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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl
UGH. I have BTDT with the photos. It is seriously horrifically traumatizing. Almost impossible to get those images out of your head, and totally agree on potential exposure to kiddos and the aftereffects of that. (((HUGS))) Never occurred to me to give the evidence to the therapist. I will have to remember that. Hang in there.


Ghost
(((HUGS))) No man is worth killing yourself over. Seriously. They aren't worth it. I hope you can find some peace and serenity, and some hope in other areas of your life and that he can just back off. Depression is a bitch.

ChoosingHope
If all they get is yelled at, I say they got off easy.

WS
(((HUGS))). MIL is a piece of work, eh? Sigh. I think your WH now has some hard core proof of his FOO. My condolences.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not have the best day yesterday.

Nothing big, just woke up feeling like crap. Physically and emotionally. So I decided to stay in bed a while. These past 7-8 months since DDay, I have never stayed in bed past 9am ever. I have littles, they make it hard to sleep in even under the best of circumstances. But yesterday morning was Sunday, and I realized there was another responsible adult, the other parent no less, in the house, and HE could deal with the kids that day.

He was not pleased. He was not especially quiet and found many opportunities to disturb me, including taking our 3YO to our bathroom instead of the other two bathrooms in the house. Then at 11:30, he said he was going to the mall to get a car charger for his new iPhone :rolleyes:. I said, so you are leaving me with the kids now? And he looked at me like what was the big deal, like it was no big deal I was still in bed at 11:30 even though it was the first time that's happened in eight years. I just rolled over and ignored him.

He came back right before he was about to leave, and he asked if I needed anything. I said I needed a lot of things. Then he just up and left. I heard him tell the kids don't bug mama unless it's an emergency, and they entertained themselves for the entire hour he was gone. I did get up at one point and made myself coffee went back to bed. Not long after that WH came home and 3YO was looking for me, and he told him not to bug mama she was sleeping. And 3YO told him that was not the case, he saw me making coffee.

Anyway, WH came up and threw a box on the dresser. Box of chocolates from the mall. This is a man who pretty much never gives chocolates or flowers. So I guess it was his way of saying sorry, IDK. But he continued to be an ass the rest of the day, as much as he could without being ugly in front of the kids. At one point
I actually said to him during an argument he was trying to pick with me, "The double standard does not apply to you." And in that moment, I truly believed it. We called a truce last night, but I'm still not happy with the way he acted all day. And I'm sure he's not happy with the way I acted either, but the difference is I don't care.

I'm going to try to be better today. Better for me.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:35 AM, January 23rd (Monday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SA Spouses))

SK said:

It's not always about being kind and considerate. Addicts will take that and use it to wrap the garbage. if you can God bless you, you do it for yourself anyway. But an addict will use it against you as surely as you breathe.

I agree that addicts will take and use kindness and consideration and use it against someone. That's what an addict does. It's a function of how they think. For me, though, expressing how I feel in a constructive non-attacking manner, being kind, being considerate, *is for ME*. Not for him. I will not be stripped of my self by him. *I* am better than how I've occasionally behaved and it's time for me to step up and 'act my age' so to speak. My IC works with me to express how I truly feel deep inside, constructively. In a way that authenticates me. What he does with this information is completely up to him. I've no control over him at all. If he uses my words against me- and he does- then it is a reminder to me of who *he* is- an addict hanging on by his fingernails.


ETA:

Hath, we cross posted. SAWH behaves in a similar manner sometimes. Very passive agressive, very put upon. As if any act of fatherhood, of consideration, of basic humanity, is more than we should ask. I'm glad you stood your ground and took care of yourself, honored your own needs. Keep up the good work!

