Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks HNF,
I just envy those that get disclosure or something right from the beginning.

I guess for now I am grateful that the OW situation came about..I mean, I am not happy there was an OW but it helped shine the light on this other situation.

I hear what you are saying. I am not making light of what these other members have gone through..they are just in a different place than me. I am going to take whatever I can learn and use it for me. I am a true believer that there is always something to learn even if it doesn't make sense at first.

Tomorrow is my 2nd meeting. I may look into SA groups tho cause this is thru the SCAT and although I shouldn't have..it crossed my mind a few times..that she is killing 5 birds with one stone. She just sat there and said very little. AND my daughter is in the field and has mentioned several times about doing group therapy cause it will take up less time in her day and make more money in the hour.

I will take it one meeting at a time to see if it benefits me.

Thanks again. Hope you are having a decent day!


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheetah, I find it interesting that you are the only one without some sort of real disclosure in the group. Because in my two groups, I am the only one, except one other person who has gone through formal facilitated disclosure, that feels like they've had significant disclosure. Three have been surprised with law enforcement at their door, for example. I guess it's all a random lottery when you put a room of us together.

What helps me, and you have to get past the initial intros because that is largely about the SA and not the spouse/partner, is to hear what they share subsequently. Then you see yourself in others. I was highly resistant to the whole co-dep thing. Then I listened to seven other women share their co-dep traits with examples, and I had at least one example in common with each of them. Stupid crap, like I would always buy the generic soda because it was cheaper, even though I didn't like it, while my WH has no issues spending money on whatever he wants and thinks it's ridiculous I do so. It took someone else saying that to realize that's what I do. And now it's a running joke in our group, no one is allowed to buy generic soda anymore.

It's really surprising how you hear other's stories, and think why don't they do X, and then turn that thought inward and think, well, why aren't *I* doing X? Or you hear how someone dealt with something, or how they had an epiphany, and you learn something new, either a new coping tool or mini breakthrough, whatever. Today, one member shared how upon initial discovery she dived headfirst into a new hobby that is easy to go overboard in. I share that same hobby, and also went a bit overboard with it when I started. Guess when I started that hobby? When my WH claims the acting out started. He didn't state that specifically, it happens to coincide with the date. Now I'm wondering if I knew something was up on a subconscious level and I used that hobby as a means of escaping my impending reality. I would not have put that together in IC, I know.

The group leader told me today, she tells everyone to try six meetings before they commit to a group. Not necessarily six of the same group or organization meeting, although they can, but six of any meeting to understand how the process works and see how it plays out in your head over time. I think that's wise. I can already see the difference in my third meeting in my class and the first two. I cannot wait to see the difference in the 12 step, because it's a different format and a different mix of people.

Just saying, give it a chance. Maybe it might help more than you think.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to thank every single poster in this thread for taking the time and effort to post here. I am very isolated where I live. No CSAT's and no S-Anon meetings. This board is all I really have right now except Al-Anon and you are saving my sanity.

My heart goes out to every single one of you as well. This is a very strange hell we are all in and I'm sure none of us ever dreamed we'd be here.

But it is so very helpful not to feel alone. Not to feel like my husband is some freak of nature (he IS but he's not the ONLY freak). I know that when I tell him things I've read here they do help him as well.

We are in R and he is completely honest and open with me about what he was/is feeling and what he did. We are both working to uncover the reasons why he had this manifestation of his disease. The short answer is that he stopped working his AA program and going to meetings. He didn't start drinking so the disease got him in another area. We weren't having as much sex as he'd like, we had drifted apart, he'd lost his career of over 30 years (the ONLY thing he'd ever done!) and were moving 3,000 miles away. He turned to internet porn and masturbation. After awhile it wasn't enough (just like a junkie). He started responding to ads on CL and emailing but not actually meeting up. Then when that wasn't enough he started the meet ups. He responded to CD's because it felt less like cheating and it was so taboo. All the while he was filled with self loathing and fear. He wanted to stop, but couldn't. And each time he gave in he felt worse and worse. He didn't think he could ever tell me and that just drove him further into despair.

Along comes his XW (who is a recovering heroin addict) and she was the ear he needed. I was 3000 miles away and she was there. She was "safe" because she was an addict and I'm not. He had half-assed plans to leave me for her because then he'd never have to tell me what he was.

