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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems OW wants to raise OC without my H in the picture at all, and I am fine with that

Honestly, if your FWH doesn't want visitation, I think this is best. It makes it so much easier in the future if someone wants to step in and play daddy with OC.

(From Ow's personality, I predicted it was only a matter of time until she found a man to be "daddy" to OC, and she did, IMMEDIATELY… that one didn't last, but the next one did, even though he was only 18 when OW met him).


The kicker is that FWH didn't want to be involved with OC, and I talked him into it. I let the societal pressure get to me, chestnuts such as, "What kind of people would you be if you refused to acknowledge the child? Having contact is the right and decent thing to do."

This was almost me SO MAN TIMES. The judgment you get from people is so fucking painful. It's the pain of the infidelity, all over again, every single time.

Luckily OW pulled so much SHIT trying to tear our family apart, stalking me and our DD, by the time the court case was open on OC FWH hated OW's guts, and absolutely resented the very idea of OC, the child intentionally conceived to tear his world apart.


FWH and I were talking about our old jobs the other day (background: we worked at the same place, he a manager me in engineering, and his co-worker is the one who "introduced" [was actively trying to set OW up with anything with a penis] FWH to OW.

Well, FWH was telling me that when he was sent down to take over this particular co-worker's department at work, FWH's supervisor confided that he had sent him with the intention of firing co-worker, but when co-worker got wind of the intentions, he "stepped up" and began being a better manager, thus saving his job.

This was about 2 years before the affair. So, if co-worker had just been fired, Oc would not exist.

Instead, FWH worked with co-worker for a couple years, hating his guts (scumbag, backstabber of a guy, and a serial adulterer) until we started having problems, then they becomes best friends/each other's alibi.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
HeartbrokenLady
♀ New Member
Member # 44653
Shocked  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone..I posted my story in the just found out section last night and ppl suggested I come here. My man and I have been together 5yrs. I have a 6yr old son he's raising as his own. He cheated and the bitch is 5mos preg. I'm devastated. He said he wants to be w.me. She wants him to be w.her. I'm so upset. I've semi suicidal and the only reason I haven't done it, is because of my son. But I'm not okay. How do we get through this? Plz someone help me. I'm new here and still learning the abbreviations from the library so plz bare w.me. She wants him to be w.her and be a family. Smh. He already has a family smut! Any advice from ppl who have worked thru this plz help.


It's a cold world; better bundle up.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeartbrokenLady, I'm here, take a deep breath. Don't even think about suicide, that'd be just what that bitch would want, then she could have your man (and your son).

We're here. I'll go check in on your other thread. Just breath.

I can pm you if you want to talk privately.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Bat4583
♀ New Member
Member # 43823
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Heartbroken))))))
I hear you. I found out 10 weeks ago that my husband of 17 years has a 3 month old baby with his coworker. It was a total shock and I am devastated beyond belief. An affair is bad enough, but an OC! WTF! Stay strong. No man is worth your life as you have little boy to think of. The WS is weak and pathetic. Keep telling yourself that you are stronger than you think! Hugs!


DDay 6-21-2014
Married 17 years
Together 28
ME: 44 totally loyal
WS: 44 knocked up his OW. Nice!
2 fabulous kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2014
HeartbrokenLady
♀ New Member
Member # 44653
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u guys for ur kind words. So Bat..are you going to stay with him? Is he seeing the baby? My heart is broken. I don't want my son to be without a mom..but i can't even give him what he needs now. I'm so hurt and lost.


It's a cold world; better bundle up.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're here for you, Heartbroken ((hugs))

First and foremost, please reach out when you have suicidal thoughts. I struggled with them, too. It is a very unfortunate symptom of the pain of infidelity. Want2 is right~ the best revenge against OW is to live and live well.

There is an OC "handbook" in the first few pages of this thread that goes over a lot of general concerns. Since the baby hasn't been born yet, the main thing right now is you and your H discussing what you each feel about asserting custodial/visitation rights after the child is born, but DNA comes before that. Make sure to let him know not to give the OW any money until or unless DNA proves positive paternity. If he is serious about reconciling with you, he needs to break off all contact with OW for the time being, the only reason for communicating with her in the future would be if he were to be granted a form of custody.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
HeartbrokenLady
♀ New Member
Member # 44653
Sad  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I know they're talking..she didn't know about me so she keeps telling him to leave me...and it's like bitch...I've been here 5yrs. U been here 6 mos. god I fucking hate her. I wrote him a loooong letter cuz every time if try to say something I'd just start crying n getting flustered. It's hard to talk w.my son always up under us. Anyway..How did you get over the pain? How were u able to move on and be a family again?

