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User
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Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
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WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447 |  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2012 |     |
woes (wow- what that a coincidence?)
Lol, yes actually it was a coincidence! Funny too because I no longer feel as if I am walking on eggshells or Woes any longer!
Just wanted to add that if he said it twice, I sincerely doubt he doesn't remember. He might, however, realize it was an assinign thing to say and is avoiding it, or there is the possibility that how he feels about you and/or the comment has changed as he has done some of his soul searching. I know I said things early on that I look back on and cringe!
If its bothering you, then there isn't any harm in revisiting it, asking him to elaborate so you can feel more comfortable. If you don't get an answer you want, tell him to keep working on it because that is something you need to be on the same page about.
Me: WS 40
Him: BH 41 (holdingtogether)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 11 and 8
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
Posts: 357 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas | nothings special
♀ Member
Member # 33976 | | Posted: 8:05 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Thank you for being here for me woes... I did ask for him to elaborate.. It got worse.. I am hung up on the age thing and as he started to explain I took his words personally.. Something about its a fact of life, we all get old... Blah blah.. I was upset. Asked him to stop and I went off the deep end. Told him to find an apartment Monday.. I talked to the only friend that knows us well that does know all the gory details. She has always supported him positively because he is a good guy BUT she was floored and admitted she couldn't live with the statements, humiliation and negative consequences of such harsh words.
If you said things you regret...maybe he does.. I'll clarify again but am at a real loss of what I want out of my life... It is NOT to feel like I do currently.. So sad. Love of my life. Ugh...
Thanks again for your response. I wish you well and continued success in your marriage. This stuff is tough :(
Posts: 169 | Registered: Nov 2011 | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 8:47 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012 | |
time2grow,
You wouldn't have to say anything at all. You could say anything you want. It's up to you.
I would imagine that your XW would experience this one of two ways. 1) from finally wanting to reconcile her past and 2) from wanting you back because she has no other options.
If it is #1, how would that make you feel?
If it is #2, I expect you would be able to spot that a mile away, so it is a non-issue.
Given where you seem to be, I would imagine that while you are in a place where you don't want or need to bring it up and you know you are done, you would still like some answers to put that chapter of your life to rest. If she came at you finally wanting to reconcile the past and be open and honest with you, you could just say "thanks" and walk away. If she gets to this point, then she will know (hopefully) how much she has hurt you. Your simple response to her would just cement that knowledge for her. She may or may not be hoping for you two to get back together.
There are just so many variables that it is tough to know what would happen.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5455 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 9:15 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Bubbleup,
Wondering how long it takes for a WS to deal with the loss of their extramarital relationship?
It can take anywhere from one minute to a few years.
The method DWBH describes will work for some and not for others. It is extremely abrupt and if the WS isn't ready for it, then it very well may not work. This sucks for the BS, but it is possible that the WS will use that method as a reason to finally leave. It's a crap shoot.
As far as what you need to do or say, well, you need to decide what you are willing to put up with. Are you going to be able to hold out for a year for her to get over the AP? Do you know if she is capable of seeing the reality of what she has done?
Personally, I think that as long as NC is definitely in place, then it is okay for the BS to be patient. But there is also mental NC to deal with. As long as your WW is talking to you about it, I would take that as a good thing.
One thing that helped me was that my BW recognized her part of the pre-A issues, but she refused to let me use that against her when it came to the A stuff. She also forced me to recognize and admit to my contribution to our pre-A issues.
The next step was separating the A from the AP. They are two different things entirely. I was lucky that my BW could handle this. When we talk about it now, we realize that she wasn't doing this for me. She was doing it for herself. That is what she needed to do.
Do what you need to do. Take into account what you believe your WW is capable of as far as coming through this. You are the best judge on that one.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5455 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | time2grow
♂ Member
Member # 35983 | | Posted: 11:47 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012 | |
BaxtersBFF,
Thank you for the response. The easiest to answer is #2, she can want all she wants the answer is still, “No”.
As far as her reconciling her past, I would feel better about my son being with her if I knew she was trying. Should she go farther and actually take responsibility for her actions then I would be more apt to be responsible for my own faults. At that point, I know we would share some tears but it does not change my answer to #2. I have no problem admitting my own faults but I would get more talking to a wall than her right now.
“. . . answers to put that chapter of your life to rest.” It was not easy at first but I have come to accept that I will never know. Now that some time has passed, it does not really matter anymore. She was the WS, she destroyed what we had and even if I knew all the details it will not change anything. Having the life experiences that I do I do not know if I will ever completely trust another. It is a nice thought but I do not know and anything that she may have to share will not change that.
fBH - 44
Posts: 1254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri | DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512 | | Posted: 9:07 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012 | |
Personally, I think that as long as NC is definitely in place, then it is okay for the BS to be patient. But there is also mental NC to deal with. As long as your WW is talking to you about it, I would take that as a good thing.
