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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithful w/Love... I am glad you want to hang out. We have some wonderful folks here that can give you great advice.

Some of us have decided to R, some D, and some still in limbo. I am a strong believer in R or D depending on what you spouse is doing. Too me Limbo = unhappiness.

so he's a cake eater...

What are you doing to get by all this?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I focus on myself and the kids. I detach as much as I can.
I know he is using her as well for gifts and sex. I know he does not want to be with her like in a relationship. said even if we were not together he would not be with her like that. So it now makes me wonder why would you risk me and our family for someone you will not be with. What is she givin him? As told he may need something one day and have to go to her.
I am not sure what the hell. I want my family, I want my wh but then I dont. I dont know. Thinking about it all drives me nuts so right now I think of me and making me better. If we dont make it fine at least I know I tried with all my might and love.
This is not on me. I was willing to stay and wait listening to him and all the crap that was fed to me.
I was blindsided repeatedly.
Now I am getting to understand it all.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi faithful with love.

well folks, I'm in my new apartment. It's very nice. needs some decor and furniture, but I'll get there.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Faithful.

You need to make him go NC or you will never really know what you want and I am afraid you will always feel like you are nuts. Getting over this A shit is very hard even when the WS ends the A.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconcile is when you both decide to make the M work.

I am sure you know when he calls, text the OW, that is not an R. And the things you describe in your post sound like he has not made up his mind. Does he say he wants to be M to you? Ask him Why? and listen.

You can only control yourself and really there is not much you can do to make him want to change.

You must hurt beyond hurt with him telling you this stuff. Know that we care.

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:51 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithful,
Hi, I'm Nell and I'm the 180 queen. Welcome.

Speaking of the 180... have you done it? Really applied yourself to focusing all your energy on YOU? The WS fog will get you all turned around and discombobulated until you don't know which way is up... the 180 gives you a "true north" by keeping you grounded in the only thing you can really KNOW and CONTROL: you. So, I recommend it. Especially in a situation where you're dealing with crazy on a daily basis. That's got to be tough to handle. I hope you're taking care of you!

FWIW, Mr. STBXNell continued his A with his COW after DDay#1 in January 2010. He took his marriage underground when in cubicle-ville because he found out that people at work knew he was banging the office... uh... person, and took his A underground when at home and told me various lies about himself to make him look like he cared about me. He dropped her when I kicked his ass out of the house end of May 2010 because I couldn't stand the mooning. (I didn't know at that time that the A had continued, I just lost my sh!t one night and told him if he couldn't give me 100% then he could leave. It was neither dignified nor planned. But necessary. And empowering. And also scary.) But he was still putting her first, continued to berate me for being "cruel" when I told him to send an NC letter after she tried to contact him a kabillionth time in July 2010, etc. etc. etc. It took me until a few months ago to finally realize that I had been standing at a crossroads and saw the only safe path for me was a D. So here I am, two years after DDay#1, having grown a lot and regained (surpassed, actually) my strength and I'm finally ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

Two years. And I'm a pretty smart cookie.

So I understand your pain, your confusion and your desire to make sense of the past 2+ years. You'll get there. Don't rush it. But you do need to do some hard work. You need to find some hobbies that make you happy, you need to make some friends who understand you, you need to focus on you. That's 180 logic. You also need to dig around inside yourself to figure out who you are and who you want to be (goals and personal mission statement, for example), and you need to figure out what you need from a marriage and a partner. That's World's Greatest MC logic.

You'll get there. We'll help.

WYE,
At least he's learning and trying to apply what he's learned, right? (How's that for faint praise?) I hope your mom's doing better. The space has got to be better for you!

m3,
More info, please.

dip,
Missed you lately. Whatcha grilled for NYE?

tryn,
You didn't mention Retro... wazzup with that?

miracle and Laura,
Thanks for your kind words. Can I just say that there are times when I am sick to f-ing death of being strong and brave, and I just want my mommy?

Today is a much better day. Mr. STBXNell left this morning, giving me some breathing room. He was in tears upon leaving. I was unmoved. I found out that he had been looking up house rentals yesterday, so that might explain the crying. I did some stuff at work. And now I'm going to fix dinner for the Boyos and myself and then clean the kitchen floor before working on my financials. Yeah, baby. Woot.

ETA: just a bunch of random stuff...

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 6:27 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops

My computer decided to post when I wasn't ready - I was nowhere near finished. I hate it when someone cuts me off mid-sentence!!!

Naughty HP

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:39 AM, December 29th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

Can't cope with going back any more so starting from here

FWL

Hi honey. Welcome. It is so shitty to have to be here but the peeps here are the world's best. You will not find a more FAITHFUL crowd anywhere!!!

They will hold you up when you are down, kick your butt when you need it and best of all cry with you when you are sad.

