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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to make a quick suggestion on the idea of requirements/boundaries/consequences.

I see a lot of how HE will be affected, what HE needs to do, HE isn't doing....etc.

Perhaps the boundary and best possible response would be to reframe the line of questions for yourself.
Go back and ask yourself; "what do I need to do to keep myself safe, or sane?"

The difference between trying to control, and boundaries, is letting go of the outcome.
To do what you have to for you, regardless what may or may not happen with the SA.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTBW-

Thank you so much for the reminder. I really need to hear this right now.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tootrusting, that is the third time I've heard about not controlling the outcome this week. I'm taking it as a sign. I feel like I need him in 12step with a sponsor, in IC with a CSAT, and a recovery plan and relapse plan (that doesn't involve me in accountability in any way) to feel safe having him in the house. I don't think I can handle him having a relapse involving acting out with other people without those things in place. But that's essentially controlling a future outcome, right?

BUT, I also know I can't control the outcome, and I can't impose my timeline on someone else. I think I just need to be frank with him about how anxious not having those things in place makes me, and I need something more concrete than "I will get around to doing it all in January when I'm not slammed at work." to feel less anxious.

Ack. I don't know.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, too trusting, I also needed to hear that. Since my SA H has done little to nothing to address his "problem", I plan on moving out in January in order to keep myself safe and sane.

I never wanted it to come to this, but I sadly see no other alternative. Hugs to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I am hoping to get some help tonight. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've spent the day thinking that my marriage isn't over - and that I can convince my husband to enter extensive inpatient treatment and then everything will be okay, and then I can forgive everything he's done to me and his children. (Cheating, lying, leading a double life, having S&M sex with men and women and groups, getting caught and moving out to live with the MARRIED SA OW and apparently her husband and child, and refusing to talk to me about anything after 15 years of marriage. Oh, and making my life miserable twice a week by demanding to take my children out god-knows-where in the car and scaring me to death. Oh, and plunging us into debt after losing all his clients while doing this all spring, summer and fall. And the kicker: refusing to leave the OW SA right after D-Day when I'm mortified to admit that I called him and begged him to come home. She was with him and he hung up on me several times.)

I don't know what's wrong with me. I was doing so well and I thought I was detaching and starting to think ahead and move on.

The holidays aren't helping me. And we are holding off on telling the children the whole truth about our impending divorce until the holidays are over. (So, it doesn't really feel real to me.) Plus I went on a stupid house tour today of fancy homes that I will never, ever be able to afford now that I'm getting a divorce. I went with a friend who is buying one of those homes with her husband and kiddies. I'll be lucky to get an apartment for myself and my kids before this is all over. And also SAH is being really nice all in a sudden, which probably just means that the OW is tired of him and moving on to her next sex addict boyfriend.

I feel weak and absolutely disgusted with myself. I feel like this must be what it's like to be a battered woman who keeps going back for more. I think it's been almost 12 weeks since D-Day. I should be getting stronger, not weaker.

What is wrong with me??? I just feel like I can't do this. I guess I really have turned into the ultimate co-dependent. I'm just so scared to get divorced and have to change everything in my entire life and raise my children by myself. I'm also ashamed to admit I miss my husband, who was very good at compartmentalizing his secret sex addiction - so it's not like we fought all the time at all. In fact, we got along really well and had the same interests (WELL, SOME of the same interests - not all obviously.)

I'm sorry. I'm just so sad all the time. More and more. And scared. And filled with shame for what he's done and for myself for being so weak that I'm sitting her sobbing over everything I've lost.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ChoosingHope)))

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I think it is normal for what you may be feeling.

Everything may be catching up to you and you are grieving what you had with this man.

Please remember the facts. Please do take care of yourself. Allow some down time(but limit to a time...like 1/2 hr) to cry and grieve, get mad..then do something for yourself.

It is always scarey to start something unknown. To stay with the known because it is familiar even if it not good, feels safe somehow.

I do not remember if you said you have a SCAT for yourself. I would be very careful with him being nice at this point. Keep going to your IC and be sure to keep doing things for you and the children.

Try to think of how nice you could decorate your apartment instead of dreading the thought of being in one.

Please be sure to let the lawyer know of his behavior and how to limit or have supervised visitations with the children. I worry about them.

I wish I could give you a hug...


