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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've noticed here on SI that a lot of WSes in general (as well as SAs) have trouble coming to terms with the notion of a higher power. I was watching an episode of Dexter earlier this week and something in it made me think of this forum.

Dexter's having a conversation with someone about the concept of God, and the character proposes the idea of the moon influencing the tides of the ocean. He asks Dexter - you believe in that, right? Dexter has to admit that he does. Well, there's your higher power, his friend replied.

It's something so simple and obvious and elementary, but it really stuck with me this week.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome newbies! Glad you are here, sad for the reason why. But we will all survive. FOO is family of origin, whatever family household unit you grew up with. Typically mother, father, and siblings, but of course all sorts of variations.

I held off on discussing what I posted about last night. Even if it is a good idea to discuss it, which I'm still not sure of, it's not a good idea to do it on Halloween or the night before, LOL. It's a crazy day, parties at school, trick or treating, and all that nonsense. So I'm shelving it for now.

I guess perhaps I should accept he is where he's at in the addiction cycle and there's nothing that can be done to push him farther along at the moment. Not sure that discussing it with him would actually result in anything positive for ME, and would only take the focus off of ME, so probably should let it go. I just don't like being lied to, even if he believes he is telling the truth, and it's very hard for me not to call him on it. Ugh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager,

I am praying for you AND your husband.

You are so so strong. After all that has happened, you are still standing, with your head held high. I am so glad that your family and friends IRL are supporting you.

I am sure you know that what he did is NOT a reflection on you -- but I just feel like you need to hear it today.

Do something for yourself today that will make you smile.

Knutz


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager

My heart goes out to you and your kids. You are so strong you are my inspiration. Glad that you are at least getting support from family and friends. Hang in there.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sager)) this too shall pass. Sorry to hear of your recent news. Please be strong and know that we are thinking of you.

Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager,

I'm proud of you, too. I've been reading your posts for awhile, and I really admire your strength. Please know we are thinking about you and we are in your corner!!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for this thread. Reading all of the posts helps me realize I'm not alone in having an SA spouse. Especially reading comments about how they could have affairs etc if the love us! I am only beginning to accept that maybe it isn't me or my fault. I'm all over the map of emotion and SI is such a help. To see some of you so much farther along gives me hope even just for a moment. Hugs to you all.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am sooooo down, down, down today! Actually started last night. H and I were watching TV. I feel asleep at one point and when I woke he had on some cartoon thingy and the first thing I see is the character was in bed with the covers on and it was obvious he had a hugh boner (the character not H, LOL) and the other character in the cartoon was saying something to the effect, sorry to interrupt your whanking off. WTF...I just said what is this? H got a bit jumpy and said oh...its then said the name of the program (i forget) and then quickly switched to Hellboy. UGH...I felt disgusted and angry. Then, we went up to the bedroom and while I was washing up, he put on a show we usually watched in the past and when I came back it was on a part where a guy was getting a blow job from someone in a tiger costume. I got so worked up in my head, I had to take a klonopin (antianxiety pill). I am finding lately that I am having trouble watching TV even. There is so much sex and garbage out there that I can't stand it anymore. Do you get that way? I hate it! I hate what this whole thing has done to me. I hate my life right now. I hate feeling this way. AND guess what no matter which way I turn..my life is f*cked up!! I didn't ask for any of this shit. I don't want a H that is an SA and I don't want to have a singe life! UGH...I am so down today. He is calling me right now and I can't even bother to answer the phone. I am so f*cking angry at him!!!!!!!!! I feel like doesn't anyone see that I am not as happy as I used to be? I am not my silly ole self? I am invisible. I also find it so hard to cry these days. I know I am stuffing. The tears are coming now but I will have to turn them off for the sake of the kids. I slept til 12:30 today. I don't want to bother getting up even. Life SUCKS!!




Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cheeta))))

I am sorry you are feeling down. It does get better. I know its hard, but try to focus on you. We love them and have had so many years with them so it is difficult to detach.

You are not alone in feeling betrayed and empty because of his actions. Acceptance is one of the most difficult things about this. We have to accept what they did, that we can't control it and have no answers for how it will turn out it the future.

I just wanted you to know that we are here for you.

