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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sara8...

The purpose of this thread is for BS's to ask questions to the WS's, not for BS's to carry on conversations with eachother.

If that is what you're needing, please do so on General.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
Sara8
♀ Member
Member # 33644
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeply scared:

Thank you for the head's up.

I did not realize that conversations could not take place when the questions were answered.

I will find another forum to do that.

I have deleted my questions to helpmetogetover it and well as Mrs. consistency.

[This message edited by Sara8 at 8:42 AM, October 27th (Thursday)]


Sara8

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sara...I read your response before you deleted...I am going to send you a PM :-).


Me: WW
Him: BH
Intuition is not a gift, but a skill based in self esteem.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Nov 2010
given2fly07
♀ Member
Member # 33475
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If any WS out there can help...

Did you ever get frustrated at the beginning of R when your SO was paranoid and took their frustration and anger out on you?

Did you ever wonder why didnt they just believe that you had changed and give you chance?


Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?


Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2011
GroundZero
♀ Member
Member # 27853
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EveryTwo, you said:

What I want him to do: Read more. Do more introspection. Join SI. Figure out WHY he did this (he still claims it was because she was giving him attention). While that may be true...is that really a reason? You can still chose that that point, you can still say no, right?

Maybe the initial WHY was that he was getting attention from her. But you're right, he needs to dig deeper. IMHO, the next question is "So what?" Why does it matter that she paid attention to him? Why did he feel he needed the attention? What is it about him that craves attention so much that he'd risk his family for it?

I don't say this tongue in cheek. Validation is a powerful motivator. But I think identifying the need for validation as at least a partial "WHY?" for the affair is just the tip of the iceberg. Next is where does this need for validation come from for him? What void does it fill for him? How can he heal that void rather than trying to fill it up destructively?

Also important - so important - boundaries!! Especially with someone for whom the why of the affair had anything to do with validation. It's a lot harder to keep a plane from crashing when it is moments from impact than it is by making slight course corrections up above the clouds. Awareness and boundaries go a long way toward protecting the marriage by making sure he isn't at that bar alone, four drinks in or hasn't been chatting with his "friend" several times a day for a month about their respective marital difficulties. I don't know what the specifics of your situation are, but you get my drift. Very few affairs really are borne of a single terrible choice. No, it is a series of seemingly minor poor choices (it's not so bad if I meet her for a drink after work/respond to her late night text/share with her my concerns about my marriage etc.) culminating in a shit-storm of highest-order destruction. Boundaries protect the marriage by keeping vulnerable people (as well as the even more dangerous people-who-think-they-aren't-vulnerable) far from even the top of the slippery slope leading to an affair.


Out of clutter, find simplicity; out of discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Einstein