- Tryn will give you charts to show the way,

- Dip will give you grilling tips,

- DP will help you with the surf and exercise,

- Nell will show you how to 180,

- Allgood and M33 will teach you about new beginnings,

- Miracle and ats will teach you about patience,

- NJgal will barrack for you if you decide to R

- Honest will always have a kind and soothing word

- Ellejay will make you laugh and be a role model for how to detach

- And last but not least our Lurkers will always pop in when least expected but most needed.

So you have come to the best place in the world to help you survive an LTA. We have all BTDT and every one of us is so different. We are all struggling in different ways but we all know what it feels like to be betrayed over a long term and some us have also to deal with multiple OWs/OMs.

So please keep coming. Your sich is awful. We will help you any way we can.

HUGS To all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops
My computer decided to post AGAIN when I wasn't ready

HP - stop being a BITCH!!!!!

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:21 AM, December 29th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again

So nice and quiet her in OZ at night. All you yanks are in bed so I don't have to keep going back to check if I have missed anything!!!!

Nell

You ARE brave honey! I would be proud to be your mommy (and I think I am almost old enough!) But I also know you are sad and frightened so I would hug you and hug you and hug you until you complained that I was hurting.

HUGS

M33

So good to hear from you honey. More news would be great.

UK

Hope you are coping as best you can with this awful time and that your FWH is being what he should be.

Strong

How are you sweetie? Hope your kiddos are safe and well.

At Laura's Place

FWH says most days most of these:

I am sorry
I will never do it again
I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you
I love you.

So why do I still feel like shit most days. Ahhhhh...... time you say. Well I hope that's all it takes because I am so F'ing over feeling like this!!!!

On a lighter note the FDs and FCs have had lots and lots and lots - did I say LOTS of babies!!!!!! You may recall I told you we have an incubator and a hatcher. I have lost count now but we have LOTS of new FDs and FCs. I don't know what the F.... he plans to do with them all!!!???? His trips to the feed store are becoming more frequent and he looks pained when I call the FDs "Pigs with wings" and FC's "Rats with wings". (God I CAN be a bitch at times but they STINCK!!!! We have the incubators and the hatcher in the house and the baby pens on the verandah and the house is developing a very distinctive odour. Ewwwww!!!

So I will show you a picture of the baby FDs. Then you can all say I am being a bitch because they are SOOOOOOO cute. Trust me the first couple or dozen are but after that it becomes ..... well f'ing annoying!!!!

Yes they are cute. I know. But the baby FCs are cuter - and don't stink as much!. Unfortunately I don't have any pics of them!!!

Tomorrow I hope to get to this year's butterflies.

Stay tuned.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Laura
FWH says most days most of these:

I am sorry
I will never do it again
I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you
I love you.

I got all that too. It's good. Now can you be happy?

Can't wait to see the butterflies...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for replying.
Man, I can not believe I am not alone in a LTA. It brings peace to me to know that I am not alone in this shit.
I have done the 180 and getting better at it. It takes alot to detach and be alone in home when they are there.
On a good note, I have noticed again NO I mean NO texting. He has been off work and has been home with me and the kids, spends more and more time with me and all that. Could be anything however, so I dont put to much into it.
When we fight, he will say, its all messed up and it is not your fault, but I dont think we are going to make it. And No dont think I will be with her, she is a whore, blah blah blah.... I just look at him and say Do you know what it is like to listen to this as a wife? about another female? WTF?

What I truly think to be honest is I feel that he feels that he fucked up so bad that it will never be good again. He even says we will never be the same. I reply no we wont but we could be better but you have to put 100% into. I can't make a marriage by myself.

I will tell you this OW wont stop. He tells her friends only now and she wants more. I said then why are you engaging her? Stop all contact with her and she will go away. She will not want to be just friends with you. What is it that you are thinking? All woman want a man to be theirs, I told you from the get go what this bitch was up to and you wouldn't listen now look at us.

So I am just trying to live life for me and the kids. I am civial to him and kind until I get a trigger, then boom. I am not sure what will happen but I know I will be just fine.

Can I ask you all something, could he be in withdrawls? And how do I know? I know for a fact he has not seen her in weeks. And like I said the text there has been none for two days. It was bad on Christmas. I think she might of flipped out on him. HAHAHA....

I am blabbing .... sorry.
Thank you all again.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

You need to get some turkeys next. They would fit right in with the FC & FDs. If you want to cover up the bad smell get some pigs. They will make you forget all about the odor of the FC & FDs.

Nell.

I am grilling a pizza or meatloaf for NYE and a turkey for 1/1/12. Ribs tonite. No rest for the grill.

m3.

Nell wants more info, please.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33-
did your FWH move with you as well? or are you on your own?
did your house sell?
how are you feeling about things?

