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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW sent H random facebook messege. The one yesterday asked if her was up? The one today said could she ask him a question. The majority of the texts I read were like this.. Weird and freaking random. He has not replied to them. This is a huge trigger for me. I had a mini anxiety attack and the shaking started all over again. How do you get over this...Just want to throw up


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

storm~ sounds like OW is fishing. If your H is going to go NC, he should remove her from his Facebook. He can send her a No Contact Agreement, making it clear that she is no longer allowed to call or message him, and if any correspondence concerning OC needs to be sent, it will be done officially. If she then continues to try to make contact, report it.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and OW are not facebook friends. She just sent him a private message and then 2 more after that. I will give him the information and see what happens. He said she has been doing this for a while. It is just sad that you would do this to yourself and a child instead of working on your issues as a woman and finding a H of your own.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree so much with other posters who say that they feel they have lost the narrative of their own lives to the A. What is killing me today is realizing that there is a whole new narrative that is going to be told about my life by a person who doesn't have a clue who I am. Thinking about what OW is going to tell the OC about my husband, about me, about our family.. about their little 'forbidden romance'.. in an attempt to let the child know that they were not a 'mistake'.

I read the words 'Love Child' today, and I just about hurled. Why does everything about this make me want to vomit? Obviously, babies are innocent. Obviously, no child should ever enter this world believing for one second that they should not have been born. I did not choose that. I made a conscious, deliberate choice to get married and to give my children a daddy, and I chose to give them all the same father, and that is not a judgment, it is just a fact. That's what I chose. And now that choice, the family security and stability that I never had and wanted so badly for them, has been blasted all to hell because their father did not feel that it was important enough to protect.

OC will certainly be a LOVED CHILD, but it is not a 'LOVE CHILD'. Adultery is ugly. MY H never loved the OW. He said she was a living, breathing blow-up doll with a pull-string that said, 'You're amazing. You're amazing. You're amazing'. That doesn't make me think highly of him, and it doesn't make me feel better about any of it.

So now to protect an innocent child from being emotionally damaged, a new narrative for their life has to be spun.. one that will certainly not include how OW walked knowingly and deliberately into the middle of a marriage, and had unprotected sex in her most fertile years with a man who was not remotely available to her. She'll probably even do the whole, 'I didn't know he was married' thing. Yes, yes you did know he was married.

I think that is what I hate most of all out of this whole thing. I hate, hate, hate that we live in a culture where there are so many children without fathers. I believe with all my heart that fathers need to accept and give love to their children. And I am sitting here knowing that I am pretty much the only thing standing in the way of that baby having a 'daddy'. How did I end up as the villain in this story? I feel like I'm in the movie 'Seven', and I am just discovering for myself what my mortal sin is. Jealousy.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tired05
♀ Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe with all my heart that fathers need to accept and give love to their children. And I am sitting here knowing that I am pretty much the only thing standing in the way of that baby having a 'daddy'. How did I end up as the villain in this story? I feel like I'm in the movie 'Seven', and I am just discovering for myself what my mortal sin is. Jealousy.

You touched my soul with that quote. I feel like exact same way. Why do I feel like the bad guy in all of this mess?


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Planpain - I feel the same way. She (ow) has spun this whole victim act when it was HER who actively pursued an unavailable man. I know WH has his role but hell we''re not talking about him right now. SHE was sleeping with her h and my h at the same time. SHE got preggers and tried to pin it on her h..then when it blew up her face she felt she had the right to my h and destroy the lives of my children. Fuck her. I''m not the bad guy. I just got caught in the ugliness and aftermath of an affair that created an OC.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 8:26 PM, October 25th, 2013 (Friday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refuse to be the bad guy. Did I make these bad choices...nope...they did. For the moment I need to choose between my children and her child. I choose mine. I find it very funny that OW has not told people who her child's father is. They have many mutual childhood friends and so far only one knows and he was pretty pissed. She pretends to be a woman of god and has all these religious quotes on her FB. I guess she forgot the commandments that deal with adultery and coveting.
Plainpain you are not a villain and neither am I. The truth always comes out, regardless of what she tells this child. By the time the OC is 18 they will know their mother better than anyone else and know exactly what she is capable of. In my case the OW works with troubled and at risk youth. She knew exactly what she was setting my children up for and her own. I understand the pain of not growing up with a father as I did not grow up with mine. The OW has shown exactly who she is and I chose to believe her. She is a threat to my marriage and more importantly my children's well being. There are not a bunch a great choices here so I am doing whats best for my kids...period..the end.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

