Whether he is or not, I think you could benefit from a few things:
IC, preferably by a CSAT if possible, because they are trained to deal with the specific trauma of multiple betrayals of a spouse.
S-Anon or similar 12 step, so you can be in the physical company of others that have been in your shoes and benefit from that fellowship.
STD testing. If he's that promiscuous, there's no telling what you may have been exposed to. And it can be lethal. So if you haven't already, do it ASAP.
I'm so sorry you have been put in this position. I think at this point its best to disregard him for now and focus on you. When you are stronger, you will know what you need to do about him.
Just popping in and catching up on all the posts!
I wish I could respond to each and everyone but I would be on here all night!!
I did want to say ((HURT)) I am so sorry about your situation! How horrible. I know you were looking for comfort from H and I can only imagine the disappointment. Try not to take it personally. He seems to be sharing some important stuff and probably was excited to share with you. Still, I am saying prayers for you and your fmaily.
Kat...I just went away for 4 days with DD. She had to go for a job related thing and took the baby with her. I was the babysitter! I don't know how I did it but I just put him out of my head. Like others said, it doesn't matter if you are right there under their noses or days away from them..if they want to act out they are going to do it..regardless.
I second others and say just put some surviellence stuff so you can check up on him but don't make that a prioty(sp). Concentrate on yourself.
H did not act out at all while I was away and called me quite frequently. My DD said, man...can't you get a break at all!! LOL...if she only knew.
wouldn't it be great if we could install those fences around each other and then we would get zapped if we overstepped them! Even better yet...install them on our OS and let them get zapped!!
I had a revelation at my SCAT group therapy and it was about my voice. I was explaining how my H's cuz was telling me about their grandfather(who is now deceased). She was telling me about how not only did he have 10 children with his wife but there were also OC...most born while he was married(some were found out after he died) and he was also a Reverend at his church. The more she talked the more it bothered me cause she was making like he was a superstar or something. I finally said...What part of his cheating on his wife and having multiple children with these women and being a Reverend is okay? WHAT part is okay?!! All she could say at that point...well, he was special. UGH...a special a** is all I could think of.
Well, I was asked at this therapy..why did this anger me. It had nothing to do with me. For years I have been the one person that stood up for wrongs, principals..to the point, that I just figured it must be my destiny in life.
Well, let me tell you...it hit me that since I was abused sexually as a child...and I took my life back...I must've figured I needed to fix any wrongs I saw in my life and others.
So...now I have to figure out what is mine and leave others their stuff. I don't have to fight everyone's battles. I don't know how I am going to do this cause I am not one to close my eyes when I feel something is wrong.
I also realized that is my connection with H. I am his voice!! He looks to me to say what is what with his family, friends, and just things in general. I need to let him find his own voice in his past FOO issues and figure out how to grow up from them. I know this may sound simple but it is a tremendous revelation.
Well, thought I would share.
Last Wednesday was something for me day and I spent it with my SCAT therapy, slept late and got the Christmas party stuff ordered for the job!!
I am with my sister in "the happiest place on earth" My H isn't a fan of crowds or storybook characters. It is my dream come true. I can't wait for a grandbaby to bring here and spoil.
So I'm in the hotel with my S and singing "When you wish upon a star...and (personal favorite) A dream is a wish your heart makes" Sis applauds and we discuss how I never thought of the songs as meaning you need a MAN for your dreams to come true. It was more about the idyllic life, happiness , animals, dresses that swirled, grace and serenity and people who loved you, sure, but not the KISA to rescue you. Good thing I didn't have that dream too. I'd really be a mess :)
Her next words were "Well you really have had a fairy tale marriage."
She doesn't know our story. But I suspect my jaw was on the floor, so I said "Right! I married Goofy!"
Little do they know...
I really am hoping that when I confront him today that he will want to get help to stop, but I'm not counting on it. I think he's at the point that he truly believes the OW make him happier then I do and would risk losing me first then try and get help to stop his "addictions" He's very stubborn and headstrong. Would rather give up on our marriage then admit he has a problem.
