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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long ago and far away, someone wise described the perfect SA. "He thinks he's a god." Well, of course we know all the psychological mumbo jumbo about self esteem issues in childhood and why they act out, but this god complex is all about SAs. We know how charming they can be, we fell for it too. Lawyers, doctors, high powered business men, they are all well represented in the ranks of the SA. Of course they don't have to be the professionals, they are equally well represented in the charmers of the trades as well.

Choosing, you threatened his "fix" questioned his addiction. How dare you? He's untouchable, without fault, THE MAN! It's pathetic and ridiculous. And scary watching their delusions. You know how to protect your kids. We have your back while you are doing it...

Okay. Here's my newest challenge. The short of it is that I am, on a whim, going away for a few days. Without my H. He has been standing on his head reassuring me that he is not going to do anything stupid, making sure the GPS tracker is working on his phone, etc. I am anxious. I cannot control him. But I don't want to deal with the consequences of him acting out either. I will, but I don't want to...

So you all say......?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, December 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SA is a church leader, bible school teacher and gives communion to others. Yep, you read that right. I don't know why in the heck he has his ring on this week, like that is going to make a difference. More keeping up the facade.

Scaredy: I would say make your best effort to not give a damn. He is going to do what he wants whether you worry about it or not, so don't. You do what you are going to do and leave him to his own self.

I hope you are going somewhere nice and relaxing!

I was thinking about myself and how long it has taken me to get away from my SA. I think that they say it takes 7 times for someone to leave or get away from someone who is abusing them. The patterns that he displays are exactly that. An abuser abuses you then apologizes for what they did...over and over again. This is exactly what my SA does. He is rageful and then apologizes, but still does it again and again.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat. All I can say is that I have turned down dozens of invitations for girl's weekends and family weekends in the past fifteen years because I was terrified that my husband would act out. And it certainly did me no good! I believe that if they want to act out, they will find a way sooner or later. I completely understand your anxiety. In fact, it's interesting - I actually feel anxiety just reading your note. It's now ingrained in me. But I want you to go! And have a great time and allow yourself to be distracted and have fun!

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 11:04 PM, December 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat, I have so BTDT. I went out of town twice since Dday in June. And the kicker is my WH is usually a buttmunch when I go out of town regardless so I try not to call him at all when I go places. That entitlement thing, he uses it while he's "sacrificing" his work availability being mr. mom, and makes me feel guilty for going anywhere. So it makes it worse because if I want the updates of where he's at, which under normal circumstances or when HE has to go out of town, are no big deal for him to do, if I have him do it while watching the kids it comes with a heavy side of guilt.

You can ask him to send phone pix where he is, call him when you need to, put a gps on his car, keylogger his computer, track his phone use, plant a VAR. But at some point you have to let go and let God, KWIM? You can't let it overtake you to the point you can't go anywhere, that's not a life.

What I'm learning in S-Anon, is that if you let go, if they stray the info will be presented to you, when you are ready to hear it, in due time. That you don't have to spy to get it, it will find a way to find you. Your gut will come back, and you will know. Or evidence will mysteriously appear, etc. So you put your faith in that and learn to let go of everything else.

So says the lady with a GPS tracker on WH's car at present. But I only check it once a week, after the fact. Because it's the "bad" month and I need the reassurance from a source that won't give me flack.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope~ I'm so so sorry your SAWH threatened you. Big, big hugs. Please, please call a women's shelter or crisis center in your area and put together a sheet of information listing local resources and phone numbers. Please protect yourself and your babies. He sounds dangerous!


S.K.~ I'd go away and take my anti-anxiety meds with me. I'm trigger city when we're apart, but I also know that I need to have a life of my own. And it helps to show SAWH that I won't be held hostage by his behavior and attitude.

As far as "type A" occupations being prevalent in SA's- my CSAT confirmed this. My SA is ex-military and an RN on an acute care unit. Bad combination, according to her. Both types being highly resistant to treatment, according to her. *SNORT* Big surprise.

SAWH seems to be on the positive side of his cycle right now. Or else he's been in touch with EAOP regularly. We've done several things together & he's been pleasant and charming- the man I remember. So much so that I catch myself thinking 'why can't he be like this all the time?' or 'maybe I could live with him after all'. Both of which are ridiculous. I know better. But I so much want a normal boring life together.

