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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
worst-year-ever
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Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does check in and such, not as often as he did right after dday I suppose, but he still does.

I guess I just need more, but I have no idea what that more is.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strangely enough, my H will check in numerous times on occasions when I don't think the updates are necessary then when he should call with an update (i.e. an hour after he's called to say he's on his way home... or he is delayed unexpectedly when he has said he'll be home at a certain time). I feel like I can't win!

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

w-y-e,

I guess I just need more, but I have no idea what that more is.

Different strokes for different strokes I guess, but here is what FWW has done to try to fix herself and our M. FWIW, these things, for the most part, did not start in earnest until about 1 year after dday. I complained here on LTA mightily that she was always a day late and a dollar short, but over time she has done quite a bit.

1. Maintained NC from the day after dday, and has demonstrated real aversion to possibility of seeing any of her OM.

2. IC 1-3x a month for over a year, plus a few MC sessions.

3. Spoke to her DDs, sister, and friend who knew about the As to apologize for putting them in the difficult position of lying to me about what they knew.

4. Apologized to my parents who found out after dday.

5. Apologized to her sister for flirting (putting it mildly) with her sister's H.

6. Changed careers to avoid OM in work related settings. Changes visitation with her family to avoid BIL OM.

7. Has read (including taking notes, highlighting sections) many books related to her FOO and personality issues. Takes notes to follow-up on in IC.

8. Makes a point of physically touching me much more than is "normal" for her, while it is still less than I would wish for. Is working to be more sexual, and has periods where she does well.

9. Withdraws less when there is conflict, and for shorter periods when she still does withdraw.

10. Reality checks with me (usually) rather than presuming she knows how I am feeling based on my behavior.

11. Changes how she relates to our DSs to back me up more as opposed to how she used to undercut me.

12. Has reduced interactions with some of her family members who were not healthy for her recovery.

13. Usually identifies and controls her reactions when she is painting me black, in a shame spiral, all or nothing thinking, or mistaking feelings for facts.

14. Changed her ďlookĒ (hair, glasses, dress style) to not look like she did in pictures with OM.

15. Still calls from office phones rather than cell when she is late to prove where she is, sent a photo of the waiting room once when delayed at Dr.ís office in city where last OM lives.

16. Buys me bday and xmas gifts with thought behind them rather than just obvious or convenient gifts.

If I choose to be negative I can also focus on how long this took, and the things I have asked for and not received, but I cannot say she is not trying. There is no longer any doubt in my mind that FWW wants to be a healthier person and that she wants to be M'd to me.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 6:33 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, tribe. I hate to admit it, but Mr. STBXNell tells me that he is a Good Guy who just made A Mistake but Good People Make Mistakes and he Did The Right Thing because he told me about the affair (and then continued it... oops, sorry not part of the Mr. STBXNell is a victim storyline, ignore that!) and He Worked His Ass Off and Divorce Is His Reward For Doing The Right Thing?

So apparently I was wrong and it's all my fault for stringing him along for two years. Just so's ya know who you're dealing with here.

Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats - thanks for that list, I will for sure be referencing it in the future. :)

Nell....well.....he's clearly an asshat.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearly.

I did not laugh. I did not made any smartass comments (like, "what... do you want a cookie?"). I did tell him that I was sorry he was hurting. Then I took the dog for a long walk.

I'm so proud of myself.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, Nell. :)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, I don't care for this comment.. I think there is a book about how good people make mistakes. They do but I think that is BS.
Good Guy who just made A Mistake but Good People Make Mistakes

A healthy person would say..."I was not a Good Guy. I made a mistake and all I can do is not make the same misake again." Your H is not too healthy sorry to say. He is being schooled wrong or something. He's trying to pump himself up vs just letting his mistake being what it is.. an A is horrible mistake made in life. You are just not a good person if you do it. No kidding yourself huh? In fact, an A is evil.

Allgood... Nice to hear you are going to give it one more chance. Dump the pretty boy. Now you know you can get a pretty boy anytime you want. 100's of them waiting for you. You are a beautiful woman in many ways. Can you now forgive? I bet hurt still will be a part but when understood, acknowledged, you can deal with it. Kinda like the one I had to deal with this weekend.

