I completely understand the worry about fwH having some kind of feelings for OW. But in our case, I know it is possible for fwH to hate and have negative feelings about her. He came out of The Fog and woke up to the fact that she is a nasty, selfish manipulator (among many other things).
This exactly. I've said this before but OW is so good at crying and playing the victim role. But..when you actually piece her stories together nothing fits. She lies so much I wonder if she even knows what the truth is. She's a lying, manipulative, vindictive, spiteful bitch. But, we'll soon not have to worry about her (court case was pushed up to next week!) and can move on with our lives. Whether this means R or not...at least she'll be gone.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
And to be straight, my kids were TRAMAUTIZED after the stunt she pulled so yes, I did say that. BUT I also told her, if my children want a relationship with her son, it’s up to their father to facilitate, not her. I’m too tired for this and don’t think I can handle it. I’m done.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:11 AM, November 14th, 2013 (Thursday)]
I don't have words for this. I am so very, very sorry.
My H and I were just talking last night about what we will do when OC is born (December/January). We haven't made a decision on to what degree we will be involved, although it seems that neither of us can imagine complete NC. In an ideal world, with all adults behaving honorably and truthfully, it looks like it should work 'on paper' for some kind of shared custody/visitation. But I am realizing these are HUUUUUUGE assumptions to make. OW cannot be expected to behave honorably or truthfully. I am terrified of having visitation, sending OC back to OW, and getting a call from CFS saying we have been accused of abusing OC, or whatever. "OC has a very bad rash that wasn't there before he went to WH's house". "BW is undermining my relationship with my child". "WH/BW's children are mean to OC". A million possible lies and fabrications.
If you could go back - give me any advice - what can I do?? I don't want to lose my marriage to this. We are doing so very well - but I don't know how to move forward from here if paternity tests come back that WH is the babydaddy. You are living my nightmare. My heart breaks for you.
I completely understand your thought process. I am a person who wants to fix things and clean up things. Usually I would just jump in to make things move and try to make thing comfortable for everyone else. I just decided to make different choices. I am now at the top of my list. The only person before me on that list is God. Husband, his OC are dead last. Harsh but I think I have to value myself more and worry alot less about how everyone else feels all the time. I worry about all kinds of make believe situations and have to remind myself not to waste time on them. I focus on what I can control. I have printed out all the conversation on facebook between H and OW. I am also going to keep a journal for not only my children but OC as well. If she ever comes looking for them I want them all to know the truth. So far I am the only one being honest so it will have to come from me.
Kids have lots of questions.
My DD(10yo) asked about the situation again the other day in the car. She asked how old she was and a few other questions. I told her the OC name, age, and birthday. I then asked if she had changed her mind and wanted to see OC. Her response was "she is 2 and terrible that isn't going to be fun". She then said...to have a baby don't people have to have sex. I said yes. She said.."so dad had sex with another lady". Again I confirmed this information. She then said "ok" and went back to drawing. All I thought was I will have the same conversation later with my DD who is now 3.
All I have to say is this sucks. At least 10DD made me laugh with her terrible two comment. Still just trying to figure all this out and do not have an real answers.
OW cannot be expected to behave honorably or truthfully.
This. My H HATES the OW. Hence the outburst at court. However, my advice? Do whatever makes your marriage work. My H has gone no contact (BUT, this is easier for him because this child is 8 and he only met/knew of him this year).
My advice? Stand by H's side, so OW has no idea whether ur marriage is shakey. My anger is reserved for H, my IC and of course, SI. I held his hand through the whole thing. But I'm not going to lie. It's a nightmare and it's tough. Like you said, on paper it looks like it can work. But accepting even the idea of an OC is hard. Your pain will get worse once OC is here and a reality. Deal with your pain. Don't try to hide or put on a brave face (I tried and dissolved in a mess of tears while driving and listening to Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"). Seek IC or MC to deal with this. As for the lies she might tell CFSA - they see spiteful shit all the time and can usually decipher bullshit from the truth. And if she tell's lies, it's in her nature, she's a lying whore. So don't be surprised either. All you can do is put up a strong front - don't let her see you nervous, angry or upset. If your OW is anything like mine, they eat that shit up.
STORM - thanks for the prayers. this situation is in God's hands and prayer is all H and I have.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:50 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]
And I, too, go over every possible scenario in my mind. I imagine conversations, I imagine 3:00 in the morning emergency phone calls to go see OC in the hospital, I imagine my children thinking OW is more beautiful than me and wishing she was their mother. And then I get so filled with anger that THIS is my life, when all I did was keep my vows. How is it that SHE gets the blessing of a child, and I get devastation upon devastation, and endless humiliation? There's no 'fair' in 'affair'.