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 8:31 AM, January 23rd (Monday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help me- I just found out my WH is an SA in September, and since then it has been a larger and darkening abyss, each day. The Verizon bill online shows 7355 texts, not even counting phone calls in December... He stopped talking to one girl and went directly to another.... I have tried to love this man... and have supported him through 9 deployments, and on his 6th he had a near crash incident over Iraq and now has Complex PTSD and then the sexaholism showed up in the forms of going on FB finding girls from his old neighborhood and having PAs/EAs...... He is on his 10th deployment now, and is insisting on a divorce (for the third time) and thinks he wants to spend his life with a girl he only started talking to on 13 December, then by 20 December he was saying "I want to make my life with you." Then by 29 December he was diverting money from his military pay to an account that she is a payee on.... His commander wanted to command him into help, but legal red tape stopped him, due to the fact that he "does his job". Why can't my husband be sick of himself? I am supposed to get a restraining order against him, as they are afraid he is at the paranoid part of PTSD, and he has been stalking OW3 so that she had to take legal action. This girl will tire like the rest of them.... and then file some type of report against him, because he becomes obsessive. I am having a hard time letting this go... I just want him to get help. I faithfully attend S-Anon..... He went to 2 SA meetings, but claims he has no problems. Yet, 2 PAs, 4EAs, and 3 dating sites and 12,000 texts alone to different women from December to Jan.... denial much?


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pink ~ I'm off to work, so I can't give you the response right now you so deserve. I just want to say I'm sorry for your pain, but you've come to the right group. Others will come along who will help you navigate through this river of pain.

Keep posting. The women here are wise, compassionate and knowledgeable. I'll check back tonight after work. Sending you strength and hugs...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pink)))

I don't know a lot about military, but I thought they took adultery seriously as a punishable offense? And definitely I thought they didn't let a father divert child support funds. All I can suggest keep filing whatever paperwork necessary, because the red tape excuse only works for so long until the evidence is overpowering.

It's time to let him go, at least for the time being. Get your ducks in a row to PROTECT YOU. Get a lawyer to see what your options are to limit the liability of his actions on you. File a protection motion if you need to. File for $ support, whatever you are entitled to, pronto before he starts sending all his money somewhere else. Drain any bank account he has access to and put it into one of yours he does not. Do whatever it takes to get him a psych evaluation, so you can have evidence he's not well and should stay away from people and probably should be in medical care and not deployed. Start getting your documentation together for D, even if you don't want to go that route, because he can file against you and *you* want to be prepared for that.

You do have IC, right? You NEED this now, you are under attack. Somebody that can help you process your feelings and help you put together a plan B, because it sounds like you are going to need one.

(((pink))) I am so sorry this is happening to you. What can we do to help YOU?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I do have a IC, I go to every week, and S-Anon every week. I also- for good measure go to Co-D 12 step meetings, as well. I have an atty... But, with him being deployed I cannot serve him until he is back. I almost hate him right now. Why would he want to talk to these horrible women, and forsake his family? Such a sick addict. I have gotten a full time job, that he didn't know about until my oldest ranted to him about how I can do better than him- and find someone that doesn't cheat and that I will be broadcasting on the news soon, and he will be sorry, wishing he hadn't thrown his life away on tramps, that don't care about him. Just in a lot of pain.... The Base Victims Advocate wants him to show out in front of law enforcement, so he can get arrested and then get some help. I know he cannot be happy doing this stuff.... But, what is it going to take.


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Pink)))

I wanted to stand up and applaud when I read this. Go girl, you ARE getting your ducks in a row.

IDK. It seems for many they must hit the very bottom very hard to quit. The military needs to stop deploying him, he's unstable and could put others at risk if he snaps. He will have no consequences for his actions if they keep sending him abroad - and with no real consequences, it's only going to get worse.

I hope when he gets back, he gets the full smackdown. And if I were you, I'd say it's D or you check into a full time inpatient center for SOMETHING when he does get back. He's clearly very sick, and needs help.

Stop watching the runaway train. Focus on you and your kids. How you can make YOUR lives better NOW. (((pink)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, hath... I just pieced together the phone records and a very helpful hotel clerk.... and have now got proof of three encounters... and one was the night before he left, he could have spent with the girls and he was with her.... he didn't know it was his last night, but it was.


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pink carnation,

Welcome. I am glad that you are getting support from S-Anon. S-Anon is a lifesaver! It is good that you are focusing on you, your kids, and moving on.

I am having a hard time letting this go... I just want him to get help.

Very gently, I am going to agree with hath.

Stop watching the runaway train. Focus on you and your kids. How you can make YOUR lives better NOW.

