I wish my husband had gone for inpatient treatment. Now it's too late. So I'm sending lots of prayers your way, Hurt94.
I know it must be hard for you. Everything is so unknown at this point. I hope that he gets it and works that program!!!
Take time for yourself and think about what you want out of life. Be sure to keep up with IC for yourself as well.
I hear you about being careful of saying..hasn't hit internet yet, only at certain times of the day etc.
What really hit me was when my SCAT asked me if I needed to wait for it to escualate (am I spelling that word right?!LOL)
before I confront him. At first, I thought she was saying that I was responsible for him to esculate. Then, it hit me..that I don't need for it to get worse in order to admit there was a problem.
I managed to say to H on a phone call this evening that we need to find time and privacy to talk. He said maybe we have to go out or something. I am being guarded here cause he isn't being defensive and I am thinking he will be once I let him know how I feel.
I realize there is no perfect way to deal with this, no perfect words to say, no perfect setting to soften the hard words that will come from me and him.
I don't know how much more my heart can break.
I get angry that the world has allowed the porn to get to this point, on TV, on the internet, on almost every street corner. What is going to become of our future generations?
Well, sorry...just a mini rant there.
Most of you seem to have some sample of the truth. Mine has lies of omission as well.
Yes, please do something for yourself. One tinh that is stupid that I do is shave my legs good and lotion up. Sounds silly but smooth legS feels nice.
I'm so glad someone else responded first. Yeah, it *might* just be lunch and breaks now, but it will escalate if it already hasn't. It's not healthy to sit in a parking lot (or wherever) because you HAVE to watch porn. And even if technically he is not violating any company policies by doing it outside the building, someone knows what he's doing by now.
I can tell you, because my last full time job I hated so much I couldn't wait to get out for lunch every day. My last few months there, I just had our first child and was nursing. I had to pump at least once, often 2 or more times, to get through the whole day. I often would take my pump out in the car, go to Popeyes and get fried chicken and biscuits and pump and eat in the car. I could do it without exposing myself, but if you actually bothered to look in the car you could see I was hooked up to something. It wasn't long before everyone knew. Not that this is something to be ashamed of, but it would be a different matter if I was watching porn in the car.
Like I said, I don't have issues with porn itself. When it replaces your partner, you have to go to excessive lengths to get your "stash", you spend an excessive amount of time and money to get it, and it's a secret from your partner - that's a different story. That points to addiction.
There is a lady in my group, her adult daughters found her H's extensive stash. They very aggressively confronted him and trashed it all. You cannot imagine the fallout on BOTH of them from that. Ask your WH if that is something he is willing to risk. Because it's possible.
((hugs)) I feel so bad for those that are embarrassed to seek help because WH only has a porn addiction. It's ALL bad and ALL leads to escalation in an addict, and the pain and fallout is still the same as more culturally extreme behaviors. This I have seen firsthand, this I know, even as early in the game as I am.
I agree with every single word you said, Hath and more!!
I see the esculation. I now know what I am dealing with. I am not sure I can handle it.
I have a tremendous headache to day..work up with it! I know, I know....I feel like a pressure cooker building. I am crying more. I couldn't cry for a year. Now I am crying..mourning my relationship.
He work up cold and detached this morn.
I think the same thing...Hath...He is sitting in the car..watching porn?!!
God, it is just so sick to me. He is sick and I feel so helpless over this.
We are celebrating DS's 30th birthday today! UGH..and I feel like my mood tanked big time.
I am so sad..it is pathetic.
