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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dear Remorseful WSes… It's your choice, too...
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was listening to a teleconference from another site on infidelity, and the BW was leading a group of BSes and was talking about how brave it was for these BSes to be offering the gift of recovery to their WSes. Her WH happened to be at that meeting to share with the group, and after the meeting, on the way home, the WH said something to the affect of, “You know, we would never be here had you not offered me the amazing gift of Reconciliation, but please remember that I chose to be here, too. I chose to do the hard work repairing the damage to myself and to you that has helped bring us to where we are today.” (This couple was over 5 years into recovery, and he did not, apparently, fear being thrown from the car) :-)

And I was overwhelmed with the thought… “Hey, This is MY choice, too! I choose to stay in this marriage today, too. I choose to repair myself and live an authentic life and to help my H heal and to get to know ME again. This is MY choice, too…” I gotta tell you, that was pretty fucking freeing. I choose to come home every day never really knowing which H is going to be there. I choose to love. I choose to be patient. I choose empathy. I choose forgiveness. In order for R to even have a chance, I had to be willing to rip open my own wounds and, in the process, stab my H with every word, with every touch, with every encounter that I shared with my AP. That was disgustingly hard for me (as I’m sure it is for all of us). Not only to answer questions honestly, but to have to rip his heart out with information. It was my choice to do that, and it was healing for me. I chose honesty, and I chose to stay- knowing that it would be a nightmare for a long time.

In all honesty, with everything that has happened in the past 2 ½ years since d-day, divorce truly would have been easier. But I’m not entirely sure that I would have healed. Staying was the right choice for ME. It truly healed me. I am better. I am a different person with amazingly strong, firm boundaries while still knowing how to have a blast in life. Is my M better? Nope- not better- My marriage was on life support before my A and I pulled the plug with my A. The healing has been the eye-opening experience for me. I am capable of truth. I am capable of living with authenticity. I am capable of abounding love and respect and forgiveness. And, you know what? I’m so glad I chose to stay because it healed ME. And I am healed through the GOOD choices I am making now- today- every day.

I think it is VERY important for remorseful WSes to know that their choices are so important- that they HAVE choices- those that choose to stay and heal their marriages and themselves… those that choose to leave the marriage and heal themselves alone. I know that because of the emotionally charged nature of this topic and this site, it is often lost that those of us who choose to stay and repair the damage (having absolutely NO idea whether or not our M will actually EVER recover) or that those who choose to repair THEMSELVES without the M is over-looked with an often flippant response that resembles, “WELL! They CREATED the shit-pile, they damn well better clean the shit up!” When we are given the gift of even attempting to repair the damage, it is, indeed, a gift, but then the hard work starts. Staying is a choice- on both sides of the fence.

I am so proud of all WSes on this forum that have CHOSEN healing- with or without our partners. I am so proud that you have chosen to make good come out of something so destructive. Remember every day, that you are choosing your life, too. You are not being led around by the nose hairs. I am overwhelmed today for all of you that choose to do the hard work every day- for not running away from yourself. For recognizing your brokenness and for having the guts to stand firm- and to repair it.


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awesome post....
The healing has been the eye-opening experience for me. I am capable of truth. I am capable of living with authenticity. I am capable of abounding love and respect and forgiveness. And, you know what? I’m so glad I chose to stay because it healed ME. And I am healed through the GOOD choices I am making now- today- every day.
ditto!!! love ya!


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5989 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you trytoforgive, I could not agree more. I know that everyone tells the WS that they have to be so thankful for their BS offering reconciliation, and I am, but I don't know where it is going to lead, all I know is that I HAVE to work on me. A lot. A ton. As you found personally, that doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation, even if that is what you are also working towards. Sometimes, in my opinion, an affair may actually be either 'the straw that breaks the camels back' or maybe just one large part of an already broken relationship that may NOT be able to heal.

