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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Negative thought patterns?? Hi there, I am wondering if any other WS's have discovered this about themselves and if so, if you can shed any light on how to amend this way of thinking? My fWH has this cycle (per IC) which is that he creates negative thoughts, which then lead to negative feelings, then negative behaviour (meaning lack of proactivity towards our R and my healing). Also, he had and still has actually very low self-esteem pre-A, and I'm wondering if that brought on the negative thoughts, or if it was the other way around? For example, his father cheated on his mother, so he always had trust issues. He had negative thoughts that I was cheating on him prior to him seeking affairs himself, so much so that he checked up on me at work all the time etc. He was terrified to bring this up with me, so....instead created all these negative thoughts in his head about me (ie. she doesn't love me, she's not attracted to me etc.). Anyone experience anything similiar and have any advice at all.....would be greatly appreciated. THX!!


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hellonearth,

I haven't thought of it quite like you described it, but my experience just prior to the EA could sort of be described like that. I thought, based on the information I believed I was presented with, that my wife didn't care about me. I talked myself into believing that and started to detach. No repose from my wife led me to detach more which led to the slippery slope and then the EA.

I find that I'm pretty hard on myself at times, which leads to thoughts that aren't necessarily negative, but more just...off and not right.

To stop doing that, I had to recognize I was doing it to myself. I've since learned that it is an issue/mindset I've had most of my life. Low self esteem is the primary issue. Things start developing from there.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6057 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
aprilshower
♀ New Member
Member # 35627
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a question for the WH. My H says during the 2 PA he had the sex was not great. He said it was nothing compared to what we have and that it was so awkward he couldn't last more then 30sec most times. And the OW even asked him if there was something she could do to help. He can almost always last at least half hour with me. Now I don't know a whole lot bout all that male stuff and I've only been with my H so I don't have any experience with others.

So I guess I was wondering what it was like for the other WHs out there. Is it a bad or good thing that he couldn't go long before coming? Is my H maybe sugar coating things to not "hurt" me more or make it not sound so bad? Is he taking my lack of knowledge about men and making me believe a lie? Or are there some WHs that actually found it hard to have a sexual encounter with the OW?

This has been really bugging me and I just want to know if it has happened to others! Thanks so much!

[This message edited by aprilshower at 10:09 PM, May 21st (Monday)]


BS (me) 24
WS (him) 27
2 sons- 2yrs & 3mo
M- 4yrs Together- 6yrs
D-day 4/6/12
A #1 EA 11/08- 2/09 (kissing also)
A #2 EA/PA 4/10
A #3 EA/PA 8/11- 12/11
Status: fighting thru R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern Indiana
momxgbg
♀ Member
Member # 35350
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:
Before, during and some after my WH's affair...he was also on meetcam. Kinda like facebook for adults. All the women he looked at were skinny, in-shape, large breasts and rather pretty. The porn he looked at (movies and magazines) and the internet sites that I found...all the women were skinny and beautiful.

I am not skinny, and I would not classify myself as beautiful either.

He told me that for awhile before and during the affair that he only focused on the negative aspects of me (physically and mentally), but now he says his eyes are open and all he focuses on are the good sides of me.

So my questions...
1. how long does this new found eyesight stay around?

2. do you really just all of sudden decide that your overweight wife is actually sexy and beautiful?

3. and how could you possibly find someone who is very overweight... sexy, if all you look at are skinny porn-o type bodies.


I have asked my husband this and he told me that it is a fantasy world. He looks, realizes that it is a fantasy, but still enjoys how they look...but doesn't expect me to look that way.

Nevertheless, its something else I don't feel like I can compete with and win. I feel like a great big loser today.


Dday - Jan. 22, 2012
Dday #2 - Apr. 01, 2012 (found out he was still in contact with OW...WHILE we were in MC)
married 17 years
me - bs - 38yrs
him - ws - 36yrs - EA/PA
DD - 15
DS - forever 12 - earned his angel wings 24Nov2013
DD - 10

