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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
WishingForLethe
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Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach bunny- I can't answer why HE lied. Only agree with Baxter that it is a sure way to the road to D. Perhaps he was looking for someone to be on "his side" and did not really understand that MC doesn't do that?

Maybe he is trying to convince you he told the truth? I don't know, but I agree it is not productive.

Suckstobeme- again, guessing but I would say "shame.". The OM I got involved with was such a nothing compared to my BH that if circumstances had arisin under which I had to actually be with him(can't imagine any situation where I would, but anyway) I would live in constant shame. I would most like "present like a puppy " to my BH in hopes of someday seeing a tiny softening, friendliness or compassion to make myself feel less like pond scum.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
beachbunny
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Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, WS's for responding.

Another question:

My WH had an A, we R'd, then he did it again 9 & 14 years later (but found out about bothat same time). WH wants R AGAIN, but why should I?

If you had more than one A, did R, what did you think was going to happen when you A'd again? Why would you even ask for or expect another chance? It really looks like you just don't want to be married! Thoughts please


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
CoriolisForce
♀ New Member
Member # 35823
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ever think about the other person when you were having sex with your partner/spouse? Whether or not you'd actually had sex with the other person or not. What about once you reconciled, did/does the other person ever flash into your mind during sex?

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2012
crossroads2010
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Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a thread in the general forum about how long a BS thinks about the A everyday. It got me wondering...how long/how often does the WS think about it daily. We have been together for almost 40 years...he had an A with an old gf 23 years ago ...it lasted for weeks ....I found out about it 3 years ago when he looked her up and had another 6 month a with her ...same OW. Has anyone here been in a reallylong term marriage and had multiple As with the same person and kept it a secret for decades...what is the thought process here...does it pop into your head everyday or do you really just forget? I am going to think about this everyday for the rest of my life ...how is he just going to forget? I think about her being in his car everytime I get in it...doesn't he...how can he not? Really need insight from someone who is in long term marriage. Also am I nuts for believing that he had no contact with her for 20 years between 2 As.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxterFF: Yes he knows how much this means, and that is why I don't get it. I KNOW that he wants R but it is like he is incapable of taking this step.

crossroads2010:
I would like to know the answer to this too. This is what happened to me. Same woman nearly 10 years apart. He knew what it did to me the first time - doesn't this suggest that it was done intentionally to hurt/humiliate/devastate me? How could he do this again without that in the forefront of his mind? My WH says he never thinks about her and never thought about her when with me. I think this is convenient. Like you said lucky for him that he can compartmentalize so completely - I wish I could do the same.


Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arais...In my case, I never knew she existed until 3 years ago...I never knew about the A 20 years before until he told me after I found emails between them 3 years ago...he swore there had been no contact between the two As...my H had no consequences b/c I did not know...I think he told me b/c it made him feel less guilty that it was someone he kneew intimately before...buried feeling and all that....I think we just need to how the WS out there interprets this.I need to know what is different this time that will prevent him from going to her again.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
nvr flt sch pain
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Member # 31540
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if any waywards stayed friends with their AP after the A and what impact did this have on your relationship with your SO?

Also did anyone genuinely love their AP or did it all come out in the wash after the A ended?


[This message edited by nvr flt sch pain at 10:22 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]


BW-2gether 13 years, wed 09/09.
Dd1 OW1 6/7/2012 - 9 mnths pa/ea. Dd2 OW1 13/8/2010. Dd3 OW1 10/10, ons and ongoing ea.
Dd4 05/11 OW2 - EA/poss PA, plus other poss ONSs,other dodgy txts.
Dd5 03/12 date sites, sex chats & porn!
01/2013 - porno se

Posts: 663 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: united kingdom
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachbunny

If you had more than one A, did R, what did you think was going to happen when you A'd again? Why would you even ask for or expect another chance? It really looks like you just don't want to be married! Thoughts please

I knew I would be headed for divorce. But (like most, I assume) I thought I wouldn't get caught. When he did find out, I didn't expect another chance. I did ask for one. It took NOT reconciling to get my head out of my ass. It took losing the person most important to me to really see that he WAS the most important (if that makes sense). I do believe that if we had not D'd, and I had not actually done work in IC and focused on my issues to figure out why I was doing what I was doing, and if we had continued to rugsweep like we did after prior D-day, I would have at the very least continued to take him for granted and shit all over our M, and at the worst might have cheated again.

CoriolisForce

Did you ever think about the other person when you were having sex with your partner/spouse?

Not to my recollection. (A was 2 1/2 years ago.)

What about once you reconciled, did/does the other person ever flash into your mind during sex?

