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User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I am hoping someone can point me towards some resources which address child welfare or child psychology as it pertains to raising OC.

The backstory (well documented in Just Found Out): my WW is pregnant with what is almost certainly the OM's child. Much of the discussion between the OM, WW and me has revolved around how parenting would work if my WW and I stay together. In my state, however, the affair partner has no legal rights regarding the child if the child is born within an existing marriage. If my WW and I stand united, no court will allow the OM to challenge paternity. Once I learned this, my focus shifted from what would be best for the parents to what would be best for the child as well as my two existing children. It seems obvious to me that children are probably best served by growing up in an intact family (as long as it is a healthy one). But I'd love to find some literature that addresses this specific situation. I'm hoping to make the argument to my WW and the OM that having him walk away is best for the kids, if the literature supports that claim. If it doesn't, I'm willing to accept that too. I just need information. Can anyone point me to a professional resource? There's so much fluff on the web that my google searches have been fruitless. I'd love to find a book or a liscensed child psychologist website. Thanks so much!


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no advice here (i'm sorry). Just bumping the thread hoping you'll get some responses.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have an answer for you on this one either, SAF. I tried googling as well, and the best I could come up with were a couple of yahoo and answer.com questions that were vaguely related.

I think whatever path is taken, it would be good to get a child psychologist involved at some point. Unfortunately, I don't think you are going to get a lot of quick and easy answers there as well. It's not really a black and white subject, and the answer depends on a lot of factors... stability of the home, stability of each of the parents involved, paternity laws, etc. If anything, it would take some time with you and your wife spending some time in a psychologist's office to try to get some good feedback, and I don't know if you'll have that kind of time before this child is born.

One thing that you can do is lay down a clear set of boundaries. Boundaries such as: If you are going to raise this child as your own, you want the OM to give up paternal rights and be NC might be a good one. Ultimately, it is up to you what those boundaries are, but I would personally steer clear of boundaries that allow a lot of wiggle room, like saying OM can see this child once a month or something. Looking into the future, I could see how something like that would cause a lot of problems for you, and confusion for this child.

Unfortunately you probably aren't going to find a lot of established data and literature on this specific scenario, based upon my own experience of scouring the web and seeing a child psychologist for my own situation.

Wish I could be of more help.

Hang in there, man.


Posts: 7529 | Registered: Dec 2010
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks stronger & LFW. This was a shot in the dark. I asked my MC if he could refer me to someone and he said he didn't know of anyone who specialized in this specific issue. He did, however, agree with me that it would be better for my two sons AND the new child to be raised in an intact two parent home. Someday, of course, we would tell the OC that daddy isn't bio-dad. We wouldn't want that secret to fester for longer than was necessary, especially if parents/aunts/uncles/cousins all know the truth.

This is highly speculative. It looks like we are heading for divorce anyway.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like we are heading for divorce anyway

((HUGS))

I hope you're keeping well. This whole situation sucks for everyone involved.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAF - Hey, a shot in the dark is always worth taking when it is something this big and important. I've taken a few shots in the dark, myself.

Someday, of course, we would tell the OC that daddy isn't bio-dad.

That is the specific reason why I sought out a psychologist who was also trained in child psychology. If/how/when to tell him. Such a tough conversation that will be with my son. Here I was, thinking the tough and awkward conversation with him was going to be about the birds and the bees. My psychologist didn't really have the answers for me, either, although she did provide a lot of support, encouragement, and advice. So ultimately I am left with forging my own path. I don't think there is a textbook answer for this type of scenario, my friend.

I'm really sorry to hear that circumstances seem to be steering you towards the path of divorce. Divorce or not, this child will be in your life one way or another, whether he/she is someone you are raising, or someone who is a half brother/sister to your own children. Things to think about and prepare yourself for.

The best advice I can think of to give you is to heal yourself and protect yourself as much as possible: legally, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.

Things are really tough for you now, and they will be for awhile. I can't lie to you about that. Hang in there, though. You will come out of the other side of this bigger, better, and stronger than ever, despite these circumstances that have been dealt to you.

Peace and strength to you.


Posts: 7529 | Registered: Dec 2010
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the result of yesterday's hearing is.....nothing. It is postponed for another friggin' moderation hearing on the 18th of next month, and then another hearing in mid-April if the moderation doesn't work out. We all waited for 3 hours for the judges to decide to try an official moderation, and that was after a mini-moderation in the hall.