*sigh*

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:55 AM, December 9th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So today I got news that the police have realeased two names of "people of interest" in my nephews murder case. I decided to inform my sawh at his treatment centre so he would not get the paper and wonder why we didn't tell him. His counselor set up a meeting for us to talk about it since it was very emotional for me and my family. At first I thought my husband was really going to listen and be supportive, but alas he spent most of the time talking about himself...and his treatment, which I am glad he is in but at this moment I just really wanted to be supported with the latest emotional development in our case, my kids happen to see the news broadcast and then got the articles from friends and this is so hard for them. December is so hard all around. I was so hoping sa husband could put aside sa for just a moment. Sorry for the mini rant just had to get the emotion out of me. Hugs to all.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurt)))

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and your kids today.


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt, I'm so sorry. I am beginning to see that selfishness and self-centeredness is a common theme in SA. You must be so disappointed.

I'm glad they are moving forward with the case, though. That is something, I didn't realize that the case was unresolved. How horrifying.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, I am having so much trouble with my assignment for my class. Part of it I am so supposed to wax philosophical about several instances where *I* have not respected people's boundaries. That is very hard for me, I seem to OVER respect other people's boundaries, to the point that I compromise my own.

I can only come up with trying to dictate my SA's treatment instead of trusting in his timeline, etc and trying to control my kids instead of teaching them to know what they want, understand they have choices, and with those choices come consequences. I can't tell if I'm really that blind to what I do, or if I really don't have any good clear-cut examples.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt, I am so sorry he disappointed you, sweetie. That sucks! If it's not too painful, what are the details of the murder case? Was is random? It's certainly okay if you don't want to talk about it. It must be so terribly painful. Sending prayers and strength to you and your family, hon....

Hath~ with all due respect, why are YOUR boundaries being questioned??? What about his??? I am puzzled to say the least. Hugs, sweetie...

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 7:42 PM, December 9th (Friday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, I just made the most snarky comment to WH. We are battling a clogged toilet, and having the hardest time getting the snake to go where it needs to go. Finally I just give up and reach in to figure out what's going on.I'm a lefty, I use my left had for everything and I've been married 13 years, the ring does not come off without considerable lubrication and force. WH gives me flack about sticking my ring hand in the toilet. I told him he did NOT want to get into a discussion about wedding rings with me, I could think of a lot worse things to be doing with a wedding ring on.

Ay yi yi. Where did that come from?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Lost_Hope
♀ Member
Member # 24170
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking my H is a SA, but I don't know for sure. When we first got together he was always looking a porn, which never really bothered me. In 6 months he has his first PA. When I confronted him, he cried and promised he would never do it again. There were several woman over the next few years that I suspected, but never had the proof. Then in 2009, I found proof of a PA with an old high school friend. Again I confronted and this time he just said he was sorry, didn't know why he did it and again promised to never do it again. I admit, I never forced the issue ... I never set boundaries or asked for passwords or anything like that. I guess I hoped we could just move past it. Within 2 years I was again suspecting him of sleeping with another high school friend but no proof and when I questioned he got defensive. Within the last week, I have now found that he has been hanging out with a 21 y/o co-worker that is right now riding in our car going out of state with him (Read post in General) and tonight I found proof of him sleeping with yet another old high school friend (Thanks FB) while he was back home during Thanksgiving week. He is just a serial cheater or does he have problems that are causing this?

[This message edited by Lost_Hope at 8:07 PM, December 9th (Friday)]


“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.”

***********************************
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012


Posts: 169 | Registered: May 2009
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath-
Much snarkier things have come out of my mouth lately, In fact, I am trying to tamp down on it. I feel like it's a bitterness deep inside me that just leaks out suddenly.

I actually laughed when I read your comment, which shows where my head is these days. I think it's completely understandable. You've been traumatized and your true thoughts are just leaking out.

In my case, however, I'm doing too much of it. I'm using language that I've never used before. I have a horrible name for SAOW - one I would never type here. And my best friend and I were using pretty graphic gallows humor to deal with my new reality. And so we promised each other to try to cut back on it. Because we are not naturally bitter and sarcastic - and we don't ever normally use graphic sexual language. We were just being dragged down into the sewer along with SAWH and the OW, and we decided to put an end to it.