It IS our choice too. I may decide to divorce some day, my BH may decide to divorce me (for affair reasons or otherwise) but I have to make sure that regardless of the outcome, I 'fix' myself so that I am heal and can move forward a stronger person. For some people, that may be done alone.


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said. Healthy choices, self-respect/esteem, and boundaries are for both WS and BS alike. They may not always appear to be conducive to reconciling (depending on the nature of dysfunction in the relationship), however, they are essential to healing.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 789 | Registered: Jun 2010
figureitout
♀ Member
Member # 23997
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to both of your posts.

There are so many choices to be made and your post reminds me that making the good ones is very important~!

fio


M-35+ yr
Dday 8/09

Posts: 309 | Registered: May 2009
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome. That was very timely for me. Thank you! I've had whipped puppy syndrome all week. Terrified to go on, to work on me. As hard as it's going to be, I know it's the right choice.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JKL Vikings
♂ Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very good trytoforgive...
If you've never heard the song "Easy" by the Commodores, give it a listen (showing my age here)
We have to do the work whether or not our BSes decide to join us...


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 525 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie84)))

I've read your posts. You can't heal if you stay stuck in you own shit-pile. Give yourself some time to grieve for your own self and for the marriage that you will never have again, and get better, stronger, everyday. In the end, you are the only one that can choose YOU...

(((Aubrie84)))

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 1:41 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

JKL Vikings, you are a whole 3 years older than me. Love Lionel Richie- and I love that song.

end t/j


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS (and FWW) here.

This is exactly how I feel about my H right now. His choice to stay, to keep looking me in the eye every single day, to keep owning his shit, to keep digging in IC to get to the bottom of his muck so that he can be free to be a partner to me...his choice is so precious to me. As much as this past year has hurt me, I would not take his place for anything in the world. And I am very grateful for the circumstances that resulted in me being willing to try R again.

Thanks for a beautiful post.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his choice is so precious to me. As much as this past year has hurt me, I would not take his place for anything in the world. And I am very grateful for the circumstances that resulted in me being willing to try R again.

Thanks for a beautiful post.

HFSSC, this gave me goosebumps... Thanks so much for sharing...


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so proud of all WSes on this forum that have CHOSEN healing- with or without our partners

Amen!!!! Awesome post.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uo, I thought of you as I was writing that part.

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 2:44 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree.

In the few first weeks after dday, my fWH would say things like "I am choosing to be here and work this out" OR "I could have left, but I didn't want to"

Being so close after dday this didn't sit well as I felt he "owed" this to me and really, was there a choice?

Yes, yes there was. And I am now very happy he made it. It is hard to remember that when someone has been so hurt, but to stick around through the pain he has truly deserves a pat on the back.

Great post!


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
bewuzzled
♀ Member
Member # 31584
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post, it's awesome. It would have been much easier for me to run away from myself and my BH too. But I choose to stay and do the hard work,because it's what's right for MY life. And it's no part of easy, the way life is right now, but in the end, it will be worth it. I know that in my heart.


WW ( me) 35
BH (him) 35 (StuckOnTheFence)
2 kids (14 & 12)
D day #1 1/20/11
D day #2 1/28/11
I am seeking, I am striving
I am in it with all my heart.

Posts: 602 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Missouri
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning, I didn't have the emotional space to be in awe of FWH's bravery when he chose to stay and work through the damage to our M while also healing himself. It took time for me to be able to appreciate his choice, but I am grateful. It would have been so much easier in the short term for him to have run away from all of it.

I'm also grateful to the FWS here. You all have been models of remorse for both of us and our best understanding of each other and the impact of all this has come from posts made in this forum, even moreso the further we are out from D-day.

We never would have gotten where we are, though, if FWH hadn't chosen to work on himself first. That decision ultimately opened the door to R.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning, I didn't have the emotional space to be in awe of FWH's bravery when he chose to stay and work through the damage to our M while also healing himself. It took time for me to be able to appreciate his choice, but I am grateful.