I'm so tired of this system. She gets support sent right to her, and if she didn't, there would be very negatory consequences. Yet custody has been hers to dictate. A custody order? Psshhh. So what?


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle - I agree. The court system sucks. COM? Who cares? The Mom was a slut OW who actively pursued a married man hoping to trap her then husband into marriage? Oh well. LOL (sorry my story, not yours). It's all just sickening.

I don't get why the court (in your case) doesn't just decide custody/visitation etc. Come on. We all have LIVES to live. Not all of us want to spend time in court.

My fWH's OW is dragging this OUT. She wants to determine custody/access and STILL wants support. WTF!

((HUGS)) to all. This sitch makes me so angry.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*hugs*

What makes it extra frustrating is that custody was decided all the way back in 2005, and since then she has done everything she can to go against the visitation and the legal custody. She now wants modifications to the custody, basically wanting to lessen the visitation even further. She wants her boyfriend to be the most important father figure to OC, but she wants my husband to foot their bills. And that's what she's been getting.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish more people with OC would post on here. This situation is SO unique!! Its so different then just being a BS.....

My story is so hard for those bs with no OC to understand....i always just get told to leave. Im not ready. Im glad to come on here and read that im not the only one letting go.




Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Dec 24 2012 I received some life changing news….My WS told me that the woman I despised more than anything on this earth…just had his child. I didn’t even cry for at least the first 3 hours. I was in pure shock, I was pissed, I was hurt, I was more than anything numb. I mean of all the women on this earth….why this one?! I didn’t just question him, I questioned God. I looked up in the sky on my knees and just asked WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! I have been faithful, treated him like a king, put his wants before my needs, and just truly loved him the best that ANYONE could love somebody! Seeing him happy brought me happiness. Im a giver, unselfish, I care about people, and try to always be fair. I’m not saying im perfect, but what on earth would put this situation on me. The simple answer, he did obviously. Why would the universe let this happen. This isn’t karma, I never messed with a man in a relationship, I never cheated on him….so what? I don’t think I’ll ever truly have that answer.

My ws during the year she was pregnant told her whatever she wanted to hear to keep her quiet. He loved her, he would leave blah blah blah. Everyone knows him, so if she was to tell ANYONE, word would get back to me. She told her friends she got knocked up by some military guy who was sent overseas. I know this because her ex friend told me. They fell out because she lied about her pregnancy. She really thought that by staying quiet, he would leave. She in her simple mind couldn’t believe he just wanted her to be quiet so I wouldn’t find out from any other source. When he finally did tell me, he was shocked that I still wanted to be with him. When he told her I was okay with OC she was mad. Told him to just leave them alone, the whole nine. He then asked to sign his rights over, she flipped out. She never expected me to stay, she thought I would leave and she would have him. She had a bf for 5 years….she aborted his baby just 5 months earlier. But now, she was to holy to do that. Whatever. She even told WS that she didn’t abort because she knew he would cut all ties with her if she did. She also got in a car accident while pregnant, ws said he hoped that would end the pregnancy, but of course not.

My ws and I decided after about 2 weeks of trying to be civil that we would go NC with her. Give us all time to heal. After all the child wouldn’t remember this anyway. She didn’t like this. She posted all these things on fb about how terrible he was….He wasn’t terrible when you were fucking him! In case you’re wondering, it was me who was looking at her page. He blocked her. My ws was incarcerated for 3 months in 2013. OW contacted me and wanted to talk. I agreed. I hoped her meeting me would help her realize I was a REAL PERSON. Also, help the co-parenting between them if we started on a level playing field. I don’t know why she waited till he was incarcerated. Im guessing she hoped I was weak then and would just leave then, since most relationships don’t survive incarceration. (btw all charges were dropped, it was a bs case) She damn near shoved txt messages in my face showing me what he’d been telling her the year before. I however, already knew the worst shit he told her because he’d already told me so the txt were no surprise. I used this meeting as a way to show her that no matter what she tried to do, I wasn’t going to let her interfere with my relationship. I could tell through her fake ass smiles, she was pissed at the love I have for him. (WOMANS INTUITION PEOPLE). I treated her with respect not only because I didn’t want to stoop to her level, but I was hoping to bring her up to mine!! Well in Dec 2013 6months after his release, ws decided to see if things could work as far as co-parenting the OC. It’s been crazy. He has seen OC probably 6 times. Hasn’t seen her in the last 3 weeks because of how OW is acting. She can’t grasp the concept of only contacting about OC. If she does contact about OC, it’s almost a daily basis like “hey were free today if you want to come see her. I will be busy all day tmw” then tmw comes and its “Hey we have some free time if you want to see her” Trying to manipulate him to come that day….He hasn’t responded to her. She says for him to just contact when he’d like to see OC and then of course the next day comes and there is that stupid ass txt “were free” blah blah blah

