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Betrayed Spouse S.T. D. Support

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gutpunch33 posted 8/21/2012 07:58 AM

Aside from the anger, depression, embarrassment of having Herpes, I'm not sure it does much to change the status of our relationships. We are definitely working to R, she has been exceptionally open, honest and truthful through all of this and show HUGE remorse for having made the mistake.

Now, I feel bad bringing it up to her this morning. She's struggling just to get out of bed because she "hates herself". I know that me bringing it up causes her thoughts of self loathing all over again.

We start MC today at 1:45. She's already in IC as am I. Is there any more benefit to me bringing it up again? If she has it, she has it. Any thoughts on me dropping the subject?

CallMeRed posted 8/21/2012 11:15 AM

The anger, depression and embarrassment will improve. It's a very common thing, much more than you would imagine before you look it up. I've seen estimates of between 20 and 40% of Americans having HSV2. I don't know if this helps at all, but if you Google it you would find a load of information. I would say deal with your marriage and R as a priority and if the herpes is a part of it it can be dealt with when necessary.

But please see my other post about thrush etc as well.

Good luck.

CallMeRed posted 8/23/2012 07:54 AM

WH is at the hospital getting his second HIV test even as I type.

Today's been a bit of a stresser. It's exactly 3 months since his ONS.

coastofsomewhere posted 8/23/2012 11:22 AM

Did anyone suffering from BV also have lower abdomen and lower back pain?

CallMeRed posted 8/24/2012 04:11 AM

coast, if you are worried at all about any sypmptoms please do get yourself checked out. Lower abdominal/back pain can be a symptom of many things, but only a proper examination will give you a definite diagnosis.

whatnow8 posted 8/24/2012 19:03 PM

There aren't words to describe how furious I am right now!
This week I found out that the pain that has been slowly increasing for the last few years is arthritis. Who knew it could be an STD? WTH?!? Do the consequence I suffer because of him not keeping his dick where it belongs ever end?!!!!!!

CallMeRed posted 8/25/2012 06:33 AM

I had no idea arthritis could be a STD. You poor thing

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/25/2012 22:27 PM


Can you elaborate on Arthritis as STD??

kchip posted 8/27/2012 11:39 AM

Just got the news. HSV antibodies detected. 6.0. So, I have herpes. WW says she gets her results in 10 days.

I insisted that my doctor or a more specific tests to determine HSV 1 or 2. Results in 2 days.

This is all so surreal, I am not mad yet but I am sure I will be.

btl1980 posted 8/27/2012 19:20 PM

kchip, i'm so sorry to hear your news. hang in there. i wish i could offer more comforting words, but having been there myself, just know you can say and feel anything you want to everyone here. we're all in the same boat.

ShellyBean2012 posted 8/27/2012 20:18 PM

I am worried about my HPV test in a month. My doctor is waiting to give me this one since I have my well-woman exam then anyway. But I was already diagnosed with herpes in June.

I'm sad enough to be facing being a single woman dating again, but knowing I'll have to tell some man something so embarrassing and personal is just beyond me right now.

I'm so sorry any of us have to deal with this.

soverybetrayed posted 8/27/2012 22:57 PM

To every one here...I am so very very sorry that you joined this club. I too discovered that my cheating xwh gave me Herpes. I kept asking him if he had ever been with anyone during our marriage and he kept lying to me. When I asked him if I needed to be tested he told me "not on my end you don't". I came up positive 2 months after I left him and my antibodies were 5.0 which the doctor said I had had it for years.

I have just had my second outbreak in 1 year and I discovered that I have been having the same issue for quite a few years but I always thought it was caused by an ingrown hair. This time knowing I am positive I did more checking and it is Herpes. I have had these for at least 5 years but never knew or even suspected that it could be Herpes. I am so pissed at the scum bucket. In court he tried to say that I must have cheated on him to get it. Yet he was posting crossdressing pics and messaging men on disgusting websites. I never had the time or desire to cheat and I wasn't posting pics of me on the fracken filthy internet sites.

I really want to rip him a new one but instead I will suffer in silence and not poke the bear. I hate that I am paying for his cheating for the rest of my life. I really hope he has a major break out and it hurts sooooooo bad!! He is an unremorseful serial cheater.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/27/2012 23:09 PM


It is so unfair that the innocents in this always seem to pay the heaviest price.

starlightsky posted 8/28/2012 11:11 AM

I was with my commonlaw husband 8 yrs. I had red flags of online sex chats & some txt messages from girls he worked with. He apologized, I didn't find any evidence to show he had sex or met with them so all was great. Till last year I found out he had an affair & I began to have what I felt was a yeast infection. But unfortunately for me after we separated 2 months later I found out I had HPV. Not only had I had it for quit sometime, but bc I thought we were both faithful & had no health insurance bc of our limited income, I let my regular paps go undone for yrs. Well I regret that bc now I have cervical cancer where I need chemo & a hysterectomy. I've tried other treatments this past year of surgeries & biopsies that r painful, but since its progressed, I need to have a hysterectomy. He is a narcissist. He refused to hear he gave it to me as I was always faithful. He abandoned our family & I. Never got closure, remorse, or accountability, or an apology. Being with a narcissist is aweful. These men once confronted & exposed leave u in the cruelest way. They become a person u don't recognize. U feel crazy. So I'm doing the best I can to come to terms with a lot. I pray to god soo much. It's the hardest reality I've had to face in my life.

painpaingoaway posted 8/28/2012 11:17 AM

Well I regret that bc now I have cervical cancer where I need chemo & a hysterectomy.

I am so sorry starlight.