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012
Kat, your post brought tears to my eyes, I am so glad you're in your "happy place". Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I'm married to "Grumpy". But if there was an 8th dwarf named, "Sleazy Lying Bastard", that would fit, too.
My AddictHusband may finally be through his denial about his addiction. He has been going to a meeting every day since june, is working with a sponsor who hasn't dumped him (as others have), goes the IC regularly, working the steps, looking hard for a job... I guess I should be on top of the world..... BUT,
Like many of you I am just not happy. Actually, I'm pretty sad most of the the time.
Like many of you, I had a picture perfect marriage for the 1st 10 years of our marriage. I spent hours and hours in therapy reviewing our courtship and our early marriage. THERE WERE NO WARNING SIGNS. For a period he was not acting out. Then he was exceptionally good at hiding what he was doing. It all went south when his father got sick and died.
Like some of you, I'm just really tired of dealing with the aftermath of his problem. I went to a wake last week and was really envious of the dead person. She gets to lay in a comfortable box, no one has any expectation of her, she doesn't need to worry about what to have for dinner, and she get all the people in her life to say only nice things about her. I'm not suicidal, just that tired.
Recently my therapist (who is also his) and I figured out that my AddictHusband deals with all problems in a avoident style. Meaning that he just waits and hopes the whole thing just blows over. Sadly, what he has done to me and the kids and everyone else in our lives is not going to just blow over. Therapist has strongly encouraged AddictHusband to initiate conversations about difficult subjects. He simply will not. And if he doesn't, our marriage is over in June 2013. I've told him as much. I will not put one iota of energy into our marriage until he makes some significant steps to reconcile what he has done. I'm working in therapy that it seems unlikely that he will rise to the occasion. So I'm preparing for the next chapter in my life.
At this point I am just praying that he gets a good job our of town. I just need the mental space to get my head straightened out.
So, I'm off to finish up some work for the office and then to help with homework.
Hope everyone has a good week.
Everything in your post feels so familiar to me. I had no warning signs at all the first time my husband started acting out seven years ago. At first the IC didn't believe me - she said there were always signs and that spouses suspected something on one level or another.
But before I finished my IC with her several wasted years later, she agreed with me. There were no warning signs.
That's the mind of an addict for you. So secretive. Compartmentalizing everything so skillfully. So manipulative.
To the day I die, I will feel incredible confusion and pain about how I felt I had the perfect marriage for so many years. How happy I was. How everyone around us believed in our marriage.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad. You've been through so much in the past six months. Anyone would be sad and exhausted. And traumatized. I wish I had some way of making you feel better. But instead all I can do is say that I can relate to your feelings, and I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that you feel better a little better each day.
ps: I haven't been to a funeral lately, and haven't thought about the box!, but I do spot people every day in my city and fantasize what it must be like to be them. The simpler the life the better. I think that it's just our way of craving PEACE in our lives. There's just no peace around addicts.
Not only are addicts master manipulators of their significant others, but they also manipulate themselves. They are constantly playing a role; dutiful and loving husband, devoted father, killer playboy, suave lover, spouse trapped in a loveless marriage (to a frigid shrew) We get caught up in it because we haven't been told what parts were are to play on a given day. It isn't until they begin to live a truly authentic life in recovery that they even begin to know who they really are. And the sad part is that ,by then, many of US have forgotten who WE really are. .
Hugs to all...and I hope that each of you can find a little joy in this holiday season. A little something just for you.
I have been badgered the last 4 days by SA. I am on egg shells in my own home. He says to me "this is what you want, this is your fault". He calls me at work, emails me to complain. He nit picks at everything about me. I think he is white knuckling. He has had rage for 4 days, then all of a sudden today, a little peaceful man. I am sure he was MB in the shower or something like that.
He still has his ring on. Keeping up the facade, blaming me because we all know it couldn't be HIM destroying our family and M. Argh!!!!!
I can't deal with the lies anymore. He lies about EVERYTHING. He lied and said he didn't see an email and it is still sitting on our joint email acct from 1 day ago. He is also self mutilating still.
I just think the walls are crashing down and I am the scapegoat.