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably the biggest question I have ever had- As a Ws-How do you live with the fact that you could have killed us?
I have never slept with another man in my life and I have HPV. I guess I could have Aids or Herpes-Gee wasn't I lucky- but I just need to know - how you all get up each day and know you could have killed us? How for that matter does my WS get up and act like this is no big deal.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with imagrownup! I got HPV and cervical cancer from my H and I want to understand how a WS just goes on without truly realizing the scope of their actions and what it has done to us emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
starrysky
♀ Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably the biggest question I have ever had- As a Ws-How do you live with the fact that you could have killed us?
I have never slept with another man in my life and I have HPV. I guess I could have Aids or Herpes-Gee wasn't I lucky- but I just need to know - how you all get up each day and know you could have killed us? How for that matter does my WS get up and act like this is no big deal.

imagrownup & SGRBEET,

For me, the answer to this is that even after my DDay 7 1/2 years ago, this is one of the things I struggle with the most. This is what wakes me up in the middle of the night in tears, stops me in my tracks if I think about it & is probably at the top of the list of things that I can't forgive myself for. When my FBH asked me on DDay about STD's, I chuckled (so ashamed to admit this, it's making my stomach turn just writing it) & said "Oh come on, he only sleeps with his W & me, he's clean, I'm clean; she's clean, you're clean!". I rationalized it in my head, there's NO way he'd (xOM) would lie to me, right?? Thankfully, xOM did not lie to me in that regard & my H & I have clean bills of health.

Of course, this is just my point of view, how I rationalized it & I can't answer for your WS', but I hope this helps in a small way. I'm very sorry you're both dealing with health issues on top of infidelity.


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks starrysky for your honesty. It does help to hear that there are some WS with a conscience out there.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need to know if any WS can just admit it. After the A you are looking for excuses as to why you let this occur. My Ws excuse was - hey we never talked - we hardly ever had sex-I really really don't see it that way- it just plain is not true. These are just made up rationalizations in his head. He has admitted that he has issues to work on -low self esteem etc. but as I here these stories on here- Can anyone just plain say it- It could have been the best marriage ever - Best communication and best sex ever- and I still would have done this. It just was something that sounded fun and exciting - she was there eager and willing and I just did it - I will find a way out of it then?


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imagrownup,

You are right, after d-day, the WS is looking for excuses to explain what they have done. Those excuses likely will be tailored to attempt to minimize the responsibility of the WS as much as possible, whether that means the WS blames the BS, or the OP. Not every WS does that, but most do.

Once I was in my EA, well, there were parts of it that were great. That is part of the equation to what kept me in the EA, but it wasn't the reason it started in the first place. The other parts of the equation though deal with the WS issues, the brokenness.

If I'm reading your last post/question correctly, you are wanting your WH to say that he did it because it was fun, because she was willing. Okay, both of those may be true. But what is it about your WH that would have made him think that it was fun. What was it about him that made him think it was okay to engage with a willing OW? Those are the deeper issues. And I don't think they have much to do with the M at all.

I'm walking a fine line on this one, so please bear with me...When you really look at your WH and your M, were there signs along the way? Was the communication really happening from both sides? Did you know he had low self-esteem issues? If things felt perfect for you, why did they not feel perfect to your WH? What was going on with him that he could make a choice to have an A? What was it about your understanding of the M that allowed you to believe the M was great? Yet your WH had something going on that he chose to cheat?

People would have believed that my wife and I had a perfect M. After my EA, we were able to talk about our own contributions to the pre-A issues. Most of those were plain and simple communication problems. The reason for those communication problems go back to FOO issues for both of us. My BW have been able to separate the A issues from the M issues. We can still look back and say that our M was pretty good. But neither of us wants that old M anymore.

On your previous question about STD's, I don't have an answer because I haven't had a PA.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6057 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momxgbg,

Porn is not reality at all. Look at the guys, all buff and muscular and tattooed, sort of makes me feel old and out of shape. How can your WH look at porn (assuming it isn't soft porn) and not feel bad about himself? It isn't real.

The focusing on the negative aspects of you is very common for the WS. Not everyone does it, but it happens. How else would he have been able to keep the A going on without him talking himself into blaming you? If he didn't, he would have had to take ownership of what he was doing, and that just isn't going to happen during an active A.

I think that there aren't really any answers to your questions because your questions make the A about you, when really it is about him. His reasoning about not expecting you to look that way is not the right answer. The word "expectation" should not be in his vocabulary at this point. That is your word to use for him.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6057 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for reply's to my questions! I appreciate it so much! I really don't know how I can live with the fact that I was lucky enough to just get HPV. So I really struggle with the fact that someone can go through the day knowing they cared so little about the one they allegedly loved to subject them to a disease. My Ws stated that his AP openly admitted to have an outrageous number of sexual partners - bragged openly about hooking up with her married best friend's brother at a party and now he says he just never thought about diseases. By the way we are in our late 40's not 20's. This sounds like a bunch of stories to me. He plain didn't care and what ever happened -happened including giving it to me.

