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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, I am responding to your post on page 28 as well as others. I so feel your pain and confusion. I went through the same feelings with my ex (who was a compulsive masterbater as well as addicted to porn and other women). All I can advise is based off my experience that I wish I'd known some of these things about him BEFORE I had children. But, his addictive behaviors came out in full force after we had children. I refused to leave the kids with him unattended until they were school age. Yes, my life was a living hell for those years.

You are in a rock and a hard place because you have your priorities of wanting to have children and become a mother and love them dearly. I can't tell you whether to leave him or not but what I can say is that no matter how much work he does, he's got an addiction just like alcohol, drugs, etc... and he will battle with it for the rest of his life. Your future children will be impacted by his recovery one way or the other. Not the end of the world and some people's stories turn out better than others. Mine just turned out sour as his masterbation compulsion went untreated, therefor he escalated to actual physial affairs and lots and lots of porn that I feel certain my kids had seen at some point.

We are all here for you and know that you will know what the right thing for you to do is. Your gut is your most powerful weapon. Mine told me NOT to leave him until they were grown, so that's what I did.

Good luck.


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if I should do this but felt it was good and if it helps anyone worth getting scolded SA SANON international convention is in Newark, NJ Jan 13-15 please go to www.sa.org and then to member services convention registration BW and I will be there
G


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

Got bad news from the doctor yesterday. The thing they took off my back last week was a basal cell carcanoma. Not the worst kind of cancer, but one more thing in my life that will need regular attention. And yesterday was my birthday.

You know I just don't think I can take one more thing. God is truly overestimating my strength and grace to deal with adversity. I'm really burned out and just want a mess of good things to come my way. Really and truly, I need them right now.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Sager, I misread this post to think you said it was NOT malignant...

Wishing the best for you and hoping you are taking care of you...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:24 PM, December 30th (Friday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2931 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager,

Prayers and hugs for you. God does seem to overestimate our strength doesn't he? Draw strength from wherever you can. I don't know how I am even surviving these days but si gives me some strength. Take care. Pm me if you want, we can share stories of strength!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love you Sager. You are the bread and butter of this forum - full of wisdom and grace. Praying for you every day.

((((((((Hugs))))))))))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager~ Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Sending you prayers and strength, sweetie....


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Concerned  Posted: 6:20 AM, December 31st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww..Sager! What awful news! Hugs and prayers and wishes for strength and peace coming your way.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 31st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. I am determined to start 2012 with an optimistic attitude. Things can only get better from here.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and joyful 2012.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 31st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((((sager)))))))))))))

Hope next year is better than this one!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, December 31st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wishing everyone a happier 2012. Thanks for letting me join your circle.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C.S. Lewis


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heading back to work tomorrow for the first time since Dday. WS used to work there too so everyone knows about what went down. I've been reading rumors about the situation on Topix, which are even worse. It's going to be awkward. Hate this...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in with you all. I am wishing you a healthy, happy (in the best capacity that you can considering) New Year.

Sager..sorry about your news..glad you were proactive about getting it checked out and now you know to keep an eye out on yourself.

Things quiet on my homefront. I managed to detach and have a great holiday!!

I am taking things a day at a time and not taking on anyone's problems except my own.

Hang in there all!!! I am rooting for all of us!1


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, hold you head up, you did nothing wrong. Get through the day, come back and we are here for you.

Remember to eat healthy and drink lots of water. Take care of your physical self so you'll have the strength to take care of your emotional stuff. Hugs to you...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2931 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,
Ditto what Scaredykat said. You did nothing wrong so don't get sucked in thinking you did. With the right attitude, they will be more uncomfortable than you. I bet no one will even say anything 'cause they won't know what to say. Focus on the work and the day will just fly by.

If anyone does say anything, just smile sweetly and say something to the effect that of course they should understand that you are not able to discuss the situation. End of story.

You'll be in my thoughts. let us know how you made out.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, January 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, small problem. Addict husband is actually stepping up. He cleaned the bathroom today (a complete miracle!). Yesterday he fixed a leaking toilet. Also vacuumed up the mess caused by needing to take down part of a ceiling. It's all kind of creepy.

Also, he is trying to get closer physically. Like he's just rubbing my shoulders and stuff like that. I could so easily get sucked in again.

This is all just confusing me. Isn't this what I've been asking for?


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well sawh is out of treatment program ready for full on marriage but since he's been gone I have really had time to think, get my life back, been happy, not tense. I don't know anymore if I want to stay...I did at first but throughout family program it was stressed how this is a chroionic relapse disease, I just don't know if I truly want this life?? I'm so confused and I don't want to hurt him. My children don't want him around...I was optimistic that once he got out of treatment things would be easier but they are not...


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt,
I understand where you are at. Maybe just some time....

Re: the kids. As I explained to my daughter when she asked about me divorcing my H - I said that if we divorced I would be off the hook. However, he would be her father forever. It was in her best interest to find a way to understand what he did, and not to forget, but to at least comes to terms with it. your kids are old enough to understand addiction and have honest conversations with their father about it. The good news is that it is between them. you don't need to be involved.

Hope all works out in a way that brings you the most peace and joy.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year everyone!

Thinking of you, WS. Hope your first day back goes smoothly.

Sager, so sorry about the carcinoma. I swear I think SA gives spouses really bad physical ailments, and it sucks. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

My WH was also bodysnatched. I don't know who this man is, LOL. I'm wondering if it's a new year's thing. You know, they watch too much it's a wonderful life at Xmas, then get inspired by new year's resolutions, whatever. He was extremely helpful and patient over the holidays. Then we shared a bottle of wine over New Years eve, which we rarely do, and he was a cheap drunk and spilled all sorts of things. About his undying love for me, his new commitment to IC, 12 step, fleshing out the recovery plan, planning nights out and trips with me without kids, and to do WHATEVER it takes to earn back my love and trust that he does not deserve. This is a man who does not normally "share" stuff like that. Like I said, I am wondering how much of it is new years backlash, how much of it may be the six months of sobriety and doing the class, if he found stuff I wrote, the heart to heart we had before Xmas, maybe he finally convinced himself I'm not leaving, etc. I just can't enjoy the moment, I want to know if it will stick. Which of course takes time. Bleah.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I read the recent posts..all I could think was thank goodness we have the means and support NOT to let our guards down. It sucks but that is the reality we live now. BUT I am grateful that I am able to have the awareness.
If I didn't...I would have thought all was okay. H is acting very much like others have posted.
While, it would be nice to live in la la land and pretend none of the past existed..I know better. We all know better. THAT is a good thing!
It helps us focus on recovery of ourselves. We will get better inspite of ourselves...wheather we like it or not..we have changed already.
Some of it painful, some of it sad, some of it devastating or all of the above but the one thing that still stands is yourself.
We are a strong bunch of people and by everything I read so far...intelligent, honest, open, and even funny.
So count the blessings not the evil.
Thank you for being there...even when I can't/don't post often!

((((hugs)))


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
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