Nell-glad to hear that you are feeling so strong

Faithful- You're getting some good advice here.
If your WH is still seeing the OW then you are not in R.
Nell is right-180. Read up on it un the Healing Library.

Laura-
remember... he had his turn to make decisions about the marriage and he ran it into a ditch.
now..it's your turn to decide what works for you and your marriage.
If the ducks and chicks are not enhancing your life then they need to go!
It's not all about him anymore..
Now you both have a chance to recreate your marriage- you are giving him a 'do-over '(as we say in the U.S.)

Your FWH is saying all the right things but...is he acting in the way that you need?

So... with the coming new year..what does reconciliation look like to you? what do you want?
If you need more romance...tell him. If you need him to change jobs to get away from all the OW...then he should start the search for a new job.

In a perfect world...what does reconciliation look like to you?

(sorry about that. I had double clicked and combined two posts somehow...it's fixed now...I think.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:46 PM, December 29th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell is right

Just because it bears repeating.

oh... Lord... I slay me.

Laura,
You made me go weepy. <3


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first: laura...love how you have us all pegged in one way or another... ...i totally smiled reading about "us"

second the fd's...they are cute, as long as they are not in my house...so no i dont think you are a bitch, you are human, maybe if you were a duck it might be different, and you might like all that company, but for us humans....well, i like visitin them at SOMEONE elses place...usually a farm or a zoo of some sort or at least at the park


faithful: wow....take a deep breath, a really really deep breath

you could only believe what you see and nothing else, words mean nothing and actions mean everything...and he needs to go "nc" or your marriage will never stand a chance and this hon is not optional....and until he does i am so sorry but you have no marriage but merely a situation with which you are living waiting and waiting.....he's made enough decisions on his own i would say, this is YOUR decision, not his....he needs to choose...that part belongs to him and if he chooses you, she has to go PERMAMENTLY!!!!!NO CONTACT of any kind!!!!


m3: you can't just drop in and give us an appetizer, and not even a complete appetizer....hell its the holidays we want the whole kitkaboodle.....so spill it sister!!!


sending much love and hugs to everyone else...

((((tribe))))

oh and dp: it really sucks when we know who they are and still expect to see different.....what we know and what we want dont always match do they...isnt it amazing how we still want to see "change"((((dp)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - time for my butterflies

Those of you who were here last summer will recall I spent some time helping along our Monarchs.

For those who weren't:

I spotted lots of butterflies last summer for the first time in years. I read up on the internet - I was a BF dummy - and learnt that 90% of eggs in the wild do not survive but 90% do when helped.

So I tried to help. It was great fun feeding them, watching them pupate and then hatch:

These are some pics of my monarchs from last year. I was lucky to see them pupate and hatch. Most amazing thing I have ever seen. Pupating (from caterpillar to pupa takes about 20 secs - truly wondrous!!!!!)

At the end of the season I found a different type of pupa. Internet helped me identify it so we have grown some plants they like and I have seen about two dozen caterpillars which have now transformed into pupae.

I have included some pics of the butterflies I saw last year but none have hatched this year yet.

So... butterfly report complete

Have a nice day/evening night my friends

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:29 PM, December 29th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle
oh and dp: it really sucks when we know who they are and still expect to see different.....what we know and what we want dont always match do they...isnt it amazing how we still want to see "change"

So true but she's not capable or willing - her pride is toooooo big

Laura - follow dips advice & you will have
FD's, FC's, FP's, FT's


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: Thank you for sharing those pics of the baby FDs!!! It really made me smile!! The butterflies are beautiful too! I know the FDs and the FCs drive you crazy, but I remember you said something about WH needed something to keep himself occupied? Is there any way that the two of you can find some other activity or hobby that you can both share??
What kind words you posted about me, I needed to hear that!

Welcome to our little corner of SI, Faithful. I know how you feel. It is very hard to have to deal with a WS that still is in contact one way or another with the OP. Unfortunately, unless there is NC with the OP, R cannot take place.

{{{{{DP}}}} How much you must hurt that WW went out on Christmas! I know how I felt when first xWH went out on Thanksgiving night and Christmas Eve even before DDay. I felt that not even one day with the kids could they give!! I hope you are making plans for your escape. Document all of this behavior, so perhaps it might help with custody later on.

Nell: My heart goes out to you. Is WH leaving just temporary or is this it? I know you are filing, but is this when he is leaving? It's such a hard transition, but you are doing great and keep coming here and vent.

M3: Tell us more about what happened. I know you were talking about selling the house, but didn't say anything about moving to an apartment. We're worried about you!

Miracle: It's good to see you. I'm so proud and happy for you and what you have accomplished!! It will be a bright New Year for you.

WYE: Hang in there. I am codependent too with my mother whom I thought was a BPD, but now am realizing that she has many NPD traits also. I don't think any of those traits go by themselves. There is NOTHING you can do or say to fix her. NOTHING. I've spent almost my whole adult life trying to help/fix my mother and her problems, but she is a bottomless pit of need. It can never be filled and you can NEVER do enough.

