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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'm also confused as to why I'm fixating on this one particular encounter, the one in which he had actual intercourse with someone else.

He's been with others for oral stuff and the online things are too numerous and despicable to really even describe.

And yet, this one (at least I currently think it's one) act hurts so much more. It's the one act, I fear I won't be able to get past.

Why do you think that is?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, WSis. My fWH had encounters of various sorts. I fixated on different things at different times. I didn't know about the PAs, thought they were EAs and still, they haunted me...that he was emotionally close to someone while pushing me away. After I knew about the PAs I fixated on aspects of those, what I knew. There was so much TT, I have lost track of what I knew and when I knew it. You are experiencing the mind movies we all live with.

Sometimes you have to allow yourself the time to feel bad. You are entitled to. I don't know why you are fixated on this one thing today, I suspect another day you will obsess about something else.

Are you seeing a good IC? If he? I've forgotten, sorry. He/she can help you process some of the crap. And PLEASE don't feel bad for wanting to dump him. Yes, a disease, but not one that absolves him from personal responsibility. Truly, in your shoes, knowing what I know now, no kids, no obligations? You would be foolish NOT to consider it. Just give YOURSELF time to make a decision. Do it for you, so that in 10 years you can look back and have a clear heart about your choice.

You also need time just to process this whole UGLY SORDID mess. And that will take time. And the support of your circle of friends. Here, and IRL.

Hugs. and more Hugs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, December 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW have you read Mending a Shattered Heart? Your Sexually Addicted Spouse? The first is comforting, the second absolves you of the co dependent label with a MUCH better explanation...IMHO.

If you are having trouble falling asleep without meds, I recently made a discovery that has helped me...I downloaded a hypnotism program to stop binge eating. It was actually a "groupon," for for about $10. I started using it a bedtime. It HAS helped the emotional eating and a side effect is that it helps me fall asleep. There are a number of similar relaxation programs on the web, maybe one would help.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The nearest CSAT is 3 hours away. The therapist we had before was not a CSAT and really didn't help.

He's headed to KeyStone for 6 weeks then to stay with his parents where he has access to numerous CSATs / 12 step groups.

Not sure what to do for me. I need to keep my job right now. Suggestions?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, December 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, KeyStone is where my fWH was scared sober so that is a good thing! He wasn't an inpatient, but attended the 12 step meetings and heard some things that really frightened him.

Do you have any access to an Sanon group? or COSA? I swear, those women saved my life. Look on the web, there should be a phone number, you'll leave a message, someone will call you back with meeting info. It isn't always posted because sometimes the wrong people look for meetings...

My IC isn't a CSAT but is VERY familiar with addictions. Look for someone like that. But if you can find a Sanon group, those folks will have, not only names, but IRL recommendations.

This addiction CAN be beat. I know of several long time addicted/long time recovered successful couples. Their marriages survived some of the sordid ugly stuff we did. Some worse. It really is about getting you BOTH healthy separately so that you can be a in successful partnership after that. So do focus on yourself. As much as you can.

PM me if you want.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, December 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WSisanAddict)) I am so sorry for your pain. I have been married for over 20 years, have 3 kids with him, filed for divorce, moved out and still I am struggling with my decision.

I can't get over that also. The fact he shared intimate, emotional things with her. It wasn't just sex. He talked with her about our kids and everything else. He was pushing me away. Told me every time he looked at me he only saw kids and bills and nothing else.

Then, there's the contstant lies. So many veterans here have repeated "addicts lie" what are his actions. Well....he's abusive, angry and emotionally distant.

I know how hard it is to decide. We can't make those choices for you about your life, but we are here to listen and certainly understand the trauma and pain you are going through.

Hugs, torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had a 2-hour phone conversation with WS. Found out some more things, including that one of his sexting partners was a good friend of mine in real life (immediately unfriended her on facebook!). Oddly, knowledge of that particular affair made me feel better in some ways. I know her so well - I know I'm more physically attractive than her, which is a big deal to me today for some reason.

He is very eager to go to KeyStone - so eager that he actually called and asked if he could go a day early. He seems very resolved to get help and to lose his double life. He wants to be a better husband to me and to be a better man and not a creepy, predator scuzz ball. He really feels like "this time" it will be different...deja vu?

I feel like our whole marriage has been a sham. I've never once in our entire marriage been the only woman in his life. Why did he even propose? Because he thought it would change once we were engaged. Why did he marry me? Because he thought it would change once we were married. Why didn't he get help after we were married? Well, he hasn't been able to answer that one yet.