I had the worst trigger in about 12 months this past weekend. The inlaws were up this holiday and my FIL made what should have been a wonderful home video of my kids and us. But the date was posted at the bottom of the video and all I could feel was the false reality I was living at the time. I couldn't take it and left the room. I hurt pretty bad. The pain lasted about an hour but football games kinda pulled me out of it.

Peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:00 AM, January 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: omg...is he kidding....what is it with these idiots....i dont get it, how blind they are to who they are, what they have done and what it continues to do us emotionally and then affecting us even physically....asshat is an understatement...and no he does not deserve you to tell him you are sorry he is hurting...not at all....i will never say those words to pfm...this is the bed of his own making...deal with it....

wye: pfm (my ws) also checked in on a regular basis after d-day...and it didnt stop him from continued contact, making a "new friend" and more importantly from "lying"....which seems to be what he does best

and allgood i am so happy that you are keeping the "boy"....imo mr nogood needs to earn his way back, one step at a time..and not for nothin but last time when he was "WITH" you trying to work it out he was still sleeping and taking pix of "her".....nope...needs to earn it back before you get rid of the one thing that has nothing to do with him in any way shape and form that brings you happy!!!!!

ats: loved your posts..

tryn: yup sometimes those triggers can sneak up on us..glad you worked it out though....an hour is not too bad....hopefully someday those triggers will be gone...(((tryn)))


ok...forgot everything else i read....soooo


((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, guys. I love that you have my back!

Poor Mr. STBXNell is having to deal with reality and he doesn't much like it. I'm guessing his old COW is unavailable to him for some reason, because soon after the info went into his contact list, he was gone "running an errand" (a mysterious one that provided no discernable outcome... if I had to guess, he purchased another pre-paid phone and called the old COW) for several hours and has been in a "poor me" mood ever since. Then there's the hard work of figuring out finances, etc. Then there's his first-hand view of his (clinically depressed, drug-addicted, probably NPD, self-diagnosed ADHD) twin brother's life after his post-A-fueled divorce... not pretty.

I agree with you, tryn. He's not healthy. Unfortunately for all of us, he shows no signs of getting healthy or even wanting to become healthy. I believe he's NPD (charming to strangers but demanding and critical of those close to him, emotionally immature, unable to empathize, unrealisticly positive view of himself, unrealistic desire to be number one, etc.). Can't do a whole lot with that.

But here's the good news... this stuff doesn't bother me any longer. My "I'm sorry you are hurting" and keeping my comments to myself are done specifically because I want to keep this D process running smoothly. Not to mention my knowledge that it would do no good. I don't want fights; I don't want to provoke his defensive posturing. I'm in a no-fault state so his having an LTA really doesn't matter legally. I do have a couple of cards up my sleeve as far as forcing his hand if necessary, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. We're two months out from having the D final if we can agree on everything. That's the prize.

Meanwhile, I have a phone call with my lawyer this afternoon to go over all the stuff I need when we stand in front of the magistrate next week for our status check. Fun stuff.

tryn,
I'm sorry about your trigger. I had the same with a family photo that I arranged to have a business "friend" and his wife take while Mr. STBXNell was in the deepest throes of his LTA. I eventually became desensitized to the photo (Mr. STBXNell liked it and used it as his screen shot) so it didn't trigger me any longer... but I will be thrilled to death never to see it again! I'm glad football diverted your mind.

lostsuol,
Mr. STBXNell didn't check in at all until all signs pointed to me not giving a rat's ass about him or the M. At that point, *he* needed to talk to me. It never had anything to do with my feelings. That's just my situation, though.

ats,
I really liked reading that list. FWW has come a long way. Did it make you feel good to write all that down?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all wonderful people, I love reading your post's. I love I am not alone in this LTA.

One day at a time, one baby step at a time, one deep breath at a time.

Hugs to you all.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

To answer a question you asked last year, your fabulousosityness is not intimidating. You do not need to tone it down, and yes you are hot, smokin hot!

