BIG HUGS for you, your sister and the rest of your family.
Wow. Hard to believe he has finally woken up. You sound so strong honey, very clear in your thinking and obviously have shown him that you truly are able to go it alone.
The ball really is in his court. He has the chance to show you he is worth the effort. I pray he really has grown some balls!!!!
Good to hear from you hon. XX
At Laura's Place
I am going OK. Today I am taking DS home (200 miles) and will be back in a couple of days. I will take my laptop so will be able to check in.
FWH is on hols and has lots of chores to do at home. He is staying behind as our old dog is really struggling and I don't want him alone.
My gut is quiet but I still have these fears when I know he has the opportunity. Oh well, I guess this is just part of the recovery.
Love to all
FWH is moving with me too. The house will go back on the market in about three weeks. We decided trying to sell it with the mess of 4 kids (2 in diapers) and a dog was futile.
So, now we've got an apartment in the area we're moving to and movers will make the bulk of the move Wednesday. Baby Paddy and Sunshine are starting daycare tomorrow (they're going to love it!) and that's about it. I hope the house sells fast.
This apartment is really great though. And, for bonus points, my cousin is going to buy a condo in the next neighborhood over! How cool! It's a 3BR 2Bath, with a little built in office nook for me and with an attached 2 car garage. and some storage space Very cool. I think this place used to be condos that got converted to an apartment complex.
So, I hope the house sells fast once it's back on the market. One less problem.
Had a great New Years.
Also, took Baby Paddy to a top geneticist and I'm wating on her test results. He said the cause of her delays is absolutely genetic but he doesn't think it's going to be some sort of syndrome we have to worry about. I'll hear back late next week I think. He tested her for muscular dystrophy (expecting it to be negative) and two other conditions. He may run a few more tests if those are negative. Anyway, he wasn't sure whether or not we needed to be there until he saw her hands. Then he was 100% sure it was genetic. She has really gorgeous hands, long, tapered fingers -- and apparently her second pinky bone isn't fully formed. It was interesting. Fabulous doctor. He spent nearly 2 hours with us.
So, I've been busy but I do care about the tribe.
I will try to do my part about teaching about new beginnings. but I do recommend moving if at all possible if you're going to stay with your FWS.
BTW -- my daughter's godmother has become a WS. I think that has earned my WH his "FWH" in a weird round about way. His reaction to seeing this whole situation develop, us talking about it, etc. Weird.
I pray that the baby does not have a fatal condition but otherwise, I know that your sister will enjoy the child immensely no matter what else there is to deal with. Though, "they made a mistake on the test, everything is fine" is always my first choice.
Welcome Faithful, if you’re still reading in this thread, I’m one of the oldies who is nodding sagely at what has been said. R is nigh on impossible while the OP is on the scene. Unless you fully accept the situation (and I’m guessing since you’re here, you are not accepting) then the decision has to be made. Sod his “withdrawal”. They are NOT friends, they are f*ckbuddies and yes, your WH is a cake-eater and you do NOT have to put up with it. My fWH kept up contact for 10wks with MOW and when I realised just how often the contact was I told him she could have him – I was done. He was in Switzerland at the time and sh*tting himself in his efforts to get an earlier flight home. And then when he landed, he went the WRONG way down the motorway with no turnoff for about 20miles. After his three hour drive (which he shortened by driving at 100mph) he threw himself at my feet…………….. Still shoulda thrown him out for a while though. Mrs Mug. My excuse is I hadn’t found SI yet and all the wonderful advice on offer from those who really have BTDT and know EXACTLY how it is. Sooooooo Faithful, what I’m saying is take a stand. If he goes and doesn’t come back, at least you know NOW and not in 5yrs time when he has wasted more of your precious life. Lecture over.
Oh Laura, I love you! Those photos are just fabulous! So now you can add FB’s – not Facebook or fuckbuddy, but Fabulous Butterflies!
