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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys.... I am struggling... had a nasty phone encounter with him... he wanted to talk to the girls I have already told him that the therapists for them (who have not even spoken to each other) told me that him speaking to them is too traumatizing... because he goes, "I love you with all my heart.... oh daddy loves you...." yet he is off rejecting them with his actions.... my seven year old has said it might be better that she died.... Oh my lands, he doesn't realize the damage he is doing.... He got all mad and told me he was gonna tell his lawyer and quoting Ga state law.... I told him that he was welcome to talk to them through the email account our victim's advocate told me to set up for communication.... I also told him to get ready for his new reality, because he is so unstable, we are getting a restraining order against him and he went nuts..... and said "If I was a sexaholic, why didn't I want any of yours?"... well, uhm he did just two or three days before he went and screwed his ho.... and even with cell phone pings and the hotel giving me info... he still is lying.... man, a judge will crucify him, does he not understand....


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, I wish I had something positive to offer you other than hugs and support. Unfortunately I've heard mixed reviews from inpatient treatment, the positive common denominator being inpatient offers the most hope for sobrietyand recovery. Take good care of yourself, hon. We're here for you.

NatureGirl, I would be fearful for young children, tbh. Not that something deliberate would happen, but that through casual neglect they would be exposed to or experience something harmful. I don't have any experience with custody issues though. Our youngest is sixteen and may have some input re which of us he lives with.

Pink, I've read some of hour posts in other forums. I think you're coping as well as you can given how early you are in the process & the circumstances you're in. I agree with the others- at this point your efforts should be focused on you & your kids and your recovery. For a long long time I wanted my SAWH to just "wake up" or "go back to bis former self". It took me a long long time to accept that this behavior, these words and attitudes are all him. That the "old SAWH" was not the real him & wouldn't return. My heart breaks for you, it truly does. I remember how strong those feelings were, how strong *my need* to fix him was. Please focus on healing and protecting yourself and your babies. You can only control yourself. It has been one of the hardest things for me to accept.


Hugs to all of you ladies, this forum is so important to my days, I can't tell you.

Has anyone heard from cheetah? I've wondered how she is.

~ Sabina



Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Base has asked me to consider to start getting his emotional abuse on record, and I will. I am reporting on him tomorrow. It is not about "saving the marriage or him" anymore... It is about him being a whole father for the kids... Also, if he does blow (ticking time bomb) there is plenty of record to go with it. But it is clear to me that I cannot stay with this man.


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howdy ladies,

Pink, WS, NG, and all the other strong souls here you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I pop in and out of this thread not posting much because things are way more stable than they used to be and I read of all your horrors and think I am lucky.
Since last week after a my melt down, I feel like someone opened up my skull and filled me up with lead from my head to my toes. Everything I do takes so much effort. But SAH is so much better than before- no broken windows, doors, walls etc.
DDay was 3 months ago, but I think I am hitting some sort of anger stage. IC tells me I need to express it and get it out (in healthy ways of course)in journal, to SAH,IC etc. Sometimes SAH can listen and support me, but I never know when he won't I will get blamed. Last week I was angry w/him and expressed so in an emotional way, but he came back and told me I was "lording over him". wth? Before Christmas he asked me to share a trigger I was experiencing, but then in the middle of sharing this, he tells me I am being aggressive and he does not like what I am doing. Again, wth?
So basically R is great if we focus on his recovery and his needs or I keep my triggers under control, but the second I become emotional and fall into a black hole of a trigger or just sadness and need support, I am lording over him.
Not sure what to do; I am now doing the extreme 180 complete w/barbed wire. I don't even look at him in the eyes. I told him not to join me in MC until he can shore up FOO issues that our CSAT pointed out were hindering my healing and our M's R.
He seems to turn my trauma in to the "SAH, It's All About Me Show". Now lead has filled my whole body and I struggle to me motivated to do anything. IC is Wednesday-yay.
I know I should be grateful SAH has come this far. I know it is a process. Man, after 21 years of this hot mess, I crumble at the little things. Just feeling heavy hearted today. -ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CCG ~ Sweetie, I am so sorry you feel "heavy-hearted", but after reading your post, it is understandable. Hon, if it's still "all about him" and he shuts you down when you express a need or emotion, well then -- how can you ever recover?

I could have the "perfect" marriage, if I agree to be his partner in rugsweeping, if I put his needs and comfort above my own -- and I agree to let bygones be bygones. But very gently, hon, to me this is not a healthy marriage. You are feeling sick and heavy-hearted because you know at your core, you deserve better.

I hope you get what you need and deserve from him. It is still very early in your recovery and there is always hope. Sending big hugs your way...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is like suddenly we know we deserve much better then, a release happens... now (after yesterday) I am just trying to make sure I stay stable, and the girls need that from me. I need to help them as much as I can and protect them from the insanity where possible... It is no longer about saving a marriage... I see that it was over when he started acting out all the dang time.


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pink)))Hang in there mama!

(((CCG))) I am right there with you. This early in the game, it is SO daunting. You see how much you have to do, that he has to do, that you as a couple will have to do, and you see him not doing nearly enough...and it's nearly your undoing. But it's too early in the game to throw in the towel in your mind. You want to be able to say you tried everything. It, in a word, sucks.

