NatureGirl, I would be fearful for young children, tbh. Not that something deliberate would happen, but that through casual neglect they would be exposed to or experience something harmful. I don't have any experience with custody issues though. Our youngest is sixteen and may have some input re which of us he lives with.
Pink, I've read some of hour posts in other forums. I think you're coping as well as you can given how early you are in the process & the circumstances you're in. I agree with the others- at this point your efforts should be focused on you & your kids and your recovery. For a long long time I wanted my SAWH to just "wake up" or "go back to bis former self". It took me a long long time to accept that this behavior, these words and attitudes are all him. That the "old SAWH" was not the real him & wouldn't return. My heart breaks for you, it truly does. I remember how strong those feelings were, how strong *my need* to fix him was. Please focus on healing and protecting yourself and your babies. You can only control yourself. It has been one of the hardest things for me to accept.
Hugs to all of you ladies, this forum is so important to my days, I can't tell you.
Has anyone heard from cheetah? I've wondered how she is.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Pink, WS, NG, and all the other strong souls here you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I pop in and out of this thread not posting much because things are way more stable than they used to be and I read of all your horrors and think I am lucky.
Since last week after a my melt down, I feel like someone opened up my skull and filled me up with lead from my head to my toes. Everything I do takes so much effort. But SAH is so much better than before- no broken windows, doors, walls etc.
DDay was 3 months ago, but I think I am hitting some sort of anger stage. IC tells me I need to express it and get it out (in healthy ways of course)in journal, to SAH,IC etc. Sometimes SAH can listen and support me, but I never know when he won't I will get blamed. Last week I was angry w/him and expressed so in an emotional way, but he came back and told me I was "lording over him". wth? Before Christmas he asked me to share a trigger I was experiencing, but then in the middle of sharing this, he tells me I am being aggressive and he does not like what I am doing. Again, wth?
So basically R is great if we focus on his recovery and his needs or I keep my triggers under control, but the second I become emotional and fall into a black hole of a trigger or just sadness and need support, I am lording over him.
Not sure what to do; I am now doing the extreme 180 complete w/barbed wire. I don't even look at him in the eyes. I told him not to join me in MC until he can shore up FOO issues that our CSAT pointed out were hindering my healing and our M's R.
He seems to turn my trauma in to the "SAH, It's All About Me Show". Now lead has filled my whole body and I struggle to me motivated to do anything. IC is Wednesday-yay.
I know I should be grateful SAH has come this far. I know it is a process. Man, after 21 years of this hot mess, I crumble at the little things. Just feeling heavy hearted today. -ccg
I could have the "perfect" marriage, if I agree to be his partner in rugsweeping, if I put his needs and comfort above my own -- and I agree to let bygones be bygones. But very gently, hon, to me this is not a healthy marriage. You are feeling sick and heavy-hearted because you know at your core, you deserve better.
I hope you get what you need and deserve from him. It is still very early in your recovery and there is always hope. Sending big hugs your way...
(((CCG))) I am right there with you. This early in the game, it is SO daunting. You see how much you have to do, that he has to do, that you as a couple will have to do, and you see him not doing nearly enough...and it's nearly your undoing. But it's too early in the game to throw in the towel in your mind. You want to be able to say you tried everything. It, in a word, sucks.
I'm having a better day today. I went out and looked at houses with the realtor instead of going to my S-Anon meeting, and I was pleasantly surprised with what was available in our price range where we wanted to live. And guess who went to their first SA meeting in 2012? Weird how the universe works some times.
Either he is not willing to open up all the way or he is in denial with himself. That may indicate he is not ready for recovery.
And its okay for you to detach. Its okay for you to say "good luck on your journey, but I no longer think its healthy for me to be a part of this".
pink, Im sorry for all the torture you are going through. I hope the military takes this seriously and that you can protect yourself and the kids. Stay strong!
Naturegirl, I can understand your feeling that its better to be there with the kids and him to monitor and be sure they are safe. Thats a really hard situation, and I wouldnt feel safe for my kids to have visitation in that case either. Have you talked to a lawyer and is there any possibility that providing proof of his addiction could get you sole custody w/ supervised visitation only?
ETA: Where I'm at this morning is, I just don't want to be his monitor any longer. I don't want to be responsible for him, I don't want to constantly be on alert to head him off from bothering the girls in the bathroom, I don't want to have to constantly search the house & property for hidden stashes of porn. That's not a marriage, that's jail.
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 12:31 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]
Sorry for the dip in the roller coaster. Are you feeling better in some ways after getting the disclosure? Has it put some of your doubts to rest?
cupcake, I can relate to that. There have been times off and on where I felt the same way. I think sometimes they are so lost in their pain that they forget how to be our healer. Not that its an excuse.... But I think its something that can take time for them to get better at putting the focus on our feelings and our need to be heard.
Naturegirl, looks like you are figuring out what you need. Hugs to you!!! and to all you wonderful ladies here!
I have driven his ass around for 10 months! He does not ever act even slightly grateful. He does often walk to work (a 20 minute walk), but I always pick him up at night, so he doesn't have to work home in the dark and cold.
Well, today, although it was snowy and cold, I left for work even though I knew he was rushing to get ready. I felt terrible for about 5 minutes, and then said eff that! Let his ungrateful ass walk! Tonight, same thing. I did not pick him up and if he calls, I'm simply not available.
A couple of nights ago, he called me a "crazy bitch" and I told him to move out! Well, this crazy bitch is no longer available to be your chauffeur, a-hole, so take that! BAM!
Detach! Detach! Detach! Go ME!!!!
SAWH said he will move out tomorrow IF I move him. WTF???
Wake up, a-hole! I am done. Find your own way to move.
I think he is so stunned, he just went up to bed at 7:15 p.m. Whatever!!! Buh bye!!! Don't let the door hit you in the ass!
I wish I had more courage so I could leave him I'm old and afraid of losing what little I have and ending up homeless or in the drug infested violent part of town.
Please say a prayer for me. To have God grant me peace of mind regardless of my situation. To put caring people in my life so I don't feel so alone. After 43 years with H I can't get the courage to just up and leave him. I'm afraid.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Even if I don't have a friend to talk to, I know everyone at SI understands. Nobody here is going to judge me or condemn me.
Sending strength and prayers your way...