You bring up a very valid point for me. WH and I have moved out of state many times over the years. So we have not had a consistent source of local friends, local healthy relationships to be exposed to. Over the years we have slowly moved to having our own friends, not couples we could hang out with together. This last move we have hardly made any new friends at all, and of the few recent friends I made, most have moved away.
My therapist was bringing up your point indirectly, I see that now. She was asking about our neighborhood, etc and asking why we don't just move. Move to an area with people more like us, etc. as well as possibly better schools for the kids, etc. Of course my POV was I'm in crisis mode here, not supposed to make any major decisions for the next year. WH only wants to move if we buy (we currently rent), and I don't want to buy when we are in crisis mode, and I'm not convinced buying *here*, in an area more heavily depressed than most of the country, is a good idea in any scenario if you don't have long term roots and plans here. So it seemed to make sense to stay put.
But she's right. We should move. Get a fresh start somewhere else (still in the metro area, just not this neighborhood). Be around people more in common with us, better schools and potentially better for the kids. All of us make new friends, and hopefully have some positive healthy relationships to be exposed to and model after. Part of committing to a whole new life, a new beginning.
And honestly, if worst case scenario happens and we do split up, I don't want to be here. Not in the house where how I found out all went down. Why would I want to be here in times of promise either?
I really did a lot of thinking about "fresh starts" especially a couple months in. Im mostly over it now, but still think of it from time to time. We moved a lot and finally found somewhere to settle down. Problem is, I really dont want to leave this city and we bought a house here and his job is pretty good. It just sucks knowing that he knows all the places to "find" the lowlifes and we have to drive by those places everyday.
Since you are renting, I say go ahead and move! I know I would unless there were other circumstances that made it better than any other options. Dont think I would be ready to buy a house right now though... unless I felt really secure about the future (marital and property value wise).
Thx for checking in, its always refreshing to get mostly good updates.
Thx everyone for your responses to my newest problem. I went immediately this morning to my ic. At her encouragement I will speak to the powers that be at his treatment center. We live in a small city this is the only treatment option so hopefully at minimum they will be kept separated. I am going to let my concerns be known and then do my best to just accept that this is out of his and my control. I have to believe he will be workking his program and stay away from her. For now tons of prayers positive thoughts whatever would be appreciated. My peace at his being in treatment is gone...
Hurt~ sending good vibes your way. I am so sorry your peace of mind is now gone.
Tonight, I picked my WH up from work. I have done this for 7 months, since he has a pending DWI charge, committed during one of his sexual affairs. He kept me waiting outside his office for 20 minutes, since he HAD to take a call.
I told him I was upset and he was ungrateful for all I had done for him. His response? I, yes, I am a narcissitic, ungrateful bitch. WOW! Transference much? Guys, I am so done. My kids are flying in for Thanksgiving, but after Xmas, I've got to get out of here. He is toxic and destructive to me. I so wanted to make this work.
@Living there are far more female SAs than you know. And although it is correct that many are in the LOVE part of the addiction that seems to be changing IMHO. We have only one male in our Sanon group but my fWh speaks of a growing number of female SAs at his 12 step meetings. I second what everyone else has said and STRONGLY encourage you to fuind a 12 step group for you. We are an equal oportunity shoulder. I haven't heard of that particular book,some of them do tend to use female spouses and male SAs, although the concepts are the same. I highly recommend DECEIVED, and YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE. And Stephanie Carnes work is particularly geared to the SPOUSES of SAs.
It isn't you. They are broken. Badly. You didn't cause it , can't control it, can't cure it.
Welcome to our sister/fellowship. We are awesome.in our mutual support.. And we are here for you..
Hath, my fresh start is just about to begin. I feel optimistic about my future.
Hurt, I wish my SAWH could get treatment, but ofcourse "there is nothing wrong" with him.
Ghost, I know exactly how you feel. Mine is abusive every single day now. He knows the walls are caving in. Begin to make your plans. Enjoy the holidays. YOUR day is coming! Many hugs to all.
My life will go on. With or without him. In some ways, it may be preferable. I cannot bear to be hurt anymore.
Hugs and good wishes to all...
