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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here have the OW SAY she aborted but then have a child given OW last name? Dates WH gave don't exactly match, but in conversation between me and OW she said the father is a married man who went back to wife, as my WH did after being with her. I wonder a lot it if is his child, he says I take her word on abortion and don't want to know more.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got paperwork in the mail that the child is in fact his. Feel crushed. Can someone..anyone please let me know how you get through this everyday! I just feel sick to my stomach.
I am a stay at home mom and now will be going back to work as we can not afford to pay child support and I do not want my children to suffer because of this. Has anyone here ever sued OW?
My grandmother told me to fight for my marriage and not let the OW win. Right now I do not think my H is a prize worth fighting for. I am emotionally exhausted and do not have any fight let in me. I feel stupid and wonder what was the point in my making good decisions for our family when you do this. He says he does not want contact as he hates this child and does not think he will ever be able to love her.
WTF...I am baffled. I do not feel I have to take care of this child but...wow....what kind of life is she going to have with a ho for a mother and a man who hates her for a father. People make stupid stupid choices that other have suffer through. My H says he was drunk when it happened but I do not care. Wonder what he would say if I showed up pregnant with someone else's kids....


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Older~
I never put anything past one of these broads. EVER

((Storm))

I am so sorry. I still get a knot in my stomach every time I read that someone got the results back. The only thing I can tell you is the pain lessons as time goes on. There are days I still fall apart but I do have really good days too.
Your husband may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. In time he may change his mind.
It's such a fucked up situation.

Hugs to all


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both think she poked a hole in the condom. She sent him a text saying she had planned the entire thing. Just crazy!!!!!
I am more worried about my kids than anything else. One of the main reasons I am getting a job is to hire a attorney.
I found out today that she is only entitled to something like 4% in Illinois as I have two children with my husband and the state takes that into account. If I have to leave him and file for support to protect them I will!
Whatever it takes. I am definitely taking legal action against. I think that since she turned my life upside down I should return the favor.
I am going to do some research and see what I can do on my own to get things started as I can not afford an attorney at this time.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to both of you. This situation is horrible to all involved. My h is being taken to court for support too.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

storm~ sending you hugs and lots of strength. The day we got the test results hit me harder then D-Day. It is a horrible thing that none of us should have to go through

It is extremely tough, whether you chose to R or not. It is a completely personal decision. The OC situation aside, would you want to reconcile? Do you feel that your fwH is willing to fight for the marriage and make amends?

I have recently sued the OW for harassment, because she continued to send texts, emails and call our house even after my H had given her notice to back off.

I have been a SAHM as well, and while I want to work, it is very difficult in our situation. We also had to fight the court recently because they put me in at an assessed income, and used the inflated net income to jack up the support amount she gets. It's good to hear that in your state, they take the COM into account first. The way they are doing it here is strictly an 'income shares' model~ splitting what he makes and what she makes to determine support...and then only after that do they consider our household at all. Truly sucks.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think it's official. OW is the stupidest person on the planet.

We've been waiting for her to have the adoption paperwork signed by her and her H in front of a notary, then notarized, and sent back to the attorney. I had attorney send a self addressed stamped envelope, so that OW couldn't screw that up. When Ow messaged me that they had received paperwork, I told her where to find a notary, in hopes that she wouldn't screw that up.

Well, today we found out that OW signed the paperwork, and there is a signature where the notary is supposed to sign, but no date AND NO SEAL.

It wouldn't surprise me if Ow had someone who wasn't a notary sign it, thinking she'd get away with it. She had someone forge FWH's signature on documents at the hospital, and she thinks she's sly like that. Little does she know, she's an idiot.

So the attorney sent her the paperwork back with a note to have that notary sign and date it, but in all likelihood OW will need all new paperwork.

Ugh, just another bump in the road.

I am sorry to see so many members joining, and getting dna results. But I am following your stories and here if you need advice.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2333 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2~ ugh....what a headache. I hope everything gets straightened out sooner rather than later.

Another damn day of OW BS today. fwH is supposed to pick up OC tonight at 6. He can't, because our 2nd oldest has to be at an activity 15 minutes after OC pick-up time. So fwH asked if he could pick up OC earlier and have OC ready to leave earlier on Sunday, or if she could drop him off tonight and he could drop him Sunday. She's refusing, and telling him how "order says you pick him up at 6". She has also made a habit of signing all of her emails to fwH with her and her boyfriend's name, and says that "they" chose OC's new pediatrician, and "they" signed and submitted the paperwork....yet every chance she gets, she will go on about how I am not part of anything. My H told her that her boyfriend should not be signing or deciding that stuff, as he doesn't have any legal custody of the child. She retorted that, "not picking him up at 6 is going against physical custody".