[This message edited by old dipstick at 12:42 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, I had premature postulation twice with that last message. How in the hell does that happen in such a short time? Especially with someone my age? I'm starting a new one.

Tryn.

The triggers suck. Especially when they are completely out of no where. Like Nell, I have a picture that I hate. My W just recently dug it out from somewhere. It is a shitty picture but she likes it. It was taken during the LTA timeframe. I think I may burn it.

Allgood.

Your H is just like so many of our WSs. Childlike! Wants everyone to share everything with him but can not stand to share with others. Hopefully he has had a real awakening and it is not just jailhouse religion. While you have this new found power over him it would be a good time to put the pressure on him to knock off the drinking and boys night out.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. thanks for sharing the list. It helps me focus on my own list as WW and I have recently taken GIANT steps backwards.

1. Maintained NC from the day after dday,.

Check.

and has demonstrated real aversion to possibility of seeing any of her OM

Nope
2. IC 1-3x a month for over a year, plus a few MC sessions.

Check. WW goest to IC on weekly basis and joins me frequently at my IC session.
3. Spoke to her DDs, sister, and friend who knew about the As to apologize for putting them in the difficult position of lying to me about what they knew.

Nada. Only my sister knows about her A and WW has yet to speak to her about it.WW told only one friend during the A, chastised her friend after she tried to tell me (drunk), and agreed with the frind that I hate the friend (who has been effectively dropped from WW life)
4. Apologized to my parents who found out after dday.

NA. My Dad does not know.

5. Apologized to her sister for flirting (putting it mildly) with her sister's H.

NA, TG.

6. Changed careers to avoid OM in work related settings. Changes visitation with her family to avoid BIL OM.

NA

7. Has read (including taking notes, highlighting sections) many books related to her FOO and personality issues. Takes notes to follow-up on in IC.

Nope. Half of a book on codepent recommended by IC in 6 months. Has always struggled to read any kind of book.
8. Makes a point of physically touching me much more than is "normal" for her, while it is still less than I would wish for.

More than in the past. Cuddles in bed, hugs when one of us gets home.

Is working to be more sexual, and has periods where she does well.

Nope. Always has been an issue. Deal breaker for me now that she had A wihch was primarily / exclusively sexual and which addressed none of the "complaints" she has towards me.
9. Withdraws less when there is conflict, and for shorter periods when she still does withdraw.

Not really. Says she cannot share her feelings and I am too dominant. Strange as she is one of the most independet / confident / adventurous woman I have ever met.
10. Reality checks with me (usually) rather than presuming she knows how I am feeling based on my behavior.

Nope. Sees I may be having trouble dealing with emotions due to the A. She will comment that I look sad (that is it) or ask if I am ok (sick).

11. Changes how she relates to our DSs to back me up more as opposed to how she used to undercut me.

Does it less but still does it. Ongoing issue.

12. Has reduced interactions with some of her family members who were not healthy for her recovery.

NA

13. Usually identifies and controls her reactions when she is painting me black, in a shame spiral, all or nothing thinking, or mistaking feelings for facts.

Nope. Can be quick to defend her behaviour and attack mine.

14. Changed her ďlookĒ (hair, glasses, dress style) to not look like she did in pictures from during the A time.

Nope. The only thing I aksed was to change her perfume "Juicy". Even shopped with her for replacement. Then she wore it anyway to an event 3 months after DDay. Last time though.

But still does not get it. I used to compliment her perfume and she would reply "it's juicy". Sexual entrende. So this month she bought a new perfume named Juciy X. Arrgh.

15. Still calls from office phones rather than cell when she is late to prove where she is, sent a photo of the waiting room once when delayed at Dr.ís office in city where last OM lives.

WW checks in but I would have no idea if she were off (as I did not know during the A) running errands, days off, etc and I have no desire to spend my life checking.

16. Buys me bday and xmas gifts with thought behind them rather than just obvious or convenient gifts.

Nope. I got dress socks and a pair of micro fiber underwear. Yippee.
Gifts are not important to me but when I read your post, I thought yeah she should. After all the crap this year, I gave her a purse (and yes you ladies know these are cheap gifts ) and a pair of silk pajamas from VS. I had listened to her tastes when we shopped together and the gifts were perfect.

