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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Question  Posted: 10:59 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fairly new to all of this. You can read some of my post to see that I've moved out 3 times since January (I'm currently still gone). The last time was 3 weeks ago after he answered a fake ad I placed. I left right after, but also led him to believe I knew a ton more than I didn't hoping he would finally confess.

I've always known in my gut he has had several PA, but he always lied. After I left, his IC told him he was a sex addicted. He says he now is going to church and a 12 step program for SA. He admits that he is a liar and a cheater, but I want to know more. I'm really confused right now.. I'm thinking that I should maybe give him another shot now that he knows what his "problem" is... but a bigger part of me wants to stay far away… I’m just so unsure of my next step. I know this is all so new, I’m just scared to death. It’s not fair.

The one thing I did ask of him was full disclosure… I didn’t want to know details, but I did want to know how many, when and who. He said that everyone in his recovery including his IC said not to tell me. That it would do more harm than good. He said he didn’t want to hurt me further and that chapter in his life is closed. He wants to move forward in a positive light. I told him it was hard to move forward when I don’t know what I’m moving forward from. I honestly don’t think he’s going to tell me. I told him I wanted him to lay all the cards out on the table and let me make the decision whether or not I can move forward. He said he can’t hurt me any further and his recovery says not to. I think this is a deal breaker for me.

My question is did you disclose everything when asked? If so, why? If you didn't, why? Everything I’m reading says if I ask for the info he should give it… He says everything he's reading and hearing from all the recovering SA says not to… I don’t know!!!!! ANY advice will help… So confusing! Thank you in advance!!



Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
FrozenTear
♀ Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question that has been running through my own head and my relationship right now.

How did being sexually physical with your BS make you feel and did it make you recoil or try to reconnect with your BS in that area of your relationship during the R period?


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was in a LTA PA for 2.5+ years but much longer EA.
He told her everything - things he never shared with me. In the day he'd talk with her or see her for hours. Again at night he'd walk the dog for several hours and be on the phone with her until his battery went flat - even recording the conversations to listen to later when they couldn't talk. He described it as a twin-like bond - she understood everything, never judged yadda yadda yadda!
So I get that he misses the relationship - OW never worked, he worked part-time and I work full-time and study. So there is a big gap for him.
We are 3 months out and as we try to get back into normal routines I worry more than ever he will break NC again. He tells me he wonders how she is getting on etc and feels guilty that he has terminated the relationship so abruptly. The last contact he had I recorded on VAR - him saying he loved her and he would chat the next day - he didn't! All hell broke loose at home instead.

So are there times when you as a WS were tempted to break NC despite being in R?
If so what were the triggers for this? Birthdays? Anniversaries? Arguments with the BS? Or time-frames like 6 weeks or 2 months etc?

Are there times a BS should be especially cautious around?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 2:40 AM, August 19th (Sunday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VD2012

In our recent talks in the past weeks she has tried remembering as much as possible to answer some questions but still struggles.
A friend of mine said that this is common in people who go through stuff like that. A coping mechanism of sorts to protect your mind.
Is this normal or common?

I can't speak for anyone else in this situation but for me, my memory has been bad throughout my life. There are large gaps in my childhood I just do not recall – Including family holidays and vacations. I see the pictures and know they happened but can't remember anything specific that happened.

As for my A, I remember bits and pieces but with little details around them. I do not remember conversations with OW or texts specifically, just a vagueness surrounding my A and that time in general. I don't even remember much of what she looked like at this point. That happened fairly quickly (within a couple months after DD)

I TT'd so much in the beginning it was difficult to separate the reality for the lies. I did use the "I don't remember" excuse but there were legitimately things I could't remember. I dumped all my evidence prior to DDay so I didn't have those things to jog my memory.

All I know is it is a dark and tainted part of my life and I don't want to remember it. There is a lot of shame that is associated with that time. I was horrible and that is what I will always remember and work to never be again.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2011
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

avicarswife

So are there times when you as a WS were tempted to break NC despite being in R? 


Your situation is different from mine so it may not be relevant for you. I just wanted to answer this as a WS perspective.

I wanted out of my A and ended it. The OW was fishing after DDay and I would answer – not because I wanted to continue contact but out of fear of what she would do if I didn't. I didn't have feelings for her, I was more concerned about self preservation.

I didn't send a solid NC letter as early as I should have for the same reason, I was afraid of what she would do. I was hoping she would just go away and when I realized that wasn't going to happen, I sent one.

Since coming clean and not TT'ing, I am not afraid of OW or what she could do. She holds no power over me and is irrelevant.

