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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Choosinghope)))
Please don't feel like you don't belong here. You do. Being or having been a partner of a SA has lasting consequences. And the truth is that the odds are against anyone staying with an SA, at least in a healthy relationship, long term. So never feel like you can't contribute, share, unload, vent. You are one of us, sistah!

I'm so sorry you had to see all that. I'm sure it was tremendously traumatizing. But maybe a little liberating? You saw that you did what you could, the CSAT did what he could, and WH chose to sabotage himself. You have the evidence if needed for court, or your own sanity.

Sabina, I think it's normal to want to maintain something positive with your partner, even if you have one foot out the door. As long as you aren't leading him on, or putting yourself at risk, etc. Detaching of course is still the goal. It just takes us a long time to get there.

And to both of you...I'm pretty sure considering divorce and what happens in that case is a normal part of recovery for any partner of SA, part of detaching and reclaiming yourself. So sharing that part of your story still helps us that are hoping we don't have to go down that path. Helps us see the reality of what may come. So please do share, it helps ME anyway, LOL.

Be strong. Be healthy. Be kind to yourselves.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hurt94)))) & ((((choosinghope)))

I feel so bad for both of you. I can feel the pain you are both in. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you hugs.

scaredyKat

Thanks for posting the points of the 'check-in' your FWH CSAT recommended. Can you share any other similar recommendations the CSAT has made.? We don't have any CSATs in our area or 12 step programs for SA so my FWH is just seeing a regular IC. While he finds ithe sessions he hasn't been given any "tasks" like you mention to complete. We both agree things like that would be helpful so I'm interested in hearing anything that others might be doing with their CSATs.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hathnofury~

You saw that you did what you could, the CSAT did what he could, and WH chose to sabotage himself.

^^^This. Thanks for pointing this out to ChoosingHope. I hope it hellps her to read this.

Be kind to yourselves.

I need to hear this too. thank you for saying so.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the posts, no matter which stage we are in, are very helpful to me. Thank you all!

I really screwed up last night. So much for detachment. I messaged WH's last OW on FB last night. She has not yet responded -- and now I hope she doesn't. What the hell did I do???? IF she responds, should I ignore her?

I called in sick to work today. I am falling apart. I cannot overcome this endless pain and sadness...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(hath)(sabina)(choosing hope)

we all belong here, even though our stories are different, we have a common bond and we all belong!

Can I ask all of you, I've read the 180, and I've read posts on here about how to keep from reaching out, but HOW DO I stop? I always feel so guilty if I dont reach out to him, ask him if he wants to do something fun? I have so much anger and pain and yet I miss him, and love him...he has called me unattractive, he has had affairs, lied to me about drugs, lied about most of our lives together and had two seperate lives, but i feel love for him...with what our family is dealing with besides his sa, i feel close to breaking...

Ghostwalker, just to let you know I emailed the ow as well, and it hurt like hell when she responded. In my case he told her he wasnt married, but did have children. She said was horrified to know she was in an affair, but then went on to tell me what they did wasnt wrong because it was just sex, neither wanted a romantic relationship and you can find a friend anywhere..can you believe it? However she was able and open to answering all the questions i emailed and she confirmed that my sawh story was true. I only contacted one of the four women, I couldnt go through with talking with anyone else. Not sure if this helps you but thought I would share it anyway, youre not alone, and its a journey not a screw up, our emotions take over sometimes, and we cant always help it. You have been betrayed, and seriously hurt, its traumatic and so please dont think of things you wish you hadnt done as mistakes but rather maybe a sidestep in your journey and you can put yourself back on the path you want to be on. If she responds simply delete it without reading if thats what you choose. There is no right or wrong when its your feelings.

Hugs to all of you.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy triple post! ;)

[This message edited by hathnofury at 4:21 PM, November 7th (Monday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy triple post batman!

[This message edited by hathnofury at 4:21 PM, November 7th (Monday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt. I don't know. That's why I'm in the course, going to IC, going to 12 step. WH is technically doing what I'm asking - going to the class, pursuing 12 step, being transparent, etc. So going 180 doesn't always seem to make sense, except when he does violate my boundaries/requirements. In some ways, he tries really hard - like right now he's leaving work early to help with the kids, some are sick and one is not and needs to be someplace. But in other ways, not so much - if he would go back to seeing a CSAT, any CSAT, he'd see how far in denial/bargaining/etc that he is in the initial stage of recovery, and that he will not be able to make any progress until he overcomes that. But I can't force the issue to make him recover, and am I not supposed to interact with him at all other than what is required for kids/finances?