I am right now trying to do what is best for me, for my marriage and for my children - the order of that seems to switch from day to day. My H and I agreed last night that our children would be devastated to think that they had a sibling out there, and that their father chose to abandon it. Knowing who they are, it would be traumatic for them and I think psychologically damaging. But maybe not. Maybe they would love me enough to try to understand. Maybe they would accept it if we just said, 'When OC is old enough to make that decision, we will welcome him/her with open arms. But we cannot have OW in our life if we want to have a healthy family.' I don't know. If I thought we could have full custody, I would take that. If she died, I would take that baby and embrace it. Every single one of my children has made a comment over the last month about wanting another sibling. It cuts like a razor across my heart, but I know they would be happy to have a sibling. And then I just feel like, 'How did I get to be on the outside of this family?' Their dad and they have another blood relative - someone that is a part of them. OW is as connected to my children now, as I am to hers. When I think like that, I just want to die... and from creeping her facebook, I know that she is perfectly giddy about the whole thing.
My H was abandoned by his birth father, and he subsequently grew up in the abusive shit storm that was his family. I think that's all coming to his mind now, too.
Anyway, I guess it's just another one of those famous bridges that can't be crossed until I get to it. Maybe it's not even his baby. Maybe she'll get hit by a car on the way to the hospital. Maybe one of my prayers will be answered with a 'yes'.
What do you think it means, that she has blocked me from finding her on FB? She even changed her name. We are in NC with her, but I told her that I would find her on FB after the baby's due date to get a paternity test done, and that we would get a lawyer to work out custody and/or child support. So why would she block me, and then post the ultrasound as her profile pic? I'm not sure what she thinks she has to hide.
As to facebook lets hope OW blocked you because it is not your husband's child! There may be lots of reason she blocked. She may be freaked out that you know. Perhaps the fact that you are checking out her story is making what she did real. Even more so than the child she is carrying. I don't know if you ever met this woman but she may be afraid of you. My WH says other woman is afraid of me(she should be!) We have met one time after their affair and she had a attitude..with me. You would not be the first or the last BS to open a can of you know what on AP. I am not a violent person but it be dishonest of me not to admit that I have had those feeling towards her. In your case OW may also be afraid that you could post what she has done on her page for all her family and friends to read. You have no idea what she has told people about this whole situation. Only one of their mutual friends knows about this. It is a man. Their female friends would lose it and probably beat her up over this. People even close friends and family have strong feelings about infidelity, especially the OW. I would not focus to much on why she blocked you. Could be any reason.
As to demanding NC I told WH he could whatever he wanted. I said at this time any contact you have with OC and OW is not helping our marriage but it is up to you. OW asked for coat and clothes. My H then wanted to going "shopping" for the girls. To say I was pissed is a understatement. He can get his OC stuff on his own time, not when we have to explain..why do we have 3 coats and the smallest is not for DD3? At some point he realized this and got it later. WH and I are not in the best place right now. I asked if they were all friendly because he feared what she could do financially? He did not answer just rolled his eyes. He is still in stupid pity party mode. I will be a united force with H in front of OW but I just do not know where this is going. He has a lot and I mean a lot more work to do. He has not proved that I and this family come first. Between me and the OW I can do a lot more damage. I think he assumes I would never be so mean. He keeps walking about the house saying I am a angel...well the devil was once a angel so he and OW may want to watch out. I just keep praying for my little family and for everyone else going through this. I try to live each day so my girls will be proud of me and that I show them how to be a real woman and not some broken thing that people can use and abuse.
stronger~ I am so sorry to hear how the hearing went *hugs* After what you were told about how she had a specific time limit for the paperwork, they should not have put it through. It sucks so bad when the courts seem to bend the rules and favor OW. I wish I could tell you that your fwH could fight against the court-ordered DNA test, and it might be worth a try, but most times the courts don't like to acknowledge personal paternity tests. However (despite OWs sob-story), no one can force your fwH to have contact, especially not a support officer/judge. OW should have been shushed the moment she started in with that. *smh*
To all~ if you haven't read the OC handbook on here, I suggest you do....lots of helpful tips for the most common thoughts and questions in OC situations, whether you choose C or NC. I can share my experiences with having C~ definitely be prepared for antics from the OW. One of the best rules of thumbs is to document. Any e-mails, messages, calls etc. Have as much evidence as possible at the ready in case things do go south. That way, if OW does come forward with accusations, you have evidence to prove your case.
I, too, found that OW had blocked me from her Facebook....because we have several mutual friends, and one of my closest friends told me that OW runs her mouth about H and I on her page. So, of course, she doesn't want me to see that and post any comments that would go against her version of things. So I did post our story on the SAH site.
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
As far as:
no one can force your fwH to have contact, especially not a support officer/judge. OW should have been shushed the moment she started in with that.