R in process, but no. Never.

Crossroads2010

It got me wondering...how long/how often does the WS think about it daily.

It's been over 2 years since D-day, I still think about it every day. (I did not have a long term marriage; sorry, I hope my answer still applies.)

nvr flt such pain

Just wondering if any waywards stayed friends with their AP after the A and what impact did this have on your relationship with your SO?

D-day 1 was a one-day string of text messages where AP and I reminisced about our relationship (we'd been BF/GF before I met XH). After this, we stayed in occasional contact. Not "friends" but not NC. I did not know about EAs or NC at that time. It impacted our relationship because it led to full-blown EA/PA two years later. If I had done NC after the texts in 2007 it never would have happened.

Also did anyone genuinely love their AP or did it all come out in the wash after the A ended?

I thought I did at the time. Again, he was an ex, and I did have genuine feelings for him to some extent. I thought he was "the one who got away." After the A ended and I got into IC, I found that what I loved was the feelings of validation that I got from him.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 1:21 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1921 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
beachbunny
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Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, heartbroken!


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
sadness1
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Member # 32160
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after 16 months, I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. We are currently divorcing but I still have so many questions.

He left Jan 2011 saying no OW. Of course there was..she is 22 and H is 40. I listened to everyone say don't worry he will be back. I listened to him and watched his actions and he seemed so confused. I kept telling him that I would be there and loved him. He constantly put out feelers like he wanted to come back. In November, he did.

He said everything I longed to hear. He wanted the M more than anything. He screwed everything up, regretted it all, wanted to come back so many times but was weak and ashamed. I jumped at the chance to R. We "dated" a week....it was wonderful.

He moved back in and we talked a lot. He wanted MC and I feel like I saw true remorse. So many tears but also hope. I knew it was going to be hard work.

But within 3 weeks, I noticed a shift in his attitude, he admitted he thought of her. I wanted to be intimate, he didn't. He finally admitted he was missing the spark and passion and wanted to leave.

He left, leaving me to tell our two girls again.

So to all and any WS...how does that happen? How can you say you want the marriage more than anything in the world but walk out again without really even trying and still saying he loves me.

I would love any feedback. I guess my head has accepted that it is over but my heart has still wanted to hold on.


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
Arais
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Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 17th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about being in the "fog". My WH finds it difficult to answer the "how could you" questions because he cannot connect to the man who did the things he did. Now he cannot believe that he did those things. He is repulsed by them and so when I ask: how - he can't answer. He doesn't recognize that man with the man he is. Yet we both know that he did do those things. Is this what being in a fog means? that a person does things that they would not ever even consider doing outside of the fog? I am having so much trouble coming to terms with the how's more than the whys. Can anyone help out here to explain this to me? How can a supposedly good man do these terrible things to the people he loves most in the world?

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
Lost333
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Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone help out here to explain this to me? How can a supposedly good man do these terrible things to the people he loves most in the world?

I am going to try to answer this question even though it is the one I struggle with the most. I want to start by saying I don't think anyone that knows me would ever have thought I was capable of having an A. I always was a rule follower, a cautious person, faithful even when betrayed in my past, honest, genuine, always trying to please others. I never thought I was capable of having an A. But I did. I did the cruelest, most selfish thing I have ever done in my life. For me the "whys" blend in with the "hows". Right before I stepped over that line it was like I "turned off" my inner values-my morals. I felt indifference to my life-not only towards my BH but to myself. It was like I started not to care about what was going to happen. It was as if I stopped caring what people thought about me. At the time I didn't like myself or value myself. I was able to have the A by compartmentalizing the two double lives. Every time I felt a little nudge of guilt or doubt I blocked it out. I also began justifying my actions by convincing myself that I hadn't been happy for years, that I was lonely in my M, that I wasn't in love with my H anymore, that I wasn't attracted to my H anymore. I lied to myself so convincingly. I stopped caring about my career, my home, my family, my true friends, and my H. I was trying to escape my life because I didn't know how to cope with the pain I felt.

Writing these things brings tears to my eyes because I realize how awful and careless it sounds. I still don't fully understand how I became that person for that month of my life. How do you make sense of something so senseless? Bad things do happen to good people. And I believe good people can do bad things. I think the answer to this question will vary from person to person. Yes I do think there is a "fog" but the reasons people allow themselves to stay in the fog vary.

Hope this helps. Sorry if I rambled. This question is complex......


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
suckstobeme
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Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost333,

Thank you for that answer. It puts into words what I've thought my exWH did. He essentially threw up his hands and, when faced with the chance to make horrible and selfish decisions, he just said "awww, fuck it."