storm~ sorry if there was any confusion in my posts....I am the BW. I'm not 100% sure on this, but I think if a block is put on someone on Facebook, they won't even be able to send a private message. The problem with just ignoring OW is that they tend to think that they just need to amp up their efforts or try other tactics. A No Contact Agreement leaves no question.

I don't feel like the villain in this situation...I didn't choose for it to happen. Maybe a big part of it too is that OW is and has always been bent on making sure that OC has a father figure in his life.....just as long as it isn't his biological father. She has made it clear that she would love for OC to have no contact with us....she just wants support. I feel that makes her the villain.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle,
I am sure I sound like a angry crazy lady. I am going to tell husband to write he NC letter and see what happens. He is fence sitting about NC with the OC.
I told him how I felt and if he can not do this for our marriage for at least a small period of time then I have some decisions to make.

I am infuriated at the prospect that the BS are feeling so much guilt over something none of us had a say in. We are all in a Catch 22. I want to hit something...need to join a boxing club.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is a threat to my marriage, if only because of the stress added. She has demonstrated that she does not mind at all being a threat - in fact, she prefers it. She is a danger to my family - my marriage and my children's well-being. I am circling the wagons, and she and OC are just not in the circle. Maybe that will change in a few years, but for now I just can't do it. It's too soon since the A.. she's still pregnant, for pities sake.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally good news:

OW finally got the final paperwork ACTUALLY notarized (as in, STAMPED by a notary, not just signed by a random person).

It has been filed with the courts. Now we just have to wait for the courts to process it (and no one has to appear, luckily, not that I wouldn't enjoy strutting my stuff in front of that sow).


Sorry to see so many new people here, and so many people hurting.

Storm, your FWH's Facebook should have OW blocked, if it isn't deactivated completely.

Plainpain, I have been following your situation from the beginning. I am so sorry. My FWH also had a 20 yr old OW, but she was actually hooked on my FWH, and sadly enough was willing to support HIM (while he supported me financially).

As far as this:

I am infuriated at the prospect that the BS are feeling so much guilt over something none of us had a say in.

I often swear I have felt more guilt over FWH choosing NC than he ever has. I don't know if that's our burden as Betrayed Spouses or our burden as women. But we need to figure out a way to stop feeling that guilt. It is not ours to bear.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2309 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often swear I have felt more guilt over FWH choosing NC than he ever has. I don't know if that's our burden as Betrayed Spouses or our burden as women. But we need to figure out a way to stop feeling that guilt. It is not ours to bear.

This exactly. As a mother my heart goes out to OC...I can't imagine watching a child want a father and the father not reciprocating at all. However, I chose to form a relationship with a single man, and have children with him. I did not choose to have a sleezy affair, which resulted in a child. Sorry if it's harsh, but, it's true.

Want2help - so happy OW got her shit together - hopefully the court won't drag their feet on processing this for too long.

On my end - OW has until Monday to serve H...if she doesn't H's paperwork will be the only one the court looks at. I don't want to jinx this by talking about it, but I'm hoping on hope and praying everyday that this b*tch doesn't bother!!! In the beginning I KNEW she only took H to court because he pissed her off pure and simple. She wanted a relationship and someone to help raise her son and her 3 other kids when her own H ditched her. She tries to make it seem like it's about the child but after reading her facebook messages to H and myself (we've now deleted our accounts) I realized it's all about her and her pain. She's a broken, pathetic woman. On our 1st courtdate she showed up and looked stunned we were together. I guess after telling me my h was "disgusting" and that I "was a great woman that deserved better" she thought I would've run. Nope. Together or not that sow will never know anything other then we're happy, happy, happy.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:27 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QUESTION. I tried posting this on Reconciliation, but didn't get any responses.