You cannot "help" him, only yourself. He has to make the decision that his life is unmanageable. He may never enter recovery. That is the truth. Or he may hit his rock bottom eventually. There comes a time where you have to put on your oxygen mask and take care of yourself (and your kids).

I realize that SA is new to you, but obsessing over his sickness is not helping you. Do you require more proof for D proceedings? If not, I would quit looking. There comes a point where knowing more is not going to change the outcome. You already know he is sick and in denial. You cannot change or control him.

Take care of YOU!



Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,

Be gentle with yourself. I understand what you are saying about blaming and shaming, but I want to remind you that this is a man who is not in any sort of recovery, locked you out of the house, has been having sex with you without your consent (while you are under the influence of sleeping pills), etc.

Given my horrible behavior towards SAWH, where is his incentive to repair, improve, to change our M? Why work on a relationship that hurts so much? If it were me in his place, Id absolutely refuse to work on a M where I was relentlessly punished all the time.

I don't think ANYONE would agree with this statement at this point, given his behavior. I am sorry, but I think you have been so abused by this man that you are taking on blame that doesn't belong to you.

From what I know of you, you ARE a beautiful, compassionate, loving person. You are NOT some mean awful woman who deserves any of this!

I understand wanting to be above fighting, yelling, etc. But for you to take blame for his addiction is not right. His SA has destroyed your marriage, not some horrible way that you behaved towards him. It really makes me sad to see you take on a responsibility for his recovery that is not yours. He has to chose it, and he is not. Being compassionate towards him will not change that outcome.

Was my marriage perfect? NO! Did I have blame in our arguments or the dysfunction. Yes. But I did not cause his SA or the destruction that it brought us. I did play a part in the dance of living in a household of addiction.

I am really hoping for you that you will find a safer and saner living situation soon. Take care of YOU. YOU are worth it, sister!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl,

I think you have had a HUGE epiphany. You are getting it!

I prayed this afternoon, and while I was praying a revelation came to me.
My grandmother did nothing, and my paternal grandfather molested either all of his kids, or most of his kids.

My father & mother did nothing, and so my grandfather molested me and most of his grandchildren.

Am I going to also do nothing? Am I going to allow this curse to pass on to another generation by risking my precious children seeing something my sick WH has around the house? Or worse, what if he acts out some day & molests them???

Am I going to do nothing to prevent harm from coming to my children?

Addiction is cyclical. We come from dysfunctional (and oftentimes addictive) backgrounds. We marry people from similar backgrounds. We may not have the same addictions as our parents/grandparents. Our children suffer the consequences, be it physical/emotional harm. They grow up and perpetuate the cycle. Rinse and repeat.

Being sexually abused is a trait that a lot (not all) of SA's and their spouses share. Interesting, isn't it? I think that when I really made the clean break from my FOO is when I realized that they were starting to behave abusively towards my children. See, as a child I could take a lot of abuse and I didn't feel like I was worth anything or mattered. But my kids? HELL NO! They are worth it and matter to me. Sadly enough, my kids have been exposed to SA and know the sickness. They know and disrespect that I hid his SA for years, because I thought staying for the kids was best. It has harmed them living in this dysfunction. They have seen things they shouldn't. It has messed them up.

I know that the pictures were sickening and terrible to find, but it may help you. And at least YOU found them, and not the kids! Thank heavens. I know from previous posts that you are considering remaining in the situation with him in limbo. Speaking as someone who lived in the limbo of knowing that my H was a SA for years, I don't recommend it. It is draining. It eats at you. The addiction takes your focus. And eventually your kids will see something. They will know. Even if they don't know, it will affect them.

I am glad you have an IC. Do you have an S-Anon group? Please, take care of YOU! Hugs.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally read my H's 8th/9th step amends letter. He has had it ready for me for awhile, but I wanted to wait to read it until I was ready. I wish I could copy it word for word here, but it is a 5 page letter. It was amazing. It shows how far he has come on his journey.

I will try to summarize. He first discusses how important it has been to work the steps and to mature in his recovery before beginning amends, so that the amends are not about him and his need to unburden himself of his wrongs, but rather to focus on the pain he has caused me and what I need of him.

