As I've mentioned, I'm trying to coordinate with my husband's support group for sex addicts to let him know that he can't live here any longer.
I gotta be honest, I'm feeling like the leader is really laying on the guilt & pressure for me to get into a support group for abused women. They won't help me (as in coordinate a time to talk to ***), actually, unless I plug into their organization & do everything they tell me to. He's calling this an emergency crisis situation. *I* am not calling this an emergency crisis situation, but he is. He's talking like *** is going to gun me down (I removed the gun months ago). He's talking to me like I'm dense or something.
Am I blind? Am I not understanding something?
I feel like all control over my life will be eliminated if I continue on this path. He's freaking me out. I feel like I am just starting to get some control in my life again and now here's a M-A-N coming along telling me what to do, guilting me into going along with his plan for me, blah blah blah.
I told him I don't want to commit to a weekly support group. I don't want to because I went to a meeting last summer & didn't feel right there, plus I don't want to put my kids into the kind of childcare they were in the last time because it went down a Christian faith path that I do NOT want my children being instructed in. I said I was open to talking to someone from the women's support group, but I don't want the weekly support group option. So he really started laying it on thick about how I'm obstructing help, I'm putting up boundaries, I'm being a problem...
He said if I don't get into the women's program, then all he'll commit to doing is giving me a 12-hour window/advance warning that they're going to talk to ***.
Again, am I blind? Do I not understand something? Is this normal to strong-arm a spouse in this manner?
I was trying to be nice by contacting the group to begin with. But dang. I detest people who treat me this way. I've been treated this way since childhood, and I cannot abide it any longer! What do I need this group for?
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 9:24 PM, January 30th (Monday)]
And if leader is concerned for your physical safety...all the more reason to get H out of the house pronto!
H still has no idea, right?
Wow...can you go stay with one of the women from church that you spoke of earlier?
My instincts say that your instincts seem right...get somewhere safe with a woman you trust. Let the men work out their issues amongst themselves...you are the victim here, not the perpetrator. Ridiculous...
Go from the bottom up
"YOU were the one that contacted me on THIS email. You are a low moral character and have to live with yourself. Your burden is my freedom. May your conscience be weighed down by your guilt.
Subject: Re: timeline
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:46:03 -0500
You keep contacting me. So I will ask you to do the same. Remove any way of communicating with me. There is no need for us to speak.
Sent from my iPhone
On Jan 30, 2012, at 1:06, PINK wrote:
12 Dec 11- 0900- I had a migraine, and we had sweet conversations about some boiled eggs I had made him and he hoped I was feeling better
12 Dec 11- 2100pm- we had a fuss about him talking to UNATTRACTIVE FRIEND continuously and that I felt upset, and that I had men that wanted to talk to me, and I wouldn't because we were married, but that I was feeling vulnerable- but that I remembered what being married meant - due to his never stopping that behavior, however I was very frustrated.
12 Dec 11 2200pm- I texted him and apologized for saying things the way I did, but that I was feeling very sad because he couldn't stop talking with UNATTRACTIVE FRIEND (and some others) obsessively- 7 texts a minute sometimes.
12 Dec 11 2227pm- He texted me (will forward this if needs be)
"FWD: PINK if I didn't love u I wouldn't have been in the bed with u the other night------" that was about our last time together intimately----10 Dec.
13 Dec 11- 12:50am- He CALLED YOU you after texting and you guys talked for 2 hours
13 Dec 11- 1400pm- we had the THERAPY SESSION where I expressed pain from him still talking to other women, and in frustration I said "I want out". This has been said before and we always worked it out, however this time he had you on the radar already.
13 Dec 11- 3:59pm- He called you for 238 minutes and you guys decided at that point to meet.
The rest is not worth my reflection. Apparently you are ok with my leftovers. I picked out his Ralph Lauren underwear.... he wore them for me first.
It is not how they "treat you" that shows they love you... It is having respect for you, and he can't because he knows what he is doing it wrong... no matter how you guys try to justify yourselves. Anyone can "treat" someone nicely... It is their character that matters. "Thou shall not commit adultery."