Well me and ws have just enrolled in IC and CC starting Tuesday. It’s been sort of rough…But I see HUGE strides!! I am happy I have decided to stay. We have 3 children….and are truly in love. He says though the incarceration was bs, he thinks it was Gods way to sit him down and show him what’s important in life. We’ve both been renewed in our faith. I feel 10 years from now we will be in an amazing place…but unfortunately ow will still be around.

There are some zingers to this story…..

The reason why I say “why this woman” is because the following. This isn’t the first time ws has went outside the relationship. He actually has probably cheated about 50 times. OUCH!! He didn’t come clean until he was released. I had suspicions…but he performs music at nightclubs, so him being out frequently and late wasn’t unusual. Well the only woman he had an EA with…Miranda, was back in 2009 it stopped, then again in 2011. Well, during his 2011 fiasco with her, I told him I wasn’t comfortable with their “friendship” and asked him to put it to a stop. He refused…Coming from the same man who says “men and women can’t ever be just friends” He became very distant from me. Well one day I listened to his voicemails on his phone and heard a girl, not the same one but a different one asking him “when are you gonna come get some of this wet-wet?” EWWW. I was done. I told his sis I couldn’t take it. She then told me that the night before he went to the movies, and she thinks it was with a girl. She helped me pack my things, put some money in my pocket and I left , took the kids and went to the women’s shelter. I was there for 3 months. He denied anything between him and Miranda..but I knew better. Well one bad day, I put a post on FB saying that “even if we weren’t together, ill always love – and why the hell aren’t you answering the phone, I need to talk to you!” The next morning I receive a message on fb from who else but Miranda. She says the reason he wasn’t answering is because “we were sleeping” IN MY FUCKING BED IN MY HOUSE! Doesn’t matter if I left, that was still my shit and still my house. I was furious. She then asked me why I kept butting in their relationship?!? WOW this obviously came as a shock to me. I guess he told her that I KNEW they were dating now, of course I didn’t. He also logged in my FB and blocked her from my page so I couldn’t see what she was posting (the whole time I thought she blocked me, never thought to look in my settings. I kept all my passwords the same to show him I wasn’t leaving because of someone else, but because of his actions) Miranda wanted to meet with me and I agreed because even after her message to me, he still denied it. So she showed it all to me….messages pictures calls. You name it. He asked me to meet with him, he confessed to a lot. Even saying that mirandas best friend (Amber, the ow/oc who was in a 5 year relationship at the time) called him one night after she got off work to give him head. I told Miranda…I wanted to ruin their friendship just like she and her best friend tried to tarnish my relationship. I wanted them to lose all trust between them….and they did. Miranda even called Ambers boyfriend of 5 years to tell him that him that Amber had cheated on him. Amber kept trying to reach out to my WS during the few weeks following, to talk about how MIRANDA BETRAYED THEM. He told her that he was working on his relationship and that he wishes her the best but they shouldn’t be talking. That worked for a while, of course until feb 2012 when they started messing around again…only this time she was Miranda…She should have known better since he dissed her friend and hurt her so badly but hey…she’s not so bright. So she thought maybe she could take him. In my opinion she’s the worst. Not only did she mess with a man with a family, but she went behind her friends back who was into him and betrayed her own boyfriend. The lowest of the low.

