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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((KAT))))))

((((Kat's family)))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8735 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Kat!!!!!


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat, I am so relieved for you and your family! Thank God he is s safe place where he can get help. I will send continued prayers for all of you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fabulous news SK! I'm so happy for you and your family, especially DS. Continued good wishes to all.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a start. A good one. I am not stupid enough to think this is a magic cure. I am sure there are some things I don't know that I am about to find out.

SAfWH and I aren't communicating well about this but nerves are shattered...we'll get there. Thanks all for taking time from your own journeys to think of me.

NG, Pink, WS, Ghost, Sabrina et al, I know you all are in the middle of tense situations and I thank you for thinking of me.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies,

I have been thinking of you so much the last few days.

Disclosure went "well" as far as disclosures go. Problem was much more serious than I ever imagined, and I still get the feeling there is more that will surface with his therapy. But he told me a lot, and I appreciated what he did tell me. I've already forgotten most of it - didn't really want to hear it, just wanted him to admit it and be honest.

WS is really discovering a lot of the hidden motivations behind his acting out - A LOT more has surfaced about his FOO including affairs, addictions, physical abuse, and disease to name a few. I sense a difference in him already - on a self-awareness / vulnerability level. He has a lot more work to do, but I feel like he has a shot if he continues the work. His entire family will be seeing a CSAT family therapist when he "graduates" from Keystone. If nothing else, I feel like all this sh*t hitting the fan will bring about some healing within his FOO. They have been keeping secrets and burying shame for a very long time.

[Big breath]

So how do I feel...

Well, seeing him in person made me miss him quite a bit. Although in a lot of ways he seemed like a stranger to me - I would look at him, look at his wedding ring, then think...that's weird, that applies to me. I feel like I've never "really" known him - and in a lot of ways, I think he's never "really" known himself. So it is like we're two strangers. I'm not sure what will happen. We both have our individual healing and therapy to do; he has at least 6 months of recovery to get under his belt before we can even begin marriage counseling (recommended by CSAT); I feel like we will both be very different people as a result of this...I guess the question is whether we will still like each other after we are changed. I guess that is only something that can be seen with time.

"When it rains it pours..."

Don't know what it is about the universe that makes bad things all seem to happen at once, but when I got home I had a rejection letter waiting for me from graduate school. [I have a 4.0 GPA and near perfect GRE scores - what else is it that they want???] I also found out that I blew the head gasket in my car...ouch. Bank account is hemorrhaging out of control...

[Big breath].

It was good to see WS though. I wish him the best. One thing CSAT said that stuck out to me: "WS will always be an addict. But he has the choice whether to act out or not." That helped resolve a lot of things for me internally - that yes, addiction is a disease outside of one's control but choosing to act out (especially after gaining the knowledge, tools and support to handle it in other ways) is a decision within one's control. I await his actions which will reveal to me whether a healthy relationship is a possibility for us or not.

And I hope that at least one graduate school will give me a shot, and my car will heal quickly, too.

***(((all)))***


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK
Great news about DS. At least he took that important first step to get himself help. Hopefully this will be his turn around point. Good for you and fWH in standing firm together on this.

WS
It must be a weight off your shoulders to have the disclosure out of the way. Sorry to hear you didn't get accepted to the grad school. It certainly seems sometimes that when it rains it pours. You're obviously a very smart and articulate person so you have to wonder what they are looking for. On the other hand, it's often the case that when one door closes another one opens, so maybe a better opportunity is around the corner.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS~ Hugs! I've been thinking about you. It sounds like "disclosure" went as well as could be expected. This is good.

Sorry about your car and grad school. "When it rains, it pours" seems to apply to my entire 2011. How many schools did you apply to? Any school would be lucky to have you. Hang in there, hon. Here's hoping for better days ahead...

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 2:40 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning: TMI to follow..

Had a crazy day. I think seeing WS has really set me back from all the helpful separation I'd done over the past 6 weeks. I was "reeling" - I think is the word. Flipping back and forth between missing WS and playing mind movies of him with OW - flipping faster and faster and faster. It got so bad that I did some things that I know are bad ideas...I drank alone, I took some old medicine that was in the cabinet, I even looked at porn...I know, WTF?!? I was just trying to get the reeling to stop - my head was spinning, my heart beating so fast, couldn't breathe, chest pains, etc. Well the combination of all those things did send me into a bit of a trance, and I felt "better" but then I started having even darker thoughts about harming myself...again, WTF?!? Finally the logical part of me kicked in and said "Get out of the apartment and go do something before you do something you regret," so I took myself to see the whale movie. It was the first movie I'd ever seen by myself, but it was good.

I guess my question is...WTF?!? What is wrong with me?!? Disclosure went "well," all things considered. Why am I acting even crazier than I did following dday? And WTF with the porn? That is just fucked up...I am fucked up. Can anyone help me figure out my brain...why am I so fucked up?!?

Sorry for the cursing...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WS))))
Everyone else is probably asleep, but I just wanted to answer your post. You've experienced an incredible amount of trauma in the past several days. It's probably too much to deal with - for anyone to deal with. And of course our minds deal with trauma in all sorts of unexpected ways.

