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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Ghost...there was a build up to his finally getting the help he needed. The TT took YEARS, literally. One day I found UGLY porn on his computer and threw him out. That still didn't do it. He would either stop home or call every day. And he PROMISED that the strip clubs were a thing of the past about a month before that. To prove to me that he wasn't lying, he put a GPS tracking program on our phones. One day I tracked him TO a strip club. I freaked. Told him I was done, if these freaky, UGLY YOUNG girls were what he wanted, he could have them. He said he didn't, said he'd go to SA. Keystone SA meetings scared him straight. After listening to the accounts of men who had lost everything and some who were looking at jail time.

He has had slips. But he knows if there were any RL encounters I'd be gone.

He knows/knew I was serious. And he had been in treatment and on medication for BP 2 for several months. I think that may have helped him be more receptive to hearing that I was serious.

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses. I didn't find out that his EAs were really PAs until several months later. We went to SA classes, and after that I insisted he begin work with a CSAT. That was in 2009. He's made a lot of progress, but those pesky FOO issues don't go away quickly in a 60 year old, bipolar, ADD, stubborn, insincere addict.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@NatureGirl I hear what you are saying about not dragging the kids all over...However, don't negate the NEED you have for self-care. You can't take care of them unless you take care of you. If you find a group that fits, it could be very good for you. Do you have the hotline number for Sanon?

http://www.sanon.org/MeetingsUS.htm

The website won't tell you about the meetings. You have to call a number and you'll get a call back. They do this in order to weed out undesirables.

@Everybody...I would love to have a G2G. I had hoped to go to DC but can't. Let's see if we can organize it for the summer.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right, Kat. I need to not negate actual, in-person support. Today I spent over an hour on the phone with another woman from my church. She was totally understanding, has heard this kind of drama before, and offered me her full, unwavering support in any way, including me & the kids going to her house if we need to. So now that's two women in my life who I have opened up to & have offered me support. They aren't spouses of sex addicts, but they are non-judgemental & firey in their support. And of course I have my counselor who is also a woman.

I'm not a "support group" kind of person. I acknowledge I need support, I am reaching out to try & find ladies to lean on. But I do not want to make another weekly commitment right now. Maybe I'm not ready but someday I will be? Maybe not. Maybe this is my co-dep & FOO issues coming out & preventing me from thinking "right". I don't know. It's not that I fear sharing my story. I just don't want to make the time committment, nor do I want to drag my kids around and subject them to whoknowswhat kind of childcare.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Kat. I would like to think my SAWH would come to his senses one day -- and agree to get help. But I'm not holding my breath.

Interestingly, he sent me a conciliatory email earlier today and came home tonight mild as a lamb. But sweet words mean nothing to me unless he agrees to some kind of treatment. ARGHHHH...

Edited to add: NG, I am so glad you are finding support. Take care, sweetie...

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 7:20 PM, January 27th (Friday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to his csat and he asked to see WH today. The thing is I asked WH to make an emergency appt and he said that I was controlling him, which hurt me even more. Anyway he apparently went and csat called me afterwards.

He didnt say clearly, but I think he implied that WH also said he wanted to leave me becasue Im always accusing him of lying. He Freaking Lied, thats why he got accused. Please help me keep hating him.

That damn CSAT is trying to make me feel sorry for him. Of course everyone feels like hes the innocent poor addict. Im more upset now.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, NG, you HAVE initiated the self care you need. That's what counts. And, if I may be sexist, women get women. Except for those skanky ones that we all know and hate, of course.

And I felt the same about the "weekly commitment" thing. Too much pressure. And my group may be different in a good way, that if I go once a week, once a month or once a YEAR, I am still a sister. They are wonderful like that. Sort of like the sisterhood we have here. It may be virtual, but it is really real. If I could, I'd have you all in my house, serving you wine and chocolate and offering warm comforters to wrap those kids in...
Just take care of you.

Ghost...what can I say? This is where 12 steps come in. The serenity prayer. You CANNOT change him. You can only change you. When I first went to Sanon, the readings all washed over me like some sort of blather. But then it all started to make sense, to work its way into my burnt brain.

Here's the Sanon PROBLEM. It defines were WE are when faced with living with sexaholism. If you want, I'll post the Keys and the Steps another time.