Now please remove any way of communicating with me from your data devices. There is no need for us to speak.
So I was weak- I know...
But then today, the advisers i have told me to send him a "let go" email so he wouldn't come back and think that I was in his way for the ideal life...
So here is the convo from that....
I am sure you will. You will be fine and I am sure have everything you ever wanted. I will get that stuff to you.
Subject: RE: reflections on the eve of filing....
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:48:30 -0500
I wish you well on your endeavors and in life.....i can be the man of my house and you can be the one in yours.....need to think about getting the tax return done... i can do it over here if you give me your info, car tags, etc...we both will recieve half...and you can spend it on what you want...or if you want to get ther attourneys involved thats fine too...anyway ....thanks once again for the pics of the girls.....
Subject: reflections on the eve of filing....
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:22:40 -0500
I just want to tell you that I still love the REAL you, I can still see some of the man you once were. If THAT guy ever surfaces again, let me know. Until then, I am letting you go. Releasing you to your new life and choices thereof. I am building myself into something wonderful, that I can recognize again.
My new job at CBS and my art job give me the sense of accomplishment, and I am going to live my life to the fullest. I work for the General Manager and do some very important things. I will be in front of the camera soon, and this is exciting to me. I hope for us, but I will not ever again be treated as second best. I am not and never was. I am working on healing and building my single life.
Should you find yourself regretting your choices later and want to fight for your family- all you have to do is let me know. The divorce is being filed tomorrow.
I am not angry, it just has to be done. I wish you peace and joy.
I just have no hope, but they wanted me to accomplish two things
1. Give him freedom
2. Give him hope (now that doesn't mean he will come HOME, he would have to follow Base protocol... so please don't think I am offering for him to come home.)
He is much like a kid right now, and apparently this particular OW is a real controller... Everything she says is done...
Please give me the spouses of SAs point of view...
[This message edited by pink carnation at 11:20 AM, January 31st (Tuesday)]
Everything this man said was calculated to make me very, very afraid and feel utterly helpless.
I have no doubt that the support group has helpful information. But if they're going to try and force me to do something I don't want to do, then the heck with them! There are other ways for me to get support. They aren't the one & only source for support. It boggles my mind that any group would act this way towards a betrayed spouse.
All I was asking was IF one of the men could be here when I tell WH to GTFO. The answer is no, not unless I join their group.
Anyone here with sugestions? Or a 2x4?
Tell them you have found sufficient support on your own, and appreciate their offer of help, BUT this should not be a term of facilitating your husband's move. I don't blame you for being upset. I don't like their "tone" with you.
Hang tough, sweetie and trust your gut. Be your own advocate and don't let them "railroad" you. So sorry your're dealing with more BS...
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 12:34 AM, January 31st (Tuesday)]
You can do this. You have been very strong. Maybe, he will come around. Good luck, hon!
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 12:35 AM, January 31st (Tuesday)]
My H has been very supportive and wants me to quit and start my own life coaching business. My life is falling apart and somehow, I should advise others? Ha! I would feel like a hypocrite.
Still, something has to give. I have been dealing with this passive-aggressive psycho for 2 years. Tonight, I asked my WH if I have a target on my back and why people feel so comfortable screwing me over?
His answer? Because of my easy going nature -- and they know there will be no consequences for their actions towards me. Whoa! Does he know what he just said??? No consequences for their shitty actions -- guess I know where I've failed. Consequences. It's high time I enforce some.
Thanks for listening to my rant, my sisters. I need to sleep now. Love to all...
Love to all.
Pink...holding you in the *LIGHT* and hoping you can find serenity...he isn't that man anymore. The only way to heal right now is to detach. It's the hardest, but the smartest thing you can do right now.
@Ghost...It is so hard to go into a job you hate. And to have the option to quit, well that's intriguing, surely, and I don't believe for a minute that you couldn't help people! Your posts are logical, and empathetic, and get to the root of the problem. Your comments certainly show and excellent command of written language. I would think that you could be a great life coach!