Edit: I forgot to add I couldn't find the first part of this oc thread to find the handbook part. and this thread started in the middle of a convo..on pg 1.

[This message edited by HeartbrokenLady at 5:11 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]


It's a cold world; better bundle up.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
HeartbrokenLady
♀ New Member
Member # 44653
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also sparkle..I can't send pm's yet but I'd like to ask u something in private. If you could message me that would be great. If not, I understand.


It's a cold world; better bundle up.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
I have not posted in a while. Sorry to see so many new members.

Heartbroken Lady,
Please do not harm yourself. Everyone here knows how hard it is. Know that you did not do anything to deserve this and that you are loved. Especially by your son. It does get better whether you choose to stay or leave. As we all know the OW who decide to have OC are messed up in a serious way. Sending you a big hug.

Here is my update,
Had a major fight with WH. He was talking to OW to "get off CS and work out a financial settlement they could both agree on". While they were talking she refiled. I laughed my ass off. I told him she knew about this and he did not believe me until he went to the CS office and they told him. He was livid and I thought it was one of the funniest things ever!!! I simply could not stop laughing and thought why would you ever trust someone who admits they planned this and waited to have sex with you when you were drunk and they were the designated driver. This did not make WH very happy. I told him he got what he deserved for not listening and putting himself and what he wanted first. He said that I needed to leave. I said fine. I told my family who live in another state and they told me and girls to come home. The love and support I received was astounding. They all just wanted to know what the heck was he thinking. My oldest received a lot of love, support and much needed attention from all her aunts and her grandmother. She had a great time. They needed a break from our situation as much a I did. The entire time WH wanted to know when and if I was coming back and what my plans were. I am home now(lol). He is not as he has training for two weeks elsewhere. So had a little over 3 weeks without WH. I needed it!!!!

I am now 1 year from D-day. So many people said it would get better and I am happy to report it does. I am not as worried about what WH does or does not do. For once I am making decisions and he can either come along for the ride or not. Doesn't matter to me. I have a follow up interview for a job tomorrow. I am really excited as I have not worked outside the home for 7 years. I really want to show my girls that I can take care of them no matter what. OW is still crazy and needy. This also cracks me up. Today I can say I am happy and I have not been able to say that for a long time. I am so grateful for everything this year has taught me. One thing I know is that I am much stronger than I ever knew.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you look on Page 3 of this thread, about halfway down, that's where the OC handbook post is. If you can't find it, let me know and I can re-post it.

If you are not okay with your H and OW communicating, by all means, tell him that is something you will not accept. Originally I was open to the idea of contact, with limits....yet, more than 10 years later, OW brings as much drama and shit as ever. We've had it. It's a safe bet that most OW either A. still want some kind of relationship with H B. plan to get back at the man and his wife and family or C. swing between bouts of both. Either way, they are automatically against you and will only come between you and your H.

As for how you get over the pain....time really is one of the biggest factors. The general timeline for healing from infidelity is 2 to 5 years...being in an OC situation adds more time, because there is a living reminder of the infidelity. And if you do end up having contact with OC, triggers are inevitable.

There also needs to be a lot of communication with your H. If writing letters works best for you, keep with that.

This site was and is also very helpful. Find what works for you, and for now just take it one day (or even one hour) at a time. (((hugs))


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
HeartbrokenLady
♀ New Member
Member # 44653
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found it thank u. I'm so stressed out. OW is such a bitch. She has a 2 and 3 yr old by two diff dads and is knocked up with MY mans baby..sooo in 4 yrs you got 3 babydaddies? Smh.


It's a cold world; better bundle up.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Bat4583
♀ New Member
Member # 43823
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Heartbroken)
So sorry! You asked if I am still with my husband, and yes, we are in counseling and trying to reconcile. He has not seen the baby in 10 weeks and I have left it up to him if he wants to seek some type of custody arrangement. It is brutal and I am clinically depressed. Everyday is a struggle to get through. We have two amazing kids and that is the reason I am trying to move forward with him. Only time will tell. For me, I would rather have it out in the open. Sick of the lies. He is remorseful and trying but the OC does weigh heavily on him. Infidelity is hard enough without this added burden. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong for your little one. He needs YOU! You are stronger than you think. Although, I do hate that saying. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Most days I feel that whatever doesn't kill you, knocks you down so,it can kill you the next time.