I'm having a better day today. I went out and looked at houses with the realtor instead of going to my S-Anon meeting, and I was pleasantly surprised with what was available in our price range where we wanted to live. And guess who went to their first SA meeting in 2012? Weird how the universe works some times.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking about you, pink. (((pink)))



Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Cupcake.... Hey, take a lookie at the mess that I had to post in the General forum and then you will know why you are thinking about me. Maybe you are an intuitionist too....


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my, pink, just read the general and I think mess is understatement. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Stay safe.

ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSisanaddict,

Either he is not willing to open up all the way or he is in denial with himself. That may indicate he is not ready for recovery.

And its okay for you to detach. Its okay for you to say "good luck on your journey, but I no longer think its healthy for me to be a part of this".

pink, Im sorry for all the torture you are going through. I hope the military takes this seriously and that you can protect yourself and the kids. Stay strong!

Naturegirl, I can understand your feeling that its better to be there with the kids and him to monitor and be sure they are safe. Thats a really hard situation, and I wouldnt feel safe for my kids to have visitation in that case either. Have you talked to a lawyer and is there any possibility that providing proof of his addiction could get you sole custody w/ supervised visitation only?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can and WILL get sole custody. In my state 50/50 or shared custody is not automatic. If just one spouse contests shared custody, then there can only be sole custody. I will obviously not consent to shared custody. I also can at least negotiate for supervised visits. I would hope & pray that whatever judge we get can understand the potential harm my children could come to due to WH's neglect to be responsible.

ETA: Where I'm at this morning is, I just don't want to be his monitor any longer. I don't want to be responsible for him, I don't want to constantly be on alert to head him off from bothering the girls in the bathroom, I don't want to have to constantly search the house & property for hidden stashes of porn. That's not a marriage, that's jail.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 12:31 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY,
Im so happy for you and proud of your h. It must feel so good to see the positive changes in him and your marriage.

SK,
Sorry for the dip in the roller coaster. Are you feeling better in some ways after getting the disclosure? Has it put some of your doubts to rest?

cupcake, I can relate to that. There have been times off and on where I felt the same way. I think sometimes they are so lost in their pain that they forget how to be our healer. Not that its an excuse.... But I think its something that can take time for them to get better at putting the focus on our feelings and our need to be heard.

Naturegirl, looks like you are figuring out what you need. Hugs to you!!! and to all you wonderful ladies here!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all! and hugs! I am proud of myself today, as I am detaching more and more. As I've discussed before, SAWH has a pending DWI as a result of being stopped while out with his last sex partner.

I have driven his ass around for 10 months! He does not ever act even slightly grateful. He does often walk to work (a 20 minute walk), but I always pick him up at night, so he doesn't have to work home in the dark and cold.

Well, today, although it was snowy and cold, I left for work even though I knew he was rushing to get ready. I felt terrible for about 5 minutes, and then said eff that! Let his ungrateful ass walk! Tonight, same thing. I did not pick him up and if he calls, I'm simply not available.

A couple of nights ago, he called me a "crazy bitch" and I told him to move out! Well, this crazy bitch is no longer available to be your chauffeur, a-hole, so take that! BAM!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! It's 6:15 p.m. and he just called me looking for a ride. I told him I'll see you when you get home. (Walk you effin bastard!)


Detach! Detach! Detach! Go ME!!!!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GW, you're making me laugh!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG!!! Sorry to be hogging the board tonight, but this is too rich not to share!

SAWH said he will move out tomorrow IF I move him. WTF???
Wake up, a-hole! I am done. Find your own way to move.

I think he is so stunned, he just went up to bed at 7:15 p.m. Whatever!!! Buh bye!!! Don't let the door hit you in the ass!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
watchingU
♀ Member
Member # 22144
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just having a bad day and thought I would come in and visit and vent for awhile.
My WH's SA has left me feeling so isolated from the rest of the world. I lost all the friends who I confided in. (Guess they weren't real friends). People just assume we are 'trashy' people if we are dealing with SA.
So mostly I go thru each day alone. I tried so valiantly to make new friends. But I could only take it so far. After all, I had a dark secret and I kept people at arm's length so they wouldn't find out. You can't make and keep friends that way.I don't know how to deal with being so lonely.
My SA is not in any real recovery. I honestly don't know if he is acting out or not. He is a very sneaky person. Of course, he says he has changed, but I don't feel it.

I wish I had more courage so I could leave him I'm old and afraid of losing what little I have and ending up homeless or in the drug infested violent part of town.

Please say a prayer for me. To have God grant me peace of mind regardless of my situation. To put caring people in my life so I don't feel so alone. After 43 years with H I can't get the courage to just up and leave him. I'm afraid.

Thanks for letting me get that out. Even if I don't have a friend to talk to, I know everyone at SI understands. Nobody here is going to judge me or condemn me.

WU


BW me 60(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M

Posts: 520 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: South
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie, we are the same age. I understand how frightening it is to go forward on your own. But you deserve more and the abuse ends when you say it does. I am so there!

Sending strength and prayers your way...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WU, I'm about to hit the Big Five-Oh, no job, haven't had a job in almost a decade, and I have three young children to care for. I totally understand the terror of not knowing what's going to happen and not seeing a rosy picture when I try to imagine it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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