Believe me I wish I could go back to the days of his sa being only porn!! I have waited for so long for his treatment and have been where you're at I feel for you both. Somehow I assumed that when he admitted he was an sa, went into outpatient and now inpatient (1 whole day!) That I would feel better but not yet. We have all been hurt and betrayed. My ic asks me...can you live with an sa? That's what it comes down to? For all of us. Can we spend our lives with a person who is an sa? Who may or may not get better? Who may or may not keep hurting us? I love my husband, have loved and supported him as best I can, as I'm sure you have, I have realized he has a disease that he loves me and didn't want to hurt me, that he is broken, but in all that the question remains can I live like this forever if he relapses? I am going to take this time with him away to really think about that. You guys are never far from my thoughts and heart, finding si and you familiar names has been a godsend. Hugs all around
I was checking the web stuff, and nearly had a heart attack about stuff WH was looking up on Friday. TOTALLY forgot he was gathering images for a collage for the class, and that he told me he couldn't find the right stuff in clip art or magazines and instead stole images off the 'net. I don't know the specific assignment, but our collage assignment was about how SA had rendered our lives unmanageable and left us without control, so presumably theirs was similar.
Anyway, the search terms out of context were HUGE red flags but when I actually looked at the images he collected they were entirely appropriate in conveying the feelings without being too triggery/explicit. It took me a while to figure it out because I don't look at this stuff in real time anymore, just whenever I have time before it piles up too much. It's too funny how the littlest things set us off now, everything is suspect, right?
Hurt, your IC brings up good points. No doubt mine will bring up similar ones. If only I could actually go. Stupid tummy virus refuses to leave our house, and our kids insist on having it one at a time.
I will have a certain set of problems living with an SA...then I will have another living alone without SA...
Which would I rather be handling?!
I feel like I am a mental cakeeater!! I want my H but without the SA component.
What I want and get are two different things!
Anyhoo...He went to the store and came back feeling a bit more himself. I was on the bed crying..Not sobbing but gentle tears.
He asked what was wrong and all I could say is that I was thinking about too much stuff.
It was not a good time (will it ever?) and we needed to go get DS birthday gift and then out to dinner.
Just as we finished shopping we got a phone call from one of H' cousin..his uncle passed away.
Now, we just visited with this uncle during the summer. I am grateful that we got to spend that time with him. Thanks to him we found out more about H's childhood days, which H found out that his father left him with relatives (this uncle too) after his mother died while carrying her 2nd child. Something H did not know. He was left with these people (even tho family) and didn't come back to live with his father until he was ready for school around 5. So, he lost his mom, his father...nothing was explained to him ever.
When he came back home with his father...he was then abused physically and emotional from his father and then sexually and physically from the babysitter!! When he tried to tell his father about the sitter. The father questioned the sitter and of course she said no. Then, H got a beating from his father and of course the abuse got worse from the sitter. H tried to run away a few times but he didn't know where to go so always wound up home.
Of course, par for the course...we found out about this uncle's death from a cousin. His father never, never..lets H know about anything. It is like he is a 2nd class citizen. It has been an area of contention for me all during our M. They are piss-poor grandparents as well!!
Well, the point I am trying to make here is that this death is hitting H a bit hard. So, here goes another opportunity to discuss my issues with him.
Hurt...I pray that your H has a major breakthrough with this program!! I really do!!
I used to feel silly that my problem didn't seem to be as big/serious as some of the people here. Then when I starte group SA thing..well, I still felt like the baby in the group with what I would term the beginning of esculation (as far as I can tell) so I would think I didn't deserve to be complaining etc.
Well, isn't that good ole - am I worth it question coming up when I minimize stuff?
It may not be as bad or it may get worse. This is what my SCAT was saying when she said..do I NEED for it to get worse to say it is a problem?
No matter how big, how small...it is the reality of what we are dealing with in our lives.
All of us can always point to someone who has it worse than us in everything in life..it doesn't mean that we are not feeling every bit of pain as the next guy.
If we always minimize our situations..well, then none of us would have anything to complain, whine about would we?
One day at a time.
It isn't easy living with an SA, and making that decision. I do know of two young families, the H with a serious addiction, who worked the program devotedly. He has been sober for several years and they are doing well. I know of several older families as well. So there is considerable hope. My own H, despite some slips that I can move past, is working hard and becoming a far happier and fulfilled man. We are not out of the woods.