Anyhow, this is just my two cents. I think that remarks like yours are natural and to be expected - they made me laugh! What did your H say in return?

I also wonder if we're all just getting tougher each day we stay/deal with these men?

Anyhow, I hope your toilet is fixed!



Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat, I know how hard it is to leave the house, knowing what they used to do when we left! But you deserve it and I hope you can have a great time and forget the rest.

Choosing hope, dont feel too bad. I used to very very rarely ever curse, in all my life. Well, you kinda see my posts and my language has, ahem, changed in the past 7 month wh@re and f-ck are spoken or typed just about everyday. Not to mention the hooker dreams.

Hath, I think I would have trouble with that assignment too. Im also now wondering if I have been too controlling of a parent. Im probably a failure as a mother.
And Im constantly thinking of snarky comments, though I only say less than 50% of them
As soon as I saw something about sticking hands in a toilet, I had a few choice thoughts of my own.

hurt, Im sorry that he let you down. After what they did, it hurts even worse when they arent doing extra for US. Wish they could see that more often.

Lost hope, Im really sorry to hear about your story. I dont know how you let him get out of town. Im not sure I could control myself... unless... deep inside a part of me had already given up on the marriage and built walls up around myself. Do you think that has happened to you?
I cant imagine how hard it must be to have multiple ddays. I think there are/can be some differences between sa and serial cheater. But the thing is, at this point does it matter? He looks like he's not willing to change.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lost_Hope
♀ Member
Member # 24170
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, December 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Driving ...

I think part of me has given up. In 2009 when I found the email talking about him and the OW at the time, I was a wreak. I had to leave work I was so hysterical. This time .... I just printed of the chat, read thru it and said several fuck yous and assholes out loud. I can't even cry about it. I'm just running thru whats going to happen next and how I'm going to deal with it. It saddens me that it's come to this. This "I don't give a shit" anymore attitude I have, but he's made me this way.


“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.”

***********************************
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012


Posts: 169 | Registered: May 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, your statement about OVER respecting other's boundaries really struck home for me. So I thought about it a few minutes, and I do the same. The thought trying to make sense in my head is that somehow the OVER respecting of other's boundaries may not be respecting someone else's boundaries.
Forgive me if I am not making this clear, I wanted to write this as it is fresh in my head.

If we try to hard to think about, or guess, what someone else's boundaries, are we stepping into what is their territory, their responsibility? Is that our place? While I prefer to think that I do it because I am so very considerate of others, I have a feeling it may be a bit of the codependent stuff oozing out.
A bit like the feeling that if we are nice enough, caring enough, we can influence the other person's behavior to stay in line with what we think would be best. As if we know what their boundaries are or should be.

I apologize in advance for any babbling or typos. I wanted to respond and quickly get to bed. I just felt a tiny light bulb, and I think I want to think about this a little more tomorrow.
Thanks!


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooTrusting, you said:

The thought trying to make sense in my head is that somehow the OVER respecting of other's boundaries may not be respecting someone else's boundaries.
It is not respecting YOUR boundaries. As partners of SAs, we learn to respect everyone else's boundaries, while constantly re-drawing the lines of our own. Learning how NOT to do that is difficult. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of time.

Kat,

My H found ways to act out in my presence, and I never knew until he told me. And I spent nearly 20 years trying to prevent acting out by being around all the time. Oh, the toll that took on me and my life!! Once I really understood that no amount of 'rules' or being around would change what he would do, I felt free. I had to get a concrete idea of what constituted a dealbreaker for me, with the understanding that consequences for crossed boundaries weren't intended to punish him, but to protect me and my value system from further damage. It took time and working the partner program at Recovery Nation for me to get there, but I feel so much better. Now, I am only responsible for my own actions and I don't bear the weight of his.

ETA: Torn, your situation, as surprising as it may be, isn't unusual. I thought you (and some of the other SA spouses) might gain some insight from this: http://www.marinerschurch.org/theshack/av/tuesday-video.html

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 4:14 AM, December 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooTrusting, you may have hit the nail on the head, with me anyway. Not that ThoughtIKnewYa has a valid point, totally right too, but I think in my case I have the potential of overstepping my bounds in assuming what other's boundaries are.