This is the part I really struggle with. Most BS' advised that the WS should NOT be sharing their thoughts or feelings about the AP with their BS... too painful for the BS. Very true. So, as a BS, how do we keep tabs on where they are at with this? How do we talk about this constructively? And the hardest part... how do we even believe what the WS is telling us, given it's such a sensitive topic, with the potential to be a dealbreaker?
TR and I just had this talk again yesterday morning, and she tells me she hasn't had any more random thoughts of "missing" her MOM. Her new IC (only two sessions in) has stated it appears that MOM was extremely manipulative, so she is definitely starting to see and acknowledge that, and when she pictures his face, it hasn't been a "comforting" thing like it always was in the past... instead, it's morphing into something negative. GREAT! But it's quite easy to think she's just saying all this to make me feel better, given what a big deal this has been over the past couple of weeks.
Me: BH, 42
Her: FWW, 40 (ThornyRose)
M: 15 years, together 18
2 Daughters: 13 and 11
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
Posts: 621 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI | Bubbleup
♂ Member
Member # 36120 | | Posted: 2:05 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2012 | |
BaxtersBFF:
Thanks for the reply.
The next step was separating the A from the AP.
Could you elaborate on this? Are you talking about the difference between what led to an A in general vs. what led WS to 'him' in particular?
Me: BS 48 Trying to 'R'
Her: WS 43 NC Broken 7/17/12, 10/29/2012 Back to square 1. No 'R' until conditions met.
D-Day 4-20-2012
Kids 2: 9yrs, 4yrs
Married 16 years, Together 24 years
Blind to EA for years
EA became PA
Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY | Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122 | | Posted: 12:33 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012 | |
How hard is it to see the pain your BS is going through. The inability to function normally, and just " get over it". Do you fully understand the impact of you actions? My WS is sorry and working hard for R. But I just wonder what other WS think of the healing time line. I would love to just get over it and put it In the past. Somedays I think I can and others it's there again. Does it scare you as much as me that your BS will never be the same as before.
BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012 | MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849 | | Posted: 5:19 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012 | |
How hard is it to see the pain your BS is going through. for me, it was gut wrenching. I hated seeing him spiral out of control. He was drinking heavily, and he's not a drinker. He couldn't eat, sleep without having nightmares - it was awful. It magnified the pain I was already feeling from the betrayal. It's a huge burden to bear. Do you fully understand the impact of you actions? I do. But I just wonder what other WS think of the healing time line. It's important for both sides to respect each other's healing timeline. Everyone heals differently and at a different pace. IMO, as long as both sides are doing the work to recover in a HEALTHY way, then the process and timeline should be respected. Does it scare you as much as me that your BS will never be the same as before. It did in the beginning. What I realized after some time and plenty of hard work is that quite frankly, I didn't want my BH to be the same as before because he wasn't healthy. He needed to change as much as I did. Eventually, the prospect of him staying the same was scarier than the thought of him changing.
FWW - 39
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...
Posts: 4703 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal..... | Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122 | | Posted: 5:31 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012 | |
Thank you so much for letting me see your side and show how you feel.
BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012 | MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849 | | Posted: 5:38 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012 | |
you're welcome...everything is still so new for you.. believe me when I say, no matter what happens, you will be okay...
FWW - 39
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...
Posts: 4703 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal..... | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 2:54 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Bubbleup,
Sorry...I've been remiss in following up on things lately.
You asked about this - The next step was separating the A from the AP.
Could you elaborate on this? Are you talking about the difference between what led to an A in general vs. what led WS to 'him' in particular?
You're sort of on the right track (as far as how I think about it).
What I mean is that there is the affair and there is the affair partner. They aren't the same thing. IMO, the WS experiences the feelings and emotions of an A and they think that it is feelings and emotions about the AP. Ultimately, if the WS can separate the two, they can start to see the AP as a non-issue.
For some reason, it was easier for me to work on things when I realized that the MOW wasn't the main issue.
Not sure if that explains it adequately... 
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5455 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 8:08 AM, August 5th (Sunday), 2012 | |
DWBH,
The way my BW approached this was to listen, but to apply reality to it. I don't think a WS should be saying "I miss AP so much because they were so great and made me feel so wonderful." I do think that at a certain point, once the WS has shown some signs of getting it, that the WS should be able to be honest with the BS about what they remember and how it is making them feel now.
For instance, when I started coming out of the fog, part of me knew what I had done and what the AP was really like, but part of me still didn't want that to be true. So my BW saw those moments of the man she needed me to be and was willing to work with me to tear down that image of the AP. This ties back into the separating the A from the AP subject mentioned above. Once the image of the AP was torn down a bit, I was able to see that it really was the A that was the problem, not the AP.
When talking about it, or keeping tabs on where the WS is with this, I think you have to do a juggling act. As the BS, you have to remain firm, have that line drawn in the sand about what you are willing to do, but I think you need to let the WS know that they can trust you too.