IDK. We still coparent our kids. We still go on outings as a family. We go out to lunch together after our weekly class. We sit together every night, talk, cuddle while we watch TV, sometimes he gives me a backrub if I'm hurting. I like the idea of the four point check in, I may bring that up. But am I supposed to totally 180 and detach now, if he's trying? Yes, detach to put the focus on me and off him, but detach as in not interact at all? IDK. I need to be schooled, I guess.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope, thanks for your response. I feel like an idiot today. It helps to know I am not alone. Really.

Sisters, hugs and strength to all...

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 4:19 PM, November 7th (Monday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ghost))

Smack me if I'm outta line, LOL, but I'm worried about ya, Ghost. Specifically about you killing yourself over T-day dinner. I'm worried you will push yourself too hard, then you and WH will have some sort of altercation at the dinner. Or it will be so awkard for everyone because you both are seething. Is there a way to dial it down, make it less formal, have a temporary truce with WH, have your kids do a lot of the work, something? I know, I don't know anything about your particular situation at hand but I can see how in the right circumstances it could be a powderkeg, or worse not really much of anything for everyone else but totally kills you. Is there a way to avoid that for you? You got a big escape/me day planned on Black Friday at least?

Because that's what I do now. Faunch about other's problems to avoid my own.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath, you're so sweet to worry about me. Wish I could hug you. Thanksgiving is tough for me every year. It's a ton of work. My Mom is bringing the turkey, stuffing and gravy. My sister brings the pies. I am only responsible for the side dishes and making the house presentable, of course.

In 2004, my closest sister committed suicide. I hosted both Thanksgiving AND Xmas that year, because no one else in the family could pull it together. I am a STRONG woman! My H's multiple affairs and betrayals have almost been worse than my sister's death. I am grieving the man and the marriage I thought I had. It is another death.

I have survived all of this, along with grown children's serious health problems. Sadly, I am drinking more to deal with this. Thus, the drunken facebook message to OW. I know this is not a healthy way to cope, but I'm working on it.

Bless all of you! Your support helps me more than you will ever know...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you my dear friends. You each have truly touched me and givenme wisdom with your stories.

This is a safe place, a healing place, welcome to everyone who wants to vent or just to put the footprint of your life down.

I confronted OW. She lives 6 block from my house. Bad idea! Never again. What I have learned Sabina, ChoosingHope, Hath is that I too want to reach out to him. Its normal, we love them! My SAWH has just to send me the settlement agreement and if we agree, I will be D in Jan. He is even in denial about the D. He's dragging his feet.

Even now, I want him to come to breakfast with me, to hold me at nite, but I can't. I think to myself, he is not mine anymore. He is still in contact with OW. The other day I pointed out a trigger for him and he said to me "your crazy, your dilusional". 2 years later!!!! 2 years!!!

Sometimes you have to say that you did all you could. We can't control them. He doesn't care about the destruction of our family, marriage, the life we had. I don't see that man anymore, just someone manipulating me into staying for his own benefit. He is low, very low on himself. I can't take responsibility to be his everyday cheerleader. Neither can you.

Take care of YOU everyone. You're worth it!!!

Hugs....torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry, torn. I grieve with you. I am not far behind. Hugs to you, sweetie...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This board is an amazing place. When I think of all the darkness and ugliness that my husband has found on the Internet, I get so depressed. Then I come here, and I'm amazed to find so many strong and smart people reaching out to help each other.

Thank you all for the kindness. Last night I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. Thanks to this board, I felt a little bit better today, and I managed to meet with the attorney and go to my second COSA meeting. I am going to retain the attorney later this week. The divorce will happen, one way or another.

(Ghostwalker):
I hope you're not still feeling bad about sending your message to the OW. Your feelings and actions are completely normal and understandable - as opposed to HER actions and her lack of feelings.

I could tell you a few embarrassing stories about what I did when I found out about SAH's co-addict "friend." I emailed her, threatened her, called her and screamed all sorts of things. She couldn't care less about me. Nothing I could do with make her act any differently or with any more decency.

I [mostly] stopped caring about her at that point.

(Torn2Bits), (Sabina), (NotMeToo2011), and (Hurt94): thank you for your posts. I relate to each one of them in one way or another. This is truly a remarkable place. And (((HathNoFury))), thank you so much for the words, "Be Kind to Yourselves." I think we should all try to work on doing this for the rest of the week!

Now I have to update my profile with all new/old information that I rediscovered last night. I hope everyone sleeps well tonight.


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I dont know any of you out there I feel like I have old friends to share with! Its so great to read your posts to each other and even see some replies back to me, from people who say I understand and they really do understand! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings and opinions, even when no one knows the answers it is so helpful to just be able to share, and to read what others are going through. I was feeling so down today, so worthless and hopeless, and then came on here again for the who knows how many times lol and started to feel better, because I am not alone, none of us are. Take care all of you, keep posting and as a wise Hath told us all, be kind to yourselves! Thanks for that one Hath!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Been lurking and reading. Just want to send you all hugs and strength.

