There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's hard to see it in the first few years after discovery of OC. Counseling, this site, relaxation techniques can help you manage thoughts and emotions, but R is your decision. There were my personal thoughts on it~ since OC was born, that became a fact of life whether we had divorced or not. H would still have to pay support, OW would still try to contact him (moreso if she knew she didn't have to deal with my presence), and we'd have to figure out custody/visitation with our children. I thought about my feelings for H, and I couldn't see myself starting all over with somebody else. If anybody has seen the movie "The Money Pit", there's a quote in there that stuck with us that says something like, "As long as you have the foundation, everything else can be fixed." I'm not saying R is for everyone, but this is some of what helped me get through those tumultuous, confusing years. Wishing the best for you all!
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
It is encouraging to know that people do survive this. I think I am still traumatized by the whole thing. I'm still processing the A, the discovery that my H was not at all the man that I thought he was, that the last 20 years of my life and my entire marriage have been based on a lie. I am still reeling from the humiliation, the jealousy, the blow to my self-esteem, the violation of my body, the betrayal of our love, our family, our children... and now I have to put all those emotions on the back-burner so that I can think about how I am going to keep myself together for my children.
This makes me angry, too - knowing that now my kids have a mother who is living with trauma, distracted, absorbed with pain, who never laughs - and they will look at OW and compare us, just like my H did. And she will look soooooo much better than me, because she is young. That's it. That's all she has going for her. She's young. But apparently that's really the only quality that is of value these days.
Storm, I agree - sometimes I wish I had been punched in the face. Nobody says, 'Wow, you must have not been taking care of your husband properly' to a battered woman. It's such an indignity - it is absolutely abuse, on every level. I'm sorry your H is still blame-shifting. It's like they try to take your knees out from under you - make you feel like you don't really know the things you know.
My WH's OW is claiming (not confirmed directly by reliable source) to be very barely (around 7 weeks) pregnant. She is a 21 yo girl who used to watch our kids a couple years ago. I work in a regional position for my company so a couple weekends a month I am out at a different site. At the time my H also had a tough work schedule and travel days. Well a couple months into her watching our children during the day while my H was working, they began an A. After DDay it supposedly stopped. Well, obviously not. According to WH, OW hasn't decided wether or not to keep the baby, so I am waiting to find out just what kind of hell my H just signed our family up for behind my back. I feel scared and pretty helpless. At this point with the way my WH has been acting it seems like we're headed to D... but even if that is the case it is a long road. And in the near future I don't see him leaving the house because financially and for the kids we really need to stick together.
Happy to have found this place for support and guidance. Thanks to all.
She then called again to make sure he got the message and they spoke after he dropped our DD3 off at school. He had also talked to her while I sitting on the couch watching tv..he never said anything...but I saw the information on the phone. I was furious that he just sat there and did not tell me he was talking to her.
I asked what they talked about and he left things out and then when I asked again he included some additional details. I tried to let him know this was hurtful...WH just got mad and said why did we have to keep talking about it. I told him we didn't have to as I could just go out and did what he did to me and then we would be even.(I did not use nice words to say this). I left the house and the did not talk to him for 2 days. Get a text where he says he told her not to contact him and he would not be contacting her. I verified on fb. I just told him..K and nothing more. OW sent him 3 more messages and then nothing. All has been quiet.
My house is silent...including WH....I am loving the silence. Just talking to DD10 and DD3. Went for nature walk on the lake with 3yo. Had a all around wonderful day. I am enjoying all this while it lasts.
I guess you could say that we have limited contact with the OW in our case. If she ever calls, I answer or H puts her on speakerphone so we both can hear. I have fwH's passwords, and he shows me every text and e-mail. Ever since the harassment, he is very clear that she is not to talk about me or COM, and he will politely but bluntly tell her when she starts getting personal or crossing the line. He now keeps contact as strictly business-like as possible.
Even if they don't actively pursue your H, many OWs with OC like to have that "in" with your spouse by trying to bond over OC. Anything that makes you uncomfortable, don't hesitate to tell your H. You decide what you will tolerate. I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful day :) I hope things continue that way.
I think many men are clueless on how women attempt to bond with them. I sent it to my pastor who is also our MC and his response was that it was ok and they are over. I was furious with him all men in general.I thought, maybe only women can see this.
Yes, I think that is very true. When my H was coming out of the fog, we had a lot of conversations about things she had done and said during the A. He told me she really respected him, listened to him, that she thought he was very wise - that she ate up everything he said. They even talked about God. I was trying to prepare him for what I thought her next move was going to be, in her attempts to get him back. I said, 'Next thing she'll do is call you and tell you that's she's found God, and she wants your forgiveness'. He said, 'Well, she's already started going to church'. I just looked at him. After a minute, he said, 'Do you think she was just saying that?'