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Land of the Sweet Lovely Kiddos
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any WS I need ur advice to try & help me understand this latest event. Yesterday my WS& I went to our couples session. We have been separated going on 6 mths. & since then he has gone to counseling @ first with minimal effort bc he said he was undecided on if he wanted the relationship. So until yesterday the therapists had been doing weekly individual sessions to have him find an answer since I placed a deadline for yesterday to have one so we can move forward either direction. I need to mention I had him leave bc I had a 3rd Dday, & felt until the affair was over he had to go & was now saying he didn't know what he wanted, as he left he just stated it was over & she contacted him to let him know OWH got an anonymous letter of the affair& asked if it was him. I found she quit her job 2 wks later where my fiance & she worked & remains with her husband & kids.In these 6months he went to counseling, gave me $ for our finances& our kids,(not his biologically),but never communicated with me unless I called him for finances or other things. So I decided to do a dark 180 since a little ovr a month ago until yesterday. We get there & he says he is sorry for his decision to cheat & he deserved how I yelled @ him when I was hurt even when waking him up @3am. & I'm not to blame it was his fault. I was happy bc I got my apology& accountability from him. Great right? No. Then he continues to say I have developed a habit the last few months & I told the therapist in my individual session, but it isn't related to the affair or cheating,but bc I have an addictive personality, I need to fix it & until I'm ready to tell u bc it may hurt u, I still don't know what to do. He says, I'm not trying to buy time I just need to work on this so I can make a decision. The therapist said I know what it is & its not something he can't fix, but its up to him to tell u & start on a clean slate to b with u. So what do u know, after 2months of individual counseling he all of a sudden confesses a habit & needs more time. So she said until u r willing to commit to her & put an effort to R, I don't c anything else that can indicate u should continue couples therapy, but u can continue individual therapy. So when leaving I asked him so what is ur decision, he said I lov u but I don't know right now, & I said why dis u cone to counseling? He says bc I wanted to fight for us, & I said u gave minimal effort & no communication only $. Issue until u can commit & willing to really fight for us, I can no longer wait for u to make a decision. Sorry its so long but what is ur opinion of this. I'm soo confused! I think he maybe still waiting for the ow to leave her hubby. Without any communication w/me why is he holding on? I also had asked him to pick up his things 2x before to get his things out of our home & he never came. I txted him yesterday to tell him he needs to pick it up sat. & he can speak to the kids to reassure them they r not responsible for our family split. He just abandoned them emotionally & eventually never came to c us. Like I said only came to bring $ & leave right away to avoid talking..please help me with some advice..I'm soo hurt I needed to walk away from our 8 yr. Relationship but this fencesitting made me hot my limits

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also I forgot to mention, Im not sure if HE is in the A or with someone else or what but we had a false R for 7 mths when I had our 3rd Dday, but I read If they r fencesitting its best to let them go & push them off & it will force them to decide or HW may never come back, & the 180 will have helped me move on. He told the counselor he has noticed I'm changing bc I don't ask him for $ anymore or dont talk to him(Chase him),& if I left him He doesn't know what he would think or do bc he never really thought about that..

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

given -

Did you ever get frustrated at the beginning of R when your SO was paranoid and took their frustration and anger out on you?

No. I was surprised that my H was not more paranoid. He insisted that I keep working in my theatre, which entailed 3+ hours of rehearsal every night.

Did you ever wonder why didnt they just believe that you had changed and give you chance?

He had no reason to think that I had changed. To this day, I don't know why he believed in me.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

starlightsky -

I can no longer wait for u to make a decision

Do you really mean that? Do not issue ultimatums that you will not back up.

Without any communication w/me why is he holding on?

It does not matter why. Are you looking for someone to tell you that he still loves you?

You need to make the decision. Tell him this is his one chance at R, tell him the behavior you expect from him, tell him he needs to man up. Do not let him jerk you around like this.

But again, do not issue ultimatums unless you will follow up on them.

If you do not take a stand, he will keep playing this game for as long as you allow.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can any FWS speak about the distancing of the WS from the family, especially from the adult kids. I can't help but think Shame is a direct correlation with this distancing. Please share your hindsight thoughts if you could. What does a WS tell themselves to isolate themselves from their own kids while they invest in AP and his/her kids???

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected, ur reply is greatly appreciated. I do nor intend on folding bc since I found out he has noticed my changes that I finally stuck to, its all I have to show the seriousness of my word. I texted him that that until he commits to me & the kids by continuing counseling & showing effort to commit, we cannot move forward, so till then my focus is on myself& the children. The counselor just says he doesn't think ill ever leave him bc he always relies on me not keeping my boundaries like every time before. She said he is nervous bc lately I've drawn my line in the sand & have not budged & is starting to feel like I don't need him anymore. I don't want an answer if he loves me bc he is a runner in these situations& I know he wouldn't go if he didn't, but I felt it is best to hear from a WS to give me some insight on why he is holding on by just doing counseling& no communication aside from that. I stopped letting him provide financially even when he asked to bc I want to start preparing to move forward if this last attempt to R does not work out , & in the process keep my ultimatum to back it up with my request ive given him. I can't back down. I just found out I have cancer, & have put that 1st. But also making sure I take care of this to move it forward once & for all. I just new some advice on why WS fence sit & why they hold on when they can leave. If he isn't in the A anymore what's going on? Sorry just need help to understand this...

