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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so kindly, WS. How are YOU doing, hon?


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is a very sad day for me. In some ways it is the saddest I have experienced since Dday because there seems to be no other emotions mixed in with it, no anger, no numbness, no hope...just sadness, mind-consuming sadness. I miss him. I grieve for him and his life - what he could have had, what we could have had. I grieve for me. I grieve...I grieve...

Interviews went really well, which makes me all the sadder. This could be such an exciting time in our lives - preparing to live closer to his family, to a city we both love. Interviewers kept asking about WS...somehow it kept coming up...I just answered questions from "old life" perspective. That we had begun this music program together from scratch in the middle of no where, that it was now thriving on its own, that we we were now excited to move closer to family in a more urban environment, etc.

Time with WS's parents and sister was really nice. His mom definitely has a drinking problem - found out she was even hospitalized several times for it during WS's childhood - it was just a family secret that no one ever told WS about because he was the youngest I guess. Even through her addiction though, MIL is a loving person...just like WS. A loving person who has a problem, a mental illness...it is so sad, so sad...

I also found out that WS lost his virginity in the 8th grade, and that the girl died shortly afterward in a car accident. WS never told me about this - he told me I was his first. I'm sure this is probably connected to why his genetic tendency for addiction probably took a turn toward sex rather than alcohol, drugs or some other behavior. As a rape survivor - and especially rape that involved the loss of my virginity, I know that the brain can really process trauma like that in a really f-ed up way. I wonder if he even remembers the experience or whether he has blocked out the memory in its entirety. I emailed the information to the family therapist, and she said we would discuss it when I come up for the disclosure this coming Thursday.

It was a good trip - one that provided some good FOO info as well as support. FOO knows what WS has done is bad beyond comprehension and they made it clear that they don't expect me to stay with him - that it is a decision I'll need to make for myself when I am ready - but I think his mom said it best. She said, "Four of us here are forced to deal with this (his parents plus sister and BIL) - this addiction will be part of our family for the rest of WS's life, and as hard as it is, we must learn to accept it and do what we can to help him lead the best life he is able. (My name) has a choice whether to stay or to go, but I know that no matter what she decides about the marriage, she will always love him - I can see it in her eyes and through her actions this far. So we are all connected. We are all broken-hearted."

It seems so strange that a woman who neglected him when he was younger and threatened to kick him out after he leaves Keystone can also be capable of such wisdom and caring. Again I guess it is the disease of addiction - that it can change an otherwise good and loving person into the very worst capabilities of humanity.

[Big breath]. Life is hard sometimes - but it does make me appreciate the little things so much more. My sadness has lifted a bit writing this out. Thank you.

**((all))**

P.S. In the tradition of Kat, I have started putting "light" around my "hugs." Praying for each of you today and holding you all in my heart.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie, let it all out. I am so sorry for your grief. I understand it all too well. So sorry, so sorry for all your pain.

The following is a quote from one of my favorite movies, "Contact". I think it says it all...

"You're an interesting species. An interesting mix. You are capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other..."

So true, so true, my sisters. We are not alone. I thank each and every one of you. WS, sending you strength to see you through. My heart breaks right along side you in empathy...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WS))))) I'm touched that you are using my *LIGHT* and it and your story are reminding me that I am drifting away from my chosen spiritual path. To find the LIGHT in every person. Your MIL is a perfect example. She has such flaws, and yet such grace.

And for you, you face another challenge this week. It is going to be so difficult. Please try to take it truly one day at a time. You cannot and shouldn't make any decisions soon...

Let me know if you need me on Thursday.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to see that so many of my "spouse" friends are hurting and going through such a difficult time.

Sending lots of love and (virtual) support.

xo,
Hope



Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here! Today was a busy day with church & family stuff. WH is still here, I'm waiting to coordinate eveything with his "for male sex addicts" group so the men there are ready to support him as he walks away from us.

