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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Cool  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the issue of boundaries vs control is so hard. it does help if you look ast it from the pov of Barbara Steffens in her book YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE. I believe you have the right to ask for whatever makes you feel safe( r)
And at some point you can begin again to trust but verify. I have. When I was ready. Unfortunately, he's had a recent slip that I talked about here, porn but not quite porn. That sets me back. But I'm getting better faster than I would have of we weren't dealing with out within the framework of a program and with CSAT.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a really good post about presenting boundaries here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

I used this to present my boundaries/requirements to feel safe. So for example, I didn't tell him NO PORN! I did the whole "when you...I feel...I want...If you...I will" thing.

I used this for all my boundaries, including:
Reporting whereabouts at all times by text. In the beginning he also sent my pix from his phone to prove where he was, but I don't need those anymore.
Transparency with all online accounts. I have all passwords to everything, and he knows I randomly check.
Transparency with phone. I have the password and can look at it any time I want. And I can check the phone records with our provider.
No private browsing or deleting history on the computer. No doing anything on the computer he would not be willing to do while his kids watched over his shoulder. He knows I check the history and I know how to check for deleted files.
I have money in an account in
MY name only, enough to move out with the kids if I needed. This makes me feel safe.
I have a safe deposit box and a PO box in my name only. He does not and is not allowed to. He is the one that has to earn the trust, not me. The fact that I let him know I have them is my end of the trust.
Obviously no strip clubs, etc monkey business type stuff at all.
No trips without me.
No sex toys or boner pills.
He understands another instance of infidelity is a dealbreaker.
He must be in some sort of IC and 12 step.
He needs to get a sponsor so I am not his accountability partner.

In addition, he does not know I have a keylogger, I used to have spyware on his phone, and I have a passive GPS logger at my disposal. So I can verify computer stuff and his whereabouts if I want to, but I'm trying to step away from that.

HTH!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So told WH last night that the not texting me the other day that he came home bothered me, that I have been having a lot of anxiety. He apologized, said he'd text every move, asked if he should send pix again like he did in the beginning. Zero resistence, total compliance. Hmmm. That was a refreshing change.

Then fast forward to this morning. Our daughter is sick, fever, vomiting. I say I guess I better cancel my IC appointment, and that I probably will have to pay for it anyway since it's less than 24 hours. He says, what do you expect, with three kids in activities? all pissylike. :headscratch: Um, I'm not sure what three kids in activities have to do with anything, I could have ONE kid in no activities, and I'd still have to cancel my appointment. But I didn't say anything. I know it's not reasonable for him to take two specific hours out of his workday on such short notice, but he didn't have to be an a-hole about it.

Then after his shower he says he can move his schedule around, so I can go. After I called and cancelled, of course. Says he's going to watch the sick one and the 3YO and have a conference call at the same time. I ask what he's going to do if she throws up while he's on his call? Says he'll deal with it as it happens, it will be on mute because he just has to listen and not really contribute. Sigh. While I'm grateful to be able to go, it's not like I think he deserves a parade.

So I guess I am going to go to my first IC under a bit of duress. That sounds about right.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath honey, so glad you got to go to ic! I'm sorry he was cranky though, but glad in the end he stepped up for you. None of my business, but maybe, if he's anything like my wh, he is anxious or nervous about ic for you. Mine gets cranky when I post or go to counseling bc he's afraid everone will tell me to leave him, if not for the A's then for the drugs and verbal abuse and emotional abuse, so he gets cranky. Good luck to you, take care and way to go I'm proud of you.
On another note I know I ask a lot of quesyions but I'm such a newbie! Hysterical bonding: I feel a need for it but wh not interested in me...just like the last few years, any suggestions?


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not having a good 2 days. alot of sh*t going on at work as well which is just adding poundage to my already overloaded brain and body.

anyhow, at my group scat meeting..it was brought up about being happy. What would make us happy. What is the void we are trying to fill in this whole mess.
What is the child in us fighting for and why do we stay and act the way we do in our situations.