Interesting that many of us have been sexually abused. Me too. Well Recoverynation.com and the book "Don't Call it Love" do mention this fact about SAs and their partners.
Well, thanks for saving me years of IC to conclude that there were no warning signs.
At this point I had to ask, why was I staying if I am not receiving love, affection or respect. Was it because of security? Financial issues? I have thus answered these questions. Its the norm, my comfort zone and knowing I gave it my all, that I am not a quitter. Showing that I was doing what was good and right.
Sorry for the venting....just thinking outloud.
Torn, I am so sorry. I think this is the turning point for you both. He is finding his bottom, maybe, and you are finding what your limit is. The important thing is for YOU to come out on top no matter what. What happens to him is out of your hands now. I'm thinking of you, mama.
I think like all of you I do a lot of things because I always did it that way, my comfort zone and routine, not because I wanted to or because it made sense. So I am trying to challenge that now. As much as I can, it requires realigning the way your think about everything.
Last week in my group someone said they had an issue with keeping their dining table clean, because they were conditioned to chaos and that was their comfort zone. I decided I had that issue too, and have kept both my dining table (which is too far from the kitchen for the kids to eat at, it is our homework/artwork/puzzle and game table) and my kitchen table (that we actually eat at) clean all week. So I could have some control in one little corner of my chaotic life, and challenge my comfort zone. Well, it has been tremendous. I have gotten so much done because I've had clean tables to work on. The kids have done a lot more activities because they've had room to do it and I've had time to prep stuff for them to do. So I see the power in challenging my comfort zone now, and need to apply it to all areas in my life.
I've had a tremendously busy weekend. And our toilet broke and needs to be replaced. WH went out and bought one, and then said to schedule a plumber to come and install it whenever it was convenient for me. Well, it's not ever convenient for me. It's the last week of school, I have things scheduled every morning and afternoon this week, thanks to taking back my life and self care stuff. In the past I would have canceled something, but no. So I told him maybe Friday (I don't think I have anything that day, but I can't be sure LOL) but if he wants it earlier than that HE has to work from home and do it. Luckily we have two other toilets, but as you can imagine having the kids' main bathroom makes getting three kids off in the morning, and ready for bed at night, much more difficult when their primary bathroom is out of commission.
Welcome to LostHope and welcome back to sager and cheetahbump.
I had a meltdown last night, probably related to all of the worry and stress surrounding waiting for my pathology results (which come in tomorrow). I ended up a sobbing mess on our bed, SAWH was angry at me because I'd dared to bring up 'the issue' and rock the boat by sharing my pain and asking questions. DD19 gathered me up and helped me make a bed on the couch and comforted me and hugged me. Made sure I took my meds. She kissed her dad goodnight and went back to bed. We hadn't been shouting, but our door was open and she heard me crying.
I feel like such a pressure cooker. I need to stop sharing with SAWH because I get an identical non-response every time. And my response is the same. I've built this unhelpful pattern and I'm struggling to break it. I'm in therapy, but I just can't make my heart understand that trying to share with him only brings more pain. Somehow in church yesterday I finally 'heard' that I need to stop expecting what he can't give: fidelity, support, affection, truth..that I *must* accept this and stop trying, stop reaching out. Continually reaching to him and getting emotionally beaten up is counterproductive and exhausting.
Re: why do I stay- great question, BTW. In my case, I've never had an emotionally connected relationship. My mother is BPD & NPD & my step dad abused me. My SAWH is a polyaddict in denial and is probably BPD. My only authentic emotionally connected relationships are with my friends and my kids. I stay with SAWH primarily because of financial issues, but also because emotional isolation is very familiar to me. Not comfortable, or what I want, just familiar.
Thanks for letting me vent.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
and you too cheetah!
I think caring about the wrongs done to others, is part of being a good human. As long as you dont lose yourself in the pain of doing that, I see it as a positive. You have a good heart, though its been bruised.