He then goes on to list things he needs forgiveness for: abandoning me emotionally, with fantasy, physically, intimately, and as a parent. He asks forgiveness for breaking his vows (adultery) and sexual sins. He asks forgiveness for manipulation, passive aggressive behaviors, lying, and anger issues. He asks forgiveness for sexually focusing on other women (i.e. scanning) and for the insecurities that I feel that he has fed with his addiction. He also asks forgiveness for the shame that his addiction has brought into our lives and the way that it has affected our children.

After each offense he lists, he also has listed his action plans to combat the offense or the amend that he is making.

An example:

I admit my manipulative nature and past actions. I can be very passive aggressive, it is child learned ability that is all too easy for me to perform. In the past I would try to make myself look good through "selfless" acts with the conscious or unconscious need to shame and guilt you.

Going forward I will try to monitor my actions and analyze why I am doing what I am doing. If I find that I am being manipulative, I will cease and I will admit to my actions. If I am unaware that I am being so and you denote that I am being passive aggressive, I will be open to what you are saying, and not become defensive.

He had this letter reviewed by both his sponsor and CSAT. I was very overwhelmed reading it. He remains very committed to recovery, and as always, I remain cautiously optimistic about our future. It is my hope, and his, that our children will experience healing at some point, too. I am hoping that both he and I can lead by example.

I continue to work on my FOO issues with the CSAT. Right now I am working through the Bradshaw book on toxic shame. Blah. I have a hard time viewing it as myself who was shamed and abused, and instead I want to view it from the perspective of myself being a lousy mother.

So, that is where I am at today. I am feeling pretty good. I feel like my life has come a long ways since the days of my lonely dysfunctional marriage. My H and I have a new/old love. We are very much in love, like a new relationship, but we have a long history together and are so comfortable with each other. It is a nice feeling. There is hope if your WS enters into a real recovery. I am sad for those of you whose spouses do not choose it, because I remember what that felt like. I had 16 years of it. I am thankful that you all have the knowledge and support that wasn't there in previous times.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no S-Anon group in my area. I am open to attending one if it's an online group, mostly due to the time committment away from home which I'm not willing to make if there was an IRL one in my area.

Did that make sense? My grammar is off today. Like me & my rocker.

I need to talk some things out, Friends. As you know, I am so torn about S or D and it's impact on the kids. Yes, of course I am painfully cognizant of the affect of continuing to live with a SA and the huge risks that entails. That's not what I'm torn about *today*.

Today I'm pondering something that I've pondered before - VISITATION. Where I live you are not automatically granted split or 50/50 custody in cases of a divorce. If one spouse protests, then one spouse can have sole custody & the other spouse has visitation. Obviously if we S or D I am going to insist I have sole custody.

So here's the rub: WH is a SA who has poor/no boundaries, and does NOT safeguard the children. I DO NOT TRUST HIM. I don't. Here are some examples why:

1 - He still will go into the bathroom when the girls are in there. He's been told not to, he does it anyway. He "forgets" he's not supposed to go in there or open the door.

2 - Back when he used his computer in the house, this same computer that had his storehouse of porn pics & vids was also the computer the kids used to play Webkinz & computer games. The day I saw the teen porn on his computer was the day I forbid the kids to play on it. I immediately purchased them their own computer the next day & set it up in the playroom downstairs. My point is, all it would have taken was for my kids to be slightly more computer knowledgable and they would have been ONE CLICK AWAY from seeing hard-core porn. I still get tears in my eyes at this realization. WH apparently didn't "get" what kind of problem that was.

3 - This latest batch of pictures I found were in the truck. WH lets the kids play in the truck all the time. They love playing in it, pretending to drive each other places, pretending it's a covered wagon & they are Little House on the Prairie. You know how kids play. All the kids would have had to do was innocently look behind the seat and voila! OMG, it could so easily have happened. I am certain it didn't. Thank you, God!

4 - I live in fear of the kids finding some stash of porn somewhere, either in the house, or the garage, or more in the truck, or in the car, or in a coat or backpack or briefcase or dresser drawer or a closet or... I seriously want to spend a week or two going through everything, everywhere, and seeing what's around. At this point I assume there IS more around, I just haven't found it yet.