He says when I caught him the first feeling he had was relief. Once he admitted the SA behavior to me the spell of the XW was lifted (he uses the term fog ironically). He has committed fully to our marriage and his R. He is doing every single thing I am asking him and doing it with good will.

When he slips and starts to blameshift of rugsweep I call him on it and we talk. We are forming a stronger marriage than we had before.

Having said that, I'm not relaxing yet. I know we have a long, hard road ahead. I just wanted to post something positive in hopes that it might help someone else the way you have all helped me.

I know that I am one of the very lucky ones that my SAWH snapped out of the fog so quickly and has been so fully committed to his and our R. I also know that with an addict things can change for the worse very quickly so today I am hanging onto the positive and the peace that I have. I still cry every day and I still have a hard time with mind movies and the ick factor of what he did. We still have STD testing to come.

Thanks for giving me a safe place to come and safe people to talk to.

I am constantly impressed with the strength, courage and spirit of the people on this site and this thread in particular. I would love to name you all individually but it would take too long. ((HUGS)) to each of you.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. Yes, I agree. I will be doing no more stalking or spying at this point. It's insane. And it's too traumatic for me. I had a friend goading me on the entire time; she wanted me to have more proof when it comes to custody. I live in a joint-custody, no-fault state, but if necessary I will use this and other info as leverage to get my husband to be reasonable re: custody. For example, no overnights. I might also be able to use it to force him into some sort of treatment before he is allowed to see the children regularly. That would be a miracle.

I've decided that my husband has no bottom. I'm sure of it now. Right now, at this very minute, he is having sex with a stranger, a man, and his SA OW is watching them and maybe participating.

Or he might be dead in someone's apartment. Or stabbed or raped or whatever.

I did call him in the afternoon and begged him not to do it. He pretended he didn't know what I was talking about, and then he basically hung up on me.

I will call the attorney tomorrow and map out a plan to protect myself and my children during the separation. I will pay her retainer tomorrow.

Cheeta, I don't know about the gay issue. I've been following some online conversations about it, and I'm still undecided about my husband. I did read somewhere that the vast majority of sex addicts do end up with same-sex partners at some point. I just don't know if it's because they need more and more thrills, or they run out of willing females, or if they are so hyper-sexualized that they just don't care about gender at some point?

It's all a mystery to me. And not a good one. Cheeta, I'm so sorry you are dealing with it - I hope that more info comes into the light soon. I'm learning that with sexual addiction, you can't ignore unpleasant or scary things, and no matter what, it's better to know the facts, no matter how painful. Ugh.

I need a good night's sleep. Thank you, all. I hope you all have a peaceful night.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh...hugs to you all! Wow--this thread is busy! That's a good thing.

Gotta run, but wanted to tell GhostWalker that *I* almost texted the 2 Asian Hookers who my SA WH is texting/calling all day and night--24-7. I'm talking 1:00 and 3:00 in the a.m. I don't know HOW he has time to work! His addiction is just so advanced now. Thank God I don't have to live with him anymore! (sep. for past 2 years).
Anyway, I am very tempted to text them/mess w/ them...lol!
He's INSANE.
Fecking JackAss.
I know I shouldn't, but I still might do it...heh. He KNOWS I can see our shared family cell bill, so I DID text him about his idiocy.

Hang in there, Everyone. And so happy for those that found S-Anon groups to go to! It's wonderful!


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for sharing your struggles and triumphs. OW f*cking phoned the H today to rat me out re facebook contact. So glad they got to chat. (sarcasm) To H's credit, he told me immediately.

Still looking into moving out. He's neither admitting to, nor seeking help, for his addiction. So be it.

I can't fix him. He seems remorseful today. BFD!!! I asked him to give me a reason to stay. He lurrrves me. Right! Stay strong everyone! This is a rough ride...

Big hugs...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ghost, I've been thinking of you. Glad to see you're so feisty today! You are giving me strength, thanks.

"Stay strong everyone! This is a rough ride..."

Good words. Thank you! And same to you.



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too just want to thank everyone for posting! What a courageous bunch of people! I'm still so new, and have yet to be able to face enough to post every day or even to go into details but its so comforting to know there's si and people who understand. I have found an S-Anon meeting for spouses of sa but have yet to muster up the courage to actually go, and the posts from those of you who have is starting to give me some courage so bless you! On a positive sah is doing everything right, has 11 days until he enters full 42 day inpatient program. I am very skeptical of our future but for now he deserves some credit for what he is doing. Hugs and prayers to all. Take care and again to quote Hath "be kind to yourselves"


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question that maybe you guys can shed some light on...