So things have not looked promising for the W and I this new year. Either way, R or D I am okay I know what I want in a M and have told her. She doesn't. She needs to figure this out (and quickly) or her options will be gone.

Life is good - I keep waking up on the right side of the dirt.

h& c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey H&C, sorry to hear of the step backwards, but it is not surprising during the first year.

So things have not looked promising for the W and I this new year.

It was nearly a year after dday that FWW decided to engage in IC to own and work through her issues and to stay in the M. For much of the 1st year after dday she blamed me for the crappy M that made her have an A. I remember sitting in MC a year out from dday when she would talk about how someone would "make" her angry, or I should "make" her happy. It was a big step for her to accept that she can control how she feels, and that how she feels is not necessarily reality. She is still working on this.

Either way, R or D I am okay I know what

Good for you. At about 6 months from dday I had a good handle on what I felt I needed for our M to work, but just because I knew what I wanted did not mean my FWW was equipped to provide it.

As for your W sharing feelings, it took a long time for FWW to be able to verbalize what she felt. The MC would ask her what she was feeling, and she would not answer or say "nothing". He would have to prod her. She is much better now, but has worked hard at cognitive behavioral therapy for herself and another author about shame spirals.

It was about 1 year after dday when she broke an agreed to boundary that I moved out for a few weeks and she had her epiphany. She decided she wanted to stay married. I asked the MC/IC to focus on helping her with her borderline personality traits, and he agreed to work on that with her after I helped to introduce the topic in a MC session.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So a few know what it is like after 3 years, I want to share that trigger I experienced last week. A trigger to me is a feeling that is associated with the event. Not thoughts that provoke memories with not much reactions in my brain, but a solid feeling of hurt, which is an uninvited cry for me.

During the time watching the home movie, that date of 2000 was in the lower corner. The trigger was all due to that date. I donít think I would have had it if the date was not stamped on it. We all looked so happy in the movie yet that is when she started her A. It brought back my thoughts during that time and, I was under the solid belief things were so good. It was like watching the lie take place. Over and over in my mind I was questioning what can I see and why? But I guess the worst was looking at how young my DS and DD were. My DD was just a baby. Over and over my mind was saying all those years of faking. I cried inside watching it for about 15 minutes until I thought I was going to bust and left to watch football. I triggered immediately when I started watching yet took the pain because I did not want my W or FIL to be offended by not watching. When I slipped away, I donít think anyone noticed and I didnít want them to notice.

As time has gone by, I have come to accept this is my own internal battle. Since I am the one who decided to R, I believe I will have these triggers from time to time and deal with them because it is my choice to stay. For me today, it is all part of forgiving by my own choice as not to make my W feel guilty. I am ok with it and now expect it to happen from time to time.

Today, now, last night, I came home from my business trip gone since Tuesday. My wife and I just talked for 3 and half hours. No TV, no distractions, just sat and talked and laughed. Needless to say, the evening ended it the most positive outcome and about the best possible feelings anyone can have in life. Things are so different today.

I have yet to get through a single day not thinking about betrayed Mís, infidelity and the subject. I think this is the year I finally make that happen. If you donít hear from me, smile for me because you will know why.

H&C, Based on your answers to atsís list, I think you have some work in front of you. ats and I have the same answers. My W and I reached this place a different way verses ats. We attended Retrouvaille. I think if you attended this program, your W will learn something. My W seemed to be very much like your W is but now has changed. Me too. Do you know how you need to change? Carolyn Hax in our news paper today had something that might apply to you right now.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-husband-hurts-a-decade-after-wifes-affair/2011/12/14/gIQAdCwTdP_story.html

Me, I have gained

Nell and Iwant, the reason I say Allgood must drop the pretty boy is because she has decided to R again. You cannot R with a third person romantic relationship. It will not work IMO.