Do y'all see where I'm going with this? If we S or D, then at some point visitation is going to happen. WTF WILL MY KIDS FIND AT WH'S NEW HOME OR IN HIS VEHICLE(S)???

And what kind of women will he be exposing them to as his girlfriends??? Seriously, the woman who I saw sucking his dick in the pictures is the woman he was writing love letters to and calling last year. She is also the f-ing heroin/meth dealer who was in prison. She is also the woman he loved before he met me. THIS is the kind of woman he's attracted to. THIS is the kind of woman my kids are going to be meeting. HOW DO I STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING??????

I need ideas. I'm begging you. How do I stop WH from finding a way to F up my kids if we S or D???

Further, HOW CAN I EVER TRUST HIM NOT TO MOLEST THE GIRLS?????


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8790 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand wanting to be above fighting, yelling, etc. But for you to take blame for his addiction is not right. His SA has destroyed your marriage, not some horrible way that you behaved towards him. It really makes me sad to see you take on a responsibility for his recovery that is not yours. He has to chose it, and he is not. Being compassionate towards him will not change that outcome.

Was my marriage perfect? NO! Did I have blame in our arguments or the dysfunction. Yes. But I did not cause his SA or the destruction that it brought us. I did play a part in the dance of living in a household of addiction.

(((TooManyYears))) Thank you for the words above. I know they were written for Sabina, but they helped me so much. Also, I'm very happy for you and your family. Thank you for all your posts here.

(((NatureGirl))) I suppose I'm just waiting for my SAH to introduce his fellow sex addict to my innocent little kiddies. I will have a morality clause as part of the D, to make sure he won't introduce them for a long time. I'm going to talk to the L about it more. Since my SAH and this OW are are so sick, and because I have to much proof, I might be able to get a judge to keep her away from my children for a long time. Like until she and SAH are married, which I'm guessing will never happen.

Also, are you documenting everything? I know you're collecting proof and handing it over to your IC for safekeeping. That's smart. My L will threaten to expose SAH and the OW during the D process if SAH doesn't play nicely. Hopefully that means sole physical custody for me. Right now, SAH only visits my children here at our home (or around our neighborhood) because he lives with OW. I am trying to keep that arrangement forever. It makes it hard for me to detach, but it's the best for my children, given the circumstances.

I've received some amazing advice about this over on the S&D board. You can always post questions there, if you haven't already.

As for the molesting the girls, my heart breaks when I read those words. It's a hard thing to prove that he might do such a thing. I think all you can do is document each and every sketchy action by him so that he won't be given any opportunity to do anything like that. (((HUGS TO YOU))) I feel your pain.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got call from Keystone. They feel WS is not being fully honest. I told them of the indiscretions I knew about...they had not heard about most of them! Evidently he hasn't thought to bring them up?!? (And who knows what else he's done that even I don't know about...)

I don't know girls...sounds like WS is not serious about recovery. He's so good at convincing me of things on the phone...but then, as always, his actions don't support his words. I asked him point blank "Are you being completely open in therapy?" Yes. "Have you told them everything?" Yes. (He didn't know they had called me earlier today, and the counselor and I had talked...) Then it was as though he sensed he was in trouble and "suddenly had to go." He became very defensive and hung up the phone.

Why are we wasting money if he is not serious about this...does he think it's a game? If he pretends to go, then we will all forgive him? Is he still in denial?

Not looking good...

Sad today...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps I *am* taking responsibility for him & his SA & all the crap he's done to me and to the kids. I don't see it, but I trust your judgement. Truthfully, my attitude towards him hasn't changed & in fact has hardened. I'm simply expressing myself differently. He made it very clear to me that he hasn't grown, doesn't think he's an addict, that his behaviors are exusable, etc. etc. At the moment I see no point in beating a dead horse. My emotions are threatening to him, he refuses to see where I am, his role in how I got here..As far as he's concerned, he isn't responsible. I'm wasting my energy expressing & sharing with him. All of my pain, anger, trauma, bewilderment, whathave you? I share with my IC, with my journal & with you guys. I share with him too, but with less emphasis (?). That isn't the right word, but it's all I can think of atm. I'm in no way responsible for his shitty behaviors. I don't accept his attempts at passing off responsibility, rugsweeping, etc.