She DEFINITELY should have been shushed. It's an outrage that she didn't! When my FWH's OW/babymama started in on that shit during a CS hearing (conducted over the phone), she was immediately told to stop, as FWH's lack of visitation had been noted (you get a credit for having overnights) and anything else had NO bearing on the case. It is nothing but a ploy for sympathy.
I'm also really for you, storm, and the way your husband is behaving. Totally unfair to you, but I am glad that you realize that he is not doing what he needs to be doing to prove that you come first. So many people make excuses for their spouse.
We got a letter from our attorney recently letting us know that the state's paperwork filing fee had increased, and that she had written a personal check to cover the increase when she filed the adoption paperwork, and would we please send her a check to reimburse her?
That was like, 2 weeks ago. I saw the check my FWH still tacked to the "to do" board today and I was pissed (he reminded me that we were out of stamps, but come on, go buy some!). I asked him "Is there some part of you that subconsciously DOESN'T want this adoption to happen?"
He did not say a word or even change out of his pajamas (very, VERY unlike him, he never leaves the house in nightclothes). He got his shoes on, went to the store, bought stamps, came home, addressed the letter, told me he loved me and that he was leaving to the Post Office in hopes it would get to the attorney more quickly.
I am secretly please, because that is what I think a remorseful WS looks like. He found out him not sending the check was hurting me, and he sent the damned check.
I've had no more contact from OW, thank goodness. No Facebook messages or anything. Talk about triggers, logging on to Facebook and seeing a message from her:
However, in the future, I would not call her on her "attitude". Just ignore it, as if her and her pettiness are beneath you (because let's face it, she is).
Also, I am sorry I don't remember, but how old is OC?
I understand the feelings you described wondering what you could have done different so that he wouldn't have betrayed you. Reading the articles and other forums and threads here helped me to understand that my H's betrayal was not my fault. Even if there were things about me and our marriage that H would have liked to change, it was still his choice to lie and cheat instead of being honest.
There are also articles and WSs here that can explain to you about The Fog and going 180. Whatever happens, I wish you all happiness *hugs*
Here's what I've been wondering about... does OW ever try to get WH to come back to her? I mean, I'm guessing that's a big 'yes' in the beginning. But what about four/five years down the road? Is the standing in the doorway at drop off/pick up time in her underwear, trying to seduce him again?
does OW ever try to get WH to come back to her?
Not the one that we deal with. She lives with her boyfriend and she wants to marry him. She was also married twice since the time of the A. I think the main reason she still tries to speak with my H is to try to get a reaction out of us, and she's mad that we didn't get divorced like she did.
I'm so tired of preparing for this hearing next month, it's been giving me bad migraines. I really hope that the judge will rule in our favor. The evidence is there, it seems like we have a solid case, but I've learned not to put any faith into the "family" court system...at least not in this state.
I wish you all the luck with your hearing. I am saying a prayer for you.
Want - I agree - she should have been shushed the judge softened and started to side with her (I could tell) she said, "This is very sad for your son and you." I don't think the judge even read the case history notes - and if she did then she's a bitch. How's it hard for OW? All OW had to do to stay out of this situation was remain faithful to her own H.
AND>> What about the 3 lives (my kids) she turned upside down by showing up at my door? What about my oldest who cries to me that she's confused and doesn't understand why or how this could happen?????
It cracks me up that they pretend to be the victims here. I pray daily not to put her picture and text messages on that Shes A Homewrecker Website.
I've learned not to put any faith into the "family" court system...at least not in this state.
Sparkle I feel the same way - and it's not just in your state I think family court is FUCKED regardless of where you live.
My FWH keeps begging me to stay - I don't know if I can. I love him so much, but I'm still angry and hurt and have crying jags. How can he have a child with another? How did he add to our family without my permission - now he has a child and my children have a sibling I have no connection to... he's fine with remaining NC, but it doesn't make the child's existence less real. I'm torn and depressed...Is there really a light at the end of tunnel?
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:21 AM, November 18th (Monday)]
That is EXACTLY how I feel. I am soooooo angry sometimes. I just want to scream out, 'Why???? What did I do, except love you?' Having to live with the gossip, the humiliation, the 'she didn't know how to take care of her husband', is bad enough. Having to discover that I married a stranger, that my entire marriage has been a lie, that the last 18 years of my life have been a waste of my youth, is bad enough. My whole entire future has been altered, and the lives of my children - we had a family, and he made a new one that doesn't include me. I will never, ever, ever feel safe or secure again.
The thought of Father's Day makes me want to vomit. Whenever my H talks about our kids, he says, 'My babies'... and now whenever he says that I just wince. Which 'babies' is he talking about? Is he including OC in that?
We love each other, and I know we could have a complete R and a happy marriage - but I honestly don't know if I can live with the fact that he had a child with another woman. In the end,it might actually be a deal-breaker.
Sparkle - sending you lots of luck for next month - someone in this thread deserves good news!