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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((UKG)))) - I wish I could hug you in person. I am so sorry for the loss of your father but from reading your description of him, he was a wonderful soul and will be greatly missed. You are in my thoughts.


Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-
So sorry for your loss.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your loss. He sounds like such a wonderful man. (((UKgirl)))


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I will channel tryn and try to share something useful, though I can't guarantee I'll have a graph.

I'm going to write you about the TAFT loop.

TAFT stands for

Think
Act
Feel
Talk

What you Think influences how you Act

How you Act influences how you Feel

How you Feel Influences how you speak (Talking)

How you speak (Talking) influences what you Think.

Thought ---> Action
Action ----> Feeling
Feeling ---> Talking
Talking ---> Thoughts

You can make an effort to consciously manage this process to achieve a desired result.

This is similar to tryn's desire builders / desire destroyers but it can be used for anything really.

But you do have to work at it. Or, it will happen on it's own but take you in a direction you don't want to go.

ETA -- some ways to use this
Talking - always speak in a way that helps you reach your goal
Acting take actions that will help you reach your goal
Thinking - use VISUALIZING to think about your goal, use THOUGHT STOPPING to short circuit directions that will take you away from your goal

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:45 PM, December 17th (Saturday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ukgirl)))))

and

((((((wye)))))

many many hugs for both of you on the loss of your' dad's.....

ukgirl....you were truly blessed to have such an awesome dad, he will live on within you each and every day....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.. IMO, Retrouvaille is the TAFT loop.

I will use my actions last night.

THINKING - I think about it by making a choice to affirm my W.

ACT Ė I google words to say that will affirm a woman. I pick a time and do it. My W listens

FEEL Ė What I said incites feelings. She leans over and kissed me.

TALK Ė We talk about that kiss and it leads to me thinking about Romance.

THINKING Ė I think about romance and lighting a candle

ACT Ė I light the candle and pick her up to carrier her upstairs

FEEL Ė I feel excited but she feels pressure.

TALKING Ė We end up discussing menopause.

THOUGHT - I think that I will try again on a different day to be romantic and think a buzz will make me feel good.

ACT - I go get a glass of Wine, then another.

FEEL - relaxed

TALK - I talk about going to the Colt's game woth my son.

THOUGHTS - Will Dan throw a touchdown and make me happy. What time would be best to go and listen to the band.

ACT - Check to make sure my Colts Jersey is clean

FEEL - IF we win today, I will feel happy

TALK - We'll talk over all the good plays...

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:05 AM, December 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you and your family and sending many hugs and prayers to you especially. He truly sounded like a wonderful man.
I really do believe that your Dad came to you and I hope this brings you peace. He now is there with you in a very special way and will be your personal angel watching over you with love.
(((((UKG))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKG))) So very sorry for you loss.

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

havin a really rough day....started out really early with a freaked out dog, so lack of sleep does not help...pfm is doin stupid really well concerning his family and the holidays....and im tryin to be grateful especially in light of having learned that a friend has died today...she is not a close friend to me, but her mom is a close friend to my mom and is considered like family to me and my kids......i am not sure the cause of death, she had multiple sclerosis, and i am not sure if that played a part in her death....i believe she was my age or close to it....way way too young to die....to boot this is the second child this woman has lost...the first a couple of years ago, also a young man, he was my age....

my dd has been my hero today....she saw how upset i was and she not only offered much needed hugs but told me that i have support with the family sich....(inlaw crap) i thought i was done with inlaw crap....

my mantra for today

"i have 3 great healthy kids and god bless xanax!"


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((miracle)))) - ditto re the healthy kids and in my case, God bless Effexor.

((((UKG)))) - how are you today?

Triggered last night whilst watching a movie "Election" with Reese Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick. It was a comedy but there were attempts at affairs all the way through it. In the end I couldn't handle it, I just got up and left the room. The kids couldn't understand why. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. Thank God for SI.

((((Tribe))))


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Miracle))) & (((EJ)))

Hang in there ladies..thinking of you both & all other tribe members doing it a little tough at the moment.
The LTA family is here for you.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

elle: i have noticed that pretty much everything i watch relates back to this shit....it seems neverending....

last nite watching a movie, i cant remember how, why or who...but someone said that she deserves to be first choice....i said out loud "YES" almost like a haluluiah moment...LOL...more was said by the characters and pfm just stared at me....i told him to stop...to his credit, he did...finally he listens... ....

i have to give him a little credit though today...since finding out about the woman who died...he has been chaueffering the mother and my mother from place to place..including the hospital where they brought her....where they saw the body.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you DP. Hope you are OK too.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful picture, thank you so much Tryn. And thanks to everyone for all your kind words, thoughts and hugs. Knowing others have been through this makes it easier.

I had a hard day yesterday, cried quite a lot, but I guess thatís a normal reaction. But I also had some explosive anger that I kept down. Angry at fWH, my Dad not knowing what he had done, that he had died thinking that Mr UKg was the perfect husband and doted on me, probably thinking that I had some medical issue with all the weight loss (which drove my mother to tears, obvious when they only saw me every couple or three months) that had been dealt with. Angry that WH deceived and betrayed my parents too Ė as well as our sons. How dare he be so fucking entitled. I was fucking steaming. And then I cried. Again.

Today, not so bad. Just sad. My older brother went over to the Post Office and general store yesterday morning. Jane behind the counter asked how my Dad was and my brother told her he had died. She asked if it would be okay to tell everyone. Within an hour, everyone knew. So people were out in the street as my Dad was taken out to the undertakers MPV. Heís at the local chapel of rest and Mum can visit any time. I doubt if the funeral will be before New Year.