I have had no interest in knowing anything about OW.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2011
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostmylight55,

Thank you very much for the response. I appreciate it.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Mitty
♂ Member
Member # 34456
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost my light 55, I felt the same, I kind of likened the lack of memory to going on a roller coaster, you don't remember how many twists and turns there were you just tried to mentally survive the time, the brain had an amazing ability to eradicate the memory of pain, we know it hurt but we can not relive the exact pain we felt as it doesn't exist anymore and painful memories deminish quickly even if we may have considered them 'good' at the time, because they happened during a mentally challenging or shite time in our lives they too diminish greatly and disappear hence you struggle to remember faces, places, txts and so on... not always what a BS wants to hear when searching for details to know what they are dealing with but that's generally what happens to a WS during the fog

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: england
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks lostmylight55.

I have so much to think over.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Cannaman
♂ Member
Member # 33834
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you lie to your BS when it came to details about your A you felt may hurt your BS further? I.e. Was the sex good, etc...


m BS/ FWBF/ F pill addict binge drinker 33 h FWW/ BGF 34
d 5 s 3
My A: ONS 2003 other inappropriate behavior/ poor boundaries
Her A: 5 month EA/PA 2011
DDay 8/30/11 (I caught her and confessed to mine)
married 3 years, together 15 working on R/

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: right behind you
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostmylight55
THANK YOU!!!!!! I was reading a post from above and my WH asked what I was reading so I gave him the iPad. Next think I know he is handing me it back telling me I read you post and that is how he feels. Thank you for helping him find his words.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
nopeace
♀ New Member
Member # 36389
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS going through something, need some insight.

It has been just over 3 months since Dday and WH is sometimes remorseful, sometimes distant. Yet, in the past week or so, something has changed and I ask him if everything is ok, if he is ok, he says "yes." I really don't know what to ask because I am not sure what he is going through.
Since Dday, I spent the first 2.5 months reading everything and concentrated on how this has affected him because he is not one to share feelings. I have been through hell but during our conversations, my tears and my anger, I have done my best not to raise my voice, not to point my finger, not to say the 1 million nasty and horrible things that I want to say. I have tried to be empathetic to the fact that he is in pain too and in trying to figure out what needs the AP was meeting that I wasn't, I gave 100% effort to showing him how much I adore, respect and love him.

As for intimacy, I experienced Hysterical Bonding the day after I found out about the A and we have not had any issues at all, in fact, things have been perfect in this department. Somehow I got past the PA quite easily and quickly. It is the EA part that I can't get over.

For the past 2 weeks I have had to start pulling away from him. I can't go on working 100% at this when I have no feedback, no comforting, barely see remorse and the more distance I give, the more distance he takes. He is close to me when he feels like it and that is rare.

Every time we speak he says "don't think too much" and complains that I always "have my own answers ready" yet he never answers my questions.

We have talked about everything and my H does not want me to bring the subject up again. Yet when I do, he reassures me constantly that the A is over and there is NC at all. Yet, my gut tells me they still find a way to talk here and there. I ask and he denies. I search and find nothing. But I realize it is too easy to setup and online account with no traces in the comp and to call her from work as we all have prepaid cellphone cards with no records coming to the house. He will not leave a browser history and he will not get a phone with a contract so billing comes home -he says it is too expensive and for the comp, he says he always cleared his browser and that I do the same thing...

To the point... he seems normal on the outside but I know from 15 years of being with him that something is churning on the inside. It may be a little depression, some guilt for sure but there is something new, something that has him being more distant to me and he seems to have his guard up all the time. Every time we talk or I ask a question, he attacks! Yet I try to never judge or react when he answers so there is no reason for him to be so defensive.

It goes something like this: One day I wake up and he is watching me sleep. I see him and feel this love that I have not felt in years and I start crying. He is looking at me with love and adoration. After that, for the first time in 3 months he actually comforted me when I was in tears. Later that day, he was playing with my hair, treating me like I am special (first time since we met!). Then, 2 days of being distant. Then he takes me out to dinner and treats me like we were on our first date! Then another day of cold.

I don't know what to make of it. He will not initiate a hug or a kiss and will not say "I love you." Not in a text, not in person, not ever.

Finally, yesterday I happened upon a memory stick that was in our GPS. This seemed strange to me as we never used one in there before. I popped it into my computer and found that it was a shrine to his A. All the love songs he had sent to her, all the photos and videos of himself that he had sent to her. I thought these were deleted.