The other HUGE zinger is that just one month after she found out she was pregnant, I delivered a healthy baby boy that we placed for adoption. We have 3 kids and knew we couldn’t provide for a 4th. We found a family …. A GREAT family at that. Two doctors who graduated with PHD’s from John Hopkins University. It was hard. They were so amazing though. Me and the adoptive mother made a really strong bond in the few months before my delivery. I even was able to let the adoptive father in the room with me and my fiancé during my c-section to cut the umbilical cord. He would’ve never had that experience otherwise. They keep a book of photos and info of us. We have this GREAT pic of all of us all 4 kids and all 4 adults together. My kids refer to them as aunt and uncle. It is completely open so I don’t feel we lost a child, we gained a family. Well, the only problem is the OW was pregnant. I feel like I should have known before we decided to place our child for adoption. I know he thought for the first two months she would get an abortion because that’s what she agreed to, but still. I can no longer have any, and she gets to have his last.

As of now…. I have passwords to everything. Ws has even stopped doing shows so he won’t be out in that environment anymore. ws and ow have MINIMAL contact…he is actually not contacting her at all and hasn’t seen oc in a few weeks. I think he’s hoping she just disappears. I know better. He says in the few times he’s seen OC that he was hoping to build a love for her…but it just hasn’t come. He says he feels bad that he doesn’t care for her like ours. It’s a crazy road….

There so much to this story…Im just determined to survive it all!!!




Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Brokenhearted88
♀ New Member
Member # 42477
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I now find myself in the situation you are all in. I'll make my story quick. I have a 2 and a half year old with my partner of 6 years. I have recently found out he has a one year old from a ONS while working away.

We are trying to R and have decided no contact. However his pain in the arse sister is debating if she wants contact. We have decided to not tell our daughter for as long as possible and now feel like I'm being betrayed again by the fact she might want contact puts all our plans in the air again!

Sick of this. Any advice or people in the same situation

Thanks


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhearted88, in my opinion I do not think anyone outside the immediate family should have a choice in whether they have contact if the nuclear family is NC. When birth mother's give their child up for adoption, their family of origin doesn't get visitation.

However, that is certainly not the case in our situation. FWH's family has chosen to have contact with OW and OC, after being introduced to OW by my FWH's own XW. However, when COM was born shortly after OC, FWH's family had zero interest in meeting COM. Therefore, we have permanently removed them from our lives.

If your SIL (sister in law) cannot respect your partner's wishes, it will likely cause huge rifts in the relationship between your partner and SIL, as well as negative consequences to R.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Brokenhearted88
♀ New Member
Member # 42477
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is exactly what I think. They should be respecting our decision as a family to try and work this out. My WS decided on NC well before I or they were aware of the situation. I have told him as far as I'm concerned if she has contact with that child she will not have contact with mine. He says he doesn't understand why I feel that way and why it's hurting me so much that she could do this to us. I feel like I've had enough stress and hurt and that she's adding to it but she says it's her niece! I will never forgive her for adding more hurt to the worst time of my life!

Also where can I find the OC handbook thing people have been speaking about.

Thanks for your reply and sorry for your situation. None of us deserve this! Xx


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014
Masks
♀ New Member
Member # 33217
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenheart- so sorry you find yourself in the same siutation that all of us have been dealing with. We are in contact with the OC, but I know about feeling betrayed by your husband's family and it definitely can cause issues with your R. I noticed you asked for the OC handbook. I found it on pg 3 of this thread, but to save you some time I am posting it below:

OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)


1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.
2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference. ADDED: If you do decide to go for joint legal custody, do it in the beginning, it is harder and more expensive to get later on.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

ADDED:
12. Consider removing your spouse from your joint bank accounts, stocks, bonds and removing them as a beneficiary of your life insurance policies, as OW/OC could try to attach an interest in any holding that has your spouse SS # on it.

ADDED:
13. If you are NC with OC but may consider a relationship later down the road or want to be prepared for when the OC gets older and may want to meet your family, some members have put together letters, cards, pictures for OC and held them until an appropiate time. Especially in situations where the OW has made it very difficult to have C.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE

A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.

Hope this helps.


Me:26 Him:28
D Day: 4/19/2009
No children together
Child w/ OW: 21 months
OW: 20

:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Masks
horaliar
♀ Member
Member # 35236
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been absent from the site for a long time, just looking around from time to time while I learned how to deal with my demons. I'll give a quick update.