Allgood, you can take a risk with your H again and in time decide if he really wanted to change. If your H does not change, you can make the decision to D. Does he now want to live M? or continue the M but singles lifestyle? I would expect the new relationship you have with pretty boy is widely different than what you will have with your H. Could you feel the A behind you as you began to develop your relationship with pretty boy? I think you have the confidence today to know you can have a new relationship that feels pretty good with some effort to find it. My hat is off to you for your courage.

Anyways, peace out today.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:51 AM, January 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn..

As for Retrouvaille, I have checked out the webpage and it looks like a great program Though not for W and I and will explain.

I was raised as a Catholic and an familiar with the pre marriage counseling and expect this is an extension as well. My W is Jewish and before we married we agreed to raise our family in the Jewish faith. It is a choice that I do not regret. Our children have developed the values, spirituality, and sense of community. Many wonderful occassions including their Bar / Bat Mitzvahs have brought me great joy. (though my W cannot understand how my sons Bar Mitzvah has been tarnished since it occurred during the midst of her A and some of the most troubled times in our M).

So, since we married, my W has had strong aversion to being in a church or most anything to do with the christian faith. It boils down to the fact that I, her husband, am not Jewish. She has no problems attending weddings or other events just a sense of guilt or something that I am not Jewish. I am completely accepted and admired by her family and have never been slighted by them for not being Jewish.

The plus is that our MC / IC is very direct and good at working with us on our communication skills.

ats

As for your W sharing feelings, it took a long time for FWW to be able to verbalize what she felt. The MC would ask her what she was feeling, and she would not answer or say "nothing". He would have to prod her.

Thanks for sharing. My WW drank from the same well.


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn..

As for Retrouvaille, I have checked out the webpage and it looks like a great program Though not for W and I and will explain.

I was raised as a Catholic and an familiar with the pre marriage counseling and expect this is an extension as well. My W is Jewish and before we married we agreed to raise our family in the Jewish faith. It is a choice that I do not regret. Our children have developed the values, spirituality, and sense of community. Many wonderful occassions including their Bar / Bat Mitzvahs have brought me great joy. (though my W cannot understand how my sons Bar Mitzvah has been tarnished since it occurred during the midst of her A and some of the most troubled times in our M).

So, since we married, my W has had strong aversion to being in a church or most anything to do with the christian faith. It boils down to the fact that I, her husband, am not Jewish. She has no problems attending weddings or other events just a sense of guilt or something that I am not Jewish. I am completely accepted and admired by her family and have never been slighted by them for not being Jewish.

The plus is that our MC / IC is very direct and good at working with us on our communication skills.

ats

As for your W sharing feelings, it took a long time for FWW to be able to verbalize what she felt. The MC would ask her what she was feeling, and she would not answer or say "nothing". He would have to prod her.

Thanks for sharing. My WW drank from the same well.


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell... great composure and keeping the eye on the prize!

My F taught me this important trait early in life though I have forgotten it on far too many occassions. I work with my children on this regularly and hope that some day soon they have that epihany. Their lives will be so much better when they do.

LOL

Allgood.. I agree with Nell and Tryn. I admire your courage to move forward boldly. And if you choose to work on R with your H, you cannot have a 3rd person in the mix.

On my DDay, WW "admitted" to an A (lie to cover up the real one) and on DDay2 I learned the real story. And how do you think that two months between worked for us in mending our M?

LOL wahtever you choose.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...I'm a mess.

I've got that feel like my head is going to explode because I've been crying way too much lately kind of headache.

Really struggling.

I want to know why I was just an option. Why he got to choose not to be faithful to me, and even after I found out, he wasn't "sure" he wanted to be with me.

I want to know how it didn't eat him alive.

I want to know how he believed that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted, without regard to me and the kids.

Even now, all his answers about everything are revolving around him.

When I ask how I am supposed to know he won't do it again, he says
"I will hold myself accountable" or "I won't" or "I won't allow myself".

Everything, all his justifications, all his choices, all his reasons, and all his thinking even now are all about HIM.

How about, I won't cheat again because "I see the damage that I've done to you and the kids", or that "I will work harder to respect you" or "I will value our marriage vows"? Nope.

It's freaking all still about him. 24/7.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

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