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosinghope,

Big hugs to you. I second what Cheeta says. But I also want to tell you that there is always hope for yourself and children to be happy again. I have waited a long time and I left my sawh and he finally did enter inpatient treatment. Pls take care of yourself, and know there is nothing wrong with you. You're traumatized and hurt. Mixed emotions are to be expected. Keep posting here, it helps and we are all here together to support each other. Take care


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing,
My experience was definitely NOT one of being stronger after 12 weeks. When I look back at the days and months after D-day, I feel as though I wasn't really there. It is very hazy, and mostly I have feelings as memories, rather than events and people, if that makes sense.

Give yourself a break, this is a traumatizing devastating time in your life. You would not expect anyone else to have it all together. Those of us with codependent tendencies lean toward self flagellation if we aren't "dealing" with everything with poise and all the answers.
We hurt too.
We need help, sometimes. We need some nurturing. Sometimes we fall apart for a bit.
Go ahead and allow it. Its ok.
You know what to do to get back on track.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, needed to hear those words this week.

Sometimes I hesitate to say much, because I post a little something and then disappear.

I need to contribute both in my times of need and when something has helped me that might be helpful for someone else. Even if it is a quick abrupt post.

I read here pretty much daily, but never feel I have enough time to articulate what I want to say.
Thanks for always taking the time to post!

Its helps me immensely, and probably others that do not post often.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
MySonshine
♀ Member
Member # 32252
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would like opinions please! A few months ago I set out my boundaries with SAH and one of them was that if he wanted the marriage to work he needed to be in active recovery. He did great for a couple of months, but then the CSAT was getting too expensive so he switched to a provider our insurance covers but has only gone to two sessions. Then the 12 step groups started spacing out and he hasn't been to anything in over a month. The thing is we are getting along wonderfully. He is getting more affectionate and is here more. We have not been intimate since before DDs started coming to light (I had a hunch)and my IC seems to think we should set a date to start having intimacy again. My feelings are that he is not in recovery right now and that makes me feel VERY unsafe. I don't know what to do because I don't want to control his recovery but at the same time I don't feel safe when he is not in active recovery. I don't think he is acting out he just isn't doing anything. I'm just so torn because if I bring it up I'm controlling his recovery but if I don't say anything then what do I do? Just sit around and wait? Ahhh advice please!


BS-me 28
WH-28
Too many DDs to count.

Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Colorado
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, I think it's totally normal and it sucks. Hang in there mama, you are doing great. You will survive and come out ahead. One day at a time, you will survive this.

Well, my assignment for class this week is about boundaries. what is healthy and what is not, plans for putting appropriate boundaries with everyone in your life in place. Hmm, what a coincidence. So I am also taking this as a sign that I need to take more time before giving WH the "contract" or whatever. I still think he needs something in writing, but I need to really think it through and put the right focus on it.

And that includes feeling safe before resuming any intimacy, whatever it takes. I think if you are not ready, you should tell him so and why. I totally get what you are saying and am totally feeling what you feel. It's all very valid.

I still haven't done my nails but I will be doing something for me today. The party is over, I have time now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ MySonshine~


IMO, if *you're* feeling unsafe, then don't initiate intimacy in your M, regardless of your IC's advice.

As tootrustingBW posted above:

Perhaps the boundary and best possible response would be to reframe the line of questions for yourself.
Go back and ask yourself; "what do I need to do to keep myself safe, or sane?"

I think it's very important to try and do this- I get stuck thinking of everything is terms of *him*: if he would just______ then I'd be ok. Think about what *you* can do to be and feel safe regardless of what *he* does or doesn't do. "For me to feel safe I need to do ______ and ________."

It's hard. I've gotten caught in a cycle of framing things in terms of SAWH and breaking out of it is easier said than done. When I can think of myself first, I feel much better.


Hugs~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheeta, Hurt94, TooTrusting, Hath, Sabina:

Thank you so much for the support. I was a mess yesterday. I guess I feel a little better today. Not much, but a bit. I think I'm learning something about myself that I've forgotten for a long time: I don't like to be alone. I've loved being married and having someone to do stuff with. I just hate being alone.

So I guess it's something I need to work on.

Also, like most of us here, I am going to concentrate on the following wise words. They make sense, whether you're in a relationship with a SA OR if you're leaving a relationship with them. I need to remember what I need to do to move forward, step by step. Stop thinking of SAH. So thank you again!!!!!

Perhaps the boundary and best possible response would be to reframe the line of questions for yourself.
Go back and ask yourself; "what do I need to do to keep myself safe, or sane?"
I think it's very important to try and do this- I get stuck thinking of everything is terms of *him*: if he would just______ then I'd be ok. Think about what *you* can do to be and feel safe regardless of what *he* does or doesn't do. "For me to feel safe I need to do ______ and ________."