OW came to pick up OC in June of last year. She was pressuring WS to take OC to her, she lives around 300 miles away, about a 6 hr drive one way. WS had taken OC back in January of '13, he had gone back to have her sign some paternity documents. OW had told WS that she needed someone to look after OC because she had another convention. He offered to take OC, she said no, she had only had OC for 2 weeks. A week later she is calling WS to pick up OC. So we ended up having OC for another 4 months until she decided to come get him. I was furious because she came knocking at our door at 3:00 am asking to pick up OC but that's another story.

WS goes back to pick up OC October of that same year. He ends up staying with us for another 4 months, WS takes him back at the end of February. OC hasn't been back with his mother for a week and she is already asking for money. We didn't see a dime from her for the 4 months he was with us. Mind you that she wants this money to pay for babysitters, nothing for the OC. She doesn't work, she has high hopes of becoming a stand up member of the Amway network, and of course, considering the area where she lives is, she makes squat. WS sent her a text message asking how OC was, what he had had for lunch. OW responds that OC has been eating air because his father hasn't sent him money. Oh, but the 4 months OC lived with us she worked and actually made some money, but that money is invested in her "business".

Anyhow, I told WS that I've had it. I always wanted my daughter to have a sibling, my own fault for not specifying that I wanted to be part of the child's gene pool. Becoming attached to the OC was easy for me, it's not his fault what his stupid parents did or the situation that he's in. Taking care of him and looking after him came easily to me, and now that he's not here it hurts.

I know that OC needs to be with his mother, and I'm in the same dilema as so many others here. What do I tell my child? I told her that OC was a son of a friend of her dads that we were taking care of because his mom couldn't. WS told her that OC was his brother, so she ended pretending that he is her brother, because he didn't come out of my tummy. She also asked me once why I took care of OC like he was my own, and I told her, well, lets just imagine that he is.

As stinky as this whole situation is, I don't feel comfortable having WS ask for full physical custory. I just can't come to terms taking away a child from his mother. I think she is doing the best she can with the tools that she now has, I don't believe that she is abusing OC or her other kids, and taking OC without her being a threat to him just because she is not well off financially seems to me morally reprehensable. I felt horrible this last time that WS took OC back, it's been only two weeks but it feels much longer. I can't imagine if someone wanted to take away my 8 year old.

Thanks to anyone who has any words of encouragement, hugs, advice. This is the only place where I can find people who can truly have complete empathy for what I'm going through and can tell me other things besides "Why don't you just kick him to the curb?" I don't feel ready to leave, not sure if I'll ever get to that point.

Thanks again, hugs to everyone.


Me: BS Him: WH
One DD.
OC born in July 2012
"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens but doesn't believe. And leaves before she is left." Marylin Monroe

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2012
Masks
♀ New Member
Member # 33217
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi horaliar,
I just wanted to say a few things to you.

I completely understand where you are coming from. We used to have the OC in my life for weeks and months at a time, all while paying the OW child support and getting nothing from her during the times OC was with us. And, like with you, when the OC would go back to her mom, the OW would call asking for $. Thankfully her situation seems to have improved, or maybe she has other people to ask for help. Either way she doesn't ask for money too often now a days.

Your sentiment about not wanting to take the OC away from his mother when she is doing the best she can was actually my WS's sentiment. I could not agree with him. I felt like if there is better than her best available for the child, while not let the OC be in the better situation (not the best her mother can do, but just the best situation available to her period)... just let the child stay with us and let her mother have visitation. But I never really pushed the issue, because (and this is going to sound selfish I guess)at the end of the day, having the OC living with us and only visiting OW would have meant more interaction with the OW and the OW feeling that much more entitled to know about the day to day of our lives, and give her mor opportunities to interfere with it too... so its a blessing that he shared your sentiments rather than mine.

And if your WS is doing what he is supposed to do as your other half, there is no reason for you to kick him to the curb. I didn't and I can say with 100% certainty that there is no way my husband and I would be where we are today (emotionally) had it not been for the extremely difficult situation he created, but that WE had to get through TOGETHER.

This situation was either going to make or break my relationship. And by "make" I mean make it stronger. And although I felt many times through out that it was going to break it... it actually made it. Not everyone in this situation has the same story as me, because every relationship is different. Some would not even want to have the same story as me... lol, but this is my story and just based on what you said you do want to have a MADE story, rather than a BREAK story. The only words of wisdom I have is to tell you to always be true to your feelings and what you want to do. Don't let anyone, not the naysayers or the supporters, make you feel like you have to do anything.