My only worry would be the need to be financially independent. Would this put you in a position of subservience to your WS in that area? If so, I would tread carefully, and maybe start up slow, while looking for a part-time job somewhere else.
I know that when the days at home have been tense and tough, my job, my KIDS have been a God-send-quite literally. I LOVE to teach, love these little kids, even if they're taller than me!
We all need to have that kind of life outside of the SA crap...
My WH has always encouraged me in this area, long before his affairs. But yes, I would be dependent on him financially, so I am not comfortable actively pursuing my dream at this time.
Today, my bully boss made threats against my co-worker and good friend. Now, SHE is ready to quit. Another day in paradise. I wish I felt safe somewhere in my life. WH's kindness and support is confusing me. I now realize I need to take my time making any permanent decisions about ANYTHING! My emotions are just all over the place.
Thanks again, Kat. Your support is much appreciated...
I see that your husband might be greatly influenced by OW right now. But I'm more worried about YOU and your children. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to take care of yourself, and you have lots of support. I hope you can let the officials take charge and start to detach a tiny bit from him - just so you can take care of yourself and think of yourself and figure out what YOU want. I'm thinking of you!
NG, I have to agree the "demands" sound cult-like. But I have to know, what is their reasoning? Do they do this kind of stuff all the time, and know if you don't have a certain kind of plan you are likely to fail? Or is it just a recruiting tactic, LOL. I can kind of see the logic that they go to the trouble to extract man that is threat, then when they leave the woman is vulnerable to man coming back. But it would seem logical that any backup plan to account for that would be fine, that it shouldn't have to be THEIR backup plan. IDK. Like I said, if they do this kind of thing all the time maybe they know, but if they don't screw that nonsense.
Ghost, I love the idea of starting anew with a dream job. Even if you aren't ready to make the leap now, why not start figuring out all the logistics of what it would take to get there. With a crazy boss like that the choice might be made for you at any time, KWIM? And if it gets to be too much, you have plan B right there to pursue and you can hit the ground running.
(((Pink))) I think you know his has to run its course. I think you know it's a train wreck, so hard to look away and try not to stop it. But be strong mama and focus on YOU and your kids. It's going to take every bit of you to keep what remains of your family together and above water, you can't have him weighing you down. This may very well be the path to the rock bottom he needs - let him have it. And OW can deal with the consequences of her choices then. Karma, baby!
[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:10 AM, February 1st (Wednesday)]
I stayed calm, and said something like this..."It is ok, you have made your choice and I have made some, it doesn't matter anymore, I have plans for myself and you have found your dreamgirl, even though everyone knows she is bleeding you dry, but that is YOUR choice..." He attempted to keep me on some more, and I just calmly told him good luck, and let him talk to youngest and politely "hung up on him". I feel so liberated!!!! He literally didn't know what to think... he is used to having me think for him. NOT anymore!!!! I just let him know that THIS girl deserves all the great in the world, and he has to live with his choices.... that is living with his waaaaaay heavier than he likes, money sucking, smoking, big ol' scary cat sitting on dishes, roomates included personal hell... and he gets to pay her for rent lol!!!!!! WHATEVER!!!! I am not a candidate for a RO, but I have other safety measures in place. As Andy would say to OPIE- "Sorry you decided to run away, we are gonna miss you, but we understand..."
It also helps that my atty is making the case have an allegation of possible mental illness, so the judge could look at manditory treatment, if nothing else but for him to be a proper father. My atty also said his atty is an idiot (he said it nicer), also atty said when he has to have his "sins" read out in court it is going to be humiliating for him. Another factor is that my atty also noted that by reading his communications and reviewing his decisions he is a very deeply sick person. And his atty will be sorry for taking the case at all. He is already not following his atty's advice... lol Oh well, i am supposed to let him commit all the crazy he will do... don't worry no interferrance from me.... Hit that rock...