"Sleazy Lying Bastard"
Im really disturbed about this "no warning signs" trend. Do you now know that there was behavior during that period but no signs of it? Because mine had no signs, but also says there was not unhealthy behavior, and sometimes I wonder if its just that I don't know yet, but I somewhat believe it because it doesnt fit with what I saw or knew of him. Does that make any sense?
But dd... what do I do?! I tried to ask about it, vaguely, and of course she totally does not want to talk about it. Didnt really admit to hearing anything other than "yelling" and I dont know what to say to her.
Has this happened with your kids finding out? Do you talk to them and what do you say???? She is 15.
I have no idea, DP. At some point I will have to explain why DH and I disappear for 12 step and therapy every week, and warn the kids about addiction etc and I have no clue how to do that. Heck, we have not even had the birds and bees discussion (which I intended on doing over break, gah) so I am SO far behind in that respect. But if it's any clue, I bet you can give your children more credit than you think if what I hear from other BSs is any indication.
So I had an interesting epiphany in therapy today. She asked about my understanding of wants and needs, and WHs. And true to form, like most SAs, he has no true grip on wants vs. needs. He WANTS it all, doesn't want to give up any of it, entitlement, etc. Whereas I have a very firm grip on what basic needs to survive are, but I have trouble with allowing WANTS, and recognizing what wants/needs I need to THRIVE and not just survive. Apparently also pretty common in a spouse of a SA. Some spouses even have trouble recognizing NEEDS and thus stay in totally unsafe, unhealthy relationships and environments, so I need to get my stuff in check so I don't get that way. Any of this sounding familiar?
Anyway, none of this info was a surprise to me, but I think I have not recognized how much a source of conflict this causes with WH and I. We both WANT many of the same things, but we differ on what we think we NEED and what is expendable. Yet another thing we need to work on separately and then together.
Hath ~ thanks for sharing your therapy sessions with us. I have learned so much from you -- and all the others who post here.
Long story short -- my husband's brother had a small house he could not sell and he was willing to rent it. I told BIL and his wife I would take it in January, after the holidays. It was perfect, practically walking distance to my job, and in a great neighborhood. Last night after another argument with my WH, I contacted my SIL to tell her, AGAIN, I wanted the house. She said they had just rented it last week and someone was already moving in. WTF?????
I had confided in both of them about our marital situation and they seemed extremely sympathetic to me -- and very disappointed in WH. I was fully prepared to make the move. I never indicated otherwise.
I so sad right now. My Mom was admitted to the hospital this a.m. with suspected pneumonia. She has COPD and this is very dangerous. My job sucks, my H continues to "shut me down" the minute I open my mouth and oh yeah, I had 5 teeth pulled on Friday and now have a partial. This does wonders for my self-esteem as my WH chose women 20 years younger than me to have sex with. Oh, and my adult daughter broke up this weekend with the boyfriend we thought was our future son-in-law.
So sorry for the pity party, everyone. It was just a horrible weekend and I needed to vent. Thanks for listening...
The real clincher is that while my AddictHusband and I thought we were being so discrete for years.... the damn school taught them to read
They had seen the book titles in our room. So don't assume they don't know anything. They may know much more than you think.
((Ghost)) on the living situation. Honestly, IMHO, I would not rent from family, especially HIS family, during this time. You have no idea what WH is telling them, and even if they have the whole truth they may not want to appear to be taking sides. And god forbid you don't want to give him any opportunity to have access to where you live, and that is a possibility even without BILs knowledge. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise. That you go out, sign a LEASE YOUR OWN SELF somewhere officially will really make a statement.
But again IDK how that affects divorce and separation of assets, sometimes they say you should stay in the house for the best advantage, etc but I'm sure you have already consulted your lawyer about that.
My focus this week, since I had such success with the clean tables is to eat breakfast every day and read my motivational passage every morning. I have a lot of trouble fitting both in my day. So minor, but those things are so important in lining up all the ducks for the rest of the day.
Just thought I'd share that my children, 16 and 14 also know that my husband is sa. Today the 3 of us started a 4 day family treatment program to learn about coping and what this disease is really about. From therapy and talking with addictions counselor I have learned that they usually know more than we think they do and so we need to be open but cautious. Hugs to all