You are right my marriage wasn't perfect - my husband is quiet - I had struggled for years to get him to talk to me- It was always a struggle but it was what it was. So in that case - yep we did not communicate well- I had learned to accept it as one of those qualities of him and over the years kind of thought it was cute. These were his choices not mine. Over all he had not acted like there were issues, overall we still had great children, a great life a beautiful home all the stuff you hear of that makes a life a life- just simply put this woman walked up started making herself available and he took it. I do not at all believe it had to do with how good or bad our marriage was.
I just think it is what it is and she was there. After it was all over he had to quick scramble for reasons and Voila- here are some.
And lets mention she helped him find excuses to keep it going on, but that was way after it had started.
He has self esteem issues - always knew it - because I have known him for years- I just knew it- he admits this now- but how does just admitting this fix anything.
Don't you have to work on this?

Deep down - I feel I will never R truly until he admits that it was just an opportunity - there was the chance to get some(sorry, but it is what it is) and to h@ll with my wife.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello...thank you all for responding to us BSs...thank you..thank you...thank you.

question for you...why is it so hard to talk about your affair? my husband hates to discuss it even though he does...it is still so hard hard for him. he did it...he lived it...and when he was doing it...he talked to his friends and family about it...thought he was really doing something....and now that everything is destroyed...and so many people are hurt....he cant talk about it freely.

why is it so hard to talk about it now?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sri - I think for men, it's shame.. they're supposed to be our knight in shining armor and every time they talk about the affair they know they've let us down.
I'm ok talking about my A whenever he needs me to. However, that brings up awful thoughts for him and more shame so we don't talk about that either.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3672 | Registered: Dec 2010
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is one viewpoint on MLC A's . would love to hear from others what their thoughts are on this idea? especially from fws!

http://personaltao.com/taoism-library/midlife-crisis/survive-thrive-affair/


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove,

Initially, I would say Casey is full of shit.

Moving past that, I had to constantly remind myself that the author was writing to the WS. Some of the information is correct, as to what it is like to hit MLC, be in an A, and come out of an A, but the reasoning is all wrong as to the "value" of the situation, and also the reasons a person gets into an A in the first place. Lots of blameshifting going on there.

I am probably an MLC candidate. I have two Harleys. The EA started when I was 38. The thing is, I could have made different choices, and my BW really had nothing to do with that.

So, there are some tidbits in that article which make sense, but putting it altogether like he did indicates to me that he had a MLC A and that he didn't done the work that he should have done. I'm guessing he is divorced...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6057 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

js_girl,

My EA continued for about 9-months after d-day, although prior to d-day, there was almost daily contact with MOW, after d-day, it dropped to weekly, then every other week, then monthly. It sort of fizzled, then MOW went NC with me.

Remorse took another year to set in.

Yes, I did start taking responsibility for my actions.

No, I did not take responsibility for my BW's healing, because her healing is up to her. I can do things that will help her, but she has to make that choice to heal. Of course, if I wasn't doing the right things, she wouldn't be able to heal in a way that would result in us remaining married. However, she could still choose to heal if we headed toward D. In fact, that is sort of what happened. She finally got to the point of deciding to take care of herself (she decided to heal) and she was ready to leave. That knocked me for a loop and forced some reality into my thinking. Two and a half years later, here we are.

How is he handling the BP?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6057 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
nordicbabe
♀ Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm wondering if the WS really does love the AP? My WH says he 'has feelings' and 'is in love'...they've been 'together' for about 4 months now. While I am divorcing him I still don't want him to 'be in love' with her, this young. stupid girl who hasn't a clue about what she's involved herself in.

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would love to hear opinions from fws who left S for greener pastures and returned to reality. This article poses some interesting thoughts and I would love a fws viewpoint on it.
http://www.thirdage.com/relationships-love/why-men-leave-what-every-woman-and-man-needs-to-know

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment!


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nordicbabe-

I wasn't. I was making up a fantasy life in my head. Looking back I see clearly how much I didn't love her and how much she didn't love me.

Four months is not very long. I doubt they've developed anything real. Only time will tell.

Good luck.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


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