroom as well as around the house. H chose to not address it because it would be giving it attention he felt it wasn't in need of. We got thru it. This year the d-day went off pretty much unnoticed. Maybe because my H chose to forgive me about a month prior but giving less attention is giving less power to the day. Not saying completely rugsweep what happened, but I think you get what I'm saying.

t/j for a sec:
BTW, and I'm sure you've heard this a billion times, I always think of Madonna's song, "Live to Tell" whenever I see your username. Or is that song your name sake?
ok end/tj

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 7:19 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hope someone can provide some insight around my situation....my husband confessed to an affair 6 months ago with his czech yoga instructor/former stripper. the affair happend during my pregnancy and last for about 6 months. when he confessed to the affair, it had already ended a year prior. why the hell did he tell me? it ruined my life...our life...our marriage. he is remoreseful and doing everything he can to repair the marriage...but it still hurts deeply.

also, i learned that he didnt tell her that he was married. he told her that he lived in the garage and had a girlfriend that lived in the house. when he wanted to break it off, he sent her a text saying that he "got married." of course i do know that even after that text, they continued the affair for a few more months, until it finally ended after i gave birth. my husband says that he went into the affair knowing that it would end...after he "got his wife back." keep in mind, i was pregnant, and on partial bedrest, and could not have sex as much....so that gives him an excuse to screw around???? what an asshole! both of them. he is in ic....and yeah...so, so sorry for everything that he has done. i have so much anger about this affair. i spoke with the ow and she confirmed the details of the affair as well. when i called her...she said..."this was over almost 2 years ago! i didnt know he was married until he sent me the text. i dont care about your stupid marriage!" unbelieveable.

how could anyone be so selfish and cruel??


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to all waywards....thank you for taking the time to provide answers and insight. i hope someone answers this...i am having a very difficult time forgiving my husband for his affair. he is doing everything he can...very remorseful, transparent, we are both in ic, and he is committed to making our marriage work. but it seems that no matter what he does, i am still angry and upset with him. i fear that he will eventually "give up" because he feels that nothing is working. it has been six months since he confessed to an affair that ended almost 2 years ago. i guess my question is did you ever want to just give up because it was too hard...because you felt your bs would never forgive you? and if so...what kept you in the marriage? did you feel as if you were being given a life sentence? how much can a wayward take? or is suppose to take?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sri624

did you ever want to just give up because it was too hard...because you felt your bs would never forgive you? and if so...what kept you in the marriage?

No I did not want to give up because I knew what I wanted, my marriage.

did you feel as if you were being given a life sentence?

Sometimes I did feel this way, but it has gotten better and I no longer feel the same way.

You have to remember this is old news to the WS and new news to the BS. So it seems a lot longer to us that we have been going through it.

how much can a wayward take? or is suppose to take?

I guess it would depend on the person and how much they wanted the marriage. I know I really wanted my marriage and put up with a lot more than others would. I don't know how much someone is suppose to take it, but we went through it for about two and a half years.

Remember they also say it takes two to five years to heal from this. Some don't take as long and some take longer.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
livetotell
♀ Member
Member # 26527
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the response SLH. My fWH has been doing lots of hard work on himself and I can see the changes - and he is very introspective. I know he knows the timeframe, I think we may both be nervous about it - just wanted some perspective from those of you who have been through it - when we hit the first antiversary of the first D-Day, he was not the man he is today (obviously since he went onto A #2 right around that time) so I anticipate that this will not be as painful. But it's my second go round for that not so fun date - so I just don't know.

Anyway, I really appreciate the perspective. fWH is getting his second tattoo tomorrow night - to represent his journey this past year and his commitment to healing, and to me (it's going to be an infinity symbol) so he is obviously aware. And I think it will be really meaningful - I am going with him (even though needles terrify me) so it will be a big deal!

As for the t/j - believe it or not, you are the first person to ask me that! And yes, it is for the Madonna song - she is my favorite and when I joined up here, music was my savior and the title just popped into my head - I'll survive infidelity and "live to tell" about it - it seemed perfect for me and it still fits!


Me: BW - 36 Him: WH - 35
D-Day 1: 11/17/09
D-Day 2: 3/31/11
I'm not taking grenades for you anymore baby.
We are in R.
"Today I will live in the moment....unless the moment is unpleasant in which case I will eat a cookie"

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2009
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