Allgood – too little (or too much?) too late. You told him and told him and he just carried on. And then when you have a little “fun” with a new bloke, he gets all stupid over it? Would he have preferred if you had kept it secret?
I have absolutely no patience for anymore BS from him. So he can bring it now or forget it.
Nell – positive thoughts for your sister. Hopefully this is “just a precaution” and that they find that whatever it was is actually okay or completely manageable. Borrowing from m33: “they made a mistake on the test, everything is fine”
And WYE, Hopin’ the little one is still improving and getting stronger with each day.
M33 – wow, you do sound busy! Moving is so stressful and doing it at this time of year even more so – just take time out for yourself. And Baby Paddy’s doctor sounds great – all good news from now on!
Honest – He really is a total twat. I mean, really. Hope he’s buggering off again soon. Bringing the OW over, WTF……
We had my Dad’s funeral on 29th. Dozens of cards and letters were arriving every day. We had the maximum number at the crematorium and the church was packed. People came from all over the country. Local B&B’s and self catering opened up especially for the mourners to stay over. Dad was a member of the male voice choir and they sang three of his favourites – it was wonderful. I’ve seen his first obituary on the internet. No doubt there will be more. I’ve lifted this last bit:
His rye laugh can still be heard, as he diffused a crisis or calmly talked us down from taking an inappropriate action. His professional legacy will be both the iconic L*** Hospital System and the position of UK health informatics world-wide. He will be sorely missed. He was an inspiration, a gentle man and a true friend.
I was angry that my Dad never knew, angry that WH had deceived him into believing we had a wonderful marriage and that Mr UKg loved his daughter forever. And I’m angry that WH’s adultery has stained my view of my father because now there is an element of doubt about his faithfulness to my mother whereas before d-day I had no doubt. Now I wonder, just that tiny bit, I wonder……. did he? And I want to slap that fucking idiot for making me this way.
Housework is waaaay behind, so checking out for now…….
happy new year all.....
ukgirl: i am happy that your dad's send off was awesome....yeah he died not knowing who your husband really was but the flip side to that is he died feeling at peace with your life.....as a parent i think you could relate to that
allgood: i vote to keep the boytoy....let mr nogood prove himself on some levels first before getting rid of someone who brings you some happy....mr nogood has promised you shit before and thats all it amounted to...shit....i would think that you would demand certain things and at the very least map out some new ways of living...like no more nites with the boys, no more drinking period without you and no more dates where you HAVE to drink to feel good about being with each other.....and most importantly the man, using the term loosely here, needs counseling otherwise he aint ever gonna change, not something he can do on his own....
nell and wye: saying many prayers for both babies
k...class is starting now...love you all bbl...
Thank you for the prayers and hugs. There is no question that there is something wrong with the baby. They're just not sure exactly what it is yet; there are several different possibilities with outcomes ranging from "she'll grow out of it in a year" to "she might not survive birth." The blood test should clear things up.
And, big news on the Mr. STBXNell front... he decided to plug his COW's info back into his electronic contact list yesterday (including the names and email addresses of her family, her kid's birthdate and their nicknames for one another). Good one, Mr. STBXNell. Nothing says "I'm truly dedicated to this M" like squirreling away info about your mistress so you'll have it for later. Jeez. The good news is that my reaction is just a bit more contempt for him and I was actually giggling about it yesterday. "Hey, Mr. STBXNell, the bottom of the barrel called; it found your scraper."
Okay, folks. I really have got to do some work today. Yesterday was nothing but me playing on the computer.
And I’m angry that WH’s adultery has stained my view of my father because now there is an element of doubt about his faithfulness to my mother whereas before d-day I had no doubt. Now I wonder, just that tiny bit, I wonder……. did he?
Where did THAT come from, Ukg? From what you have said about your dad, he was an honorable,loving and caring man, dedicated to his family. Dont allow H's c**p to surly those memories. You KNEW your father, and you knew what a man he was.