DDay 6-21-2014
Married 17 years
Together 28
ME: 44 totally loyal
WS: 44 knocked up his OW. Nice!
2 fabulous kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2014
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Most days I feel that whatever doesn't kill you, knocks you down so,it can kill you (or at least I do).

I'm like "Come at me, bro. Do your worst."

[This message edited by Want2help at 3:27 PM, August 29th (Friday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken~ sounds very similar to OW in our case....3 different baby daddies within 5 years. She got pregnant with OC while she was separated from her first H, started dating her 2ndH while she was pregnant, and still went on to have sex with both her 1stH and my H just months after OC was born. She was also having sex with at least a few other guys around the time she got pregnant with OC.....this is why getting a paternity test is crucial.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
preggonow
♀ New Member
Member # 44502
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nant

Stop Watching this Topic 

preggonow

View More Posts

I am due in the same month she is due. I have been with the guy for 6 years and she slept with him one night when he was drunk. 

He confessed and I left him and two days later i found out i was pregnant too. I will not know for months if it is really his (she is a slut). 

She wants him to be a part of the kids life and i just don't know if i could handle that. 

We are taking it a day at a time and I want to work things out with him but he originally said he'd pay for the kid but have no contact with her or the kid and now he thinks he should see the kid. 

First, do I stay? 
Second, do I get a lawyer to start child support if i stay or i don't? 
Third, i heard if she files first she would get more money for cs. I want whats fair but if she gets a lot will there be anything left for my child? 
Fourth, if i decide to stay how in the world could i see that child and not hate it and want to throw it out of the house? ( i would never hurt a child just saying i might hate it enough to WANT to in my mind) 
Fifth, if i stay i have to deal with baby momma drama forever? 
Sixth, whether I like it or not my child has a brother so should i let them see each other? 

ugh...... so many questions i could go on forever. I have not told anyone so i have no one in real life to talk to . Figured it would be harder if i decided to stay to have other people put in 2 cents. 

Id like your thoughts tho. People who have gone thru this


Me- BS
DD- April 2014
My due date- 1/14/15
OW due date- 01/09/15

Currently working on reconciliation.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I'm so glad this thread exists. I've posted my longer story in the just found out forum.

The gist of my story is we've been married almost 14 years. We have two children, an 11 year old girl and 7 year old boy. He announced 3 weeks ago that he wanted to leave because he was unhappy. I insisted on marriage counseling and he agreed. The night before our first session, he told me about the affair (one night stand with friend of friend) and the baby (6 months old).

My husband wants to be in the child's life.I have no resentment towards the child. At this point, i think i can deal with his existence and my husband's involvement. The affair was a one night stand with a friend of a friend so at least i don't have to deal with continued romantic feelings. Neither of them ever wanted an ongoing relationship.

The question rattling around today is how did everyone tell the other children or why did you chose not to? the 11 year old obviously will know how a baby came to be, and I worry about the message i send to her if I chose to reconcile (which i'm not 100% on yet). And i just don't know where to even begin with the 7 year old.

If we tell them, it will be with a therapist present, that's as far as i've gotten.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, do I stay?

Only you can answer that. I suggest you read through the old threads, maybe even take notes and see the lived experiences of those couples who have contcat/visitation with OC, and those who do not "NC). Decide if you can live your life like this.

Second, do I get a lawyer to start child support if i stay or i don't?

It is often suggested that you file for support immediately. My only COM was born AFTER OC, and it took years to get a "fair" (in our best interest, not necessarily OC's) child support amount where our COM is recognized.

Third, i heard if she files first she would get more money for cs. I want whats fair but if she gets a lot will there be anything left for my child?

See above. This was our reality for quite a few years. OW was making $16 an hour and living with her parents (no bills). FWH was making $11 after getting laid off. FWH was still ordered to pay $350 a month, half of childcare, and insurance. He would come home and weep after collecting his paycheck. It took years of modifications and appeals for this to stop.