But here I am, still whining.
I need your input.
I CANNOT get rid of the anger and resentment completely. Okay, I can forgive myself for that. But it gets in the way. I am NOT the person I was, I am not HAPPY. I was. I am not optimistic, sunshiney, enjoying the act of getting up, puttering around the garden or the house, crafts, photography, decorating etc. The thought of decorating for the holidays feels like a chore, something that should be done. It was always a joy to me. I did only what I WANTED to do, and with pleasure. Sex? No interest in it with him. Mind movies get in the way. He did it with them. While I was home dealing with difficult teenagers, sports, music and academic schedules while doing my job very well and completing a second masters and all the house maintenance, finances, well, you get the picture.
How do I get out of this rut? I have been here FOREVER. I am in IC with a great IC, he's doing EVERYTHING right, I don't believe in holding a grudge.
We have begun to work on a series of exercises in a "Sexual Reintegration Therapy" book recommended by his IC. We haven't gotten very far. It's triggery. It describes the addictive process that I know so well, insists on calling me the "coaddict" and brings up the whole nasty business. But maybe it will get better. He's offered to read ahead to smooth the way for me.
Anybody have any thoughts?
I just read the first page and skipped to the last so if I sound like I should have read them all I apologize in advance.
I was recommended to read this thread (or at least the first post with the list of resources) and I had a question for everyone here.
I'm not 100% sure my wife falls into the SA category, but what she did may be that for sure. She went crazy and met with several men on Craigslist as you can see in my sig below. I'm in Hell about it still. There are also some concerns I have that she's not doing enough research or maybe not doing certain things she needs to do for herself, let alone things she can do to help me.
I also notice there's primarily women in here and the only post from a man in the first page went unanswered (maybe?). The resources for this subject tend to be written for women dealing with their husbands. I know the pain is great no matter what, but there must be some differences in men and women who fall under the SA category.
Are those books listed in the first post still appropriate? I was also recommended "No Stones" by Marnie C. Ferree - anyone heard of it?
Any help and advice for me and for my wife would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for being here and I'm sorry you're all going through this. I'm still tortured and can't sleep, and I even cry all the time - and I admit it here as a man, who is anonymous.
Living On ~ Like you, I wasn't sure I belonged here at first. But between my WH's torturous TT and my own investigation, his list of OW kept growing. He wasn't looking for a romantic partner, just sex. This I know to be true. But it escalated over time (dating sites) until it spilled over into various parts of our lives. (financial, career, family)
I'm still relatively new to this SA concept. But the more I read and learn, the more I understand he fits the criteria. It's a crushing realization. Keep posting here. You'll find lots of guidance and support.
Hugs and strength to all...
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 5:40 AM, November 21st (Monday)]
Hurt, I am shocked. Number one, that they would put men and women together in a program. I'm not familiar with how those things work, but it would seem complicated have both sexes in any format, much less if they have history. Has he told the powers that be? I'm sure they can arrange to limit their contact or maybe even separate them.
Livingon, I don't mean to downplay the other man's story from this thread, but his was a different case. Even though his GF had some extreme behaviors....they were both young, not married, no kids, I believe one or both still in college...well, you and I both know that means there is a good chance they are probably still not together now. And we did give him a lot of good info, as much as we could not knowing the specifics of his situation. He was also in another country so I don't think he had access to all the books we kept referring him to, because while he said he read them it was not readily apparent from his posts he was really familiar with the content - but that may just be because his pain made it hard for him to communicate it. I hope he does post again someday, I am curious how his story panned out.
So don't lose hope on the rest of us that we can't be helpful in your sitch. I have two girls the same ages, WH and I are similar ages, been married a similar amount of time, etc so I can really relate to what I know of your sitch. I can tell you if you keep posting more things become clear and the burden of what has happened to you gets a little lighter. ((hugs))
[This message edited by hathnofury at 7:32 AM, November 21st (Monday)]
I too struggle with resentment. A week or so ago I found a thread in Wayward about resentment & I’m journaling about my resentments re: SAWH & the A’s etc. using this thread as a catalyst. I don’t know what page it’s on, though, so if you’re interested you might want to look for it soon- before it falls off the thread.