Now I can't relate at all to having to tell your child about the other child, but you of course don't want to mislead her any more than you have to. Only you and WS can know what your child can handle or understand, but it may confuse her more if she thinks the OC is a "pretend" brother only to be told later that he is not.

I hope your tomorrows are always brighter and happier than your yesterdays! hugs to everyone!

ADDITION: horaliar, I was trying to send you a private message, but for some reason I was unable to. I wanted to ask you this... do you know what you need from your WS? if so have you told him? For me it was complete honesty. Total transparency. SO if that meant he said somethings that stung a little, I had to take it. I told him this was what I wanted, so he knew he could and should say whatever was on his mind... always in a respectful, caring way, but even things said respectfully and caringly can hurt. At the end of the day, it was good for us. But the key was both of us always thinking before we spoke and trying to speak from a place of love rather than the frustration, irritation, pain, hurt, anger etc etc we were actually feeling. And if we couldn't speak from a place of love at any given moment, we would just not speak until we could. He understood my silent treatment meant, 'if I talk right now, I am going to say what is on my mind in the most painful way' and I knew the same was true for him. Anyway I just wanted to add this because I saw your updates on your profile and your journal and was wondering if you had actually really thought about what you need/want from him and if so, if you had actually told him. In my opinion a decision to end a marriage or committed relationship should not be made until both individuals have communicated what they want/need and have given the other an opportunity to meet those wants/needs. Now if you have told him and he is not even trying... it may be time to move on. OK, I just had to add that. Take care.

[This message edited by Masks at 3:02 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


Me:26 Him:28
D Day: 4/19/2009
No children together
Child w/ OW: 21 months
OW: 20

:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Masks
horaliar
♀ Member
Member # 35236
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Masks for your words of encouragement, specially the part of asking him what I want/need. I haven't asked for anything in a long time, he is under the impression that 2 years out should be enough for me to recuperate and I've basically just dropped the whole thing. I know that it's not the best solution or decision, but at the moment, I don't feel prepared for anything else, emotionally or financially. Today I had a few sad moments. My little one woke up very early crying about a nightmare she had had. She didn't want to tell either of us what it had been, and my husband told her that it was important for us to know her nightmare, so we could talk about it. And I then walked slowly by his side and whispered, "Like me, I had a nightmare but mine came true". Anyhow, we do get along, I don't have to make an effort. Right now what worries me the most is what is going to happen with the OC situation, and letting my daughter know about this.

Thanks


Me: BS Him: WH
One DD.
OC born in July 2012
"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens but doesn't believe. And leaves before she is left." Marylin Monroe

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2012
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Masks~ I gained a lot of insight reading your recent posts, even though they weren't addressed to me....you put a lot of my feelings into words. Thank you

horaliar~ the only thing I can add right now to what Masks posted is how we told our children about OC. We took the direct approach~ I believe OC was around 5 when we told them, "This is your half-brother. Your Dad is also his Dad, but he has a different Mom". Aside from a few brief explanations from time to time, they are generally unphased by it. We are prepared for any further questions to come up (our oldest is now 16).

The mediation also resulted in nothing being done or decided, except that there should be another meeting at a restaurant to see if the two of them (FWH and OW) can come to any agreements instead of going through with the court date. The mediator said that if it comes down to the judge deciding, neither one of them will like the outcome. I don't see how it could get any worse on H's end though, and OW is the one who filed for these modifications. Anyway, the meeting will also have me and her boyfriend present, so I guess that counts as a positive step. Currently OW has been on her nicest behavior...I think she might be realizing that she couldn't just run to the court and expect them to let her have the custody her way. Also, she's filing for a continuance of the court date (in case it does go through) because she planned to take vacation already! The mediator told her there's a slim chance of that.

It's probably one of the funniest things I've heard in awhile~ OW filing for a hearing that she wants, and then asking the court, "Do I have to go to court that day? I'm going on vacation. Can you make it this day instead?"


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paternity test scheduled for Monday. Hoping against hope I'm the father, although it's extremely unlikely.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
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