I literally gave him a play by play of how I figured the relationship happened, what she did, what she said, and he basically said, yes, yes, yes to everything. He was pretty stunned after the fog lifted - felt very, very stupid, and like he had walked straight into a trap. He figured she had been stalking him for weeks before she ever made her first move - that's why they kept 'bumping into each other'. Duh.
One of the best things he said to me after, was, 'I will trust you from now on. I trust your instincts. If you say somebody is 'trouble', I will just believe you.' He's been true to that word - I can spot a 'man-tracker' from a mile away.
NC lasted all of two days...lol Happy I enjoyed them to the fullest. Spoke to OW this evening. She sent him a text saying it was cold and that she needed the coat???? Can we all say....WHAT!!!
I called her and said you said you had everything. OW then said...No WH is lieing to you and he sent me a text saying he wanted to see OC. I asked her to "do me a favor and send me the text and any others she felt I should see". OW said she didn't feel that it was needed and they did not need to do this to me(Funny how no one was thinking of me while they were f#$%ing). I let her know I see all his text messages, fb, and emails. I asked if she sent WH text to bring her wine. OW said yes and that since he was bringing OC stuff she felt he could pick up wine for her on the way. I let her know that any conversation that was not about OC was inappropriate. Also that anytime she contacts him through any of these methods she would be talking to me. I asked for her mothers address and phone so I could go get items and drop them off as I did not want to know where she lived. She kept going back to he contacted her and then said they had not spoken since last October...(I guess when you lie its hard to keep them all straight). OW also said that things had been going on longer than I thought. I let her know that since I only found out in August that is probably correct. She said WH is telling us two different things and telling me lies. I told OW to put her big girl panties on and deal with the situation and stop acting like a victim. The only victims here are the children and as a therapist she knew exactly the damage she/he were doing to all of them. OW said that she did. I let her know I was the only adult in this situation. I said I was not going to curse her out and did not want to fight her as many women would(secretly I want to hit her until she hurts the way I do). I told her I did not know her and the one time I met her she was nasty to me, which didn't make any sense as she had done something to me. OW said this was not true and that she was snappy because she was shocked and taken off guard. I told her , yes..but you were snappy and had a attitude with me. OW said yes she was and then APOLOGIZED...YES APOLOGIZED. I said I accepted her apology. I told her I felt bad that she thought this was all she deserved and worse all that her child deserved. She kept saying I was missing text messages so I told her to send them. OW again declined to do so. She said that OC would be taken care of without our help. I said I was sure that she would be fine as God takes care of children and fools. She is child so all would be well.(He mother is a fool so they both should be fine). I let her know that if she wanted anything dropped off to send her mother address to WH's facebook and I would drop them off. I let her know that I pray for OC and her and told her to have a blessed week. OW said thank you and she would not be contacting WH again. The entire time I spoke to her I used my sweetest..slap sugar voice. I didn't yell or scream at her. I am happy I got to say what I needed regardless of how it was received. I am real...and so are my children. I guess I can not can call her a whore anymore.
Well that is this weeks saga....I guess god was giving me a slight reprieve before the storm. I told WH that if he had anything else he needed to tell me he had better get it out. I said that if something came out later...I would resort to violence to express the pain he has thus far caused me. I mean it!
The sage continues,
OW sent this long message on facebook. I think I am going to post exactly what she wrote in the general forum. End of story is that coat..and other items were purchased and shipped to a JCPenny for her to pick up. Speaking to her let me know she is CRAZY and what a great big dumbass he is as well.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
The baby is due first week of January, and I don't know how I'll even make it through Christmas. I am so scared - I am so sick to my stomach. I look at her, and I just sob... she has my H's baby inside her. I know it's his. She's connected to him forever. The blow-up doll planted herself into his family tree, along side MY children. They took what was sacred and f**ked all over it. I just want to die. How does this pain ever get better?? I'm still dealing with the infidelity - I still can't stop the mind movies.
I know exactly what day she conceived, I know exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was at home, blogging. Blogging about what it means to lay down your life for the person you love. Really. That's what I was doing, while he was f**king her in his office without a condom and putting his baby inside her. I talked to him on the phone that afternoon - he said, 'If you want to come bring me a coffee, I'll make time for you'. It would have been a half-hour drive - we were broke, I barely had enough gas to pick up my kids from school and drive home. I thought about going anyway. But I didn't go. So that lovely romantic phone call from him was just him 'clearing his schedule' so he could f**k her. I am so angry, and so broken.
Please tell me this pain doesn't last forever. Everything feels so black right now. I want to somehow enjoy this last month that we have before OC is born - but I just don't know how. I can't stop crying. All I ever did was love him.