My WH had a 4 yr affair and on the tape he had invited the OW over. They were probably in a EA but not PA at this time. He set up the video camera and covered it to watch her go to the bathroom! I know that it was him becuase he kept coming back to check on the camera and kept checking to make sure it was trained on the toilet area. I found another tape previously dated about 2 weeks later, but it didn't catch anything. In a wierd way, it actually makes me want to laugh at the OW now, cause she helped to screw up my life by having an affair with my husband in my face ( we were all friends) only to find out that he is a pervert. I think that may just be just retribution.
Obviously my husband is into voyeurism. What complicates things exponentially is that OW's twin sister and her husband rent the apartment right below from us and I found that WH has recently purchased a spycam. It is a pen one, so it could be hidden anywhere. No matter who he bought it to spy on, it can't be good. I haven't confronted him yet on the SA issue yet, it's still a bit of a shock to finally confirm it. Any advice?
Since what I've done regarding confrontation has been a bust, I know more experienced members will come along with some great advise and guidance.
Just wanted you to know you have been heard. Sending strength and hugs to you...
Npain: I am so sorry you find yourself here. Do read as much as you can and get some help. Don't attempt to confront your WH without seeking some advice from a counselor. Many SA are in denial and become enraged when confronted. They are master manipulators and will do anything to protect what they are doing. Keep yourself and your children safe. Hugs.
Voyeurism is 'stalkerish' to me & combined with SA?! Kinda..scary. I really don't know what to say, other than the usual advice to find an IRL 12 step support group and a CSAT for you to see on your own. And a warning that if your SAWH escalates using hidden cams, there may be serious legal issues unless he can get into recovery ASAP.
Big hugs to you, npain. I'm glad you found us, although I wish you didn't need to be here.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Yes, he is most likely SA. You will need a CSAT to confirm diagnosis, but compulsive voyeurism, just like those who compulsively expose themselves or compulsively inappropriately touch people, is yet another flavor SA comes in, unfortunately. It's a little easier to demonstrate that the behavior is unmanageable and adversely affecting other's lives (in the criteria for any addiction) because it usually involves illegal activity, but that doesn't mean getting WH to accept he is will be any easier.
I have no personal experience in this area. However, I have heard many stories in person from those in your shoes in my group/12step. To spare this post becoming a book, let me just say my money is on the camera being in a bathroom. Look for hiding spots that would give a camera a clear view of the toilet or shower, like an AC vent or something. Start with your bathroom and if you can check your tenants' bathroom without them looking on, go there next. Also, I'd be checking for the videos - they are somewhere. On his computer, in an account online, on disks or a thumbdrive somewhere. If you find the files first, you will know where the camera is and who he's spying on.
Personally, I would go see a criminal lawyer to get a consultation and possibly representation for myself. The stories I have heard are from people that were confronted by law enforcement at their door, that is not a scenario you want to have. You have done nothing wrong, but you don't want to be liable for enabling or whatever state laws may apply. And you need to know what WH is facing if your worse suspicions are true. And there may be other cameras...and other victims. Please don't rule out he may be looking at underage victims as well if there is opportunity (even if accidental), which would involve a whole nuther set of authorities.
You need a CSAT for you, ASAP. You have been traumatized in finding out he is SA, and being confronted with the graphic evidence, and you need professional help with that. And gentle 2x4s, there may be a whole lot worse coming and you need your support in place if it happens.
Breathe, eat, drink water. It is ok to ask for drugs from your IC if you need them, this is an extreme situation. Figure out who IRL you can count on for support, you are going to need them when this all blows up. Even if he is able to dodge any legal troubles, there is always the potential for future ones.
Good luck. Keep posting. We are here to help.
Back to my quaratine ward. Just what I wanted for Thanksgiving, LOL.
I was lucky in that I caught it early in our relationship and most of his really bad acting out had actually occurred with his first wife and not with me. He did visit strip bars a few times before marrying me but dating me and he had multiple online accounts at hookup and porn sites. Still, I am in awe of what some of you have dealt with and are moving past.
Hath, I am in a similar situation as you in that I moved when I married so when I fund out about the SA I have one person I could actually confide in. To be in a new place puts an added strain on everything. Being out of my element has thrown me for a loop for sure.
Ghost, you deserve better than someone taking you for granted like that! And then insulting you when you are helping them out? Good luck moving on!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
Wishing you both a successful outcome!
Edited to add -- you've been through an incomprehensible tragedy. I can't imagine your pain. Sending you huge cyberhugs...
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 8:31 PM, November 24th (Thursday)]