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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dear Remorseful WSes… It's your choice, too...
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alexa,

I know this isn't your quote but it made me think. What was the purpose for this WH to point out to his BW the fact that he chose to stay?

Here's the God's honest truth. If my H and I ever get to the other side of this shit-pile together, whole, healed, and still married, I am going to FREAK out if the words, "Look at all the work I did to keep this marriage together after the hell she put us through.

A lot of this has to do with pre-A issues. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my H fucked a 22 year old child in revenge, 9 months after d-day, and, in the beginning, I believed I deserved it. I know that not everyone deals with the same dynamics in their marriages, and so, you are right, it is, right now, about my recovery. About my struggles. And honestly, it is about the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror today and like who I am and what I see.

I think that for this WS, (the quoted WS), they were far enough out that when his BW was standing in front of a group of people talking about how her generosity and benevolence saved their marriage, he just wanted to maybe remind her that marriage takes 2 people- no matter who has to forgive more sins in the marriage. (Does that make sense?)

Then... honestly... this triggered me:

I had to be willing to rip open my own wounds and, in the process, stab my H with every word, with every touch, with every encounter that I shared with my AP. That was disgustingly hard for me (as I’m sure it is for all of us).

My first thought was... "Wow... you think that was hard for YOU? What about HIM?!" Of course, this isn't about him though. This is about you working through your issues. Of course it was hard for you too...

God... I totally get this. And you are right, I know it was unbearable for him, and this is where being a little bit further out and having a lot of empathy comes in. It is really really really fucking hard to say the words. To get out the most horrible, disgusting things you've ever done and spill them to the person that you vowed to be faithful to until death. I know that each time I spilled the truth, I stabbed him one more time (not TT after a couple of days. He could only bear a little bit at a time). God.. Writing that just brought tears to my eyes... So, can you imagine, not only having to hear the words and feel the pain, but ALSO having to be the one that SAYS the words, knowing that you have to kill them before you can heal them... I have the unique ability to see both sides of this (Also being a BS), but I'm telling you, for me, being a WS is harder. (Again, FOR ME) And that's the fucking truth.

My point is that, it would have been way easier for me to leave. Maybe not for him, but for me. I had spent the previous 2 years of my life being a selfish asshole. What was one more nail in the coffin? It would have been easier to not have to say the words. To just call it a marriage and go on my way. But I chose honesty. I wasn't used to that. I chose honesty (sometimes to a fault). He would ask a question and I would expand, and he would have to stop me- only wanting to digest a little at a time.

I was punished quite often for my honesty, and I was ok. My skin was getting thicker by the minute until one time I said, "You have to stop. If you want to discuss with me what is on your mind right now, I am 100% willing to talk, but having my sins used to verbally flog me is NOT working- for either of us." Being called a fucking whore was not good for our recovery, as I saw it (at least not after 8 months of me being 1000% remorseful and vulnerable and honest and transparent).

Wow... that was ridiculously long...

I don't have a lot of hope for my marriage right now, but I have a tremendous amount of hope for me. I have taken my H as far as I can take him. All I can do is hope to God that he wants to heal sometime soon. He has a rough time communicating and taking responsibility, and I want authenticity. I want to live a genuine life. And so I do. And I am learning how to live more and more authentically every day. Because I choose to do that. I choose to be here, too. And I am a much healthier mom, sister, friend, wife, daughter, because of my journey- no matter what destination is in store.

(((Alexa)))

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 2:28 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
veravixen
♀ New Member
Member # 33463
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great timely post, it's my choice too


living in hell
-----------------------------
WS(me) 24
BS(him) 35
DDay 8/23/2011
No kids
Status: in R

Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: China
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently, I need to remind myself of this today...


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
OktoberMest
♀ Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes a while into R to be able to even look at this, as a WS or a BS. When a WS is spouting nonsensical bullshit in the days following the explosion of d-day like "Well, I CHOSE you!" or "I'm here, aren't I?" It's completely counter-productive and wrong. It is only with consistent action and remorse that I am able to say with a modicum of pride, "Hey, I choose this path, too."

Agreed. I cringe now as I remember myself saying stuff like this to my BH very soon in R...like that would help!

I can only speak from a personal view, but I know that at the start of R I didn't really feel the gift of R. I was still so foggy I knew I ought to feel amazed by the fact my BH had offered me R, but I felt nothing back then. I wanted to feel something and thought that I didn't was so awful, that so nearly made me leave the M by itself.

But I didn't. Even fogged up to the hilt something in me made me stay. I didn't want to be labelled a cheat for ever. I didn't want my BH to remember that as me. I knew I could be better and stop this cycle from happening again and I somehow knew I had to deal with these issues, even though at the time I was heftily denying that I even had issues to sort out.... Urgh I look back and see exactly how much shite I was spewing to him.