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to disrupt this great 'conversation', but I just wanted to post this again:

Has anyone tried the Recovery Nation (recoverynation.com)online program? Worked through the lessons ~ both the saWS and BS individually... and then the couples program together? If so, please let me know what you thought of the program.

Thanks again!


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosinghope

I know what you mean about not liking being alone.My FWH and I did everything together ( or so I thought). We enjoyed each others company and got along really well. I would sooner spend time with him than any of my friends. Unfortunately over the years I let my female friendships slip so now I am left with few real girlfriends.

I am frightened at the prospect of being alone with no close friends if I decide to move toward D. I wonder if that is why I am trying to R (even though FWH is remorseful and doing everything right at the moment).


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am investigating doing Recovery Nation possibly in the spring. I've got all on my plate I can handle ATM.

I'm a little freaked out right now. At IC it came up that this will be our first Christmas with just us and the kids, no other family. We need to think about new traditions we want to do, and how we can connect with the extended family appropriately long distance yet maintain our own thing here. What I'm going to do with the kids on break, etc. I don't *think* it will be awkward or hostile with no other people in the mix, but I have to be prepared, I guess.

Talked about boundaries some in IC. I think I'm better aligned on that now. And we discussed my self-perception among other things. I think I have a pretty accurate perception about how much I don't know about myself. Apparently I was indirectly led to believe what I wanted didn't matter as a child. So since it doesn't matter, I haven't really thought deeply about what I want. In anything. And now that I think about it, I'm probably teaching my kids the same thing. Ugh. And if you don't know what you want, it's hard to define boundaries. And exercise the right intent and purpose of them.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally can relate about not knowing or thinking what I want is important! I have been discussing the very same in IC. On a different note has anyone out there attended a family program for addicts? I have registered myself and two teenagers for one through my sawh treatment centre and am very anxious about it, since part of it is to address the addict themselves. This will be difficult for my children. Any thoughts about what its like would be appreciated. Have a good week everyone. Don't forget to do something just for you this week, I can't remember who posted that or started it but what a fabulous thing!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im also planning on looking more into recovery nation. I have not joined the forums as yet. My h read only a couple of the lessons. Im just so bad at staying on top of things (clearly!).


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotMeToo

I think this is the true tragedy facing many spouses of SAs: that without the addiction, we had "good" marriages. Or so it seemed. We liked the same things, enjoyed each other's company, liked to do things together. We were very good parents together. And then the SA crept in. And at least in my case, the compartmentalization started. So on the surface, it seemed like I did have a good marriage - we kept laughing and having fun most of the time.

To be perfectly honest, however, I knew something was terribly wrong since spring - and my D-Day wasn't until September. We were arguing and yelling about his whereabouts, and about money. I was living in a constant state of panic: snooping, trying to control or stop him, worrying that any moment I would get a call from the police saying they found his dead body in a hotel room or something.

So, for me it's been a marriage of two extremes.

A therapist said to me that I lost my best friend and companion in all of this, and it's so true. He's done TERRIBLE things, but I loved him so much and loved spending time with him.

Anyhow, being alone is no picnic. At first, it was a relief in many ways because I was no longer responsible for him, and I wasn't afraid of the police or another woman showing up at my house. That fear was gone. But I think I was also in denial. Hell, I'm still in denial most days. I wake up every morning and think it's all a bad dream. And then I have to drag myself out of bed crying so I can take care of my children.

I've been spending a lot of time over on the divorce thread, and all I can say is that it does seem to get better eventually. I think it's just harder for spouses of SAs than most women because we know that our spouses can't control much of this behavior. So it's tragic and especially heartbreaking.

I'm glad your husband is doing his work, and I'll say lots of prayers that this continues. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled my husband's SA when I first found out about it seven years ago. If we had gone to a CSAT instead of a normal therapist, and my husband had also gone to 12-step programs regularly, we might be in a different, happier place right now.

I'll just have to learn how to be by myself for a while. I'm also going to look around to see if I can meet some other divorced moms and maybe they can become new friends for me. I'll let you know how it goes, but hopefully you will never get to this place!



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to offer great big hugs and thx to all of you. Your strength and courage are amazing and I am in awe of your ability to be honest, break down and overcome. We all have different stories but share a common bond. Just remember that through pain comes strength and after the hurricane there is often a rainbow. Take care.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
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