I know that is a touchy subject too, especially since the WS is not to be trusted, that they might have some issue with being able to trust the BS...I know that idea seems outrageous. The fact is, many WS are just plain scared. Many of the WS who don't get it, won't get it because they think they can't trust their BS to stick to their promise/offering of R. It will likely turn out that the WS trust issues are with themselves, not with the BS. Sort of a moment of surrender thing. The WS has to finally trust themselves and those around them.
I believe that the BS will know when they can start believing the WS. The barometer is going to be set differently for everyone.
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5455 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise | nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258 | | Posted: 4:34 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
wondering if fws have regrets about the type of father or mother they were while in the A? Did you minimize or deminish your role in the family? Just wondering as it seems the role of father or mother never gets talked about as much as the role of husband or wife?
Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj | Aubrie84
♀ Member
Member # 33886 | | Posted: 4:43 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
wondering if fws have regrets about the type of father or mother they were while in the A?
Absolutely. During the A I was a terrible mother. I'm a homeschooling mom and for pretty much an entire month, I screwed around and schoolwork fell behind. After Dday there were still many days when I couldn't function enough to do school. It fell further behind. We spent the rest of the year playing catch up and still, DD isn't where she should be. That weighs heavily on my mind. I have stunted her growth, her knowledge, her learning. It's my fault. Selfishly I fed my need for attention and failed my own children.
Housework, meals, everything just fell apart during the A. It was hell in this house for 6-8 weeks. My kids needed attention, affection, love. I denied them that. It was wrong. So wrong. I hate the fact that the little beings I love more than life itself were neglected.
People say kids are resilient. They bounce back so much better than adults. Be that as it may, the guilt still pokes at me.
FWW-28
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway."
"Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself."
Posts: 3831 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Nashville | FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345 | | Posted: 10:05 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
wondering if fws have regrets about the type of father or mother they were while in the A?
100% Yes.
I admit that I was a horrible mother during my A. I didn't realize it at the time and that scared me. I have a terrible memory and am having trouble remembering a lot of things during the time of my A. When my husband tells me about some of the things that I did while I was having my A, I was dumb founded. I couldn't believe myself. As much as I don't want to admit this, I hit my daughter. I feel so horrible for stooping to this level, and I wish I didn't. During my A I didn't spend a lot of time with her either. I stopped doing everything with her from drawing to watching movies with her to teaching her things. I can't even express how I feel about the way I was with her.
I am happy to admit now that since D-Day I am a whole lot better. I actually spent the day with her today. We went shopping, had some lunch and just spent time together. It was really nice and I feel great. [This message edited by FR2012 at 10:08 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]
BH (him): 27 ~ FWW (me): 26
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012
Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2012 | losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070 | | Posted: 5:57 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012 | |
1. If your affair was announced to your BS by the other BS, how did things go?
2. If your BS announced the affair to the OBS, how did you feel?
Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation
Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2012 | nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258 | | Posted: 7:21 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012 | |
just wondering if destroyed relationships with adult kids are repaired after remorse is shown and trust is proven? Can the relationship ever be as good or better with unfaithful parent and adult child? How is this possible? Would love to hear actual situations from Fws!!
Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj | HopefulK
♀ New Member
Member # 36357 | | Posted: 7:09 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
My WH had sex with a stripper- twice.(two days in a row) After D-Day he was saying that he wasn't sure "I could be the only girl he loved" among other excuses so I left the state to go back home. Not even a week later he (basically) moved her in.
He had not tried to contact me - basically disregarded his son & his unborn son (I am pregnant).
A few weeks later I asked him if he "knew really who she was?" He said yes. She's a felon - druggie (weed) - stripper - who has placed ad's on "sugar daddy" websites. He knew everything minus the sugar daddy ads... but he didn't seem to care?
She is very different from me.
I asked him if he was "serious" about her and he said he was.
Could he really have developed feelings for a stripper who had sex with him on the first date after two nights of drinking with her & her stripper friends?
Did he hate me/not love me that much or could he really have met "the one?"
I am so confused at how easily it was for him to throw what we had away....the only thing that makes sense is that he really did fall for this girl?
Married: 8 months.
One son (7 months) & 6 months pregnant.
Me: 22 yrs.
WH: 25 yrs.
OW/Stripper/Felon: 27 yrs.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Michigan | Chili
♀ Member
Member # 35503 | | Posted: 3:47 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Card sort of addressed this, but just curious if any WS could relate. Mine told me that the whole thing felt like "being on a cocaine binge or something."
Really I sort of get it, but not really...is the high of an affair in the same ballpark as drugs then? Self-medicating with a different substance perhaps?
Just wondering if maybe it's one of the pretty honest things he said.
Thanks to all of you for responding here - it's really brilliant.
Me: BSO
Him: Assclown
Too many years tied up with him.
April-May 2012 pretty much sucked.
"I'd love to give a dog a bone, but I'm not gonna stick around to help you" - Jack White
Posts: 240 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Reality | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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