I was just told by the Social Worker in the Physical Rehab where Mom is that it is recommended that she stay in a long term facility. Of course, Mom is blaming me and saying I talked them into this, etc etc. <sigh>

Npd is ok.... As Miracle was saying, it's hard to give up hope that they would be who we thought they were.... I really thought that once upon a time NPD did have some compassion and caring. Someone who could help me right now. All I got instead when he came home was that I haven't been doing a good enough job as a mother and that my kids are not my priority. Lovely.

I have to start putting my plans into effect. So tired and beaten down.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, December 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honest

BIG HUGS.

You have such a good memory honey.

Yes FWH needs his obsessions. He has always had them. When he gets interested in something it becomes an obsession.

I was his obsession for the first few years of our M.

Then he had pigeons, FDs, FCs and (yes!!!! Dip BTDT!) even FTs and rabbits (but no FPs). We also had FGs (prize for who guesses first!). Way back then we had incubators and hatchers.

Then he lost interest and we got rid of all the poultry. Then he became interested in Percheron horses. So we bought two mares and talked forever about breeding with them.

Then he became obsessed with fishing. We bought every rod and reel known to man and several canoes and boats.

Then we began breeding racehorses. We did that for about 12 years and nearly went broke. I have vivid memories of coming home from work, feeding 20+ horses, looking after kids in the evening while he was at work and then getting up at 5.00am to help serve a mare before packing the kids up for school and going off to work again. Much of my anger comes from knowing that when I left for work in the morning he went to his whores before starting work at 2.30 in the afternoon.

Then he became obsessed with his trip around Australia when he retires. This was his focus for about 5 years. He spent hours talking about campervans, writing endless lists of things to take and even bought lots of bit and pieces for the trip. I now also know he spent hours each week on the phone to OW1 (18 years ago) talking about his trip right up until dday.

So NJ

I just don't know. He has his little obsessions and sometimes they piss me off. eg Yesterday I suggested we meet for coffee in town after he finished work. Initially he said yes but then apologised saying he couldn't - needed to do some shit for the FDs.

I know he needs his little obsessions. His life is relatively boring. His job is being a shit kicker, gofer for nurses. Not terribly exciting.

For years he had King pigeons. He spent hours breeding, reading about breeding etc. Two+ years ago he was in the middle of a major building project - beautiful pens for his pigeons. Suddenly he seemed to lose interest and the pens went untouched for months. I asked him why one day and he said he had lost interest. I now know that this was when he started with OW3.

So. My FWH gets obsessed with stuff - and OWs

He always has to have something. I have always tried to be interested and supportive. I have listened for hours to talk about ... whatever. I have looked up stuff on the internet for him, made phones calls, bought him books, and helped him when I could.

Thinking back I believe that he is very "needy". He always feels as though he is missing something. I have tried to tell him but he just doesn't seem to get it. He always seems to want more or something bigger or better.

I have tried to tell him how well off we are in so many ways. How lucky we are. We have a beautiful home and are OK financially. We can pay the bills for God's sake!!!! So many struggle!!!! But he always seems to think that life could be so much better.

My FWH is someone whose cup is always half empty.

I believe that is why he had his As.

I also am convinced that this is one thing that I cannot help him with. He cannot see it himself. I have tried so often in our M to get him to see this but he just can't.

He went to IC recently (when I finally after 18 months demanded it!) and after 3 visits the IC told him she thought "he was doing very well and didn't need to see her again". Lovely!! That was a great help. I was so hopeful that she might identify this trait in him. I need someone else to see it and point it out to him because he won't believe me!!!

The problem is he doesn't seem to be able to see that I KNOW HIM!!!!! and he won't listen!!

So I know he needs his obsessions. I believe his OWs filled some hole in his life - or he thought they would. They stroked his ego, encouraged his obsessions and somehow "filled" that hole in his life - for a while at least. His FDs and FCs are doing that now.

I also resent this. When I found out about his As instead of making ME the focus of his life, he found other "interests". For the first few months it was his nephew who needed a kidney transplant. He rang him daily and talked about the transplant for hours. Then he began collecting is FDs.

I am torn between resenting the hours he spends with/talks about/thinks about/worries about them and trying to be supportive.

It is sad really. I often feel he is running so hard, chasing after something - thinking it will bring him happiness. But nothing is ever enough. He never has anything which is "good" enough. Including me!

But what he doesn't see is that this is what he has been doing all his life.

If I deny him his FDs and FCs. What next???? Maybe OW4??????

So for now I try to be I interested in the FDs!!!!

Deep down I think I do love him and want him to be happy. So... same old, same old.

I don't know what else to do!

HUGS friends

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

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