Are the mean things my sah says because of his sa? He says the shallow things about what a woman should look like etc and the cooments he's made to me about my body etc are because of his sa and that treatment will change his mind so that he can find me attractive enough...is this normal?

Thanks


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, Hurt. I imagine addicts of any kind, when they are not in active recovery, and especially when they are still in blameshifting/rationalizing mode, say all kinds of hurtful things. I know mine did, not specifically about my appearance or anything, but hurtful things in general, not always on purpose. I think mostly, when their lives become unmanageable and out of control, they get all angry and cranky and unreasonable. I know I do, I'm still struggling with it, and I'm not even the addict.

I do know, since he started going the CSAT and the classes, and now the 12 step, I have noticed a change in his attitude and disposition. He seems calmer, happier, and he says nice things more often. He still has his moments of a-holiness, LOL, but he actually apologizes for it relatively quickly afterwards now.

IDK if that's what you are looking for. I've heard withdrawal of affection and advances are normal when acting out and when in early recovery. My WH has never said hurtful things about my appearance or not wanted me sexually, really. Our sex life did not wane on his behalf when he acted out in the past, only mine, if at all. But he was/is highly compartmented and a control freak, so that fits his MO. I think it is probably driving him bonkers having to do the abstinence for so long. But he has never been textbook, LOL.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt, honey, my H was mean as hell when he was acting out, but he never criticized my appearance. He said he always found me attractive and desirable. He just needed more sex than I was giving him. Whatever!!!!

I do think their "guilt" causes them to vilify us in order to justify their sick behavior. Don't listen to him! If it wasn't your appearance, it would be something else. Stand tall, lady and don't let him screw with your head!!!

Hugs, sweetie...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Going out of town for a few days but I want to comment on the last question...I struggle frequently with the issue of "why was he so nice to them and so mean to me?" My dear IC had some insight.

Besides the irritability of addicts in general, it had to do, in my SAFWH's case with needing to push me away. He LOVED his isolation, his fantasy world. Whenever I tried to get close, it threatened that life. So the meaner he was, the more I pulled away, especially considering my FOO issues. Of course, then I was a cold b*tch...it was a wonderful dynamic.
Be well everyone.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt, Ghostwalker is right. My SA has been mean, crabby and a bastard at times, but never, never criticized my appearance. When they are "in cycle"; sense of entitlement, withdrawal symptoms, needing a fix; that's when they are real bastards. Mine thinks of something sexual or whatever he does in the bathroom and then is super nice.

The real thing Hurt for me in that situation would be that I don't really need to take that type of verbal abuse from anyone. I don't take it from strangers and certainly won't from someone who is supposed to love me.

I do think my SA would rather D me then to tell me his secrets. That's a real hard pill to swallow, but its the truth.

Do you think they "know" their lying to us? Mine lies about responding to a message he didn't even respond to.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your SA really deceptive? My SAWH has been going thru my phone. He deleted text only from him. He also was asking the kids about a nite I went out when he was at work. I got a babysitter.

Do you guys have any clue why he would be doing these things?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This board is really my lifeline right now. I can't believe how much I can relate to your posts.

Besides the irritability of addicts in general, it had to do, in my SAFWH's case with needing to push me away. He LOVED his isolation, his fantasy world. Whenever I tried to get close, it threatened that life.

Scaredy Cat, this sums it up for me. Yes, my husband LOVES his isolation, his double life, his fantasy world. LOVES isn't even a strong enough word. It's like air to him - he feels like he can't live without it at this point. Throughout our marriage, he has never been mean, but when he's acting out, he's always kept me at arm's reach, controlling me, being defensive and condescending and distant until I gave up and stopped believing my own instincts. We had fights, but I could rarely prove anything, and then he got to continue his stuff in peace. I'm beginning to think that he encouraged the fights and even possibly escalated them because after each fight I just gave up trying to prove anything. It was just too upsetting and unpleasant for me.

I do think my SA would rather D me then to tell me his secrets. That's a real hard pill to swallow, but its the truth.