Hugs, torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cheetah)) I so understand.

Watching TV together is one of the few things WH and I have left, since it's difficult to go out alone with 3 littles. And I'm at a point where I can't watch a lot of stuff because I am too stressed out, stuff that before that has nothing to do with infidelity but I can't get worked up over. But when it DOES have infidelity, or hookers, or whatever it is even harder.

Case in point, most of the shows we have watched together have ended/cancelled or gone on too long and gotten stupid. So he was all excited to get us into watching Big Bang Theory, which we haven't watched before. Well, in getting caught up on past episodes, there was an episode where one of the main characters struggled with deciding whether to cheat on his long distance girlfriend with a once in a lifetime opportunity "hot chick" he would probably never have again. Ultimately he decided not to, but at the last minute. So he came clean with his girlfriend with what happened, and she admitted to him she had slept with her ex boyfriend. Killed it for me, and now IDK if I want to keep watching if it's going to be a recurring theme in the show, either infidelity itself or him dealing with hers. But then all shows have infidelity components in them, IDK if I could get away from it even if I wanted to. Ugh.

You are right, it sucks. I will probably have to get medication at some point myself. Hang in there.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cheetah)))) Sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. You are understandibly depressed and PTSD over this ... who wouldn't be so soon after such a devastating discovery?! I have been exactly where you are and I can certainly offer my heartfelt empathy to you. He has made it very clear that if things are to change for you right now, you will have to be the one to change them. It takes time and lots of courage to muster up the strength!

I really hope you find something that makes you smile and feel good about yourself today. His mess is just that, HIS. Don't let SA rob YOU of contentment and happiness in the simple pleasures of YOUR life. They are still there, waiting for you to enjoy them. Actively seek them out and take them back!




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH watches TV shows like deal or no deal where they have a ton of girls. He also has a thing for Angelina Jolie and puts her movies on too!

I have a question about the lies. My SAWH says things like "someone" is using the cell phone (the one he used for phone sex w/AP). He says they called me (the phone company) to say that it was being used even after he shut it down last year; when I found out.

I think SA is using it again, but does your SA "project" lies like that. I know the addiction makes them come up with complex lies but I am getting worried about his mental health. He is ALWAYS blaming me for everything. My fault the kids didn't do homework, the bills aren't paid,etc.etc.

I know he erased texts off of my phone just from him only. When I asked him he says no and then says AND I can check his phone anytime. Even though we are in the D process and living together he still says things like "our" vacation next year, "our" retirement years.He is as low on himself as I have seen him in the 20+ years I have known him.

He responds when I pay him a compliment in front of the kids. Its like my compliments and approval mean something to him. But, he IS still in communication with AP. He gets tears in his eyes on the day this happens, makes me dinner,etc.

Any of your SA's like this?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, Torn. So far, when confronted with stuff, WH will fess up he did stuff, but the "why" is always not right. He still is very much in denial and rationalizing and negotiating. Still very entitled, like he told me yesterday his best friend was going to a conference, and I immediately said no you are not going, assuming that was why he was bringing it up. He said, no, of course not, so he was bringing it up to be congratulated for NOT going, I guess. I forget who said it in our last thread, but basically if an SA in not in active recovery they are an asshole, LOL. Maybe they still are after in active recovery, IDK, we haven't gotten that far yet. But if they are not in active recovery, you can expect lies, rationalizing, blameshifting, entitlement, etc.

And the "nice" behavior after offenses is totally familiar. To the point I am suspicious now every time he tries to do something nice for me. Another SA trademark, I'm sure.

Just know you are not crazy and you are not alone! ((hugs))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for this to be jumping all over the place.

First of all, of the BS's here, can you tell me where you are when it comes to having a relationship with your SAWH. Do you want to be in this relationship? If so, is your SAWH in active recovery plus showing remorse for all that has hurt you?

Or are you in the home, but not sure if this is the relationship for you anymore. Are you just waiting, biding your time, getting your "ducks in a row" to leave?

Or are you still with your SAWH, giving him time to get serious about active recovery and feel remorse for all of the pain he inflicted upon you. But yet in the back of your mind, not sure if you will ever be able to get past what he's done and question if you will ever feel anything for your SAWH again?