The S-Anon Problem (Long Version)
S-Anon members have much in common with the friends and family members of other addicted people. Most of us grew up in families with secrets, and we were not taught to think about our own needs and take positive action to meet them. As we grew up we felt more and more lonely and isolated as we chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way. We lived life from the standpoint of victims and perceived any personal criticism as a threat. For most of us, anger and depression were a way of life. We were so afraid of being left alone that anxiety and frustration were nearly constant. Whether or not we were exposed to sexaholism as children, most of us think that we acquired some unhealthy beliefs about ourselves very early in our lives - that we were not worthwhile and lovable, that we were able to control other people's behavior, and that sex was the most important sign of love.
What is different is that we have felt the additional shame of being involved with the sexaholism of a family member or friend. It does not matter a great deal whether that person was a member of our birth family, a partner, spouse, child, or someone outside the family like a friend, teacher, or boss. It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship - sexaholism deeply affected our lives. Our self-esteem dropped to lower and lower levels, and we doubted our attractiveness, our emotions, our sanity, and our human worth. We have felt betrayed by those we loved the most, and those of us who didn't know about the sexaholic behavior felt even more humiliated and stupid for not knowing. Many of us were sexually abused, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases and otherwise placed in physical danger. We were often afraid to trust others and reach out for help because we were afraid of what they would think of us or of the sexaholic.
Some of us minimized the importance of the sexaholism by denying its existence or minimizing its importance. We stuffed our feelings of anger and abandonment to the point that we felt emotionally numb. We told ourselves things like "Everybody does this," "This shouldn't bother me," or even "It can't be true - he wouldn't do that." Others focused on the sexaholic and the sexual behavior to the point of obsession. We tried every known method to control it. We lied and covered up, spied at doorways, listened to private conversations, checked up on the sexaholic's whereabouts, read through journals and personal papers, begged, pleaded, and threatened. Some of us participated in sexual behavior that we did not enjoy or that made us ashamed of ourselves. Many of us tried to use sex to manipulate the sexaholic, thinking that being part of the acting out would give us a little bit more control over our lives. Most of felt that we must have done something to deserve this kind of treatment, and that happiness was for others, not for us. Some of us misused drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the pain; others used activities, such as shopping, exercising or working, to keep from feeling our emotions. We often neglected our health, our jobs and our children. No matter how we tried to struggle against it, deny it or minimize its effects, the failure of our efforts to cope with sexaholism brought us to the point of despair. This is what we mean when we say in the First Step, "our lives had become unmanageable."


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, January 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. My life has become unmanageable.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks much for the article, Kat! Yes, there is much I can identify with -- I became a full-time spy, I felt abandoned, I numbed my pain and stuffed down my feelings, I neglected my health. Despair? Oh, yeah. No doubt, most of us here have experienced most or some of this.

I have reached acceptance in that I cannot change him. And he CANNOT recover without some kind of treatment. I did 6 months of IC. It helped.

Asking him to leave seemed to scare him, BUT will it be enough for him TAKE ACTION??? I am not willing to wait forever, but at 10 months out, do I need to give him more time? I honestly don't know...



This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking-in (((everyone here)))

The pots sure are bubbling over here and the destruction this addiction leaves behind is just overwhelming. So sad to read, yet I understand because I am standing in it.

CSAT has recommended SAH go to FOO issue camp since his struggles stem from there. There is a treatment center in Phoenix for longer term treatment, and one locally for a 4-5 day workshop. He intellectually understands the addict behaviors (beyond a/o), but somehow FOO has seared them into his being. His ability to relate to others in a healthy way is so deeply screwed up by his FOO that he needs to be re-taught how to relate. Otherwise he is on some sort of not-so-merry to round and will end up a/o due to all this shame/anger.

He is gone all day today w/work and I find myself soaking up the peace and quiet that our home is without him present. There is a freedom in this and it makes me sad that the times when he is away fill me with peace. Opposite of healthy M.

I will not allow him to steal any more of me and my joy anymore-FOO crazy and all. I have just recently made a commitment to myself to do something every day for me-that he cannot poop on. Today, it is kick boxing and running :)

Big hugs to all you strong and brave souls here. ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, my friend, (gently) listen to yourself. You are still hanging the hope on HIS change. You haven't turned that over to God (as you understand him) "let go and let God"

Here are the KEYS to Sanon Recovery...


Keys to S-Anon Recovery
We accept sexaholism is a disease very similar to alcoholism. At first many of us could not accept this idea. We thought it meant that sexaholics were somehow not responsible for their behavior, or that we were not entitled to our feelings of anger and hurt. But it does not mean either of those things. For S-Anons, it means that the actions of the sexaholic are not a result of something we did or did not do. We did not cause the sexaholic behavior by being stupid, weak, or unattractive, and we do not have the power to control it. However, as we tried to control or ignore the sexaholism in our lives, we often unknowingly acted in ways that led to a further decline in our emotional health and enabled the sexaholic to continue to practice his or her disease. Over a period of time, many of us took on the shame, guilt, and fear that characterize the disease of sexaholism, even though we may not have acted out sexually. We, too, became spiritually and emotionally ill. Once we begin to see our problems in this light, we can also see that we do have choices concerning our own behavior. This is the beginning of our recovery.
We remind ourselves as often as necessary that we are powerless over the behavior caused by sexaholism and all actions and reactions of other adults. We know we must stop blaming and trying to control the sexaholic and the acting out behavior. Just as we did not cause the sexaholic's acting out, we cannot 'cure' it - the sexual sobriety of the sexaholic is not our responsibility. While our encouragement and cooperation can be helpful to the sexaholic seeking recovery, real peace of mind for us depends upon changing our attitudes and eliminating our self-defeating behaviors. As the recovering alcholics put it, "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, but the results were nil until we let go absolutely..
We commit ourselves to our own recovery, taking full responsibility for our actions and reactions. With the loving help of other S-Anon members and the God of our understanding, we focus on taking positive action to make our lives more serene and fulfilling, regardless of whether or not the sexaholic chooses sobriety. We attend as many meetings as we can, get a sponsor, if possible, and begin to apply the principles of the Twelve Steps to our lives. We use the telephone, the S-Anon literature and the S-Anon slogans. Eventually we reach out to help others and try to carry the message of our own recovery. We do these things in our own way, one day at a time - but we do them, striving for progress, not perfection. This is what is meant by "working the program."