So, I guess OC doesn't visit this weekend, as I'll be damned if I would make our child miss her activity because we had to pick OC up at exactly that time. Of course, OW will sure enjoy spending the f***ing 'court ordered amount' in support money that they make sure she gets!!!!

On a side note: I was reading a column in a magazine recently, saying how it was Not OK to give someone other than the people who raised you a framed picture of yourself as a present....ever. Do you know that that is exactly what I got for Christmas from OW one year? It was a picture of her and her daughter....but she was pregnant with OC at the time! What kind of sick egomaniac does that?


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a picture of her and her daughter....but she was pregnant with OC at the time! What kind of sick egomaniac does that?

That is very disturbing. Like, seriously.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2333 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle and want: I hate both your OWs and I dont know them!! All Ows seem to think this is a game. My Hs ow is supposed to serve my H with more paperwork and she hasn't yet. She only has a little while left to do it. I'm hoping she doesn't and this whole matter sides with H. Selfishly...not dealing with ow/oc and not having support payments would be great for R


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle 76,
This entire mess should not happen to anyone.
I am nervous about R. I want it for my children. I have days where I am all in and other where I think life would be easier if we D. I am really just taking my time and trying to figure out what I want. I told H this weekend that I did not want him to have contact with OW or OC at this time. I let him know that I could not handle that at this time. He was supportive and said he understood and that he did not expect us to be one happy family. On one hand I feel like I really bad person for demanding NC with OC. On the other I understand what OW did and know I have to put my children first and that OW did not give my children any consideration so why should I give hers any. We go to first CS hearing tomorrow so we will see how that goes. H does not make a lot of money so we will see. Feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing. I also let my husband know that if this became too much of financial burden I would legally seperate and then file for support to protect out children. On a good not...Had a great weekend. Went to a wedding of all things...lol Hard not to tell the bride to run for her life...


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None of us here are bad people for wanting NC. I chose to R even though we still have contact with OC and OW, and it has obviously not made things any easier. I feel that you absolutely have the right to put yourself, your children and your marriage first....and if OW doesn't like it, she should have thought of that before having a child by a married man. It's a shitty situation for OC, but also shitty to our kids and us.

storm~ I hope your CS hearing goes as well as it can for you. stronger~ I hope OW lapses on the paperwork.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Storm - I thought I posted a response but I guess my phone didn't upload it. Sparkle hit the nail on the head when she said

if OW doesn't like it, she should have thought of that before having a child by a married man. It's a shitty situation for OC, but also shitty to our kids and us.

If you read back a few pages my story is in this thread and H has decided NC is best for many reasons - although the OW has TRIED to force involvement it hasn't worked. Is it selfish? Maybe. But is it selfish that these two idiots were so careless with their affair that she got pregnant? Absolutely. I'm doing what's best for MY children and not worrying about anything else. I did tell my H that if he wanted contact I wouldn't stop it, but, I'm (not so) secretly glad he's chosen NC. Is it unfair to OC? unfortunately, yes. But honestly, my children are my only concern and don't feel I need to explain myself to anyone. I hope whatever decision you make (C or NC) is the best decision for you...don't let anyone else's opinion influence yours, you have to live this life.

((HUGS)) I hope the CS hearing goes in your favour.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:33 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All,
Thanks again for the support. I felt so much better after reading your posts. I was unable to go as one child was sick and I had to drop the other off at school. H went to hearing without me. His best friend went with him for support ans so he would have a witness as to what happened. H said they did not even ask for all the things they listed for him to bring. Just crazy. At first he had one case worker who he said was rude and nasty...then another woman came and took all his documentation. The other woman yelled that his payment was 20% but his case worker ignored her and just looked at the documentation we provided of our income and what we spend. So we will have to wait and see what they say. Hopefully all goes well. If not I already know how to protect myself and the girls.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this thread. My H's AP is just over 6 months pregnant. My H is 44, she's 22. We moved out of province to remove ourselves from any possibility of contact, and to work on healing our marriage. Obviously, he's 100% responsible for his choices in this, but I know for a fact that she pursued him knowing full well that he was married. I believe she got pregnant on purpose so that she could have an income, just like her own mom did. I am beside myself trying to decide how to handle this within myself. My H says he will do whatever I ask, since I am the wife and I am the injured party. I want him to provide for the child, I believe that child has a right to know it's father. BUT. That woman CHOSE this, and she chose to have unprotected sex with a married man, and I don't know why I should be considering how her child will grow up with a father, when she clearly did not think it was important.

