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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Driving 9 hours tomorrow for a graduate school interview. Ironically I will be staying with WS's sister, and WS's parents will be coming over for dinner. It will be the first time we've seen each other since all the sh*t hit the fan.

Today, students surprised me with cupcakes that said "We Love You." I hadn't cried at school until today, and then I lost it. I lost it so bad that I had to come home, lol. I just couldn't get it together - the cupcakes broke the dam. I was so relieved that they didn't blame me...or if they did, that they still cared for me.

Conference call with family therapist went well. She was firm with WS about his omission and deception in therapy. We talked about some of the dysfunctional dynamics in his family, and how he learned to push his feelings underground rather than to talk about them. WS was finally able to accept that maybe he didn't come from the perfect family.

Anyway, that was my day today. Seems juvenile compared to what everyone else is going through, but I just wanted to share it with someone. Thanks for listening.

Love to all.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WU)))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go Ghost...getting your detach on!! Wow...he'll move out...if you move him? WTH? Keep detaching and do a 180 w/barbed wire! I feel your energy to take care of you. hugs to you.

(((WU))) I can relate. Being the wife of a SA is very lonely and isolating- especially if H is not in recovery. Nobody I know is aware of SAH just because they would not understand.
Best thing I did was to find a group of ladies who meet weekly to chat about their BS/SAH struggles and that has been very helpful. We are completing a workbook about our healing and it has been pure joy to be heard by those who know. Praying for peace and that caring and understanding people become a part of your life.
ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS- how sweet that your students brought you cupcakes-with We love you on them! What a thoughtful thing to do. I would lose it too, though.

Be safe on your drive tomorrow and good luck. Think about you! ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please say a prayer for me. To have God grant me peace of mind regardless of my situation. To put caring people in my life so I don't feel so alone.

(((WatchingU))) Sending many prayers and virtual hugs.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((watchingU)))))))) sent you a PM.. I am truly holding you in the *Light* in the custom of Friends.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS! You go girl! Grad school may be just the right therapy for you. And your wonderful students! Despite all the bad press directed to teachers, this IS the reason we stay in this profession.

Ghost, what a demented soul. Sometimes this kind of delusional thinking is what cements the idea that this IS a disease. Or maybe just terminal assholism. Hard to tell.

Me? I don't know exactly where I am. My IC wants to try EDMR. I am going to hold him to the rest of his promises. While he made significant progress on the cleaning project, much more remains. And he MUST tell the kids by the end of Feb. This weekend he took a day to ski with DS#2 and Sat to 12 step program and Sun morning working on step 4 with a recovery partner. So he IS formally working the program rather than just attending meetings. Mind you he has been attending since May 2009.

So, my tendency is to want to let him off the hook a bit, but I won't. I can't.

Thanks for listening.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rumors website traffic has picked up again with "news" about WS - saying he has been arrested. HE HAS NOT BEEN ARRESTED. Give it a rest people. Leave our family alone.

F*ckers.

ARGH...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you post part of the truth? or would that just fan the flames?

Serenity prayer...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please send good thoughts and/or prayers for my safety & the safety of my children. Things are deteriorating around here. Rather, WH is deteriorating, walking around in tears, shaking, pain & terror written across his face. This has been going on for days. I am going to ask him to move out sometime in the next few days. I've contacted our pastor for support. I know that *this* is the most dangerous time for a woman & her children. I'm kinda freaked out.

And no, he hasn't mentioned the missing pictures to me. I haven't mentioned them to him. My counselor has them now.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8751 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG~ I'm so sorry, hon. Sending prayers and hugs your way. Do you and the kids have somewhere to go should things get worse? Go to a hotel if you have to, but please stay safe. I'll be praying for you and thinking of you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nature Girl)))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs NatureGirl. It sounds like a dangerous time. Saying prayers for you.

WS, like the others said, grad school may be the best therapy for you. Finding a job has done wonders for me.

Detaching is great, Ghost. Good for you! Keep up the goox work.

WU, prayers said for you too.

SK, emdr has had good reports here on SI. Best wishes no matter your decision. I too tend to want to give SAWH the benefit of the doubt, you've lots of company with that.


~Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to think of some place the kids & I could go. My nearest relative is a hard 5+hour drive away, and in bad weather the trip isn't safe. So now I'm thinking of hotels. I'm just at a loss right now. I have no idea what people do in these situations.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8751 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((naturegirl))))


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Came home early..nature girl, bad cold. are you ok? If you need a RL chat, PM me.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a portion of the email confessional that he sent to his family... and nothing but hateful stuff to me..... So he has her an engagement ring and a hotel reservation for a romantic weekend in SC to propose to her.... I guess there is no coming back from here, not that I would want to....but sooooooo very sad.

two years i have gone from being an upstanding person to someone i really dont even like. I never in a million years thought i would ever cheater and a liar....never. As a result i have isolated just about everyone in my family. i cheated because I felt very neglected by PINK and i Made the wrong decisions With OW1 and OW3. These were not sexually based but more emotionally based. When I talked to your wife SIL it kind of summed it up what i really want ...I just want a wife who will Love me for who i am and Love me unconditionally. Someone i can grow with everyday who will let me fulfill my God given role and support me no matter what. in the midst of trying to fulfill that need i got lost spiritually, physically, and emotionally which started my downward trend of lying to my family.

