I was thinking about all of you during the holidays and reading, even though I didn't post. Christmas was nice, but on Christmas Eve I noticed our 12 year old was very sullen and moody. I had a heart-to-heart with her, and one of the things upsetting her was that she said OC had told her that "his family at his other house" (aka OW, her boyfriend and two more half-siblings each with a different Dad) said that she is "spoiled" because she got a 3DS last Christmas.
H and I both told her to pay no mind to what him or his other family have to say about our household....they don't live here. And H also talked to OC, hopefully he will not report to OW what their gifts are anymore...it's none of her damn business. Ticks me off that a supposed grown woman would gossip about a child either to or in front of OC. I'm not going to put up with someone, least of all OW, trying to make any of us feel bad for what we give to our kids.
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
He also lied about the pregnancy and the birth to me. I found out when the OC was just over a month old. Ripped my world inside out.
Why is she refusing to let him visit the children?
I am sorry you find yourself here, it feels tiring to have to start so years of child support, etc with a rude ex/ow.
I can deal with the money going out, it's the enmeshment, constant efforts the ex makes to attack our relationship.
My fiance is currently in such a state of upset and anger, he is refusing to talk to almost everyone and chose to take on extra work over the holidays outside of town so he can completely avoid everything.
Ugh I feel for you and Kallieopeia. We've all been cheated on which is an enormous hurt in itself, OC is another horrible layer, and A with an Ex is even more shit on top of that. How confusing for all the children involved! Sending hugs and strength to all.
The teenager is coping okay, it is hard to tell because she doesn't talk very much but she wants to come live with us and has wanted too before her mom even got pregnant. She also wants us to get custody of the twins. He older sister, step-father, and step-father's mother all want us to get custody of them too. Her current soon to be ex-husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago after their last child was born so he knew immediately the babies were not his. Here is the weird thing about the ExW. She has 5 children, the 1st is with her current ex-husband, 2 w/my husband, 3rd with her current ex-husband, and twins with my husband. She can't make up her mind between the two men. I hate her but I am nice to her all the time because of the children. I am constantly thinking about those twins even though I haven't been allowed to meet them yet but my husband and child have. Paternity has been established and we have a lawyer and court case open but it is slow moving. We did a non-legal binding DNA test over the summer (we purchased a DNA test off Amazon) and it was 99.99999% he was the father for both. He then filed a case to establish paternity and get custody. The exW at 1st was going to deny he was the father but then at the last minute didn't so paternity has been legally established but he hasn't been added to their birth certificates yet since the case is still on going I guess. We would like to get him added to the birth certificate asap though so they can be added to his health insurance. Right now they are on state insurance. We also want to get child support calculated and start paying now until custody is determined but she is stalling everything. We want a temporary order for visitation to begin too.
I am now 6.5 years out, and my FWH has NC with OC.
In fact, OW's new H (also a WS when OW hooked up with him), is in the process of adopting OC. It has been done relatively inexpensively (we are paying all expenses).
Sorry that you're here, but glad that you found us.
fullofhurt, I also feel for you and Kalli. I am a "second wife" (often called the "new wife", even though we've been together longer than FWH and his XW were). I cannot stand the XW. She is a disgusting human being, and if she had been the OW, it would add a whole new element of pain.
Instead, XW took it upon herself to befriend OW after FWH dumped her. They are now BFFs.
I hope this new year brings some healing and closure for everyone.
So, not really sure how to proceed from here. Is it possible she just wants to raise the baby alone, and not have to deal with custody/visitation worries? Or are we going to get a letter from a lawyer in the mail at some point? Not that I want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I actually am pissed off that she would think she can just ignore my husband when he wants to know if it's his child or not. So she gets to tell everyone he is a deadbeat... or else he fights for the right to pay child support... which just pisses me off. Seriously. I don't know what my brain is doing. What I want to do is put the fear into her that we want to fight for custody... but the truth is, we both want NC for the indefinite future.
I don't know what to do.
((plainpain)) The OW in our case used to mainly ignore communication about and contact with OC. She said we couldn't get a paternity test until the one on the first guy she named as the father was done, then after that came back negative, she said that she didn't know what she wanted to do but she wouldn't pay towards a test and she wanted her second husband to adopt OC. Then just before OC's second birthday she said she was filing for support. H then filed for custody in 2005, because would only bring OC to visit a few times a year for a couple hours at most. Then she said she wouldn't do that any longer, if H wanted to see OC then he should go to her place WITHOUT me or our kids...hell no, that was not going to happen.