((((starlight sky)))

CallMeRed posted 8/28/2012 11:33 AM

I am really sorry for everyone who has had recent positive test results.

starlightsky I don't know what to say. I hope your treatment works out okay. ((hug))

Waiting@home posted 8/28/2012 12:01 PM

Please look on-line for facts to help you through this. Oftentimes your doctor will not have as much information as you can discover by doing some research. Here are a few helpful links on the topic:

Waiting@home posted 8/28/2012 12:13 PM

Yes, having herpes can be frightening at first. Society tells us that individuals with this virus must be promiscuous. The virus is openly mocked on television sit-coms and mentioned by stand-up comedians routinely nowadays. The public is largely uneducated; as the virus is quite common, and many are unaware they are infected. In fact, most reports that I have read claim that 20 percent or more in the USA are infected.

I have had the virus over twenty years, but test negative. I havenít broken out in about five years. At first I broke out four times annually. Over time the symptoms dissipated. Initially I would break out if I had inadequate sleep or experienced extreme stress. Now I can go a couple of days with no sleep and complete an entire divorce and not breakout. I learned to overcome stress. The body is resilient!
Normally you will experience a sensation, called the prodome, before a breakout; you will come to recognize this. It generally is experienced during the 24 hours prior to the sore appearing. You will probably get the sore in the same place or area each time. It is most likely to be spread during this first episode, so if you touch it, be careful not to spread it to other parts of your body, especially your eyes, and wash your hands thoroughly after touching the lesion. Also, when experiencing an active breakout I advise that you do not sleep in the nude, this way you will not accidentally scratch the lesion and touch your eyes or other parts of the body in your sleep. There are drugs available to help prevent outbreaks. At first, I took some of the suppressant drugs, but once I discovered that the breakouts didnít happen all that often and that the drugs didnít seem to shorten the duration by more than a couple of days, I decided not to take them. Your experience may be totally different and the drugs have probably changed since the early 90s as well. I would consider taking them to make my partner more at ease and to lessen the chance of spreading the virus.

Itís scary wondering how often the breakouts will occur and how long they take to heal. Mine usually take about ten days to heal.

If you chose to divorce and have Herpes, please do not think this is the end of your sex life. There are others who will love you and want to be intimate with you. You will have a new set of guidelines to follow:

Be honest. Date the person for awhile, before breaking the news. You donít need to unzip your soul and spill your guts on the first few dates; after all, this person is a stranger to you. Once you have determined that you enjoy this new person and they enjoy you, and the person you are dating is trying to heat things up, slow it all down by telling them that you do not have sex for 90 days at least, because you want to get to know them better. If they donít respect this, then they are not for you. Way before the 90 days is up, you should tell that you have herpes. Youíll know when the time is right. When they start getting attached to you, itís time. It would be unfair to let them fall madly in love with you and then dispense this information. In the case of online dating, I have been known to just blurt out the news to a potential date. The results were surprising. You see, eHarmony has a series of questions that can be answered, that appear in a sort of drop down format and are attached to your profile. If your potential date has answered the same questions, then you can compare your answers. Several times, men wrote to me and we made it through the series of back and forth messages before I noticed that they had answered that they would not date someone with an STD. When I later spoke to these men on the phone and said I was not a good match for them due to herpes, I found that only one said it was a deal breaker and then he later wrote to ask me to call if I came to his nearby city so we could go out to dinner. Oddly, one guy told me, ďDarling, herpes doesnít count. Everybody has it. I have it too. I meant that I wouldnít date someone with HIV.Ē I couldnít believe my ears! I found his response to the question to be dishonest, since he had an STD! In the public realm, meeting someone new in person and going on a date, I have found that when I reveal that I have herpes, no one has ever broken off our relationship due to that. In fact, I preface the talk by saying that I have something important to tell them that may alter our relationship and they are relieved to hear it is herpes and not that I want to break-up. So fear not, itís not as bad as you imagine. There will be those who want to get to know you better and those who ultimately are too afraid to have a full and complete sexual relationship with you, but this virus does not have to keep you from finding a significant other.

I will admit that after you have herpes and you do find a significant other, it does make one more reluctant to leave a relationship, because that means going through the whole process and explanation again. It feels safe to stay in the current relationship and hope it gets better.

To all who are new to herpes, hang in there, it gets better in time.

starlightsky posted 8/28/2012 13:45 PM

Thank u for ur hugs & prayers. I really need them(: I struggle to come to terms with the great life with a great love & family I lived for so long becoming a dream. Also the great health I had bc I'm only in my mid 30's. I don't know how I've been doing it to help my kids to deal with the loss of our family, their father, & now my cancer, but god has been my only explaination. It's been 8 months since no contact, but it feels like it happened yesterday sometimes. The worse thing is he got a new girlfriend he met while still trying to keep me on a string saying he loved me but was confused, I found out through a friend he got her pregnant. She is 7 months...i have to admit, while she gives him the life of a new baby, I am having my ability to have children taken honestly is a nightmare, & find it hard not 2 have hate & anger towards him. Soon it will pass I have to believe, I will make it & my life will b better bc there is a better plan for me.

CallMeRed posted 8/30/2012 06:56 AM

Today we called for WHs final set of results and heard that his HIV and Syphillis tests for 3 months after "the event" are negative. What a relief.

CallMeRed posted 8/30/2012 07:01 AM

waiting - that was a superb post. I have only ever had one attack and I fully expected this latest episode to trigger a second one but it seems I am one of those lucky people who isn't going to have another flare up (yet). I have read different %s, I am sure I've read between 20%-40% of adults have some form of herpes infection.

Your post was both informative and well written, thanks for sharing it.

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