Now some of that implies that the SA doesn't have responsibility for his actions, due to the disease, but that isn't how my H's SA group reads it. And you need to know that it is only NOW, almost 3 years after out last Dday that he is formally working the steps. He fought like crazy over the GOD concept, saying that he didn't believe in God, but in reality, (my take) afraid to give up and admit powerlessness. One does not have to have a traditional belief in God to work the steps. G=good O=orderly D=decisions is how many addicts decide how to interpret God.

Honey, you simply MUST stop fixating on whether or not he'll heal. The fact is, he may not. Or he may escalate to such a degree that he does something illegal and is caught and faces disbarment or worse. And THAT might make him wake up. Or it won't. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Only you can decide if you give YOURSELF more time to live in this undesirable position. You have to choose for YOU.

It's awful, no one wants to end a marriage after so many years. But you haven't had that marriage for HOW many years? It is time to take control for you.

"God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

It works when you work it!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be a thread hog. I've been home in bed, sick. Time on my hands.

CCG, I think I knew of someone who went to the Phoenix center and thought the world of it. I applaud your self-care. I need to do more of that myself. I virtually gave up all my exercising in 2008 when this all came to light, I had been a gym rat. I would feel better mentally and physically if I would get back to it.

DP, his CSAT should know better than to believe the crap that comes out of an addict's mouth. Shame on him.
And you still ARE the victim here, disease or not, there were choice made that put YOU in danger. You had no say in that. That's what addicts do, they mistreat those that love them. Can you go in for a couple's session? I have done that, and the CSAT's suggestion, to make sure the CSAT is getting the whole story.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Kat! Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories and wisdom. Much food for thought here...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing these things, Kat.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling a LOT of guilt tonight, Friends. Lots. WH is being super nice to me (probably because he senses what's coming). Please say something to me to help me be strong.

I know I need to protect my kids. I can't let them accidentally come across anything he's foolishly left around. I know I need to protect my heart. I know that every addict needs to "hit bottom".

But I'm feeling so guilty. Carrying on trying to act normal is killing me. I feel a pit in my stomach & chest literally weighing me down. Tomorrow is church, I've shared our filthy problems with the pastor & others there, and now I have to face them & try to be normal.


^^^ That's me from nerves about now.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl, Wrapping you in hugs! You know I've slipped tonight, and feel like I'm backsliding.

Stay strong! I no longer have to protect my children as they are grown. Sending prayers to you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for being here, Ghost.

Would you ever care to share the meaning of your screen name? It intrigues me, and might be a diversion for both of us...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I too, have a question for you, ghost. You say you don't have to protect your kids, but do they know? What do they know? Mine are in their 20's, know troubles have been fought, but no details. I'm insisting they be told, for their own good. How and what did your kids find out?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My screen name was not very well thought out the day I joined here, but oddly, it is a perfect fit. In 2004, my closest sister took her own life. She was most likely bipolar, but never received the proper help. I tried so hard to save her. (Hmmm, a common theme in my life). Her death devastated me. I shut down completely -- never sought therapy or bereavement groups, and thought I went on with my life as best I could.

My husband and children tell me I was never the same after her suicide. A huge part of me left with her. Therefore, Ghostwalker is an apt description of who I became in the years following her death. I was not fully present.

My H was extremely supportive and loving throughout all of it. He was. I now recognize I suffered from depression and should have sought help. I don't blame MYSELF for his straying, but honestly, after years of being shut down, neither of us registered on one another's radar anymore. Add in, a job where the new boss decided I made too much money and did everything possible to get me out -- well, I felt like a ghost. Invisible. Discarded. Living in the shadows...

Kat, my adult children are in their 30's. They know most of it. Of course, it has affected them. They are greatly disappointed in their father -- and in me too, I suppose. I have always been a rock. I think it alarmed ALL three of them when I completely broke down. They worry about us, I know.

Thanks for the big shoulders, Ladies. Your support is so appreciated. I am here to support you, as well. Strength and hugs to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl, thinking of you. please check in, hon. What's going on -- did you ask him to leave???


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, Thank you for sharing your story with us. I just wanted to let you know that you are heard, cared for, prayed for, and appreciated. Wishing you well.

**((Ghost))**


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
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