Whew...I really felt happy and strong that day while sharing. BUT today is another story.

I woke up this morning and the word WORTH tore at my heart.

I am sitting here crying cause I realize the void I am dealing with is WORTH.

My child want to feel WORTH the work, WORTH not to be treated as such.

This is the first time I have truly cried in over a year.

I realize my H actions do not define me. BUT the little girl in my wants so badly for that reconition that I am WORTH the fight, WORTH my feelings.

I was sexually abused growing up by my Aunt's H. I was lied to about my Father, told he was dead..when he wasn't. My Father was not a good man, so it was done to "protect" me. I learned very early not to trust but I was desparate for that trust. I felt for a long, long time that I must've deserved that abuse because I was a child born out of wedlock? That was the only reason I could come up with that made sense to my childlike mine.

So today I am realzing that I am/was WORTH so much more than I was given. Was all of it bad in my childhood..no but I have to explore these things to understand how I got to this point again in my life.

Where did my voice go? I feel like my whole life has been a series of standing up for myself. Just when I thought I was with a person that had the same values etc and was someone that I could trust and would take care of me..cherished my WORTH..I feel like it was all taken away from me and I am back to square one...being abused all over again..helpless, scared and not one person was in my corner. Not that they could be cause they didn't know...
I know in my heart had I told my Mom..she would have been a momma bear but I didn't have a voice to do that then.

O...I have to sign off..I can barely see this screen.

will be back later cause i have a question or two for you guys.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheetabump I am sorry for your pain and sadness. Pls know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had more to say, some comfort to offer. Be well. Look forward to later posts.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cheetah))

If it makes you feel any better, whenever WH and I "discuss" (aka argue) about what he does/reacts/etc, I bring that up almost every time. You do the right thing by me, because I am WORTH doing the right thing for. I think he needs to hear it any time I feel I am not worth it. Because if I'm not then get the hell out.

Hurt, what WH's CSAT told me was that in the beginning of recovery, abstinence is critical, ideally for both. So you can realize your issues are not about sex per se, and you have the clarity to see all the things wrong in your life that needs to be fixed. And for the WS, the fog lifts a bit and they are able to focus on all the things they need to do. This I can personally vouch for is happening in my WH right now. Nto perfectly, of course, but there is definite progress.

Then after whatever prescribed length of sobriety, you have to start slow and make sex about intimacy. Because the SA needs to be rewired so sex is not just an escape/release, it is an intimate bonding experience. But we have not gotten there yet, so I don't have much to say about that.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cheetah)) Thinking about your post and wanting to give you a big hug. Sending prayers your way!

xx ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HNF,

My SAH and I just ended an 8 month abstinence period. Our Csat gave us nightly intimacy activities to share feelings and read books together, plus a weekly sobriety check-in night. I believe this 8 months has helped my SAH get much of the gook out of his brain. The intimacy activities were key have helped us both talk and listen to each other each night. Makes ending the abstinence period way less uncomfortable.
ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm back from my IC. I think she's going to be a really good fit. I feel so comfortable with her. Being the first meeting, it mostly about figuring out where I'm at and what my history is, so I don't have a whole lot to report yet. But I have a good feeling about it.

Somebody is going to have to miss class tomorrow. Miss Thing is still sporting a high fever and unable to keep much down. I'm thinking it's probably WH because I've missed two classes and he's only missed one. I hate for either of us to miss but it's not like we have much choice.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cupcake, that is so encouraging. It will be six months for us in December. IDK if it will be longer than that, I want to hear thoughts from my IC and his IC before we sally forth in that area. That may be the kick in the ass WH needs to get him back in IC, reminding him that I want that input before even considering proceeding, LOL. For now I'm going to try that four point check in until we get other assignments.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, my wh csat did discuss the abstinence period with him and my ic did as well. Both agree that bc we have had virtually no sex in our marriage for a few years that abstinence may not be the best thing, although what you said about it needing to be healthy and about intimacy and not an escape is right on. Guess we will just have to keep working on it! I really hope you're little one gets better soon! Poor thing!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cheetah)))

Sending lots of hugs your way.