I have admitted this to my BH too. At the very start, I stayed out of duty. I felt I owed it to him to stay, even though I had no idea what I needed. I knew I wanted to run as far away as I possibly could and hide from this whole sorry mess forever. I knew I couldn't live with myself if I did that. So I chose to stay.

I didn't recognise the choice then. I felt the duty and I felt trapped. I didn't try at R at all, I was a dead weight to him. I was a constant reminder of the person that hurt him and my lack of energy towards R must have been a kick in the nuts at every turn.

But soon, as time went on, I could see the man I loved. The fog started to clear and reading on here helped. Anyone who saw my first posts here must have seen that I was so uncomfortable posting. It was part of the conditions set out by my BH for R to happen that I read and write here daily to start with. I hated it to start. I just saw it as I tool to rub my nose in what I had done. I can't believe I thought that. My BH stuck with it and luckily so did I. SI has been a great aid for our and specifically my healing process to start and continue. He's a much wiser man than I ever gave him credit for.

So I know there's a HUGE difference for the BS that hears "Well, I'm here aren't I? I chose to stay" or that hears "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to R. I accept this gift and chose to take you up on this. I will work my ass of for our M. I will work my ass of to heal myself. I chose to by a better person. I chose to be a better wife."

That's my choice now. And I know he appreciates that. I know he also thinks I simply have chosen to do what I said I'd do on the day we got married anyway. But now I really know the extra stuff I have to do to make those choices really happen for us.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice post MrsLonelyHusband. Just for that I'm going to get up and make you breakfast.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump... Because I need it.


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
dawn10275
♀ Member
Member # 35633
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for bumping this. I needed it also.

[This message edited by dawn10275 at 3:14 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)]


WS aren't the only ones that lie and hurt others.

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Ohio
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
starstruck
♀ Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the bump--I needed to read this today.


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an excellent post. Too often many of the pre-affair issues never get addressed or at least not for a really long time - a marriage is a party of two - not an event with two participants.

Too often I see pre-affair crap brushed under the rug as insignificant compared to the affair.

WS choose to stay and work hard - for which in return they should receive the same commitment.


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A wise person recently told me that processing pain, riding the roller coaster, and triggering, is nothing more than thinking about it from different angles, different perspectives. Thank you for writing this post. It gives me yet another perspective and is exactly why I keep visiting SI.

I agree recovery may be the easier option for some WS's who don't do the work. This is not the case for my wife and you. I think this topic takes recovery to the next level where thoughts are no longer just about the BS. I need to start thanking my wife for the emotionally hard work she has been doing to support our recovery.

[This message edited by still-living at 3:53 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a lot of hope for my marriage right now, but I have a tremendous amount of hope for me. I have taken my H as far as I can take him. All I can do is hope to God that he wants to heal sometime soon. He has a rough time communicating and taking responsibility, and I want authenticity. I want to live a genuine life.

I think it's admirable the work you've done and that you want to live an authentic life.

What jumped out to me in this post is "I have taken my H as far as I can take him." I believe you mean, as far as he can go in his healing with your help.

But as a BS I also read that and think -- you've also taken him on this ride (by having an affair) that he never wanted to go on nor deserved to go on... so it seems hard to criticize him implicitly for not healing all the way.

I'm sure he wants authenticity too. Is his pain now inauthentic? I imagine he was living an authentic life with you (I don't know) by being faithful and was cheated on. He may be feeling destroyed and that he can't invest more in the marriage. That just may be his truth.

I would agree he should communicate that and take responsibility for that truth (like end if his heart can't be in R). It may be he's just not there yet. But what put him there aren't just his own personal failings -- but the situation of having been betrayed.


Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.

Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What jumped out to me in this post is "I have taken my H as far as I can take him." I believe you mean, as far as he can go in his healing with your help.

But as a BS I also read that and think -- you've also taken him on this ride (by having an affair) that he never wanted to go on nor deserved to go on... so it seems hard to criticize him implicitly for not healing all the way.

Squiffle,

My story is a little more complicated in that he had several RAs an admitted to "one time cheating" events throughout the course of our marriage. Because my A was with a friend, he believed I was worse, and I took responsibility for his actions for a long time. I accepted that I was worse- until I didn't anymore.

His pain is authentic- definitely- which is why I have taken him as far as I can. I, like many other BSes here, had to heal from the pain of his cheating without him.

I dealt with a horrible marriage by having an affair. He dealt with his pain the same way. It is what it is.

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 8:15 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)]


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I'm sorry. Wearing both hats, WS and BS is the worst place to be.

The M doesn't sound like a good place for either one of you to be. Sometimes letting go is the kindest thing you can do. Clearly your BH should have done that before he had RAs.


Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.

Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west
notthesum
Member
Member # 16172
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too often I see pre-affair crap brushed under the rug as insignificant compared to the affair.