I wanted to ask if you or anyone else could take the answer a little further. What makes someone recognize that this is what's going on and why would someone just continue to spiral or keep that "fuck it" status quo? I have to believe that a wayward mind knows, somewhere, that this is just an awful thing to do, but why are there seemingly so few who can pull it together and really see? Not that R is always a by product of that, but what makes someone stop falling down the rabbit hole as opposed to someone who seems to want to just find the bottom??


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
copingdaily
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Member # 34713
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did you stop thinking of the AP sexually? I wonder if my WS thinks about her when we have sex. W are a year into R



Treat others as you want to be treated

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Texas
Lost333
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Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but what makes someone stop falling down the rabbit hole as opposed to someone who seems to want to just find the bottom??

For me, and I am sure it is different for everyone, actually having sex with the AP jolted me back into reality. When I came home I felt disgusted. I showered right away. I just remember scrubbing so hard to get him "off of me". I told my BH the very next day. Now, I did text the AP on two different days after I told my BH. I think part of me was still in the "fog" and I was still saying to myself-my M isn't going to work, etc. The last time AP texted me I didn't respond. There was this empty feeling inside of me. The doubts and feelings of guilt could stay away no longer and I began to have this sickening feeling like I had ruined my entire life. At the time I still was not able to comprehend what I had done to my H though. For me I HAD hit the bottom of the rabbit hole. I wish more than anything I would have stopped the A before it got physical (well, I wish I never would have crossed any boundary in the first place). I really didn't recognize everything that I did until a few weeks after Dday when the "light" seemed to get brighter and brighter every day. The light is still getting brighter for me as I uncover the darkest parts of myself. I just realized this is not a good answer to your question because I feel like I did spiral down and hit bottom. Maybe someone else could shed more light on this?


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
Crushed38
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Member # 30644
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the MOW is a woman who has been married 3 times, and has 5 kids with 4 different guys. I have asked my FWH a million times why he thought she was worth it? He just says she wasn't worth it but I still don't get it. Anyone want to shed some light on this for me?


It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011
Lost333
♀ Member
Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did you stop thinking of the AP sexually?

For me this was about a week after having sex with the AP when I decided not to text him back after the last time he texted me. After that any thinking about the AP in that way made me and still makes me feel digusted, repulsed, sick, sad, and shameful. The only times I do think of it are when I am talking with my BH about it or am triggered by something-but it is never fondly thinking about it-it is always the digust and sick feelings now.


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme

What makes someone recognize that this is what's going on and why would someone just continue to spiral or keep that "fuck it" status quo? I have to believe that a wayward mind knows, somewhere, that this is just an awful thing to do, but why are there seemingly so few who can pull it together and really see?

From my perspective: I did know, from the very beginning, that I was doing something horrible. The place that it made no sense, in my mind, was the initial beginning of the affair. The longer it went on, the more damage I knew I was doing. But also the less redeemable things seemed; impossible by that point to put anything right. Kind of the "you can't unring a bell" line of thinking. By even starting the affair in the first place, I had already blown up my marriage. So in my mind, it was already over. It was at that point that I started talking to the AP about leaving my M, because if I were caught (which I eventually was) I would be D'd anyway (which I eventually was).

I didn't confess obviously out of my own sense of self-preservation. It was selfishness at its core. Part of me thought that it would "look better" if I D'd "on my own terms" rather than BEING D'd by a BS. Fucked-up thinking, yes. Part of me (a very delusional part) also thought that maybe I could end the A eventually without being caught.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 4:22 PM, June 22nd (Friday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1921 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
threw it away
♀ Member
Member # 34727
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but what makes someone stop falling down the rabbit hole as opposed to someone who seems to want to just find the bottom??

I ask myself this question often. I sometimes think that it was like compulsively touching a sore spot. There were many motivations behind my affairs, but I think I wanted to find the bottom because I thought that I belonged there. I don't yet know why, but I feared being deserving of my husband's love, I can see that now.


me: ww/34
him: 33, has initiated divorce
married 8 years, together for ten
kids 7 and 4

dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2012
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I wonder now is - is he in a fog now? About me. He says that he always loved me, through it all, but now he is SO in love with me he wants to be with me all the time, do everything together, talk about everything (except the A of course!). He says he feels free to express his love for me now, now that he has risked it and has seen what life could be without me. I wonder though is this also a kind of fog? A fear fog? The same kind of fog a W feels for the OP except he now sees his marriage as exciting and new? He also feels we are closer than we have been in years and year. I don't feel this. Sounds like fog to me? Any insights?

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
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