He's been with others for oral stuff and the online things are too numerous and despicable to really even describe.
And yet, this one (at least I currently think it's one) act hurts so much more. It's the one act, I fear I won't be able to get past.
Why do you think that is?
Sometimes you have to allow yourself the time to feel bad. You are entitled to. I don't know why you are fixated on this one thing today, I suspect another day you will obsess about something else.
Are you seeing a good IC? If he? I've forgotten, sorry. He/she can help you process some of the crap. And PLEASE don't feel bad for wanting to dump him. Yes, a disease, but not one that absolves him from personal responsibility. Truly, in your shoes, knowing what I know now, no kids, no obligations? You would be foolish NOT to consider it. Just give YOURSELF time to make a decision. Do it for you, so that in 10 years you can look back and have a clear heart about your choice.
You also need time just to process this whole UGLY SORDID mess. And that will take time. And the support of your circle of friends. Here, and IRL.
Hugs. and more Hugs.
If you are having trouble falling asleep without meds, I recently made a discovery that has helped me...I downloaded a hypnotism program to stop binge eating. It was actually a "groupon," for for about $10. I started using it a bedtime. It HAS helped the emotional eating and a side effect is that it helps me fall asleep. There are a number of similar relaxation programs on the web, maybe one would help.
He's headed to KeyStone for 6 weeks then to stay with his parents where he has access to numerous CSATs / 12 step groups.
Not sure what to do for me. I need to keep my job right now. Suggestions?
Do you have any access to an Sanon group? or COSA? I swear, those women saved my life. Look on the web, there should be a phone number, you'll leave a message, someone will call you back with meeting info. It isn't always posted because sometimes the wrong people look for meetings...
My IC isn't a CSAT but is VERY familiar with addictions. Look for someone like that. But if you can find a Sanon group, those folks will have, not only names, but IRL recommendations.
This addiction CAN be beat. I know of several long time addicted/long time recovered successful couples. Their marriages survived some of the sordid ugly stuff we did. Some worse. It really is about getting you BOTH healthy separately so that you can be a in successful partnership after that. So do focus on yourself. As much as you can.
PM me if you want.
I can't get over that also. The fact he shared intimate, emotional things with her. It wasn't just sex. He talked with her about our kids and everything else. He was pushing me away. Told me every time he looked at me he only saw kids and bills and nothing else.
Then, there's the contstant lies. So many veterans here have repeated "addicts lie" what are his actions. Well....he's abusive, angry and emotionally distant.
I know how hard it is to decide. We can't make those choices for you about your life, but we are here to listen and certainly understand the trauma and pain you are going through.
He is very eager to go to KeyStone - so eager that he actually called and asked if he could go a day early. He seems very resolved to get help and to lose his double life. He wants to be a better husband to me and to be a better man and not a creepy, predator scuzz ball. He really feels like "this time" it will be different...deja vu?
I feel like our whole marriage has been a sham. I've never once in our entire marriage been the only woman in his life. Why did he even propose? Because he thought it would change once we were engaged. Why did he marry me? Because he thought it would change once we were married. Why didn't he get help after we were married? Well, he hasn't been able to answer that one yet.
I have often wondered when I meet someone who's known him before they met me, why they can't look me in the eye. Well, now I know! He was probably hitting on them or watched him shamelessly hit on someone else! Who is this man I have married??? One of the things I liked about him when we first met was that he wasn't flirty; he didn't play mind games; he was refreshingly laid-back and straight-forward. Meanwhile the person he shows to everyone else is exactly the opposite: aggressive and flirty. I mean, WTF?!? Who is this person I married?!?
He says that he sees himself as two people - the real him and the addict. He says the him I know is the real him - the him he's proud of and wants to be all the time. The addict is the him he hates and is ashamed of. In his mind, if he can get rid of the addict, then we can have a happy life.
But how can someone be two people? He is both the him I know AND the addict.
So I don't know. I am so confused. My vision is blurring and I actually feel a buzz in my brain right now like I had a glass of wine even though I haven't. I guess the neurons in my brain are trying to rewire or something. They're as confused as I am.
I guess it's good that he wants to go. It's good that he wants to get better. I just can't help but feel like my entire marriage is a sham, the person I love is a fake, and sometimes, I wonder whether I truly exist or not, too.
See even my thoughts sound like I've been drinking. I am messed up. Going to bed and giving my brain a chance to recover...
I have a feeling many/most of us here reeled/are still reeling (I'm the latter) at the notion of WHO THE HELL DID WE MARRY???
HOW COULD I NOT HAVE FIGURED IT OUT SOONER???
Also, or at least for me,
WAS I EVER TRULY MARRIED???
I feel like I've been the only one who was married. As if I've been married to a single man.
I hope each of you were able to take a moment over the weekend and recharge your batteries. Hugs to all, especially to those of you who (like me) struggled over the weekend.
Early last week SAWH talked to my stepdad, who apparently gave him “a talking to” about events of the last two years. I only know because SAWH called me later to complain. I essentially told SAWH “so?” and he dropped it. The next day I found out DS16 had invited my parents to spend Christmas with us so they could hear DS’ solo at midnight mass- and they had accepted, although they (and I ) were worried about if/how SAWH would cope.