I really believe that SAs do recognize the worth of their spouses. They love their spouses. They start out with good values. It's the addiction that makes them act out in ways that betray the things they value most.

It's been a few hours since your post - I hope you're feeling just a tiny bit better. I'll be thinking of you. Please post again soon.



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are hurting cheeta :( Big hugs to you hon.

hathnofury, glad to hear you made it there and found a good counselor. I so need to get on that myself.

cupcake, I would love to hear more about those exercises. Sounds like you have made some good progress.

((hurt94)) I havent been around this forum much lately but welcome to the group. I dont know what I would have done without the support I found here. Dealing with SA spouse is so alienating.
We were also almost not having sex for the last few years. HB helped me, but then he made some comments that changed how I felt (not exactly about my body but more about performance) I hate him for that. And now I have definitely noticed his 'wanting' me waning. Whether or not I want to, I want to be wanted! A lot. It sucks.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drivingpast. Thank you so much for sharing! So far I haven't encountered anyone who's husband made comments like that to them! Mine has made comments about my body and its destroyed me but also in the last few years I've gone from a size 22 to a 5 dropping almost 100 pounds and his comments started after weight loss and I am starting to feel it was his own insecurites since he has gotten larger.I totally understand the wanting to be wanted its exactly what I've wanted for the last few years and for some reason after dday more than ever!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cheetah))) Your post breaks my heart, sweetie. You have great worth, I am so sorry the key people in your life have let you down. You have your SI family in your corner. You are not alone!!!

Hugs and strength to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt I posted a bit to you about this but let me be a bit more direct since it is apparent you are still struggling. BTW I am posting on my kindle so formatting and grammar will suck.

I am short. 5 foot. I have always been a normal weight somewhere between 103 to 110. At age 42 I started to work out so by 48 I was pretty toned and looking good. But we had little or no sex life. And when we did he could not climax. A form of impotence btw. Frankly sex was NOT intimate it felt like a continuation of the guarded battle he was fighting with me every day. Ultimately he was unable to be aroused with me at all on the rare occasions we tried.
I tried everything. I read books. I asked him to read books. I asked him to seek medical help. Finally one day I implored him to please tell me what was going on why would he not try to fix this? What was wrong? So he screamed at me "Your body DISGUSTS me:"
Now I believe it was his way to keep me away. To get me to back off. It sure did that. And it still hurts like hell to remember it.
The worse part is that I let disclosure and my need to SEE that he was home and not porn surfing send me into such a funk that I stopped working out in 2009. And now my body disgusts ME.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:14 PM, November 11th (Friday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ARGHHHHH!!! WH just went to bed and I checked his web history. He's back to checking his hotmail account (connected to Ashley Mad.) He swore up and down this account was closed. Effing POS liar!!! He brought his effing Iphone to bed!!!

He also googled how to erase his web history! I didn't confront him. I'm just so tired of this shit! I need to get away from him. Our finances are in a shamble thanks to his addiction! I can't really afford to move out. I don't know how to do this anymore. Help me figure this out --- please!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredyKat

Thanks for the directness. I need that, so fresh out and still wanting to believe if I can fix myself things will be better, but i know that's not the case. I am definately going to start taling about this at ic instead focusing on wh issues, i think i need to focus on my own... i really appreciate your frankness thank you so much


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghostwalker, Im so sorry honey! Its so hard to find out we cant trust them on simple things.

Did you find this in keylogger or just general history?

Did he do anything bad in the hotmail? I want to let you know this (in case you dont), because I really wish I had known sooner-- hotmail has something that you can retrieve deleted items as long as its within a certain amt of time. So in case he deleted things you may still be able to see it.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
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