If you are there, giving him maybe in your mind "a set amount of time" to visibly prove to you his seriousness, how do you get by day by day? For me it's exhausting, I almost feel like my life is wasting away.

Quite honestly I hate my life right now. Time is just ticking away. It's been over 2 years since I first uncovered my first dday and I don't even want to go to my church anymore. We live in a small town where everyone knows everything (well, except for me since SAWH was able to cheat on me many times and I just blindly trusted him). Word in our congregation has now changed to "now seeing me as a fool for staying with SAWH". Makes me not want to go to church anymore.

My IC feels I should make a decision one way or another. I can't financially do anything right now, I'm "stuck". But yet I think "IF SAWH gets into a serious recovery, and IF SAWH can feel and show true remorse, and IF SAWH can learn how to treat me with love and respect, etc... I MIGHT want to try to work our marriage out. I'm not saying that it's a definite, but I THINK I MAY want to try.

My IC says I'm sitting on the fence...

I'm just so hurt by SAWH, hurt by "friends and churchgoers", and so confused...


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Momoffive....

I think I am fence sitting as well!

I love my H. Been with him 25 yrs. It has been alittle over a yr since DD, when I discovered a possible A. It has only been a month give or take since I am now feeling I am dealing with SA behaviors.

H has not admitted to the A, gets angry when I remotely even suggest he has a SA situation. He says I should know him better than that!

I am like you. Do I give it more time and see if he wakes up from the bad dream he created or do I just cut my heart out and get the D overwith and move on.

It is like I am grieving every single day for my loss. I hate to say it but if he had died...it would be hard but at least I would not have known anything and would just have closure of losing the man that I love and him loving me.

Now, I have these decision, questions, heartaches that I never had with him.

I am so angry that he put me in this position!

BUT what really saddens me is I am looking at the possiblity that he may never get it and may not have what it takes to make things right between us again.

I do not have the full picture. I only have bits and pieces. I just wish he would give me the rest of the pieces so I can make an informed decision.

THAT is what is making me sit on the fence. It just may come down to the point that not having those pieces will do me in and I will have to jump off the fence.

We are together. He is rugsweeping. He is in IC (with a IC, I realize is not good for SA), he is a good man but has problems here. I see small changes in his attitude and behaviour for the better. What saves me for falling into the rugsweeping trap is having the knowledge and surviellence to know that he is lying (mostly by ommission), He gives me kernals of truth but will leave things out.

Maybe it would have been enough, the changes I see in him. BUT today...no, I am not settling for crumbs.

I am not in a good frame of mind today so bear with me all. I posted more on general.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, seems I belong here. So many of your posts are like reading my own thoughts and feelings. I am 3 weeks from my latest dday, I am married to an sa who's skill level at lying and manipulating seems to have complete control over me. I am angry, hurt, betrayed and I too can't seem to watch anything on tv or movies that doesn't have sex involved. He is entering treatment program where he will be in for 42 days, but I feel like even though he's doing everything "right" we've been down this road to recovery before. I love him, but I just don't know how many more times I can do this, or even if our relationship is worth it anymore. My self esteem is at all time low. I don't even know where I'm at most of the time. All I have are questions with no answers.. Does it ever get better for the bs of a sa? Or if I stay is this my life..


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt94,

I just read your profile. I am so sorry about your sister's children. What a terrible tragedy.

How did it come about that your H is going into the program? Is he doing this on his own?

What help are you getting? Are you in IC. If not, please get one that deals with addictions preferrably a SCAT.

I have been to numerous IC over my lifetime and just recently found a SCAT and I have to tell you it is like night and day. You need someone who knows the extent of what you are dealing with.

I think each and everyone of us would like to know the answer to your question.
None of us knows how our lives will play out with this type of scenerio.

I am working on me...today I am angry. Tomorrow..well, who knows who I will be.

I am taking my days one at a time.

Problem for me is I KNOW that I can work things out. Same PROBLEM is that I don't KNOW if he can. That is the conflict.

All I can do at this point is take care of me. Find my boundaries, my voice and then when I am ready...place the consequences on the table.

I am not ready for that part yet. BUT I am glad that I now realize this. Before, I just felt so vague. I knew I needed to feel something, do something but it took some times to figure it out.