I have often wondered when I meet someone who's known him before they met me, why they can't look me in the eye. Well, now I know! He was probably hitting on them or watched him shamelessly hit on someone else! Who is this man I have married??? One of the things I liked about him when we first met was that he wasn't flirty; he didn't play mind games; he was refreshingly laid-back and straight-forward. Meanwhile the person he shows to everyone else is exactly the opposite: aggressive and flirty. I mean, WTF?!? Who is this person I married?!?

He says that he sees himself as two people - the real him and the addict. He says the him I know is the real him - the him he's proud of and wants to be all the time. The addict is the him he hates and is ashamed of. In his mind, if he can get rid of the addict, then we can have a happy life.

But how can someone be two people? He is both the him I know AND the addict.

So I don't know. I am so confused. My vision is blurring and I actually feel a buzz in my brain right now like I had a glass of wine even though I haven't. I guess the neurons in my brain are trying to rewire or something. They're as confused as I am.

I guess it's good that he wants to go. It's good that he wants to get better. I just can't help but feel like my entire marriage is a sham, the person I love is a fake, and sometimes, I wonder whether I truly exist or not, too.

See even my thoughts sound like I've been drinking. I am messed up. Going to bed and giving my brain a chance to recover...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, December 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, WSiaA. ((((HUGS))))

I have a feeling many/most of us here reeled/are still reeling (I'm the latter) at the notion of WHO THE HELL DID WE MARRY???

Also,

HOW COULD I NOT HAVE FIGURED IT OUT SOONER???

Also, or at least for me,

WAS I EVER TRULY MARRIED???

I feel like I've been the only one who was married. As if I've been married to a single man.


((((MORE HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8791 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Everyone~

I hope each of you were able to take a moment over the weekend and recharge your batteries. Hugs to all, especially to those of you who (like me) struggled over the weekend.

Early last week SAWH talked to my stepdad, who apparently gave him “a talking to” about events of the last two years. I only know because SAWH called me later to complain. I essentially told SAWH “so?” and he dropped it. The next day I found out DS16 had invited my parents to spend Christmas with us so they could hear DS’ solo at midnight mass- and they had accepted, although they (and I ) were worried about if/how SAWH would cope.

For the first time in many years my parents came to spend Christmas with us. It was joyful and heartwarming and stressful at the same time. I remembered just how much I miss the my parents’ company and support, while at the same time worrying that SAWH would be a total asswipe and make a scene, which in turn emphasized to me how much I want to get out of this living situation. A few weeks ago I decided that Christmas joy is an integral part of who I am, and I decided that no matter what happened I wouldn’t allow SAWH shenanigans to change that part of me, and this weekend was a small test of that decision. Miraculously we all survived without any scenes!

I was shocked to discover that ‘Santa’ had repaired my anniversary rings & put them in my stocking. After 21 months of not wearing any rings at all, I’m now wearing an anniversary band SAWH gave me for our tenth anniversary. It has been damaged & unworn for so long that DS16 thought it was new! How sad is that?! SAWH’s expression changed briefly when he heard DS say that to me. *sigh* I wish it was spontaneously fixed, but he paid for it because we had a fight a few months ago about why I don’t wear my wedding bands & I had to remind SAWH that none of them were wearable. Jeez. He’s just gotta keep up appearances. Heaven forbid he actually does something positive to express how he feels about me. I mean, even immediately after DDay #1 SAWH didn't do anything about *my* rings although he went and bought himself a new weddding band less than a month later- put it on in the store and wore it out of there without ever talking to me. As far as I'm concerned the whole 'I fixed your rings' is empty and meaningless. I’m wearing them and they feel weird. I feel weird. I don’t feel married any more. The rings feel ‘empty’ to me. The symbolism & emotional connection is gone.

Anyway, he’s working four days straight this coming weekend. Maybe it’ll be peaceful.

~Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WS))). I am sorry for your pain. The good news is that he recognizes he needs help.

Yes, they do lead a double life. My SAWH has verbalized this to me as well. The books talk of a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde effect. The external person they show the outside world and their secret life of porn, sex parlors, etc.

The only way for them to get rid of the addict is thru sustained recovery actions. Something my SA will not recognize or do.

One of the core beliefs of an addict is that noone will love them as they are so they show the world someone different, someone they see as good.