My lying started with OW1. I lied about myself and OW1's relationship because OW1 was scared that her family and friends were going to find out about our physical affair. So i thought the noble thing to do was to cover for her. she got mad and wanted me to come back up to vr and deny our relationship. I wanted to keep the relationship going at all costs....i betrayed my family for a girl who did not care about me. As a result i payed dearly for that affair and started the first setback in our relationship with you, mom, and sister. Next i lied about myself and OW3's relationship. even though it wasnt physical i still lied to my family. Each of those affairs got me in trouble in almost every aspect of my life. that was the second set back. i made huge errors in judgement in these relationship all because i wanted to feel and be loved... these relationships were mostly one sided and never fulfilling. i wanted to keep holding on to something that was never real and that got me in trouble in both cases. OW1 notified my work and OW3 with a pending cease and desist order. Of both which i am very embarassed and sorry i have brought that shame upon myself, PINK, and our family...Also the reason i lie is not only to cover my sin but to try in someway to save my relationship with you but i acknowlege when my sins are found out it just drives us farther apart and the trust is once again broken. I acknowlege that and i hope you will please forgive me. i feel like a scared little boy trying to cover up my sin because i am afraid of getting in trouble and losing my family. but what happend anyway.

Myself and PINK's relationship has been strained for a long time. Our problems just didnt occur in one day but over a long time in the course of our 18 almost 19 years of our relationship. In early December we both decided in a christian counselors office to get divorced. She wanted out and i agreed. after being seperatied for almost two months it was the right choice because of our increased disagreements in fighting. We both had seperate issues. both of which we have talked about over and over. These disagreements have turned our house into a place that is not a good atmosphere for our children. She has never forgave me of cheating, and thinks i have ptsd and am a sex addict. both are which are not true. I know PINK is hurt and a scorned woman from my cheating in the past. For good reason. However i cannot let her destroy my job and my future for my kids. Also by not letting me speak to my children while i am deployed and building a case to destroy me.. i can no longer go back i can no longer trust...after 4 counselors there are no more options but to divorce. I dont like it and i dont want to but myself and PINK have crossed a line and made mistakes that cannot be healed. So it is this reason i am moving ahead with the divorce. Now i want to come clean about myself and OW4's relatiohship.

On 12 Dec i contacted OW4 by phone and text. We talked for hours. We have alot in common and we both have alot of the same interest and have alot of the same goals in life. She is not full of drama.. We made a connection. with myself and PINK's mutual decision to get divorced and being already seperated for 2 mos. me and OW4 decided to meet. OW was attement to make sure she was not the reason for the divorce. I reassured her that she wasnt but that it had already been decided before she even entered the picture. Myself and OW are very close and i can see myself with her for the rest of my life. No one has ever supported me or even cared about me like she has. I know that is hard for you to believe right now but you will see. Also she has always inspired me to do the right thing and try to reach out to you and make things right... OW has stood beside me in all of this... she is the only one i have right now. with that background i will tell you the truth about what happend on what dates....

12 dec...talked to OW on the phone. 14 Dec i drove to Jax and spent the night with her. PINK hostilly moved in on that friday. Knowing i had to leave the house because of a potentially abusive atomosphere i decided to go to sc. i stopped and had dinner with OW4 when she got off work. I went back to her house and spent the night...drove to sc sat morning. Then knowing i couldnt go home i drove to OWs sunday and spent the next 2 nights with her.. then drove to work early tues morning.... that week i got the assignment to go to se asia. PINK was trying to block my deployement so she could kick me out of the house....that tues night i spent the night with OW4 again... she had stayed home sick.....PINK's claim that i spent the night before without being with the kids was false. before i went to see OW4 i over an hour with the kids before i went to Atl. never dreaming i would leave that thurs night i spent time with them while packing. I left that night. I love my girls and i would never neglect them. With that said i am in the same position when i get back. I have no place to live. I have bills to pay and lawyer..I have no choice but move in with OW4 who is only going to charge me 300 dollars a month. there are 2 other roomates she is leasing rooms too. you may disagree with that decision but i dont know what else to do .... it is survival.

Lastly i am telling you this because i need peace. I desire to be spiritually whole and be the man God intends for me to be. I know the day of reconning is coming where i will have to face the monsters i have created. I have asked God to forgive me and ready to face what i have done. Hopefully in time my realtionship with you, mom, and sister with you will heal. I will no longer lie about what i am doing. I never want to be excluded from my family. I need your love and support at this time. But understand if you are not ready. I know this is just the first step of the process. I may lose it all....but i know God will stand with me on the day of my judgement ... i would like to say once again i am very sorry and i hope you, mom, and sister forgive me for the last 2 years. also if you need to ask me anymore questions i feel free to ask. also i welcome your input on the situation.

how crazy is he?


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I have missed a lot.

(((WS))) I am so glad your students appreciate you and you have the opportunity for grad school. Yay!

(((Nature Girl))) Hopefully he is just breaking down because he knows you have the photos and he's being forced to see what he is, and he has some idea what you finding that must be. Hopefully there is no danger to you and your children now. If he won't move out, I would consider a hotel and figure out what your legal options are getting him out. My guess is though if you strike while the iron is hot, he will leave voluntarily, at least for now. But you always need a plan B, because it's not like anything they think or do is grounded in any sort of reality.

(((pink))) OMG. Seriously. It is like he is gift-wrapping his future Mental stay for you. Stay strong, it is going to be so hard for you for a long while.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, there is no coming back from where he is... he is marrying this girl.


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, a lot going on. I'm thinking of all of you.

Nature_Girl: do you have those photos somewhere safe? Did you get them to your IC already? (((HUGS)))

(((Pink))) Hang in there. My IC used to tell me to put SAH "up on a mental shelf" when the shit was hitting the fan after D-Day. Can you do that and start to think about yourself and the girls? Put away his letter for now, and just stop thinking about him. I know it's hard, but it's so necessary. I'll be thinking of you.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
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