Are you maybe angry with yourself? For allowing his his picture perfect view of H to continue by not telling?
Big hugs, my friend.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
Last Friday he chose to stay out till 4:30am... I really didn't say anything to him except he has to choose cause I will not do this for another year.
Then the damage control came. whatever..
Then yesterday he actually watched Fireproof and asked if I would do the Love Dare with him for the 40days. I agreed, but also let him know he can not do it if he is going to be behaving the way he has, as it is to bring him to God and learn how to love himself and others. Gods love. It is worth a shot. He also wants to go to church.
What is strange is he knows he has to change. And I do feel he is struggling with something within himself.
If this does not work I know I have given my all, and will have to make a choice to my survial for life.
I am not naive or stupid, I was waiting patiently for all this time and gave chance after chance, now this is the last one. He does not need to know that, it is for me to know.
Thank you all for your support and wish us luck and somehow God speaks to his heart for his own soul.
Thanks for the update! We were all at one another. I hope the house sells fast!
How many classes this semester? Are they interesting? You are ON FIRE, lady. Good for you!!!
Okay, I think I got everyone that time.
I did manage to do one thing in the hours that I've been gone, but am so unmotivated... I found a little inspirational thing I wrote for myself back in June which buoyed my ego nicely. Apparently I'm in love with me.
(Does anyone else remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry's character falls in lurv with Jeanine Garafolo's character, who is the female version of Jerry... and he says something like, "I've been looking for *me* all my life. And now that I've found me, I've swept me off my feet!" My little love note to myself was a bit like that. )
Miracle - I met the new guy a few days ago with the intent to break it off. But, it was not possible. He is just too cute.
As far as the X goes - he has promised not to go to any work events without me. Not to go out at all. I mentioned the fact that if & when we go out - drinking cannot be the main activity and he suggested we go to a movie. He's been doing more around the house without being asked. He's been joining me when I'm with the kids. He's being considerate when we are at functions as far as helping me out with the kids & leaving when it's best for me & the kids. So - so far so good.
I am just shocked about Mr. Nell retaining/putting that info back in his phone.
Meanwhile, yay for the cute guy! I'm JEALOUS!
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 4:26 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)]
lh2 and ukgirl: concerning the questioning of who we thought we knew in our lives...
i could certainly understand all the doubts, even your dad ukgirl...because basically you world was shattered and it DOES make you question everything and everybody afterall you didnt see that infidelity truck til it hit you square in the face and heart....your own personal 9/11, earthquake and tsunami all roled into one big giant trauma....but i have faith that your faith will one day return...maybe not in mr ukgirl but certainly in the others who have loved you forever like your dad, your kids...etc
faithful: you seem to have this amazing sense of direction yourself, almost like a ship....riding the waves but holding course, and ultimately knowing that your destination is approaching...that to me is complete strength....and absolute "sight" of whats important and whats needed by YOU....so good for you and i am so sorry that in the meantime your ws is giving out so many waves...
Again thank you so much. It means alot.
Spring is just around the corner so that should help put us Yanks in a little better mood. Extra sun light seems to help. Those short days suck.
...I look back at who I was before all this and I really loved that person and I am destin to get her back, and get my faith back to where it was.
This is a good goal. Once I got past the numbness and started trying to figure out what to do, I too realized how much I had changed from the person who M'd FWW. All of the changes related to having a mortgage, having kids, trying to accommodate FWW's behavior..., I was no longer the person I liked and FWW fell in love with. I think I have done a pretty good job of reconnecting with old hobbies, getting into better physical condition, re-energizing my career. All of these changes are resulting in better relationships with my kids and parents, and less co-dependency with FWW, which is better for us.
