"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
SAfWH and I aren't communicating well about this but nerves are shattered...we'll get there. Thanks all for taking time from your own journeys to think of me.
NG, Pink, WS, Ghost, Sabrina et al, I know you all are in the middle of tense situations and I thank you for thinking of me.
I have been thinking of you so much the last few days.
Disclosure went "well" as far as disclosures go. Problem was much more serious than I ever imagined, and I still get the feeling there is more that will surface with his therapy. But he told me a lot, and I appreciated what he did tell me. I've already forgotten most of it - didn't really want to hear it, just wanted him to admit it and be honest.
WS is really discovering a lot of the hidden motivations behind his acting out - A LOT more has surfaced about his FOO including affairs, addictions, physical abuse, and disease to name a few. I sense a difference in him already - on a self-awareness / vulnerability level. He has a lot more work to do, but I feel like he has a shot if he continues the work. His entire family will be seeing a CSAT family therapist when he "graduates" from Keystone. If nothing else, I feel like all this sh*t hitting the fan will bring about some healing within his FOO. They have been keeping secrets and burying shame for a very long time.
So how do I feel...
Well, seeing him in person made me miss him quite a bit. Although in a lot of ways he seemed like a stranger to me - I would look at him, look at his wedding ring, then think...that's weird, that applies to me. I feel like I've never "really" known him - and in a lot of ways, I think he's never "really" known himself. So it is like we're two strangers. I'm not sure what will happen. We both have our individual healing and therapy to do; he has at least 6 months of recovery to get under his belt before we can even begin marriage counseling (recommended by CSAT); I feel like we will both be very different people as a result of this...I guess the question is whether we will still like each other after we are changed. I guess that is only something that can be seen with time.
"When it rains it pours..."
Don't know what it is about the universe that makes bad things all seem to happen at once, but when I got home I had a rejection letter waiting for me from graduate school. [I have a 4.0 GPA and near perfect GRE scores - what else is it that they want???] I also found out that I blew the head gasket in my car...ouch. Bank account is hemorrhaging out of control...
It was good to see WS though. I wish him the best. One thing CSAT said that stuck out to me: "WS will always be an addict. But he has the choice whether to act out or not." That helped resolve a lot of things for me internally - that yes, addiction is a disease outside of one's control but choosing to act out (especially after gaining the knowledge, tools and support to handle it in other ways) is a decision within one's control. I await his actions which will reveal to me whether a healthy relationship is a possibility for us or not.
And I hope that at least one graduate school will give me a shot, and my car will heal quickly, too.
It must be a weight off your shoulders to have the disclosure out of the way. Sorry to hear you didn't get accepted to the grad school. It certainly seems sometimes that when it rains it pours. You're obviously a very smart and articulate person so you have to wonder what they are looking for. On the other hand, it's often the case that when one door closes another one opens, so maybe a better opportunity is around the corner.
Sorry about your car and grad school. "When it rains, it pours" seems to apply to my entire 2011. How many schools did you apply to? Any school would be lucky to have you. Hang in there, hon. Here's hoping for better days ahead...
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 2:40 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]
Had a crazy day. I think seeing WS has really set me back from all the helpful separation I'd done over the past 6 weeks. I was "reeling" - I think is the word. Flipping back and forth between missing WS and playing mind movies of him with OW - flipping faster and faster and faster. It got so bad that I did some things that I know are bad ideas...I drank alone, I took some old medicine that was in the cabinet, I even looked at porn...I know, WTF?!? I was just trying to get the reeling to stop - my head was spinning, my heart beating so fast, couldn't breathe, chest pains, etc. Well the combination of all those things did send me into a bit of a trance, and I felt "better" but then I started having even darker thoughts about harming myself...again, WTF?!? Finally the logical part of me kicked in and said "Get out of the apartment and go do something before you do something you regret," so I took myself to see the whale movie. It was the first movie I'd ever seen by myself, but it was good.
I guess my question is...WTF?!? What is wrong with me?!? Disclosure went "well," all things considered. Why am I acting even crazier than I did following dday? And WTF with the porn? That is just fucked up...I am fucked up. Can anyone help me figure out my brain...why am I so fucked up?!?
Sorry for the cursing...
I've explored a lot of my own PTSD in IC - basically, your brain needs to shut down to absorb traumatic information that hurts you or threatens you. And somehow, that's what your brain told you to do tonight.
I know that others here will write tomorrow and probably offer better advice, but I just wanted you to know that I read your post, I completely understand, it doesn't shock me at all, and I'm thinking of you.
Did I mention that my spiritual upbringing was confusing at best!
I think you are probably having a shitstorm in your brain of reactions. And so you're spinning through all of them, trying them on, seeing which one will work for that moment. I think that is WTF is going on with you. 'Cuz that's what's been going on with me for the past six months. Although I stopped short of the porn. I seriously pondered watching some "soft" stuff on Netflix, though, a while back. But I just couldn't bring myself to because of how badly porn has hurt me & WH. So I understand the impulse to "go there".
Be gentle with yourself. You are only human, after all. Your true nature will always be there, even if you go through bouts of temporary insanity.
No porn, but self-medicating to numb the pain with alcohol and pills more times than I care to admit. I just wanted to stop the pain and the endless mind movies. I did admit this to my IC, and it was then I was diagnosed with PTSD. I venture to guess any partner of a SA would qualify for this diagnosis. We are all traumatized.
Thank God, you had the presence of mind to get out and see a movie. Please, please reach out to a doctor or IC next time you feel this way. You have been remarkably strong, but everyone needs some help sometimes.
Keep us posted,sweetie. We're here for you. Sending you love and prayers...
Although this is a prearranged tour we don't have to follow this but could just steal these ideas. This is not set in stone, but it is something we could use as a guide. I picked Columbus because 1) it is cheap to get to 2) it is sort of central geographically.
I can get there anytime in the summer months. I can go for 2-3 days or what ever. I know so many of you have little ones, and may not be able to get childcare. Maybe you could bring along a babysitter and you'd at least have a bit of time with the grownups. If we rent a car, I could be Designate driver, I don't mind not drinking.
What do you think? If you can go but have only set dates let us all know and maybe others can work around you...
I'm serious. Calgon take me away!
Today would have been our 9-year dating anniversary, ie 9 years ago today we decided to become a "monogamous" couple. It is sad to me, but also ironic since he was never monogamous. Tuesday is his birthday. Normally this would be a very happy time of year for us. Just different I guess...so much is changing, everything is changing, but I guess it needs to...
Love to all.
One of the things that was odd about seeing WS was this very real and genuine physical fear - I was very afraid of him physically. (Absolutely no basis for this by the way.)
Does anyone else have this issue? Is this like a PTSD thing? CSAT thought maybe it had to do with rape issues from before.
Anyway, just wondering. Seems like I should be depressed not anxious...but I am definitely feeling anxiety.
I continue to have trust issues with my SAWH. He refuses treatment, refuses to discuss any of it, so I fully expect he will hurt me again. It not a matter of "if", but "when". What a horrible way to live!
Hugs to you, sweetie. Hang in there...
If you blow off some steam once in a while, so what!? Just don't hurt yourself by overdoing it...personally, my vocabulary has expanded exponentially. I do believe I'd embarrass a sailor or two.
PTSD is real. And common among S's of SA's. And you, my friend were also another kind of victim as well. I think you are quite an amazing young woman. Hold your head high and be proud...and be kind to yourself. The grad school you get into will be the RIGHT one, and your car will get fixed and be as good as new...things do happen for a reason.