You all amaze me and give me inspiration.

I am getting sick again!! UGH! I think it is all the stress and I just don't think I fully recovered from the last bout of bronchitis.

Anyhow..a few days ago, I mentioned to H that we need to talk..you know. He just responded Yes, I know. BUT it was the first sincere I know I have heard in a long, long time.

Of course, we had a house full of kids and after that I hit the floor running with so many other things I had to do. They were good things...for me things so that part was good.

Then, I could feel myself getting sick. Last night all I could do was just get in bed, watch TV. I was so exhausted and didn't even care about anything.

At least, I feel like H knows I am not letting this go.

I went to my SCAT group therapy last week. It was interesting and sad at the same time. So many sad stories.

I couldn't really relate tho since all of them (5) had spouses and BF that have been diagnosed and/or admitted to everything regarding SA. I am still in the dark and I am hoping that when we finally do get the chance to talk...H will bring some light into this stuff.

Well, that is all I have to say for the moment.

Thank you for all your words of wisdom here...it really helps


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, another bad day here, and I'm a little nervous about posting these details.

My husband and his fellow sex-addict GF have been posting ads on Craigs List for all sorts of dangerous sex. It's hard to know for sure if it's them, but this week I spotted an ad that seemed to be written by them.

It was looking for a man for gay sex with my husband while his SA GF watched. Apparently it's the first time my husband has done with with a man.

In short, I answered the ad, pretending to be a man. I know, I know. I'm sure I shouldn't have done it for a million reasons, and I'm sure I'll get grief from my IC and others. But anyway, a minute after I answered the ad, one of SAH's email aliases showed up on my screen. Yes, it's him. He even sent me photos of himself and his SA GF.

So, I've really done it this time. Found out more than I ever wanted to know. I was married to this man for 15 years. We have a five-year-old and a six-year-old who think he walks on water.

I feel so sick right now. Anonymous sex with men. He wasn't even planning on meeting this man before he had sex with him - he and his SA OW were just going to waltz into a random apt. in this big, dangerous city we live in.

I am sick. I can't believe this is my life.I think I have PTSD.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 2:54 PM, November 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ChoosingHope))) OMG. I cannot imagine. Can you use any of this as evidence in custody? I'm just thinking IDK if you should try to collect any more unless it's to aid a court case or is a way to get him arrested. It's going to drive you insane. And if you wanted to do those things, I think it's time to pay a PI do to them and not do it yourself. Time to take care of yourself first, and that's not going to help.

So I went to my first S-Anon meeting today. It took me 45 minutes to get there, it is not close. There were only five people, and two of us were there for the first time, a third was there for a second time. Just like in group, all very different manifestations of SA but very similar manifestations in the spouses/partners. There was a bit of secular stuff, but not much and certainly wasn't off-putting to me at all. This is a fairly new group that got displaced (their original meeting building burned down) so they are still small right now, don't have childcare, etc. The other meetings in my metro are larger but equally far away, and would require me travelling during rush hour, so that's not possible right now.

It was very enlightening and made me feel hopeful. I have another means of support. I wasn't expecting it to take so much time to get there, and the meeting to run so long. They have an optional hour meeting beforehand that they use to do step work, and I attended both that and the regular meeting today. So it's going to take a bit of finessing to get it in my schedule, cost a little more childcare than I was expecting, but I definitely see it's necessary for me.

I highly highly recommend all of you go to some sort of 12 step, co-dep meeting, something. SA-specific if you can. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to be in a roomful of women that understood what I was going through. It was very powerful.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheetah, if it's any comfort I am sure all of you in your group have been lied to, and most if not all are still either being lied to or not admitting to all truths. So in that respect you relate to all of them. IME everyone has the same plotline, just on different points on said plotline, subplots vary, but the thing is the SPOUSES/PARTNERS are all affected the same way regardless of the subplots or where they are on the timeline. You will see it the more you go, I promise.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH, I am so sorry you have found out about this additional acting out scenerio. It is my fear, that H might have acted out with M also.

He says No and he is not gay. I don't have any hard core proof other than him visiting an ABS which is primary male attractions there.

My gut says no. I trust my gut. BUT I never would have thought alot of things and here they are in front of me to put a big ?? where there was none before.

I agree..can this information be used for custody and visitation pertaining to the kids. I would not trust him to visit the children alone. Maybe he is good with the kids but what if he brings them around to this partner of his. These are deviant behaviors and the children must be protected. I would hate to think that they could be victims in this situation.

As much as this hurts, maybe it was good for you to know so you can stick with the facts to help you detach and move on.

Keep posting!! (hug)


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
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