The best advice I can give is to be prepared for anything...start saving what you can in case she does file for support. It is rare (though certainly possible) that OW will be willing to forego court-ordered support payments. The reason it is good to start saving money for that is that OW can ask for and/or receive retroactive support. OW wanted retroactivity to OC's birth, which would have meant 2 years of money on top of the ordered monthly payment. Fortunately we were able to fight against that because of how she filed against the other guy, but I have heard many other cases where the court will grant retroactivity.
As for knowing paternity, I can definitely empathize with how it feels to have OW play the waiting game on you and control what happens. If you and your H decide that you are okay with contact, he could try notifying her that he would like to have a discussion (in your presence, of course) about getting OC tested and making arrangements for support and custody. The drawback is that she might continue to avoid the topic and decide to file for support anyway. If that's what happens, then your H can refuse to acknowledge paternity and a test will be ordered.
Best of luck to you and all of us here
Some days are great but I have this ever consuming anger towards him Ė he says it shouldnít matter Ė he didnít know of OC (who is 8) until now and has no problem with NC because thereís no bond. But that doesnít make me feel better because whether there is C or NC the existence of OC is very real. I canít wrap my head around it. I feel like Iím crazy. I told him itís over because I canít take it anymore. I feel like Iím losing it. I found out about OC Jul 2013. When does the pain go away?
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:57 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I agree that OW should not be able to double-dip on support either. Please refresh my memory~ is her H still with her now and still paying support? Or is she trying to get retroactive support for the time her H was raising the child? If it is the latter, I would hope that is another instance where retroactive support would be denied.
Please refresh my memory~ is her H still with her now and still paying support? Or is she trying to get retroactive support for the time her H was raising the child? If it is the latter, I would hope that is another instance where retroactive support would be denied.
Her H dumped her as soon as he found out he was only father to one of the kids he thought were his. According to her court paperwork she gets approx. $500 from her ex-H (because he acted as a parent, he has to pay for all the kids he "parented" when they were married even though only one is his) and another $200 from one of her other children's fathers as well. She wants support from my H aand she's requested it to be retroactive from the time he knew about OC.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:25 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
I know that numbness you are feeling. It's layered over some of the deepest pain I have ever experienced. The shock I felt the day I found out about OC. God.
My fiance came back briefly after all this time, yesterday. He is mentally and emotionally exhausted. He had very little to say, and was up until 2AM. He slept for 3 hours, then got up and without hardly a word, got himself around and left again. His ex is an orthodox christian and they celebrate Christmas January 7. He is staying over tonight and maybe tomorrow night. To be there for the children.
And what about being here for me? I am sitting here alone, except for the cat. Numb and hurting at the same time, feeling abandoned and helpless. Even though I know he didn't want to go over and see his ex, he felt it is "right" to spend time with the children at Christmas. And as the ex has 100% custody, not a chance in heck of us getting them over here on such an important day.
I disagree with the overnight so much. Consolation is the ex considers herself such a pious and importantly religious woman, she will likely be on her knees in Church half the night.
And knowing my fiance, he is not exactly going to be adding any Christmas cheer after 3 hours of sleep and already angry about the situation.
All I can do is hope for peace for the children and forever in hell for exwife/ow.
Stronger and Plainpain,
I just want to say I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you are going through. I wish I had some great words of wisdom just know I am sending you hugs, strength and saying a prayer for each of you.
Tomorrow WH goes for CS hearing. I was planning on attending but both kids are out of school due to the freezing cold in Chicago. Also DD10 does not want to see OW ever! I don't even know if she will be there, but better safe than sorry. BTW DD10 has been seeing her school counselor and was told that sadly this is not unusual.(What has the world come to?) This made her feel better. She still asks question but is not nearly as angry as she was. The counselor told her not to hold her feeling in and to talk to me and her when she needs to. She also gave her some tools to deal with her anger. Had a good XMAS and just relaxed on my BDAY(12/31). WH got me a surprise cake. It was a nice gesture on his part. Resolution is just to embrace all my feeling, put myself first, and ask for what I want at all time. These are not things I did before and sadly are like learning another language.
her school counselor and was told that sadly this is not unusual
now that's just sad. I wonder how these kids (the OC's) feel when they grow up and realized the circumstances they were conceived under? Not that the OC should feel bad because they're innocent in all this -- I just wonder how they feel.
I've decided - separated or not - I will be at court with H on the court date.
**Edit to say Happy (belated) Bday Storm - glad XMAS and bday werent ruined!**
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:22 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]