WS choose to stay and work hard - for which in return they should receive the same commitment.

Yes. This.

I won't start a debate on which sins are worse. They are all sins against the person you are supposed to love and cherish above all others.
But there are many, many other sins that occur in a marriage/relationship. Being that this is a website that deals with infidelity, most of the time, other transgressions aren't discussed. And they shouldn't be, as that isn't what this site is for.

It is a tightrope that must be walked.
Healing from the infidelity and healing from things that happened long before the infidelity.


Time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time that heals..or doesn't.

I'm not almost 40. I'm $19.99 plus shipping and handling. And insurance.

Sometimes, the person you would take a bullet for is the one holding the gun.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Rocky Mountains
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing from the infidelity and healing from things that happened long before the infidelity.
definitely a tight rope and a minefield as well..if R is the goal, eventually both parties gotta deal with the pre-A issues. That's where we are now and man, it's tough. We rugswept and avoided conflict for so long that now, we don't even know where to begin...


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
1day@athyme
♀ New Member
Member # 33895
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A reminder to myself that my voice counts, too.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2011
thegooddokta
♀ Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH/WH and I were having an argument recently where he was once again presenting me with ultimatums...."you do ---------or I'll file for D". This was standard fare for our arguments. One day it occurred to me that I was also cheated on with his RA and I too have a choice to make. So I said so, "You're not the only one with a decision to make here...you're not the only one who has a choice to make about being in this marriage". I honestly think he was taken aback, as if R or D was soley his decision. Since this realization we have been communicating much differently and have begun MC, where the issue of us both having a choice once again surfaced. I do not want to work on a marriage where I will be forever punished. If there is no room for repair and forgiveness I would not chose to stay. Clarifying that we both have choices was an important step in us both recognizing we wanted to see if this could be fixed.


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I SERIOUSLY needed this post.
I have been feeling badly. Dday antiversary, son having issues, work having issues, going back to old hometown...and where LTA occurred,medically having issues ect ect

I have been sad and caught up in the old feeling of betrayal and hurt.......whenever I feel bad thes feelings bring back dday......I think I must be related to Pavlov's dog...... Anyway I have been telling my FWS how bad I am feeling and in doing so I have been making unkind and "snarky" comments in reference to the A's.......

This post gave me the 2x4 I needed to wake up......Yikes....Am I stupid....I don't want or need to be the "victim"......how about appreciating what I have NOW....and appreciating the fact that Mr Rollercoaster has worked hard to change some horrible life long coping skills.....and he is NOT that person anymore.....and I need to appreciate thsi not just for him but for me and us and our family.


Thank you Mr. Rollercoaster....I have been a little(well maybe alot bitchy lately) think I will buy or make you a card along with dinner to let you know I APPRECIATE YOU!!!!!

Yes, me, your wife(a FORMER bs) appreciates YOU ( a FORMER ws)

Thanks SI/posters I appreciate you as well!

[This message edited by rollercoaster80 at 11:09 AM, August 4th (Saturday)]


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
Escape artist
♀ Member
Member # 34804
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes i am the BS, and i have offered him the gift of R. But also, I will be forever grateful that my fWS has hung in here, with me, with us, even when things have been bloody awful.....
I have tried time and time again to push him away, to say I deserve better, to tell him to go and just f...k his girlfriends. To see if he would stay, cause I was scared to believe him again. I was too traumatized to allow myself to believe for a long time.

But he hasn't. He is still here. He has held me thru numerous terrible nights, where I have turned into someone I no longer recognize. When I have been ashamed he has told me not to apologize, that he has created this mess.....he has comforted me when I have drunk too much, when anxiety has taken over, when I have hated my life. He has helped me find support.
He still wants us to work. He loves me, no matter how crazy and bitter and unloveable I have shown myself to be.
I know that if he wasn't willing to commit to this hard choice that is R, and all that that entails....I would be evn more heartbroken.

Yes he stuffed up. Badly. Over and over. But he is still willing to bare his most shameful secrets and let me see just how much he was damaged.
I always remember that if he just chose to cut and run because it was easier......well....I would probably be committed!!!!
If he just left without trying, I would have lost the chance to spend the rest of my life with the man that I adore, that I want to grow old with, that I love with all my heart. So even though I do thank him for being here and giving us a chance, its probably not near enough times, so I will say it again....
Thank you my love for believing that our love was strong enough to get though this.
Thank you for believing that my love for you would be able to forgive what you had become, and what you did.
But mostly, thank you for being with me, and helping me every day to get through this, even when you are still not sure if your belief will be enough.
I love you.


I gave you enough rope to hang yourself.
Me BS 48
Him WS 54
False DDay 06/02/12
3 simultaneous EA's
Multiple DDays thru till 16th April 2012
Disclosed PA 16th April 2012
Reality- alot sicker than I realized .......

Posts: 202 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
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