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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired~ I think it depends on a number of factors~ the laws of the state and country you are in, how long support has been in effect, the current income and income history of her and your H. If she was previously working, they might impute her an income based on what she was making.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle...I will never understand how the financial needs of the Oc seem to matter more then the COM. That's why I'm worried. And yes I wanted to call into the talkshow but it was pre recorded.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger~ exactly....it is so maddening, and I hate having to keep going back to fight against it just because OW insists on being stubborn and greedy. She has made exceptions on her child support orders before~ she actually agreed to terminate her 2nd H's order at least twice. And several years ago, (2005 I believe) she went with my H to agree to $200 per month. But then she had a "change of heart" a few months later and went back to get it higher again. It should be so obvious to that support office that she does not act based on her children's needs, it is a game to her....but apparently they don't care or just encourage it.

This is the kind of stuff that makes R particularly hard (not impossible, but harder)...the residual and current effects of dealing OW and her choices and actions. In our first few years of recovery, I was overwhelmed by all of the anger/depression/shock etc. I felt over the fact that it wasn't just about getting over the adultery, but that she got pregnant and had my H's child out of it too. There were times I didn't even want H to touch me, I was so hurt by the repercussions of his careless actions. I realized that he is no longer actively hurting me though. I've made very clear boundaries in my mind~ I blame both of them for having sex. All of the current stuff that's going on....the support increase namely...that was her decision. She's abusing that power, therefore I am mad at her for doing that.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That’s what gets me every time. I have really good, awesome days. But then this darkness comes over me. It wasn’t just sex. They had a child together – he was so careless in his cheating that he created a life with a woman that wasn’t me. And, even if he continues NC with the OW/OC we all know the truth. And that smug bitch loves knowing it. She kept face booking me until I cancelled my account giving me the details of their sexual history (some of it was a lie because she couldn’t keep her stories straight) but the point is, they had sex and are connected forever because of it. Some days, it’s all I think about – my IC says it’s normal, but, I hate the moments of intense anger, shock and disbelief that wash over me. I actually find myself envying those whose h’s had an affair, but, it stopped at the affair – no child involved. He’s truly remorseful but, I found it so difficult to handle I moved out…he’s trying his hardest to get his family back together (when I left I took our kids too), but R seems near impossible when I feel like this. The betrayal kills me. If he has to pay support IDK where the extra money will come from – and, if he could have kept it in his pants we wouldn’t be worrying about this. I hate being here - the other day he says he has a soft spot for the OC because his mother is a conniving bitch and she shouldn’t be raising kids. Well…it’s nice for him to feel all high and mighty, but, where the hell was this thinking when he slept with her?????? He has 4 kids – could he not figure out that if he has sex with this idiot she COULD get preggers. I FUCKING HATE THIS. Sorry for the profanity, I don’t often swear but sometimes I don’t know what else to say!

And Sparkle - I agree with your reason to be mad at the OW...my H's OW only took him to court when he decided NC was the best way to save his family - she said "we will not be ignored". She thought by outing him to me and his parents would force him to bond and raise OC - she also thought she could replace me and it was a rude awakening when 1. he didn't leave me and vice versa 2. his parents didn't "shame" him into parenting 3. his parents had no interest in meeting her or her son and 4. my H followed through when he told her he wasn't going to be contacting her ever again

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:56 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger~ no need to apologize....you need to get out those emotions. Awhile ago, H got a punching/kickboxing bag....when I feel like I'm having one of those darker days, I go and wail on it pretending that it is the OW. It lets me vent, doesn't inflict actual damage on her and yet gives me a workout, too!

I absolutely know how hard it is to think about forgiving your fwH, especially in the first few years after D-Day. It is a battle and it's a sucky situation that we never asked for, but it will get better than it is now. Stay strong *hugs*


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sparkle. and THAT'S why I'm here - to hear that my feelings are normal, people have acted like, you've chosen to forgive so get over it. Those comments make me realize if you haven't been through it, you have NO idea. So thanks

I hope everyone else is doing okay - this thread is quiet lately - but, maybe that's a good thing? Maybe that means less drama for some?


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They had a child together – he was so careless in his cheating that he created a life with a woman that wasn’t me.

^^^THIS!!! Ugh, it turns my stomach.

I am STILL waiting to hear from our attorney, who is turning out to be LAZY. She gathered all of the paperwork from us and OW (for the adoption) and hasn't filed it with the courts yet, and it's been 2 months! I can't go get another attorney, as this was a flat fee that we paid up front.

I just wanted to check in and see how everyone is. You are all in my thoughts, and I am following all of your stories and wishing you all well.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you Want - I hope there's a resolution in your case soon. The waiting is the hardest part.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2~ well that bites....I was hoping that the adoption process was moving along for you. Boo to attorneys who take money and don't actually do anything for it. I really hope you get word soon.

stronger~ you are absolutely right....people are so quick to judge you without thinking what they would honestly do if they were confronted with the same hard truths. Bottom line, it is your unique journey to healing and it is nobody else's place to tell you how to or when to.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to that loathed OW support office again~ even though support is paid ahead by $10, they took out $185 again yesterday. And that money REALLY needs to come back to us right now.