FWH is doing everything right. I have a sneaky feeling heís glad he got off lightly. My Dad is not someone he would have wanted to cross Ė he could cut you off with his scathing words, and he would have given the length of his tongue to WH, told him what he thought in terms where WH would never doubt where he ranked in my fatherís mind. If Dad could deal with unions and unbending authority, WH would be like straw in his hurricane of words. Still, I guess Dad knows now.

And Iím pissed that the pain fWH inflicted was so much worse that my fatherís death. The man who has been there for me for ALL of my life Ė he dies and it doesnít hurt so much? Whereís the sense in that?

M33, I have a problem with that last bit of TAFT Ė the talking. I did, now I donít. Talking didnít get me anywhere. Before d-day, it drove WH away and into the arms of his gf. After d-day, I realised that H doesnít like to talk about us Ė although he will spend the day on the phone, negotiating, networking, discussing and doing business. Heck, he will talk about handling people and manoeuvring situations, handling business relationships Ė but US? Oooohhh no. He did come to MC, but he pretty much lied and manipulated that too, so talking hasnít got us far.

Ellejay, thanks, Iíll remember to NOT watch that when it comes around!

((((miracle)))) Ė Iím sorry hon. It hasnít been long since the last shock for you and your family. I too am grateful for my healthy boys.

Iím just plain tired today. Mumís okay and seems to be accepting and at peace with herself. So Iíll say gínight and Iíll take all your hugs to bed with me and hope I sleep with my Dad watching me.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:41 PM, December 18th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - Your anger at this time is perfectly natural. You have to also tell yourself that you withheld everything from your Dad because it would have just been one more grief and worry he would have had to deal with before passing. Does your Mum know? I'm assuming not. I would consider telling her at some stage when she is feeling stronger. Not to discredit FWH, but to allow her the opportunity to support you through all this. This is huge in your life, it is also like a death. A death of all that you thought you knew and you are now rebuilding from that. Just MHO. It was lovely that all the locals came out to pay their respects, must have been all too emotional for you though.

Hugs


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ukgirl)))))

i too understand your anger....i too understand the depth of the pain...i too felt the pain worse with what pfm did then losing my father....on the flip side, my dad was not a good dad....

as for your ws gettin away with it....not really....he has to live with what he's done everyday...and if he chooses to live with denial then it means he can't live a peaceful existance....or a happy one at that...i truly believe that when we can live freely in truth we live in peace....and i look foward to the day when my boys know at last...i hate living with his lies...and i will be even happier when i could finally come clean about not wanting to be married to him anymore.....

anyways i digress.....it sucks, it really really sucks....and i would not trade places with a single ws...because i would think it sucks even more to be them....

your dad sounds amazing, i looked at his pic that you posted on fb, i love his smile...he looks like such "father knows best" kind of man.....

and ukgirl....with what youre going through i am so touched that you reached out to me....it means so much more then i can say....

i love my si family..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UkÖ Thanks for sharing your feelings.
The man who has been there for me for ALL of my life Ė he dies and it doesnít hurt so much? Whereís the sense in that?
I think when we M, a healthy person leaves his mother and father, and they becomes one in flesh with your spouse. It such a different kind of pain I am sure. Iím positive the level of pain in my soul knowing infidelity will too be worse than my mom and dadís death.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I understand your feelings.

The hurt you are feeling concerning your father and the pain of the A are just different kinds of pain. Your father did not betray you. As much as we hate death it is something that we see all the time and even though we push thoughts of death into the back of our minds, we still expect it to come. It can surprise you when it comes at a early age but we still know it is coming. We are conditioned to handle the time after death. Like you said, "life goes on." Who expects to be betrayed by a spouse? If we expected to be betrayed we would not ever M. We are not conditioned to handle the fallout of the A. I feel that these factors make it easier to accept death. To someone who has never felt the pain of the A, I suppose that you being hurt more by the A than by the passing of your father might not make sense. It makes sense to me and I am sure to most of us BSs. Please take care of yourself and lean on those around you who offer help.

Hugs,
Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((UkGirl))
I'm so sorry


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{UKgirl}}}}

Dip has given you good advice.

Your father did not betray you

That is the crux of it all. Death is extremely painful and sad. We miss our loved ones terribly. But, it is not like they CHOSE to leave us and betrayed us. They didn't throw us away. They loved us, and we felt that. We will miss thier love. I agree, that the deaths of my father and my daughter do not compare to the depth of betrayal and suffering and loss I have felt with the betrayal of infidelity.

I agree with Dip to a certain extent that we are conditioned to accept that death is inevitable. It is not a punishment to us. It is not a betrayal. But, even if we were betrayed before, it still isn't easier the second time. It took me a long time to get over my first xWH's A and current NPD knew that and saw the suffering I went through. The fact that he did the same to me knowing how painful it is, kills me. I think in addition is that it took so long to trust again, and NPD cheated when we were dating.....<sigh>

{{{WYE}}} I am sorry about the loss of your father this year. I know the holidays is when we can feel their absence the most. Hang in there and try to remember the happy moments as much as possible to help you through.

Miracle: I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. All of these losses can take a toll on us. I wish pfm would stop doing stupid. You are doing great. You have accomplished so much and should be proud of yourself.

Holidays can be so bittersweet with the pain we are carrying. NPD is due back this Thursday. I know he's only been gone a month but wants to spend Christmas with us We are supposed to go to DS's house and I know he doesn't really want NPD there. So NPD has to ruin Christmas for everyone.

Hugs to the tribe.


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