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
lost and weary
♀ Member
Member # 33433
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am coming to you as a BS trying minute by minute at times to make it through the day. i am struggling with comparing myself with the OW. i hate it and i hate that it haunts me like it does. i was just wondering what you all might offer as to an explanation of why you choose who you choose. thank you for your help.


me-bs, 41
him-fwh-39
married 17 years, together 20
daughter-10, son-4
ow-34, married co-worker, with 2 children close in age to mine
ea lasted 7 months til d-day-april 21, 2011, NC since that horrible day.
attempting reconcile
d-day 2- january

Posts: 194 | Registered: Sep 2011
lost and weary
♀ Member
Member # 33433
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wheat

thanks for your help


me-bs, 41
him-fwh-39
married 17 years, together 20
daughter-10, son-4
ow-34, married co-worker, with 2 children close in age to mine
ea lasted 7 months til d-day-april 21, 2011, NC since that horrible day.
attempting reconcile
d-day 2- january

Posts: 194 | Registered: Sep 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost -

i am struggling with comparing myself with the OW.

You do this because it gives you a sense of control if you could figure out what it was. If it was her hair color, then maybe if you dye your hair the same shade, he wouldn't cheat.

What you need is to process this enough to understand that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, you cannot fix it. His cheating had nothing to do with you.

i was just wondering what you all might offer as to an explanation of why you choose who you choose

For me... The first guy was a coworker and it would be too icky, the second one was gay, the third one said "yes". There was nothing special about him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

starlightsky -

I just new some advice on why WS fence sit & why they hold on when they can leave.

Because you let him fence sit.

Really, people (usually) don't have affairs because they hate their BSes. They have affairs because they have something broken in them and they are too stupid to deal with it in a constructive manner. They did not want to end their marriages, otherwise, they would have.

I am sorry about your cancer. Please take care of yourself first.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost:

i am struggling with comparing myself with the OW.

I agree with US that it is not about you at all. By contrast, I often compared myself to BW. I may have been more worldly than she, but she was far more attractive, and she was faithful to her H. It goes both ways, and it never makes any sense.

why you choose who you choose. thank you for your help.

My AP was an old flame. There was, I thought, a deep connection there. From a physical standpoint, he was older than BH and overweight. Looks had nothing to do with it.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
lost and weary
♀ Member
Member # 33433
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you wwnomore and unexpected song. i appreciate it more than you know. it helps a lot to hear your input. i hope you all can find peace. we are looking for it here. i wish he would join here and talk about it and get everyone's help. we need it.


me-bs, 41
him-fwh-39
married 17 years, together 20
daughter-10, son-4
ow-34, married co-worker, with 2 children close in age to mine
ea lasted 7 months til d-day-april 21, 2011, NC since that horrible day.
attempting reconcile
d-day 2- january

Posts: 194 | Registered: Sep 2011
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing a betrayal is the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in my life and believe me it hasn't been a charmed one.

As I struggle with this and try to accept I'll never know all the answers because they have been buried by WS for so long, I realize such a secret has destroyed a part of him the only he can fix with a lot of help.

He seems to struggle with the fact that I'm still here and am trying to work on R. It is also hard for him because I can finally talk about it without getting super Pi$$ed(usually)

Is it common for WS not to forgive themselves and just rugsweep the rest of their lives?


Me

Posts: 799 | Registered: Apr 2010
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ this point, is my kicking him out completely the best thing to do along with NC with him until & unless he meets my R must do's? I feel at this point, its all I can do as he doesn't even communicate with me at all, yet the few times we do c each other in counseling he says he is still undecided & loves me, yet no call, txt, or visit to me & the kids..I feel its my only option. What do u WS think when it comes to a fencesitting WS. Is it bc they r still in the A? He says no, but something is keeping him away. Not sure who or what. Maybe u can help me out on this part as I don't know what to believe since we haven't seen each other consistently in almost 6 mths.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What document recommend should b done to knock them off the fence?

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
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