My case is a little different. I grew up in Houston in the 70s. Houston was extremely more diverse than most cities in the US at that time. And unlike older large cities that were also diverse (New York, Chicago, etc) it did not have the majority of its diversity separated in ethnic or religious enclaves, everybody was (for the most part) all mixed together. I know more cities are like that now, but back then not so much. And even now, the more I travel, the more I see - not so much.

Anyway, my point is I grew up exposed to a large number of different ethnicities and religions. I did, for example, know the difference between Chinese/Japanese/Korean/Cambodian/etc people by sight as a child, knew many of the cultural differences of each were, etc whereas the average random white yahoo from Texas probably did not. Further, I went to an EXTREMELY diverse college for undergrad, and traveled overseas a lot as a young adult. Lots of exposure to lots of different people. So I understand a lot of the motivations behind people's actions that others may not know.

For example, when I worked in the restaurant industry, there was a man that came in and asked to try the baked beans. I told him sure, but he should know they were made with bacon before he tried them, and then he said, oh yes, no I can't have that.

A coworker asked me after he left how I knew the man couldn't eat the beans. I knew from his dress (he was in particular garb, not regular clothes) that there was a very good chance that he was Muslim, although there were some vegetarian Hindis that also used the same dress in certain ceremonies. In either case it made it likely he was not supposed to have pork. So I was polite about pointing it out and he was grateful I understood his needs, if any one else in the store waited on him that day, they would have just given him the beans and he'd never know he ate pork. I explained this to my co-worker, and she said "How am I supposed to know stuff like that? No wonder you are such an excellent manager, you can read minds."

And it freaks people out sometimes, when I disclose things that isn't general knowledge by the average person not in an ethnic or religious group - no matter how delicate I am about it. I have freaked out a couple of african american people at my kids' schools with knowledge of black hair care products and black church culture, and I swear I was being sensitive - it was the fact that I knew it AT ALL that freaked them out.

But let's face it, I'm getting old so that PC filter on my mouth is starting to fail, and my current circumstances don't make it any better. And with getting old, being isolated, and not being immersed in this stuff any more my knowledge is bound to become dated if it isn't already. Perhaps that is a way I violate people's boundaries now. Even though the intent is to respect them, even to the point of compromising mine, maybe I'm missing something in translation.

This is WAY too deep thinking for me before my second cup of coffee.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my caffeine-deprived state, my previous post may not make sense without context. I am white, my DH is not. My kids look white, possibly hispanic (which my husband is not), but nothing like me. Until my kids call me mama, sometimes people are not sure if I am their mother.

My kids go to a very diverse school, to the point that white people are the minority. I am very familiar with the ethnic and religious backgrounds of the other more prevalent groups there. However, *here* I guess the different groups don't mix much and are not familiar with each other's differences. So I guess I stick out a bit because I encourage my kids to mix, and that I try to teach them why some of their friends can't eat hot dogs and baloney and why they have to do different things with their hair than they do. I'm not randomly spouting my collection of knowledge of other cultures to people out of context to show off what I know. It's all relevant to the situation at hand and in the context of accepting diversity in others.

So Keisha's mom might be taken aback I already understand going to have her girl's hair braided can be an all-day affair at the beauty shop, and that she might have a headache and be a bit cranky for a day or so afterward. And might find it strange I would relay that to my child, and that my child should be more patient and understanding with Keisha because her head hurts. I'm not making a display to Keisha's mom about how much I know about black hair care, LOL. But it still freaks Keisha's mom out this white lady from Texas knows this stuff about her child. So there is definitely potential for boundaries issues, I guess, even if unintentional.

Again, coffee deprived so apologies if that doesn't make sense.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely makes sense.
I am glad you understood where I was going with that train of thought. (sometimes its a short track!)

I totally agree with ITIKY, but it was a different angle that struck me last night.

I have a niece who is a little person. I always thought before she was born, that I was so "tolerant" (hate that word) and thought of others in all kinds of situations. I was a little arrogant and presumptuous.
I am really having a mini-ephiphany today. I can see in several circumstances I am guilty of this and can rethink my approach.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
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