One result of this little moment we had? I'm more determined than ever to S&D. He's self absorbed, avoiding adulthood, obsessed with his sexual anatomy, you name it. It's sad really. I'm saving up & planning for S. He is aware that S is a distinct likelihood, he's in denial about how far I'm prepared to go- ie: to court. He has told me in the past that he didn't see the point in "acting married" if we separate. I know exactly what he means (I'm sure you do too). When I leave? I won't be back. I see no future here.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too Many Years, I am so happy for you! It shows that a SA that seriously works the program CAN heal and change. Such wonderful news!

To the rest of you wonderful ladies, keep on keeping on. WS, I don't know what to say. I was so hopeful for you when your SA entered a treatment program. Maybe he just needs more time to come to terms with what he has done. He's where he needs to be, so don't give up hope.

So many of us have SA's still deep in denial, refusing treatment and treating us horribly. I can go all day without an anxiety pill, but the minute my SAWH and I are together at night, I have to take them. I'm still pushing him to get out. I think he thinks I will change my mind, and it will blow over. No! I've drawn my line in the sand, and I will get him out one way or another for sanity's sake.

Nature Girl, my heart breaks for you. Thank God, my children are grown and I don't have to worry about their exposure to him. I can't imagine having to deal with the fear that their father might hurt them! God, sweetie, I am so sorry. Others have given you great advise, so follow through for your peace of mind.

Pink, your SAWH sounds like a ticking time bomb. Please tread lightly when dealing with him. I am afraid for you.

Love and hugs to anyone I missed. You are all in my thoughts and prayers...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WS)))

I think it's common for SAWHs to not be truthful in early recovery. In part because they can't allow themselves to remember it all, in part it's denial, in part they want to escape the whole process. I'm sure Keystone has seen this before. They will be able to tell you if he's going to benefit from inpatient therapy at this time. Put your faith in them to know how to handle this.

(((NatureGirl))) Hope is a much better source of info for this, but I thought I'd throw out there in the post nup WH and I are doing, I get full custody and dictate any visitation arrangements. IDK if post nups are legal where you are, and if they can even dictate custody and visitation, but I thought I'd throw that out there to you. Exposure is a strong motivator for cooperation in legal matters in my case. IDK if it is in yours. At any rate I totally identify and understand your fears and concerns, and they are totally valid.

Sabina, I am so proud of you. You are marching forward, putting your ducks in a row, and putting your needs first. Good job!

TMY, I so loved your post. I hope my SAWH can do the same for me some day. I suppose he would actually have to go to meetings on a regular basis first. Life is a box of chocolates, LOL.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pink, I've been following your posts in other forums. You are a strong young woman in a terrible place. Please listen to what your head and heart and all the others are saying. THIS IS NOT THE MAN YOU MARRIED. Or thought you did. Protect yourself and your assets. Protect your kids. Thrive in your job. Get strong in your recovery. And post and read here. We are here for you.

TMY, so happy for you. And for him. For an addict to reach into his new self and dredge up that dreck, acknowledge and apologize for that is huge. I hope this turns a corner for both of you in your mutual sobriety and recovery.

Hath, I too spent Sunday in bed. Just decided I didn't want to deal with anything at all. So I didn't. It isn't a healthy way to live, but screw it. I just didn't get up. There were repercussions from his "disclosure" that sent me down the roller coaster. Nothing COMPLETELY new, just that the one PA with the whore called the chimpanzee was longer than he told me and that he had to have one last romantic date with her before he ended it. I clearly remember that night, he came home in a funk, we were supposed to go out, but he fell asleep and I couldn't rouse him. I suppose he was mourning the loss of this round heeled whore.

And the other thing I posted before. He was so F**king NICE to everyone. Everyone but me.

It just makes me sad.

He is doing and saying the right things. He had good coaching from SA friends and his counselor about how to respond to anything I might do or say, and he handled it in textbook fashion. My job is to let it go, live in the present and learn to be happy, whatever that means. I don't know if I remember what that's like.

But I know you will all applaud my attempts, and pick me up when I falter!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:12 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

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