This happened on the anniversary of the day H and I met almost 20 years ago. What I hate is that OW was the one who introduced me to him. How I wish I could go back and erase her from the equation.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sparkle - ((HUGS))... I wish I had words of wisdom for you

Hopefully, you and H will get this all sorted out soon.

Wishing you lots of strength and patience


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
SabbyKat
♀ New Member
Member # 40800
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone had OW fake a pregnancy?

Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. That's awful!The OW DID tell my h she had a vasectomy. I said, "women don't have vasectomy's, they get their tubes tied, idiot"


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone had OW fake a pregnancy?

LOTS of people, most of them do not stay on this board. This board is for those personally dealing with the situation.

My best friend's H had an affair around the same time as my H. His OW faked a pregnancy, an elaborate miscarriage (at 12 weeks), a fake cremation/funeral. They ended out finding out (from the OW's BH) that it was ALL LIES. She had never been pregnant, never been in the hospital for a miscarriage, and never cremated a 12 week old baby.

Now, on the bright side, this week was our 12 year anniversary (of being together, not being married), and on that day we checked the mail and the lawyer had mailed the petition for the courts! We got a copy, and OW got a copy. OW and her H will sign it in front of a notary, and send it to the lawyer, the lawyer will file it with the courts, and in about 3 months (if all goes according to plan) OC will no longer be my H's child legally!

It was so wonderful to read the words in the paperwork about OC being legally OW's husband's child. It was a little bit of a trigger to read "[OC] born to [OW] and [my FWH], an unmarried couple..." I wanted to be like "they were never a fucking 'couple'!!!" but I just reminded myself it is standard language.

I hope nothing gets delayed or messed up because of it, but I had to chuckle to myself about how much OW has lied to the attorney. She lied about who she lives with (they live with OW's parents, she said they lived on their own), lied about how long they've been together, lied about all of the places OC has lived in her 5 years of life, etc. Nothing major that should cause any hiccups in the legal process (except living with the parents, who would need additional criminal background checks), but I never realized how much of a liar OW is! I don't know her well, and have heard about some lies she has told my stepDs and others (all stories about me, and the manner in which FWH left her, but minor things that just make her look like the perpetual victim she tries to portray herself as), but MAN, I don't know if she could tell the truth if she tried!

FWH was rather disgusted as well, and I hope it really drove home the extent to which he "affaired down". One thing that I very much pride myself on is my honesty, and I am known for it (as in "You can trust Want2help, she never lies." or "Tell that to Want2help and ask her opinion, she'll tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not.") I have also never, ever been one to play the victim.

Anyhow, the attorney needs to draw up a consent form (termination of parental rights) for FWH to sign in front of a notary, and that can be filed, and the petition to be filed, then just a waiting game. I am hoping, HOPING it can be done before the new year, so we can start 2014 off with this done and over with.

We have been dealing with his A and the repercussions (OW and OC) since 2007. It will be phenomenal to close this chapter of our lives.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2Help - I'm so happy for u This is such awesome news!


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, stronger! I just want everyone to know that there are happier days ahead. Even without the adoption, somehow an OC becomes a "new normal", and the pain slowly dulls and fades.

My thoughts are with you all.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is great news, Want2! I'm happy to hear it


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I logged onto Facebook today (the fake account which I use to converse with OW) to find she has messaged me to let me know that she got the paperwork from the attorney, and hopes to have it signed in front of a notary Friday as her H works until Thursday night (he works as a caregiver in a residential care facility, last I heard, so he does many overnights).

I so badly want to write her back and say:

"ALL CONTACT GOES THROUGH THE ATTORNEY. I don't care about you or your fucking life, you sow faced slut, just make it happen."

But, I of course didn't. I put my boots on and walked the high road, as I have always done, and told her that we knew because the lawyer had contacted us, but thanked her for letting us know.

I want to have respect for her and her H for doing this, but she has shown that she is exactly the same person that screwed my H and then harassed me for over 2 years straight. Add that to the fact that her husband was engaged to his pregnant high school sweetheart when OW got pregnant by him (and to my knowledge he does NOT see his other child), and no, I have no respect for either of them.

But, I will just play along until OC is adopted.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want everyone to know that there are happier days ahead. Even without the adoption, somehow an OC becomes a "new normal", and the pain slowly dulls and fades.

Thanks

I can't wait til the courtdate. I know he doesn't "qualify as parent" legally BUT idk whats gonna happen. I'm not a lawyer and the duty counsel called H's particular situation "hard to determine" as another man raised the OC and signed the birth certificate and has an order to pay support...I wish I was a lawyer or knew a lawyer - obviously I want the judge to side with H and this OW blows away in the wind (like they all should) but we'll see. I'll keep you updated!

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:33 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies, stronger, but I don't recall if the man who signed the birth certificate KNEW that it wasn't his child?

It takes a special kind of evil for a human to trick another person into believing a child is/is not theirs.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
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