Sabina, so happy you had a wonderful holiday! Funny enough my SA says the same for my wedding rings. He keeps looking at that finger, asks me why I took it off and says if we are working on the M it should be on. He wears his for appearances!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post here. H thinks he might have a porn addiction. How is that different from a sexual addiction? Or is it?


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (18), 1 stepdaughter (26)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Nov 2010
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sudra,

I think porn is one of the starting points for SA. Or it can even be its own addiction. But it doesn't really matter. If the behavior is causing difficulties in a person's life, if the behavior is esculating, if the person wants to stop but can't, they have an addiction problem.

Admitting he has a problem is the first step in the healing process. There are many resources found on the first page of this thread.

Keep posting and reading here. We'll help you though whatever you are facing.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I don't think an addict is two people. Such a belief keeps a person from taking responsibility and owning what their addiction has done to them and all of the others around them. The addict is part of them. The "good" side is the part that will help them recover. But they need to own the addict. And more importantly, come to understand the addict part. That is the side that is broken. Whatever drove them to the addictive behaviors must be understood.

It seems that he is very motivated to get well. Hopefully you will be able to participate in the family part of his program at Keystone and start to come to grips with your anger.

Remember, you don't need to make any decision about the rest of your life right now. Give yourself some time and space.

This does get better.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

So I'm doing better. Christmas was okay. No drama of any kind. I think the kids were a little disappointed that Santa was a bit stingy this year. But at least they had the grace not to say anything.

Sadly, I'm really, really counting on this job in Boston to come through for my H. Most importantly, we need the money. Savings are almost gone. Bills keep coming, things keep breaking. Finances have been the most stressful part of H's addiction. There was the tens of thousands of dollars he has spent over the years, the loss of the job, the pending criminal charges which require attorney fees and restitution. Secondly, I really want him to be out of my house so I can figure out what I want. I'm sure he thinks that since I am cordial and not to crabby, it means that I intend to stay married to him. My mind is still not made up and he has a long way to go in convincing me he is a changed man. I just reiterate that I need to be happily married by June 2013 or I'm leaving the marriage.

I'm really looking forward to 2012. Fresh calendar, fresh attitude (I hope.)

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager, same, same. A very lean Xmas thanks to WH's legal and financial problems.

He continues to screw with my head. His Xmas card to me included a handwritten note that said: "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you this year, or for that matter, ever. I love you, and hope to spend a very long, and very happy, lifetime with you, my beautiful wife.

*Le sigh* How I wish I could believe him!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,

Well we made it through Christmas. Our next challenge will be that sawh comes out of inpatient treatment tomorrow...I have made it very clear that I am unsure about where I stand in terms of relationship, I am confused. I don't feel married, I don't feel like we even have a relationship. I am very very confused....


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel married, I don't feel like we even have a relationship. I am very very confused....

Ditto those feelings here. Wishing you well today hurt94. Keep us posted on how things go.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think an addict is two people. Such a belief keeps a person from taking responsibility and owning what their addiction has done to them and all of the others around them.

I agree Sager. If he never embraces the addict as part of himself, then he will never get better.

Just went to gyn for STD panel. Lab tests back in 2 weeks. Fingers crossed.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
remindme11411
♀ Member
Member # 33058
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked at the checklist and I'm not sure if he really fits it. But he can't stop going to dating sites. He told me this last time that he can't tell me why he looks at them he just does.

It's never sexual and it's really not even all that flirty it's just general talking really.

I just don't know where to go from here.


BSO - Me (24)
WSO- Him (28)
13 month old DS
Status - not sure most days

Posts: 327 | Registered: Aug 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: Two people/addict. My SAfWH says that sometimes in SA meetings people will even talk about "my addict" as though it is truly a different person. Although most of the recovery talk I've heard doesn't in any way let these folks shy away from their responsibility for their actions, I agree this is so off-putting. My fWH doesn't like it either, although he does FEEL as though it were some other crazy, stupid, fool who behaved in that way, hence the shame he still has to deal with. He uses that to help him stay sober.

Remindme... (gently, please), from here, maybe you have to draw the line in the sand. This is still infidelity. MUCH of my fWH's acting out was social, KISA, chatting, although IRL. Whether or not he is cheating in any traditional sense, he is disrespecting you, your marriage and your heart. I tolerated similar things because he TTed me and justified it by thinking they were "friends" "I am doing NOTHING wrong!" etc. I wish I had stood up for myself long ago. He may or may not be an SA. But he IS NOT being a faithful husband. We all deserve that.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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