Allgood, I was happy to see you are continuing to explore your relationship with “cute guy”. You gave Mr. Nogood very clear boundaries and sufficient time, and he did not take the initiative. His helping around the house and with the kids is nice, but is superficial and old behavior. I would want to see some new behaviors like working on why he has been consistently attracted to the younger OW, dealing with responsible alcohol consumption, why it took you seeming to move on to get him to move.
I’m angry that WH’s adultery has stained my view of my father because now there is an element of doubt about his faithfulness to my mother whereas before d-day I had no doubt.
UKgirl, I too have felt this suspicion of my parents since dday, looking back at some past time and wondering about my father and mother. Once the unthinkable becomes fact, we really do reassess all areas of our lives.
I really think it confirms you are taking the proper path when your WS has retained and is reloading is OW contact information.
Hi Dip, grilled oysters for New Year's day. They were 50 cents apiece, and the girl counting them out counted clumps as just one, so we ate well.
m334455, I am happy to hear the on-going good news about Baby Paddy. DS18 was born with a congenital condition that continues to require accommodation, but his quality of life is fine.
My gut is quiet but I still have these fears when I know he has the opportunity. Oh well, I guess this is just part of the recovery.
I'm having a hard time lately....though it seems like that's always the case anymore.
fWH is going into busy season at work, where he will be pulling long shifts and working weekends. I hate how much he is gone this time of year, and I absolutely hate that he chose to spend what little time off he had for the last 4 years with her. I hate, hate, hate this.
He of course says he is "good" now, whatever the hell that means. Claims that he will be so busy working, he wouldn't even have a chance to get into trouble. I had him repeat that last part back last night. Um, did it for 4 years during busy season. Didn't stop you before.
Head meet wall.
I am trying to get through to him that words mean nothing to me anymore. Promises mean nothing. He lied to me for years. I need more than that.
Trouble is that I don't know what I need right now. I don't know what he could do to reassure me. He said I could check up on him whenever I want, he'll be doing the right thing. I don't want to live that way.
I want to trust him. And I don't know that I ever will.
I want my sense of security back. I don't want to feel compelled to police my husband.
This is all shit. All of it.
I had a really bad day yesterday, he brought me roses. I know that he is trying....but there's just so much to work through, and so many times I feel like I'm the only one doing it.
He still swears up and down he's 100% confident that he knows why he did what he did, and that he will never do it again. I'm thinking there is no way he's to the bottom of it, and he's just given up digging...hoping I'll just accept his conclusions.
Sorry, just having a bad week.
Claims that he will be so busy working, he wouldn't even have a chance to get into trouble.
His being busy as a reason not to be woirried about A? Good for you w-y-e, I would have been all over that statement too. How about,
"I realize now how mis-guided and stupid I was to seek external validation from an OP that I would never do that again. I am working hard to validate myself and restore your trust in me."
"I know I showed you and our M no respect in the past when I used OP to try and meet my emotional needs and lied to you about work and other activities to cover my broken behavior. While I know this will be a difficult and busy time coming up, I welcome the opportunity to begin to prove to you that I am being honest, transparent, and working at healthy coping mechanisms."
I want my sense of security back.
It is gone I and I do not believe it will ever return. We all have learned the hard way that we had a false sense of security anyways.
I don't want to feel compelled to police my husband
You are not, and frankly you cannot. He must police hisself. All you can do is take care of you and be observant. Rather than police to ensure he is where he says he is and being honest, look for changed behavior to give you security. Does he understand why he was involved in his A? Is he learning new coping mechanisms? Do the two of you have more frequent and honest discussions about your feelings, needs, fears, and successes? Do the two of you engage rather than avoid confrontation?
Roses are nice, but seeing new stress coping behaviors, awareness and communication skills within him and your M are the real signs of success.
He claims he knows why he did what he did. Which is bullshit. He's dug up some mid-layer reasons, but not the real ones that lay beneath the surface.
He claims he'll hold himself accountable. But he claimed that before and didn't do it.
I don't know. I'm just frustrated.
Just a thought, from the STBXW of Mr. Asshat.