Thanks for holding us all in the *LIGHT*. I struggled over the weekend & knowing you guys were out here rooting for each other helped me so much!!
IMO, minimizing and denial are a problem for the spouse almost as much as for the SA. I know I keep trying to box SAWH into what I want him to be, as opposed to who he actually is. It’s a problem I know I have to work on. *sigh*
As in IRL SA & SA spouses meetings and therapy groups, women predominate. In the 12 step meetings I attend there are about 4 men out of an average of 20+ women. Statistically women SA’s are diagnosed less often than men. However, IMO the advice on this thread will work as well for BH’s. In terms of how female SA’s vs. male SA’s present, I have no idea. There are several women SA’s up in Wayward, most of whom are active on the board; you might glean some info up there. Just be aware of the forum rules, and that those ladies are well into their recovery. I’m unfamiliar with the specific book you mention, but I’d imagine you’d glean information from the resources listed on page 1. There isn’t much out there for BH’s and BF’s that I’ve heard of, I’m afraid.
As for help and advice- start working on detaching from her issues, this is not a problem you can fix for her. Let go. I know how hard this is first hand, but truly it’s the best advice there is. Let go. She must own her diagnosis and recovery in order for there to be a good chance for long term recovery. Second, find yourself a CSAT. Do not ‘share’ a CSAT with your WW. Regular IC’s aren’t going to be equipped to deal with the unique issues SA will bring up. If there aren’t any CSAT’s where you are then find an addiction specialist IC. Third, post often. The community here can provide excellent support.
If you’re interested, 7yrsbetrayed and TooManyYears each have their stories in their profile, as do I. I’m in my early 40’s, we’ve been married 24+ years, we have 3 kids (older). You’re in good company here.
Take it one day at a time, practice good self care. Come and post often.
What horrible news!! OMG, what does SAWH plan to do?? Hugs!
On a lighter note, SAWH and I are both off on Turkey Day, something that hasn't happened for *years*. He's a superb cook, and a little nesting might be good for us...I think.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
living on, I dont have the attention span to read if others have replied to you yet, but first of all sorry, and welcome. One thing I have read about sex and love addiction is that in women it often manifests itself as the 'love' part. It doesnt mean they are looking for love(or necessarily sex either, as SA is not really about sex) but its more about looking for validation and attention and also using that to avoid true intimacy. If you can, try to read up on the love addict aspect of thigns and see if that is a fit.
Just a quick update. A few months back I posted about not being sure if I wanted disclosure. I ended up doing it anyway. It took them a while to get around to it.
We had the disclosure this past weekend. It went well. No huge secrets came spilling out. The few things I did not know were actually kind of odd things to keep from me I thought. Nothing too earth shattering.
Even though I did not learn too many new things, what I found helpful about the disclosure was hearing my husband as he described the events in his life. What obviously embarrassed him, what hurt he had doled out, and how it affected him.
I do feel I have tons of closure now. I have been slowly stopping the detective behavior. <not totally but much more sporadic>. I am trusting his actions and his actions are telling me he is being very open. His CSAT told me that my husband is doing the work and not playing "good boy". That felt good getting that confirmation.
Anyways, I wanted to update here since this is where I posed the question. I also wanted to wean myself off this site. I will still be reading you guys but the overall board gets to me sometimes and I have been spending too much time immersed in reading about bad relationships.
Not that its always a bad thing, but sometimes it causes me to start thinking all people are the way of these SA's and WS. That is not healthy. I need to see some healthy relationships too. Thank you all for helping me in ways you probably have no clue you did. I will see you around and praying each of you learns much from your journey.