I am satisfied that OW did not mean anything to my H. He is devastated by what he did. Still, it was a LTA (1 year EA/PA; had sex 5-7 times). Because he is a KISA, I am very concerned that OW having his baby will cause him to have an affection for her that was never there before. Like, a tender spot for her. I have reconciled myself to the knowledge that he will never actually hate her or be grossed out by her complete lack of standards, human decency or self-respect.

Just wondering if this is a rational, reasonable fear, or am I just worrying for nothing? Assuming OW hasn't been a complete cankle-head to him, how does your H feel about the OW since the birth of OC? Does he feel protective of her?


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainpain- I don't know what KISA means but I think ur fears r reasonable. She's no longer the OW but a mother of his child and it could lead him to view her in a different light.

As for me? My h didn't know about oc until this year (he was born in 06 - it's a long story but it's in the thread) my h hates the OW and went nc with both ow and oc

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 5:23 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KISA - Knight in shining armor

I feel like I am living my worst nightmare. I don't know how I went from happily married to this place, in less than a year.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I
did not choose to have a sleezy affair, which resulted in a child.

I totally agree, and in many cases (including mine), OW was VERY candid about the fact that she wanted FWH as her "baby daddy".

I am very concerned that OW having his baby will cause him to have an affection for her that was never there before.

I worried about this tremendously. When the A happened, FWH and I did not have any COM.

Still, it did not happen. I don't know if it's the same as women not being particularly fond of the men they get pregnant by, but my FWH has no warm feelings towards OW. This fact may or may not have anything to do with the fact that OW spent years trying to destroy me and our M, as well as humiliate us using the A and OC.

I don't think it will happen, especially if he was not "in luurrve" with her during the A.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2309 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW DID NOT FILE HER PAPERWORK!!!! She had until the end of day Friday (4:30) to file and when h called it was 4:25 and she hadn''t filed. Not sure why she didn''t bother but I don''t care. Now (according to the clerk) the judge will ONLY review h''s docs. She said the judge will assume she doesn't want or need support if she couldn't be bothered to file.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:49 AM, November 2nd, 2013 (Saturday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW DID NOT FILE HER PAPERWORK!!!!

AWESOME!!!!

I am so happy for you!!!

OW in our case did this, also, when she was going after FWH for CS. She wanted him to pay her childcare costs (which he is legally obligated to in our state).

She had months to submit them before the hearing and did not.

During the hearing, the judge gave her another 72 hours to submit proof of the costs she was claiming and she STILL didn't. Well, it turned out, her soon-to-be H was the one "providing daycare" for OC. So, she would have had us paying her boyfriend for watching OC!

SOOOO glad she didn't submit it. Screw her.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2309 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am happy for those of you who received good news this week.
Plainpain,
I understand how you feel completely. H and OW were childhood friends and have known one another longer than H and I have.(H and I have been together since 1996).
Right now I just do not know what I want to do and what is best for my girls. Number one goal is finding a job of any kind. Need to get out of this house and do something that does not revolve around my kids or H.
How long did it take everyone to get to place where they did not cry at mention of OC? I need a little glimmer of hope that I will find the light in this sea of darkness.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger & Want2 ~ so glad to see the good news in your cases!

storm~ You have every right to be angry, and you don't sound crazy at all.

I wasn't on much last week because things were really hectic around here. I forget if I've mentioned that we have another court hearing over the CS 2 weeks before Christmas. We got a paper we have never seen before saying that if we want to use evidence for the hearing, we have 20 days before the hearing date to send copies to the OW. So we will be taking care of that this week.

I completely understand the worry about fwH having some kind of feelings for OW. But in our case, I know it is possible for fwH to hate and have negative feelings about her. He came out of The Fog and woke up to the fact that she is a nasty, selfish manipulator (among many other things).


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
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