I've explored a lot of my own PTSD in IC - basically, your brain needs to shut down to absorb traumatic information that hurts you or threatens you. And somehow, that's what your brain told you to do tonight.

I know that others here will write tomorrow and probably offer better advice, but I just wanted you to know that I read your post, I completely understand, it doesn't shock me at all, and I'm thinking of you.

xo,
Hope


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you are doing what addicts do, although with the realization that it is NOT good and that you aren't going to continue it...You are self medication to numb the pain. Don't beat yourself up, but do get onto a healthy track. Do something nice for yourself that allows you to feel good about yourself. Your post to me was a good start. A mitzvah as my Jewish father would say.

Did I mention that my spiritual upbringing was confusing at best!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
What?  Posted: 1:17 AM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your cursing is cathartic. Cathartic for you, and also for ME because I certainly am walking around & sitting here with the same curses rattling around in my brain. It feels good to see the cursing. I didn't really used to laugh at cursing, but I do these days.

I think you are probably having a shitstorm in your brain of reactions. And so you're spinning through all of them, trying them on, seeing which one will work for that moment. I think that is WTF is going on with you. 'Cuz that's what's been going on with me for the past six months. Although I stopped short of the porn. I seriously pondered watching some "soft" stuff on Netflix, though, a while back. But I just couldn't bring myself to because of how badly porn has hurt me & WH. So I understand the impulse to "go there".

Be gentle with yourself. You are only human, after all. Your true nature will always be there, even if you go through bouts of temporary insanity.

((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8735 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ don't beat yourself up, hon. I've also been there. With all the slow, insidious TT I endured with SAWH-- every new and shattering discovery, sent me back into the abyss.

No porn, but self-medicating to numb the pain with alcohol and pills more times than I care to admit. I just wanted to stop the pain and the endless mind movies. I did admit this to my IC, and it was then I was diagnosed with PTSD. I venture to guess any partner of a SA would qualify for this diagnosis. We are all traumatized.

Thank God, you had the presence of mind to get out and see a movie. Please, please reach out to a doctor or IC next time you feel this way. You have been remarkably strong, but everyone needs some help sometimes.

Keep us posted,sweetie. We're here for you. Sending you love and prayers...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK...enough is enough...I have a plan. Check out this link

http://www.irishisanattitude.com/documents/contentdocuments/doc_23_5_63.pdf

Although this is a prearranged tour we don't have to follow this but could just steal these ideas. This is not set in stone, but it is something we could use as a guide. I picked Columbus because 1) it is cheap to get to 2) it is sort of central geographically.

I can get there anytime in the summer months. I can go for 2-3 days or what ever. I know so many of you have little ones, and may not be able to get childcare. Maybe you could bring along a babysitter and you'd at least have a bit of time with the grownups. If we rent a car, I could be Designate driver, I don't mind not drinking.

What do you think? If you can go but have only set dates let us all know and maybe others can work around you...

I'm serious. Calgon take me away!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oooooh, it sounds heavenly...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Road trip!!! I love road trips!!!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your support. I continue to be very anxious, but I assume it will get better with time. Thanks for holding my virtual hand while I wait to heal. Again, I am so grateful to have found this site - I would most certainly be crazy without it!

Today would have been our 9-year dating anniversary, ie 9 years ago today we decided to become a "monogamous" couple. It is sad to me, but also ironic since he was never monogamous. Tuesday is his birthday. Normally this would be a very happy time of year for us. Just different I guess...so much is changing, everything is changing, but I guess it needs to...

Love to all.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - thread hog here, lol...

One of the things that was odd about seeing WS was this very real and genuine physical fear - I was very afraid of him physically. (Absolutely no basis for this by the way.)

Does anyone else have this issue? Is this like a PTSD thing? CSAT thought maybe it had to do with rape issues from before.

Anyway, just wondering. Seems like I should be depressed not anxious...but I am definitely feeling anxiety.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ I think you are feeling anxious because you still have trust issues. How could you not? I think physically seeing your SAWH again brought all the trauma back to the forefront.

I continue to have trust issues with my SAWH. He refuses treatment, refuses to discuss any of it, so I fully expect he will hurt me again. It not a matter of "if", but "when". What a horrible way to live!

Hugs to you, sweetie. Hang in there...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are trying very hard to make the best of an impossible situation, and doing it in a very public way. You are trying to be fair to your SAWH who, while he is trying to get well, really didn't have much choice in the matter, did he? AND in doing so, abandoned YOU in the town where he "sinned," leaving you to bear the brunt of the shame. You, more than most of the rest of us, had face this demon in public where most of us have been able, for the most part, to keep this a family matter.

If you blow off some steam once in a while, so what!? Just don't hurt yourself by overdoing it...personally, my vocabulary has expanded exponentially. I do believe I'd embarrass a sailor or two.

PTSD is real. And common among S's of SA's. And you, my friend were also another kind of victim as well. I think you are quite an amazing young woman. Hold your head high and be proud...and be kind to yourself. The grad school you get into will be the RIGHT one, and your car will get fixed and be as good as new...things do happen for a reason.

*****(((((WS)))))****** (loveit)


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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