I do not know how cheaters can live this way. Meaning, keeping this kind of life-altering decision from your spouse. I can barely eat, I'm so nervous my hands are shaking, and several times today I felt like I was going to faint. How do cheaters do it?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl, so relieved you checked in! Breathe in. Breathe out. Thank God, your SAWH has the support of a group to help facilitate his move. And you have us, sweetie. Stay calm. Stay strong! It will be alright. I'm continuing to send prayers your way...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i watched Braveheart last night and wept so hard. That last scene where his lady love appears to him always gets me, but last night I just lost it. I feel like I'll never know that kind of love. I always wanted it. I'm capable of giving it. But now I'm middle-aged and just, just, UGH! So depressing. Do I even believe in love anymore?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you NG. Many hugs. Please get those kids and hold them close to you. It is truly an intimacy disorder of THEIRS and, while it hasn't anything to do with you, it sure kicks you in the pants. It isn't you. Keep repeating that.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost - Contact is my favorite movie, too!!! What a small world!!! Everyone else should watch it, too. It is so true...hey, have you read the book? Carl Sagan has some very eloquent thoughts on humanity - our dreams and our nightmares. You should check it out if you haven't! (Warning: the plot line is different but the ideas are the same!) I'm so excited that you love that movie, too!!!

I do not know how cheaters can live this way. Meaning, keeping this kind of life-altering decision from your spouse. I can barely eat, I'm so nervous my hands are shaking, and several times today I felt like I was going to faint. How do cheaters do it?

NG - I feel exactly the same way holding onto this alcoholic information I learned about MIL over the weekend. Every time WS calls, I want to tell him everything. I am a terrible secret keeper (from him). How do they do it? It blows my mind, too. I'm having chest pains over a very small secret, and he was leading an entirely double life. It's just mind-boggling.

i watched Braveheart last night and wept so hard. That last scene where his lady love appears to him always gets me, but last night I just lost it. I feel like I'll never know that kind of love. I always wanted it. I'm capable of giving it. But now I'm middle-aged and just, just, UGH! So depressing. Do I even believe in love anymore?

It's not funny, but I'm laughing at this a little bit because I did the exact same thing on Wednesday night before I left for 9-hour road trip. It wasn't Braveheart, but it was similarly themed movie about a Scottish war hero (played by Kevin Costner - anyone know this movie?) who had this amazing love for his wife. I asked myself the same kind of questions you did. Then I got too depressed and turned it off, which is why I want to know the actual title because now I want to see the end!!!

Love like that may be a fantasy, but it's nice to get lost in the story of it every once and awhile. Unicorns and fairies are fictional too, but they were still my favorite books as a kid - a brief respite from the real world.

**((all))**


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet I've seen Contact about 20 times. I think I know every line of dialog.

And Braveheart.

Now I'm off to look up that Kevin Costner movie...

I need diversions.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know how cheaters can live this way. Meaning, keeping this kind of life-altering decision from your spouse. I can barely eat, I'm so nervous my hands are shaking, and several times today I felt like I was going to faint. How do cheaters do it?

NG - I feel exactly the same way holding onto this alcoholic information I learned about MIL over the weekend. Every time WS calls, I want to tell him everything. I am a terrible secret keeper (from him). How do they do it? It blows my mind, too. I'm having chest pains over a very small secret, and he was leading an entirely double life. It's just mind-boggling.

NG, this struck me too. I told my parents a BIG, deceitful lie about finances about a year ago - all related to the SA. In short, it led to another lie, and another lie.

I'm about to be caught, as everyone pores over my finances for the D. The sickening feeling of SHAME I feel is unlike anything I've ever felt before.

The funny thing is that the first lie started because I was ashamed. Then when I was asked about it, the shame washed over me again, and I lied again.

Lying does not come naturally to me. I'm awake every night having nightmares about everyone finding out.

But what I realize is that I've sort of entered the life of an addict (or probably a co-addict) - the shame causes the first "lie" and then layer and layer of shame builds up as you pedal faster and faster to cover it up. It's exhausting - and SHAMEFUL.

Anyhow, I'm thinking of you guys and praying that things go well for you. NG - please take care of yourself and your kiddies!


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning ladies, hugs and prayers for all of us as we begin another day. It sounds like the weekend was a struggle (as it often is).

We had to attend a funeral for one of SAWH's uncles. He finally surrendered his battle with cancer after a two year fight. I presume it was difficult for SAWH, but he hasn't shared much with me, other than stories of his childhood revolving around the uncle. It was a very long day.

Sunday we went to church together. I'm struggling to attend with him, but I'm glad I went. One of my GFs saw me and we had a chance to catch up. She's very supportive. I did get a very odd, noticeable reaction from one woman. Members have nametags to wear at social functions so you don't have to guess names. So I wore my name tag. She stared daggers at my tag- making me wonder WTH has been going on. She can be very friendly and overly chatty, one of the people it's difficult to escape from. My gut has been bothering me ever since I talked to her. I don't know that anything is going on, but I wonder of she'd had her sights on SAWH & suddenly realized he's actually married or whatever. I know that SAWH has talked to her & her mother as they come from a state in my home region. *sigh* I swear, this whole situation is a PITA.