Can anyone offer insight? Is he going through withdrawal? Is he becoming remorseful? Maybe he is holding on and wanting to find the way to be with her again? I don't know...


ME -BW 43
HIM -WH 36
DDay 26 April, 2012
2nd DDay 14 May, 2012
Online affair for 6 months
1 night in a hotel together
2 children boy/girl twins 12 yrs
Trying to find myself again.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2012
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nopeace:
Wait...is he trying to blame his A on you?

You can't do all the work and you can't change him. That method will drive you mad. Remember:
THE A WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU! The A was about him, his choice, his selfishness and his broken shit, not yours.

and found that it was a shrine to his A. All the love songs he had sent to her, all the photos and videos of himself that he had sent to her. I thought these were deleted.

He's acting cold and distant because he is STILL in the A. Maybe not physically, but mentally. NC means NO NEW HURTS! NC means purging EVERYTHING! No gifts, no *cutsie* little keepsakes, no pictures, etc


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nopeace, what did you do with his memory stick? did you confront?

sounds like he is maybe going through withdrawal from contact with OW if he is truly NC. But the insisting on not having a phone bill that comes home is sketchy. You should really consider a VAR. It just sounds like you don't truly know all that you are working with, and him not being willing to meet all your needs/ requests is indicative that he is still in selfish mode.

from experience, I'll say that the "getting out of selfish mode" part is crucial, otherwise you cannot move forward.

He may be "waiting" to lull you into a sense of security, then reestablishing contact if he hasn't already. And the days where he is loving and great with you, then cold alernating... maybe he is trying to convince you or himself that he loves you and can choose to be with you, then the cold days, he feels that he can't. At least that's what I'd think if I were experiencing those things as you describe them.

you sound like you are really in a tough spot, i hope you can get the support you need both from SI and IRL.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long did it take you to forgive yourself? Was it easier to get forgiveness from bs or yourself?


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 3+ months out from d-day and struggling through R. I'm not optimistic but WW and I are both in IC and MC. I think we're both ambivalent about whether we want to stay together and I've been leaning toward filing for D.

Today we were talking and she says she was doing some reflection this morning.

What does it mean when WW tells me that she's not going to feel like a victim anymore and that she is wrong to blame me for what has happened in her life?

Thanks for any insight you can provide.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 12:10 PM, August 24th (Friday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j in terms Not in $$$ what has A cost you?

would love to hear what fWS now realize they lost or would have lost if they continued with AP (not in $$).

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhere:
How long did it take you to forgive yourself? Was it easier to get forgiveness from bs or yourself?

After my H came to me on Jan 26th (see my tagline) was when I felt I could start to forgive myself. It took about a week and it wasn't all at once but I knew it wasn't healthy to keep hanging on.

Before being fully R'd, for myself, I didn't feel it would be right to forgive myself until he did and if he never forgave me, I could live with that too.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix:
What does it mean when WW tells me that she's not going to feel like a victim anymore and that she is wrong to blame me for what has happened in her life?

That's awesome! I'd ask her WHY she felt she needed to blame you and WHAT brought her to that conclusion.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove:
Not in $$$ what has A cost you?


The A cost me my *old* marriage. The A cost me any ounce of self-respect. The A cost me the relationship with my H. The A cost me my memories as I will remember the A and what it did. The A cost me the knowledge that my H wasn't the last person I'd ever sleep with.
The A cost me to have the absolute fear that one day our DS could have someone betray him like I betrayed my H. The A also cost me to loose the old crusty withered and broken shell of myself that I was comfortable with.

The list would go on for ever. I would have lost my H, our DS the respect of our DS, the future relationship with him at any important function like graduations or weddings would be awkward, I KNOW I wouldn't have learned anything but would have felt sorry for myself and turn even more bitter. I would have lost the last ounce of decency I had left. I can go on and on and on and probably still not be able to tell you what else I would have lost as the ripples from an A go further out than the eye can see.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 7:08 PM, August 24th (Friday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH "was in love" with the OW, but when I told him to stop he did (or says he did) I just don't understand how one can fall out of love with someone just because someone told him to. He had already decided to leave me for the OW but I begged and got him to change his mind, so he did. I always questioned how he could just stop loving her, but he says I don't know I just did.

So my question is, is this true, did he really just stop loving her? My fear is he just supressed his feelings for her and there sitting in the back of his mind or bottom of his heart somewhere and afraid that one day they will come out. I have expressed this concern to him quite a few times, he just keeps telling me doesn't have any feelings for her any more. But if someone can be in love one day and literally stop the next day, how do I know this is true???


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
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