Fighting2Survive, I think this is a really good point, and one that really should be touched on. It takes a while into R to be able to even look at this, as a WS or a BS. When a WS is spouting nonsensical bullshit in the days following the explosion of d-day like "Well, I CHOSE you!" or "I'm here, aren't I?" It's completely counter-productive and wrong. It is only with consistent action and remorse that I am able to say with a modicum of pride, "Hey, I choose this path, too."

my $.02


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
notthesum
Member
Member # 16172
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an incredible post. Thank you so much for posting this! I think too many WS get caught up in the panic and guilt and shame and don't really sit down and consider what they really want. Some immediately run away out of fear w/o really considering everything. I stayed. I stayed in a toxic, terrible situation for far longer than I should have because I felt that I owed it to him, that it was my penance, that I would forever be labeled a dirty, rotten tramp that destroyed my BS then left him. I will regret my affair till my dying day. I will regret what I allowed to happen after my affair even more.

You do have a choice. You have to own your own choices, and the devastation that occurs because of it. But please remember that you do not deserve abuse, you are still worthy of love and respect. Understand that a lack of boundaries is a fundamental ingredient in an affair and the first step to overcoming that thought process is to set boundaries, sometimes even with your BS.


Time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time that heals..or doesn't.

I'm not almost 40. I'm $19.99 plus shipping and handling. And insurance.

Sometimes, the person you would take a bullet for is the one holding the gun.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Rocky Mountains
WhiistleSt0p
♀ Member
Member # 29762
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I had the choice to stay, and I didn't. It was obvious to me that since he did not want IC or MC, and I did, that he was choosing for us to continue the path from before the A.

I decided that no matter what, I was going to get to the bottom of my problems, but I needed to do it away from his abuse. I needed to shut out the AP and do my own work. XBH wanted to rugsweep my A, and I knew my problems were much deeper than the A. I knew he would not support my decision to go to IC, thinking 'we do not need others to help us.' He wanted to keep it all hush-hush, and I wanted to go to counseling even though we lived in a small town. He said no. After he did damage to our home and physically attacked me 3 times, the last of which I kicked him finally, and made him leave, I began my healing.

I could not help my XBH heal, because he was still my source of pain. My story is different than most I see here, but I do believe that back then if he had enough humility to allow us to seek professional help, and quit putting his ego on a pedestal to respect me eventually, we could have had a chance.

He kept trying to bargain with me to 'come back' later. D-Day was only a week old and he was 'making deals' with me to 'let me go' for awhile 'as long as I ended up with' him.

I look back now at all the control he had in the relationship for so many years, and it just broke him apart on so many levels..and that was a way for him to make 'a deal' to get his power back. I think he just didn't want to face his co-workers and friends if I left him.

I totally agree that going for D was an easier 'quick' option, but I have paid a steep price over the years. I still do not think we would have survived, even if I hadn't had the affair. I do wonder if he had agreed to get IC and MC if he would have ever let go his anger, bitterness and control issues, and become the man I had married all those years ago - well, that's a rabbit trail I don't need to keep beating myself up with.

My WH may have called an old AP gf from a previous marriage, but he has never left a mark on me, nor ever, ever EVER raised his hand to me.


I wish you peace, and calm moments, a perfect flower bloom or ray of sunshine. Allow pieces of joy to warm you on the inside, and put one foot in front of the other.

Me: BS 53/FWW 2001- in my prev M
Him: WH 65
OW: 64 (Phone calls for high sch


Posts: 1782 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: OKC
frazandme
♀ Member
Member # 27510
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, trytoforgive. You have reminded me - a BS - that I am at least in a place where I can appreciate, respect and absorb this perspective. I need to vist the "other side of the fence" more often.


BW - Me - 42
WH - Him - 40
OW - close friend/neighbor 5 yrs
DDay - 11-9-2009
Married - 10 yrs, together 16
R - a jagged climb

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: South Carolina
Topic Posts: 85
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