Have a good day and take care of yourselves.

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 6:51 AM, January 30th (Monday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl,

Clearly I am a total idiot and cannot tell the difference between Kevin Costner and Liam Neeson, lol. The movie is called Rob Roy. When I couldn't locate it under Kevin Costner on imdb, I googled Scottish hero movies and found it!

My brain these days...I swear! I'm probably a danger to the public, haha.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refuse to watch those romantic movies anymore. Firstly, my H. in younger days was VERY celtic, black Irish in looks...truly a romantic hero look. Didn't take me long to fall. And secondly, because he USED to look at me that way, (check out this link-retro week on FB http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=442667) I THOUGHT he felt like that about me (says he did and does-the disease made him cheat and lie and abuse-yeah, right, that's how you treat someone you love and adore) I grew up very alone, from a very young age. ALL I wanted was someone to love me. I thought I found it. I didn't need lots of money, flashy house, jewelry, etc. Just someone to love ME. He still doesn't get completely how the constant criticism ate into my soul, and while I believed it was a function of his depression I was able to rug sweep it. When I found out he had replaced me with other women, skanks though they may be, it undid my soul.

He wants me to be happy. I don't know if I'll ever be "happy" again. Maybe I just need to give it more time.

My IC wants to try EMDR with me Wednesday, we'll see how that goes.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 4:43 PM, January 30th (Monday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat!!!

I just checked out your picture - you are so beautiful!!!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat - you're gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a beautiful, friendly smile, too.


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I am entering depression or what, but I am just so down in the dumps again. I don't care about my job. All I think about when I'm there is when do I get to come home. I keep envisioning WS acting out - flirting with other women, fooling around with other women, sleeping with other women - then coming home to me and acting like nothing is wrong (so disturbed by this by the way). I keep thinking about the times I caught him before we were married - how "good" and "sorry" he was at least for awhile, but how it always came back, always was worse (and in fact was much worse than I ever imagined). I don't know...I am angry again and sad. I just feel like he is a stranger. I feel like I don't know him at all, and I don't know how I'll ever be able to love him again. Why did he have to do this? Why did he pretend to love me? Why didn't he let me go on with my life so I could fall in love with someone else? Why wasn't the thought of hurting me enough to keep him from OW? Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he stop before? Why has my life turned out this way? Why...Why...Why...

Might look into ADs during IC tomorrow.

And I keep wondering...is hearing the disclosure going to make this better or worse?

I really wish my mom wasn't going with me...I know that's selfish and weird to say, but I just don't feel like having my "professional face" on during a time like this. I want to be able to scream and cry and be depressed or whatever without judgment. I just want to hide in my bed for a couple months (although I may find out he slept with someone in there on Thursday and even it won't be a safe place anymore.)

Too.much.emotion.make.it.stop.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah Kat, I understand. My SAWH also has those black Irish looks. At 58, he still have a full head of black hair and hazel green eyes. People think he dyes his hair, but he doesn't. He carries some extra weight now, but I still think he's incredibly handsome.

Had a horrible day at work today. I have a bully boss. WH has been so incredibly supportive and loving tonight. Just like he used to be. Damn him! I want to trust him again. I still see glimmers of the man he used to be. Damn him for hurting me! I still need him -- and I so wish I didn't...

Hugs, sisters. Hang in there...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies, but that was a looong time ago and a different life. One thing I think when I look at those pictures is, "I WAS pretty! Why did he cheat on me?!!!" Well, I guess Demi Moore, Elle Woods and a host of other far more beautiful women than we asked the same questions. And got the same non-answers...

WS, AD helped me through about a year and a half. I really don't think I would have coped well without them. There are side effects, but manageable ones. I don't take them now.

Ghost, the men they were are still in there. The alterego is just so strong. That addict/bigshot/liar-cheater-selfhater...There are all the other questions remaining, even if they get sober...can they stay there? And can you EVER trust yourself enough to be vulnerable with ANYONE, to let ANYONE into that most private part of you, knowing they can hurt you so much?
IDK. There ARE a few long time sober couples I know who seem VERY intimate and close. Maybe I do just need to give it time.

Hurting for you WS. Sending ALL of you hugs and LIGHT through the ethernet...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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