For the first time in many years my parents came to spend Christmas with us. It was joyful and heartwarming and stressful at the same time. I remembered just how much I miss the my parents’ company and support, while at the same time worrying that SAWH would be a total asswipe and make a scene, which in turn emphasized to me how much I want to get out of this living situation. A few weeks ago I decided that Christmas joy is an integral part of who I am, and I decided that no matter what happened I wouldn’t allow SAWH shenanigans to change that part of me, and this weekend was a small test of that decision. Miraculously we all survived without any scenes!
I was shocked to discover that ‘Santa’ had repaired my anniversary rings & put them in my stocking. After 21 months of not wearing any rings at all, I’m now wearing an anniversary band SAWH gave me for our tenth anniversary. It has been damaged & unworn for so long that DS16 thought it was new! How sad is that?! SAWH’s expression changed briefly when he heard DS say that to me. *sigh* I wish it was spontaneously fixed, but he paid for it because we had a fight a few months ago about why I don’t wear my wedding bands & I had to remind SAWH that none of them were wearable. Jeez. He’s just gotta keep up appearances. Heaven forbid he actually does something positive to express how he feels about me. I mean, even immediately after DDay #1 SAWH didn't do anything about *my* rings although he went and bought himself a new weddding band less than a month later- put it on in the store and wore it out of there without ever talking to me. As far as I'm concerned the whole 'I fixed your rings' is empty and meaningless. I’m wearing them and they feel weird. I feel weird. I don’t feel married any more. The rings feel ‘empty’ to me. The symbolism & emotional connection is gone.
Anyway, he’s working four days straight this coming weekend. Maybe it’ll be peaceful.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Yes, they do lead a double life. My SAWH has verbalized this to me as well. The books talk of a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde effect. The external person they show the outside world and their secret life of porn, sex parlors, etc.
The only way for them to get rid of the addict is thru sustained recovery actions. Something my SA will not recognize or do.
One of the core beliefs of an addict is that noone will love them as they are so they show the world someone different, someone they see as good.
Sabina, so happy you had a wonderful holiday! Funny enough my SA says the same for my wedding rings. He keeps looking at that finger, asks me why I took it off and says if we are working on the M it should be on. He wears his for appearances!
I think porn is one of the starting points for SA. Or it can even be its own addiction. But it doesn't really matter. If the behavior is causing difficulties in a person's life, if the behavior is esculating, if the person wants to stop but can't, they have an addiction problem.
Admitting he has a problem is the first step in the healing process. There are many resources found on the first page of this thread.
Keep posting and reading here. We'll help you though whatever you are facing.
It seems that he is very motivated to get well. Hopefully you will be able to participate in the family part of his program at Keystone and start to come to grips with your anger.
Remember, you don't need to make any decision about the rest of your life right now. Give yourself some time and space.
This does get better.
So I'm doing better. Christmas was okay. No drama of any kind. I think the kids were a little disappointed that Santa was a bit stingy this year. But at least they had the grace not to say anything.
Sadly, I'm really, really counting on this job in Boston to come through for my H. Most importantly, we need the money. Savings are almost gone. Bills keep coming, things keep breaking. Finances have been the most stressful part of H's addiction. There was the tens of thousands of dollars he has spent over the years, the loss of the job, the pending criminal charges which require attorney fees and restitution. Secondly, I really want him to be out of my house so I can figure out what I want. I'm sure he thinks that since I am cordial and not to crabby, it means that I intend to stay married to him. My mind is still not made up and he has a long way to go in convincing me he is a changed man. I just reiterate that I need to be happily married by June 2013 or I'm leaving the marriage.
I'm really looking forward to 2012. Fresh calendar, fresh attitude (I hope.)
He continues to screw with my head. His Xmas card to me included a handwritten note that said: "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you this year, or for that matter, ever. I love you, and hope to spend a very long, and very happy, lifetime with you, my beautiful wife.
*Le sigh* How I wish I could believe him!
Well we made it through Christmas. Our next challenge will be that sawh comes out of inpatient treatment tomorrow...I have made it very clear that I am unsure about where I stand in terms of relationship, I am confused. I don't feel married, I don't feel like we even have a relationship. I am very very confused....
I don't feel married, I don't feel like we even have a relationship. I am very very confused....
Ditto those feelings here. Wishing you well today hurt94. Keep us posted on how things go.
I don't think an addict is two people. Such a belief keeps a person from taking responsibility and owning what their addiction has done to them and all of the others around them.
I agree Sager. If he never embraces the addict as part of himself, then he will never get better.
Just went to gyn for STD panel. Lab tests back in 2 weeks. Fingers crossed.
It's never sexual and it's really not even all that flirty it's just general talking really.
I just don't know where to go from here.
Remindme... (gently, please), from here, maybe you have to draw the line in the sand. This is still infidelity. MUCH of my fWH's acting out was social, KISA, chatting, although IRL. Whether or not he is cheating in any traditional sense, he is disrespecting you, your marriage and your heart. I tolerated similar things because he TTed me and justified it by thinking they were "friends" "I am doing NOTHING wrong!" etc. I wish I had stood up for myself long ago. He may or may not be an SA. But he IS NOT being a faithful husband. We all deserve that.