Fourth, if i decide to stay how in the world could i see that child and not hate it and want to throw it out of the house? ( i would never hurt a child just saying i might hate it enough to WANT to in my mind)

This is the difficult part. I couldn't imagine how I would react to normal sibling stuff between COM and OC. I would probably flip out.

Fifth, if i stay i have to deal with baby momma drama forever?

Most likely. I cannot recall, in my 6 years here, anyone who lived without drama from the OW, even those with NC.

We have NC (No Contact). My FWH has never even met OC. NC with OW since she was pregnant, other tan CS hearings. We also moved 200 miles away, to a city where we knew no one.

OW STILL finds a way to be a source of drama in our lives. She has infiltrated FWH's family. She has stalked and contacted my family. She harasses old friends. It is ugly.


Sixth, whether I like it or not my child has a brother so should i let them see each other?

Opinions will differ on this subject, but it is my belief that no child suffers from lack of exposure to siblings produced from illicit affairs.

In my case, for all I know OC is a spoiled brat, why would I expose my child to that?

Roseposey, I wish I had advice on how to tell your children, but I do not. My daughter doesn't know about OC, and only has a vague notion that she has half sisters from her father's previous M (those "children" are all well into adulthood, and have chosen to be very engaged with OW, and therefore are not in our life in any way).


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 30th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

preggonow,
I agree with a lot that Want2help said. Check out the laws for child support in your state. Some states go in order of birth while others go with who files first. Only you will know whether you want to stay or not. I am only a year out and I have days where it is not worth it and others where things seem normal.

Roseyposey,
I also have a 11 year old girl. During MC we were encouraged to tell our children. I also have a friend who is a therapist who told me the same thing. Prior to my telling her DD11 asked if WH had cheated on me. This was maybe a week after DD. I told her that daddy had really hurt mommy and we were going to have to talk to daddy. I called him to let him know and he was very adamant that she not know. All this did was make her very angry and lash out at me. One day after school she was so angry that I pulled over and just honestly answered every question she had. I told her that daddy had cheated on mommy. That none of it was her or her sister's fault and that both of us loved her. I told her that he had another child. She asked how old the child was and I said a year and half younger than her DD4. She asked if we were getting a divorce and I said at the time as of now no. I asked if she had any more questions and she said no. A few weeks later she said so if daddy had a baby with another lady they had sex? I said yes. She asked me the child's name and I told her. I asked did she want to see the OC and she said NO WAY!!!!!
From time to time she will ask me questions as they pop in her head or give me a note because she was thinking about it and I was not around to ask. She also talked to her school counselor who gave her some techniques to deal with anger and let her know the same thing had happened in her family and that everything would be ok in the long run. DD also talked to a friend at school whose parent got a divorce because of infidelity. She came home and told me she was not ashamed anymore and that it seems this happens a lot. I told her that yes sadly it does.

I have a friend whose husband was not told about affair or other child. He said that one day they went from happy family to not having a family at all. Each sibling was told around age 18. They turned to drugs, alcohol and other negatives behavior to deal with situation and what they felt was the lies their parents told them. He said that from the COM perspective telling them is the best thing to do. He also said my DD11 could talk to him if she needs to as well.
Hope that helps.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 2 weeks in and already seeing what a set back feels like.

It dawned on me on my way to work this morning that WH gave OW our son's bottles.

I bought a ton of expensive bottles when DS was born and hung onto them way too long thinking I'd resell them on ebay or craigslist. WH all of a sudden was tired of looking at the totes and said time to sell or donate. I am a pack rat so this is not an uncommon convo. Eventually I said fine I'll donate because I don't want to mess with photographing and listing. Shortly after he said hey I know someone who can use them. Single mom, crappy job. I say great!

WH doesn't understand why it makes me so sad and embarassed to realize it was his OW. Says he won't apologize for giving her something I was going to
Give to a stranger. :(

ETA: he is still very much in the fog and I am coming to terms with my codependency. we will likely separate in the next few weeks to see if we have something worth repairing.

[This message edited by roseyposey at 8:23 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH doesn't understand why it makes me so sad and embarassed to realize it was his OW. Says he won't apologize for giving her something I was going to Give to a stranger

As much as him giving her the bottles hurts, I would find his lack of remorse MUCH more appalling than the actual act.

I would give a stranger a kidney. I wouldn't bother to urinate on OW if she was burning to death at my feet.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
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