Try not to project. Think about what you need for today. Think about your health. Have you made an appointment and gotten tested for any STD's. Make an appointment with your Dr and get a physical.
Get a new hairdo, new clothes or something that you enjoy to do...read a book, listen to music.

Read, Read and read SI over and over. It may be overwhelming at times but slowly but surely...things will become clearer to you..what you need and want to do.

Sorry you are here..keep posting. (hug)


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momoffive
My possible SAWH is very remorseful and ashamed of what he has done. He says he hates himself and is having a hard time dealing with the shame and guilt he feels. Most days I want to stay in the relationship but I also have days that I think maybe I should just cut my losses and run. I question whether I can ever really put what he has done behind me. All the lies, all the OW, the porn. Some days it seems to much to bear. I'm still riding the rollercoaster of emotions. While he's actively trying to heal our relationship I'm willing to stay and try but he knows that one more slip up and we're done. I can't go through this again.

I also have trouble watching tv. It seems that almost every show has some form of infidelity in it. If I watch a show where someone cheats on their spouse it makes me sad. If someone resists the urge to cheat that makes me sad too as I wonder why my WH couldn't have said "no" too. I even saw a talk show today where a male guest was making light of people having affairs to spice up their stale marriages. He thought it was funny. I was sickened . No wonder affairs are so prevalent when they are glorified on tv .


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momto5:

First of all, of the BS's here, can you tell me where you are when it comes to having a relationship with your SAWH. Do you want to be in this relationship? If so, is your SAWH in active recovery plus showing remorse for all that has hurt you?First of all, of the BS's here, can you tell me where you are when it comes to having a relationship with your SAWH. Do you want to be in this relationship? If so, is your SAWH in active recovery plus showing remorse for all that has hurt you?

Do I want to try? I want to feel like I tried everything before I give up.
He is in a class with me, pursuing 12 step options and says he will go back to his CSAT after a long break. I still don't consider him in active recovery, he is in that early denial and negotiating phase.
He is remorseful and trying, but not enough for my taste.


Or are you in the home, but not sure if this is the relationship for you anymore. Are you just waiting, biding your time, or getting your "ducks in a row" to leave?

Yes, and I am getting my ducks in a row in case I need to leave.


Or are you still with your SAWH, giving him time to get serious about active recovery and feel remorse for all of the pain he inflicted upon you. But yet in the back of your mind, not sure if you will ever be able to get past what he's done and question if you will ever feel anything for your SAWH again?

Yes and yes. Is it sad that I am saying yes to all of it?


If you are there, giving him maybe in your mind "a set amount of time" to visibly prove to you his seriousness, how do you get by day by day? For me it's exhausting, I almost feel like my life is wasting away.

I told him I would wait a year before making any life altering decisions. But honestly I don't see how he will be in serious, active recovery in a year's time at the rate he is going. So it feels like I'm wasting my time. But I have to wait on the post nup to finalize anyway.

So I'm guessing we are feeling largely the same. Pretty discouraging, since you are so much farther out than me. Yay, look what I have to look forward to, LOL. It's like watching a train wreck, isn't it?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself nodding my head with each and every story. So many broken hearts. I want so badly to understand why my H acted out in this manner.

I've been reading the posts on Wayward - for SA's. It's been so helpful to me that tonight I asked my H to read some of the posts. I asked him if he could identify with any of them. Bad move! He just stormed off to bed saying I just want to keep harping on him. He says I AM THE ONE who won't take any responsibility for the problems I've caused in the marriage. (believe me, I have)

I feel so hopeless. He completely shuts me down and states he's ready to divorce because he can't stand any more interrogation. I know he is deeply ashamed. I know talking about this makes him extremely uncomfortable. But how can our marriage ever move forward if he refuses to address these issues for his own sake, never mind mine???

His defensiveness makes me believe he is still acting out in some form or fashion. He has no license currently, but his web history indicates he is googling house addresses in some rather unsavory parts of town. WTH???? I'm so afraid he's going to get hurt! I've tried to talk to him about this but he totally denies doing anything.

God help us all. How do people survive this kind of pain and betrayal????


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
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