Torn2bits: my husband walked out on me the day I found his 3000 pages of sexts to the OW and others, detailing all the depravity. So yes, I discovered his secrets, and he would rather D me and basically walk out on his kids than face me since I know his secrets.

In fact, he hasn't been able to look me in the eye for nine weeks. Hasn't bothered to try to explain. Has given up and written me off. A friend told me that the day I found out the REAL truth about him is the day he decided he will never even look at me again.

And I've been married to him for 15 years. A marriage that's hung on because we genuinely like each other so much when this stuff isn't going on.

It all makes more sense now. I have so many regrets.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find so much truth in these posts...

When I uncovered H's Ashley M account and an another account with "locked" photos, he took his home laptop to work. I asked questions, naturally, and he shut me down. Hard. He has taken every step to ensure I uncover nothing else. I was getting too close to the down and dirty.

Now suddenly, he's willing for me to move into a rental home because it might not be "a bad idea to separate for awhile". He WOULD rather D or S than tell me his secrets! So true!

I'm so glad I found this place. It's like we share a secret language that few understand. Hugs to all, I have a long work day ahead...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in quick to say hi to everyone & give each of you hugs. SAWH vilifies many things about me, but doesn't mention anything about my body. To the people who mentioned deception & lying & secret keeping: SAWH does all of these things & I suspect he'd rather S or D than reveal. I don't know though. We're playing a shell game with each other, actually. He knows I know he's hiding shit & we pretend noting is happening. Stupid game & it's a complete lie on both of our parts, but for now 'playing house' is helping me.

On another note: 13 & 14 November is one date when I have confirmation that SAWH had sex with one of his regular partners. So far I'm ok, but I might need some serious hand holding this weekend.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A big group hug to everyone here. I havent posted much because I dont feel like I have good advice to offer. Im doggy-paddling to keep my head above water myself and still nearly drowning.

Well I have a question. What constitutes a slip?

Ive been out of town but, to make a long story short...
I saw on my keylogger that he right clicked on a boob video and the menu came up, but he didnt appear to click on any of it. He saw the boob video in the sidebar of youtube when he was watching something related to cameras, so he was not looking for it. But he was definitely curious to see it!
It appears that he didnt watch it but im wondering what he right clicked for! To open in a new window(he doesnt usually do this). To somehow get around being found out? But how?
Also some history is missing but I cant find anything showing him deleting it.

We had a discussion before I left that I hoped he would tell me even if he accidentally saw a woman in provacative pose or even thought about seeing something innaproppriate and that it would build trust. He promised he would, but he hasnt really. We had a fight yesterday and I lost hope he will tell because I think he only would have if and when he feels close.

I will check back in a bit, have to go for now.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, DP. That's a gray area for me, if I can't *prove* he was looking at something inappropriate or deleted/hid files. For example, the email account I use to send all my keylogger files, it shows all kinds of inappropriate ads on the sidebar, but obviously I don't click them. So just cuz a window/ad is there doesn't mean anything unless it was clicked on.

I think it's worth bringing up for discussion tho, however you want to broach it. I'm finding that if I don't keep discussing these kinds of things, he gets lax. Like yesterday, he sent me a text asking where *I* was, because I went somewhere with the kids I said I might go a few days before. I hadn't told him, because I was just going to reply when he sent a text that he was coming home. Well, he didn't text, he went home and was home for an hour before he bothered to text me. That was not our agreement. He is supposed to report all his whereabouts until I feel like he doesn't have to anymore. I mean, I can tell he was home for that hour because of stuff he did around the house (put out all the lawn trash, etc) but that is not our agreement. So we will have to discuss that again I can tell.

A lot of it is on me, really, because he probably thinks I am more trusting of his whereabouts, computer use, etc than I really am because he does not know I keylog and GPS him. THAT is what I trust, and allows me peace of mind, not his actions, yet anyway. I need to see a longer period of doing what he says until I can trust *him*. But I can't really discuss that with him in depth, can I?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm seeing a lot of posts about agreements and trust. I feel like I need to put some firm "rules" in place until he goes into treatment, is this acceptable of me or is it me trying to control him? We have zero trust, and I feel like its ok to ask him for whatever I need to even begin rebuilding that for as long as it takes? What do you guys think? I value all your posts and advise so much. I'd be lost w/o you and si. Take care all, be strong.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.