She has proven that she is willing to act as a threat to my marriage, to the home and security of my children. She has proven that she will not show any regard for the harm that she causes to innocent people. I cannot, will not have her in my life or in the lives of my children in any way.

I am thinking that this is going to have to be an all or nothing kind of thing. Obviously, child support will be paid. But either it has to be absolute NC with OW/OC, or we try to get full custody of the child. I can't even imagine how we would explain to our children that they had a sibling that they could not know or love, or explain how their father could disown his own child. I can think of it like giving it up for adoption, but I don't know if our children will understand that.

Has anyone in this situation tried to get full custody of the OC? Is that even realistic, and what would that end up looking like for our family? There is no win/win here, and I am trying to minimize the psychological damage to myself and to my children.

My husband and I are in R. Our marriage is as strong as you could expect in light of all of this, but we are at least healthier than we were before and moving in a good direction.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can think of it like giving it up for adoption, but I don't know if our children will understand that.

This is how we thought of it. OW (whom got pregnant on purpose) had many choices from the very beginning regarding the pregnancy.

1) Whether or not to take the birth control pills she had told FWH she was on.

2) Whether or not to take the Plan B pill she promised FWH she would take (because he didn't wear a condom, because, as she told me, she "never used condoms because they don't feel good inside her body". )

3) Whether to continue the pregnancy, or abort the child.

4) Whether to keep the child, or give it up for adoption.

5) Still has the choice everyday to keep the child, or give OC to us, a family member, etc.

FWH had one choice.

1) Wear a condom.

Everything else was decided for him.

The way he explained it to me was that being NC with OC (or having C) was the only choice that he got to make. He chose NC.

6 years out, and OC is now being adopted by OW's new H (also once a WS, when he met OW).

As far as getting full custody, highly unlikely. First, you will need a dna test. FWH demanded the test as soon as he was served CS papers, shortly after birth. OC was 6 months old when we got the test, 9 months old when we got the results.

My brother is currently going through the same thing (not an OC, but questionable paternity). He has been told from the attorney that by the time paternity is established, the child will be bonded by the mother, and the court will undoubtedly award him the very minimum parenting time, on a "getting to know the child" basis.

Unless the baby is born with addiction issues, I don't believe it is likely at all, which is sad.

Sorry you're going through this.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2333 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We got full custody. Hell I even adopted OC but ours was a different case neglect and all.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plainpain~ My H petitioned for joint custody back in 2005 (before the OC was school-aged) and it came pretty close to that....two days a week after a 3 month "phase-in" period. The problem is that the original order never specified times or days, just left it "up to the parents", so of course OW seized every opportunity to argue for OC not to visit. A handful of modifications later, it is now two weekends per month, and OW's boyfriend gets to live with the child every day. The courts say they do not favor either parent...I'm not buying it. Unless you have solid proof of serious abuse or neglect, (or the father can afford a great attorney) most courts still deem the mother to be the custodial parent.

A big part of the reason my H and I decided to have contact was the same thing you said...we didn't want our kids to just find out they had a half-brother. But I had also, naively, hoped that the OW's negative behaviors would lessen over time and that she could be maturely reasoned with. I was mistaken. Now I am in the mindframe of " 6 more years of this mess..." (9 if she gets things as she threatened).

You mentioned that the OW in your case has already proven to act in the same manner. It is a tough battle either way, and it is good to hear that you have a strong united front. I wish you all the best in whatever you choose.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plain~ I forgot to mention in my last post.....the most important thing in your case is to have positive paternity first. More than one OW has lied about the possibility of other potential fathers. I'm not sure how this would be handled in Canada, but when OW filed against my H, he was given an Acknowledgement of Paternity form to sign. He did not acknowledge paternity, and then a test was ordered.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to consider what is best for all innocent parties in the short term and in the long term. By innocent parties, I mean myself, my children, and the baby-in-waiting. As far as long term damage to my children, I am feeling that it may be better to go NC. I think it will be easier to open the door to visitation at some future point than it will be to remove the child from our lives if the OW becomes a problem in our lives - which I am almost guaranteed that she will. I don't want my kids to see her, I don't want them to see what their father thought was more important than their security, their respect, the life, health and well-being of their mother... I don't want them to know anything about her at all. Right now, she's not an actual person in their minds. The fact that she is half my age really gets to me in this, because I am actually terrified that my KIDS will think she's prettier than me, more fun than me, whatever, and that they will think their dad had an A with her because she was so great. I have forgiven so many things I never thought I could forgive. But if my children ever look at her, compare us, and think she is the better woman, I will never, ever, ever forgive my H for that.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
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